Freedom, Glory, America

New England Patriots Mascot Caught In Sex Sting.

2009-12-12T13:09:00.002-05:00

Fox News is reporting that the man in the Pat the Patriot uniform was picked up in a prostitution related sex sting that netted 13 individuals. The man, from Warwick, was arrested at a hotel where he was apparently banging a hooker. Rhode Island recently passed a law that makes all prostitution a misdemeanor, where previously "indoor prostitution" was legal. They have closed the legal loophole and the legs of a bunch of freakin' hookahs. When asked how it felt to be part of a sex sting the man replied, "Sex Sting? Is that why it burns when I pee?" No sir, that is the clap.

It's like water, only colder

2009-12-04T12:17:00.003-05:00

So it's snowing in Texas today, which is, as far as I know, a sign of the coming apocalypse. They has been a run on the grocery stores to stock up on supplies. But here in Texas they tend to stock up on Budweiser, brisket and jerky as opposed to the standard water and bread. I'm scared too, but for different reasons. Driving.
The drivers here are freaking terrible. They smash into eachother with reckless abandon even when the pavement is clean and dry. Add rain, and you have a virtual clusterfuck of catastrophic collisions. Pileups, even piledowns--which are a nightmare. Add snow? I think the fucking world might end. So, I am fully stocked up on Budweiser, brisket and jerky and I am sitting on the front porch with an unlit molotov cocktail and shotgun. BRING IT.

Its been a long month

2009-12-02T19:48:00.001-05:00

But this makes me feel so good.

Fail to the Deadskins

2009-11-08T14:12:00.002-05:00

Worst football team in the history of the game. More to come.

Hands down the best commercial ever made

2009-11-05T12:42:00.000-05:00

This hour does not count and I demand compensation

2009-10-30T18:12:00.004-04:00

This Saturday night/Sunday morning is the HOUR THAT DOESN’T COUNT. For those of you who are unfamiliar with how to spend the HOUR THAT DOESN’T COUNT, I have two things to say to you 1) kill yourself and 2) umm, actually I guess it was only one thing. The HOUR THAT DOESN’T COUNT is probably the greatest thing that has ever happened to anyone, anywhere. There is literally an hour that doesn’t exist that runs from 1 am to 2 am. At 2 the clock is set back to 1 so that hour never existed so there are no fucking rules. NONE. You can do whatever, which presents us with one small problem. What to do with your time. Ahh, the paralysis of choice. Luckily, your friend Doug the Punter has returned to guide you, the intrepid reader, through the HOUR THAT DOESN’T COUNT. The choices are many, actually four. A list, in order of least awesome to most awesome.

4) Drink so much you throw up.

On the surface this appears to be a fine idea. Who doesn’t like to toe the line between blacked out and alcohol poisoning? However, there is one problem. If you’re drinking hard you should have probably puked before 1 am. Puking early on is the number-one key to a great time because not only will you be able to drink a ton more after you throw up, you will feel better (I promise) AND you won’t have to work out the next day. It is your classic win-win-win. So if you decided to waste some of the hour that doesn’t count in the bathroom puking you’ve already lost, it’s only 60 minutes goddamnit.

3) Call your ex.

Always a fan favorite. This one is pretty self-explanatory. It’s the HOUR THAT DOESN’T COUNT, remember? Call her up and tell her your sorry you threw up on her at her sister’s wedding (although it was really her fault, she should have known better to let you near the open bar). Tell her that the doctor gave you prescription deodorant so that shouldn’t be an issue anymore. Tell her you got your stomach stapled. OR you can go in the other direction and tell her off. The choice is yours. Either way you don’t have to feel bad about drunk-dialing your ex when you wake up the next day because it was the hour that doesn’t count.

2) Eat so much you throw up.

Not to be confused with drinking so much you throw up. This is entirely different. During the hour that doesn’t count find as much food as you can and put it in your mouth. Just eat until you think you hate yourself. Now you’re asking me, “Say Doug, what do I do now that I just ate $70 worth of food?” Well, there are two options. You can either A) pass out with half a crab Rangoon hanging from your lip and your hair styled with BK Stacker sauce or B) make yourself throw up. I strongly recommend option B because since you threw up during the HOUR THAT DOESN’T COUNT it means that you don’t have an eating disorder/serious problem. Don’t you fucking judge me.

1a) Hit on chicks like there is no tomorrow.

I am not the smoothest person with the ladies but for one hour out of every year I’m like Miles fucking Davis. Why? I’ll let you in on my secret. THIS HOUR DOES NOT COUNT. Top this fact off with the fact that chicks think the hour that doesn’t count is the funniest/greatest pickup line ever. Tell a chick they should go home with you because it’s the hour that doesn’t count and she will. I promise. If it doesn’t work, you’re welcome, because that chick is a dude. I don’t know what it is but somewhere in the chick brain the hour that doesn’t count makes perfect sense; they love it. Top it off with this year it falling on Halloween and it’s the fucking 50-year storm. Bode would be proud.

1b) Beat your children.

Because you know they deserve it. If your spouse complains, beat them. It’s the HOUR THAT DOESN’T COUNT. It’s all legal, I promise, some guy I knew told me.

Anyway I wish each and every one of you success this year.

Look at the focus.

2009-10-28T18:26:00.002-04:00

Just so you know, RICK is struggling in the soft economy as well. Note that he is up in after hours trading. Shocker.

2009-10-27T23:45:00.001-04:00

RICK‎ - Rick's Cabaret Int'l, Inc (NASDAQ)‎

Google Finance‎ Yahoo Finance‎ MSN Money‎ AOL Finance‎ CNN Money‎ Reuters‎

7.91 -0.11‎ (-1.31%‎) Oct 27 4:00pm ET
7.92‎ +0.01‎ (0.13%‎) After Hours

Open:	8.03
High:	8.04
Low:	7.85

Volume:	51,985
Avg Vol:	62,000
Mkt Cap:	72.07M

Disclaimer

Penn State Students Go Batshit Crazy Over T-Shirt

2009-10-27T17:17:00.004-04:00

Penn State students slowly come unraveled over a T-Shirt that loosely resembles a cross. I can see that there is a resemblance to a cross, but I find it hard to believe that there is enough of a scramble on campus for this article to land on FOXNEWS.COM. It just seems ridiculous that there are actually people at this school that refuse to purchase the shirt because they feel like it has a religious undertone. "oooohhhh scaaarrryyy. The school is trying to cast a crazy christian spell over us!!!!" Seriously people, there is no way that the cross is intentional religious branding in this day in age. Especially at a place like Penn State. Just because you're pre-law doesn't mean that you need to make a stink about every goddamn thing that takes place on campus.
Oh NO!!! My mashed potatoes look like a Star of David. NOOOOOO!!! The Jews have invaded my Irish Cuisine!!!!! Fuck you morons.

2009-10-27T17:03:00.003-04:00

Woman Accused of Offering Sex for World Series Tickets

Local Philly woman offers sexual favors to an undercover cop for World Series tix. First off, c'mon lady, haven't we learned our lessons about sexual favors and the Craigslist. Didn't some dude merc some chick that he met on Craigslist. Second, when committing felonies, please make sure that you aren't talking to a cop. I've been to Philadelphia and I'm pretty damn sure that they begin teaching that in middle school. Today class we are going to learn how not to get busted by a Narc! Remember, always check for a wire, and never take her word for it. 15 gets you 20!
In a related story, word on the street is that Jeter is willing to S some D's for MVP votes. Food for thought.

A Monument to Jerky

2009-10-23T18:07:00.001-04:00

I think that there should be a monument built to commemorate the role that jerky played in westward expansion. Without the nourishment from dried, salted meats explorers would have had a much more difficult time on their long treks west. There are many monuments that speak to the sacrifices made during westward expansion, but none specifically to the role that jerky played. I think the monument should be placed in the Cumberland Gap where Daniel Boone first blazed a trail through the Appalachians, creating one of the first Anglo-European settlements beyond those mountains.
There were many obstacles to the westward expansion. As in all great explorations, one difficulty that arose was how to keep everyone from starving to death. Throughout time dried, salted meats have been pivotal in exploration because they provided a way for meat to be preserved for a long period of time. Meat provides essential protein and nutrients needed for the strenuous journey through the wilderness. Jerky has been important to exploration for many centuries, but I think that this monument should focus on Daniel Boone and his passage through the Cumberland Gap into Kentucky.
The monument should be placed on the Wilderness Trail—the trail that follows the gap through the mountains—to signify the importance of opening up the road west. The focus, however, is on the dried meat so the monument itself should be of Daniel Boone gazing out over the frontier enjoying some delicious jerky. It should be made of locally quarried stone so that it will not be an eyesore in the surrounding natural beauty. Daniel should be dressed in historically accurate attire with his hand shielding the light from above. In his other hand, he should be holding a piece of jerky while he tears it apart with his teeth. There will also be a plaque that explains what the monument is all about.

“This monument was erected in 2009 to commemorate the pivotal role of jerky to the expansion westward. It was imperative to be able to carry meat that wouldn’t spoil to feed the hungry explorers as they bravely widened the Wilderness Trail through the Cumberland Gap to make it easier for the settlers that followed. Here you see the esteemed Daniel Boone gazing to the frontier ahead. He is enjoying some delicious jerky. This is probably venison jerky as deer are plentiful in these woods.”

I believe that the monument would technically be a national monument because the area in which it should be placed is a National Historical Park. The funding, however, could be raised privately. I would certainly enjoy contributing to such a great landmark, as would other jerky enthusiasts that I know. Also, with some artfully placed advertising I believe we could raise funds from jerky producing companies such as Jack’s Links. Perhaps they could sponsor the monument.

Russian Ice-Skating Bear Kills His Trainer

2009-10-22T10:55:00.002-04:00

Really. I am completely taken back that an ice skating fucking bear killed his trainer.

"BISHKEK, Kyrgyzstan — The director of a circus arena says an ice-skating bear turned on its trainers, killing one and seriously wounding another.
Kurmangazy Isanayev says workers dragged the trainers with a visiting Russian troupe away from the bear following Wednesday's attack, as they were rehearsing for a show in Bishkek.
The exits were then closed and rescue services called in.
Police say they shot the bear dead."

Hardy har har. Here are the key points to this one:

1.) Don't make a fucking bear ice skate
2.) Don't be around a bear, ever. Seriously, they will fucking kill you.
3.) Be extra careful when around a bear and the police at the same time. You'll notice that the police response was to CLOSE THE EXITS, hilariously trapping all the assholes that were in the arena. This was where, by the way, our bloodthirsty ice-skating bear was murdering the shit out of his trainer.
4.) Let us learn something about parenting. If you make your kids do something that sucks, they will turn into a bear and eat your face.
5.) Finally, when shooting bears, please take caution to 'shoot them dead.' Shooting a bear alive is tough if they're already dead, but if they are alive and you shoot them and they are still alive, they often eat your butt to smithereens (Always Sunny reference)

Now that we have covered most of the important points lets take a brief moment to reflect on why no one visits Kyrgyzstan. Basically, it's probably because no one has any idea where the fuck it is. If they do, they are probably confusing it with Kazakhstan, where Borat was from. Other issues include: Naming cities things like Bishkek. Ice skating bear murderers. Cops that shoot people dead. Skate boarding lion attacks are up 34% this year.

Don't go to Kyrgyzstan, dick.

I don't know Lloyd, the French are assholes.

2009-09-02T11:43:00.006-04:00

Sounds like the French are taking a break from surrendering to plan their roads with amazing hilarity. If you cruise through the article here you'll see what I mean.

French hosehound does something kinda funny

So the French have dumped diplomacy in exchange for using city planing to take little jabs at each other. In a classic case of "hold me back"--where you say you're gonna fight someone but in reality you are just praying that your friends will hold you back long enough for the bouncers to throw everyone out of the club, where you continue to scream obscene things as you book it to a cab and thank god you didn't just get the shit beat out of you--two warring cities have placed one way streets that face each other. They outsourced the planning to the great great great grandson of the man that planned the streets in Boston, Seamus the Drunken Dancing Leprechaun the Sixth. Who, coincidentally, used the same tools for the planning of the roads as his predecessor, 18 pints of Guinness, a DUI arrest, an angry Polynesian hooker, a crayon and some construction paper.
While I'm at it, since our special teams writer apparently doesn't have enough vacation days from his 'freelance writing' job to read or write this blog, I would like to add this:

Tom Brady is gay.
Bill Belichick is a cheating hooker with a sex tape.
Manny Rameriz is a lazy bitch.
David Ortiz is fat.
The Boston Garden is a terrible venue.
The long chicken sandwich? It long chicken sucks ass.
Special Teams doesn't count.
France sucks.
Authority is awesome.
Bush was a genius.
Obama sucks.
The sky is green.
Ninjas are awesome.
Samurais can suck a big one.
Steven Seagal is a phenomenal actor.
Jim Rome is the best sports commentator ever.
Even though you punched me in the face, you still a little bitch.
AND I'M GLAD THE WHALERS MOVED!

Suck it bitch. Lets rumble!!!
( I love you, but I need to jumpstart things )
( But you did punch me in the face)

Welcome Back.

2009-08-31T11:48:00.001-04:00

I know that no one reads this crap anymore, but I am determined to write anyway. I am sitting in class right now and felt the overpowering desire to get some more Freedom, Glory and America in my life. So that's it for now. More to follow.

Scattered thoughts on tonight's hoops

2009-02-11T14:18:00.010-05:00

#1 UConn vs. #20 Syracuse- 7 pm, ESPN- The Orangemen will try to dethrone the top-rated Huskies on their own turf. Coach Calhoun's team features four talented guards (two of which are super athletic and lightning-quick), a double-double machine at power forward, and a 7-3 monster from Tanzania in the middle. They have some serious talent but their lack of a true three-point shooter hurts their ability to pull away from teams. The Huskies instead rely on being bigger, faster, stronger, and more talented then there opponents. Jim Boeheim will no doubt break out his vaunted zone and try to force UConn to shoot over the top of them but, as we all know, ZONE DEFENSE IS FOR PUSSIES. Guards Kemba Walker and Jerome Dyson will slice through it, big Jeff Adrien will power through it and Hasheem Thabeet will simply dunk over it.

#3 UNC vs. #4 Duke- 9 pm, ESPN- I can't describe to you how much I hate the Duke Blue Devils. Whether it's their pedophile-looking coach or there insistence on only recruiting little, white tryers who can only shoot, flop, whine to the refs, and look like they have downs-syndrome Duke pisses me off to no end. Old white guys love Duke because they "play the game the right way" (translation: aren't able to dunk),"hustle" (translation: not talented), and "fundamentally sound" (translation: white). These same old white guys decry the "thugs" (translation: tattooed people) who are "selfish" (translation: dunk) and "don't have respect for the game" (translation: black). Hey, old white guys (Dickie V. I'm looking at you), I don't want to generalize but chances are that you are a racist. Also, I'm sick of all the dick-sucking for these Cameron Crazies, why does the TV camera angle at Duke have to be different than at all other 300+ basketball schools? What fucking TV executive decided that TV viewers don't want to see the coach and the bench but rather 2,000 painted-blue losers who have way, way too many choreographed cheers and dances. Seriously, all you "Duke fans" (translation: racists) get a life.

I'm back, bitches

2009-02-09T14:15:00.004-05:00

OK, so it's been about six months since Freglomerica last exploded into your brain. In the interval a lot of very fascinating stuff has happened to your intrepid punter. And by "a lot of very fascinating stuff" I mean alcohol and by "has happened" I mean poisoning. Kinda, seriously, call my mom, she'll tell you. A lot has also gone down in the grand scheme of things. Let's check the scorecard:

-America elected its first black president: +20 points.
-Said president is a Democrat: -5.
-Democrats are just as frustrating/annoying/bad at governing as Republicans: -15.
-Red Sox make the playoffs without Manny: +3.
-Red Sox make it to the ALCS sans Manny: +5.
-Red Sox lose to Devil Rays in ALCS without Manny: -5.
-Manny absolutely murders the NL: +5.
-Manny carries Dodgers to NLCS: +5.
-Manny loses to Phillies, setting up Philly vs. Tampa for the World Series: -6.
-Manny still isn't signed and people are acting like he's Hitler: -10.
-Holy Taco breaks ground on new stadium: +10
-Patriots get set to avenge Super Bowl loss: +2.
-Tom Brady's knee explodes seven minutes into first game: -a billion.
-Pats gut out an 11-5 season but miss playoffs: 0.
-Peyton Manning wins MVP but loses in first round, the story of his life: +5.
-Cardinals make the Super Bowl: +4.
-But lose to hated Steelers: -6.
-Sarah Palin names child after Bristol, CT because that's where ESPN is headquartered: Mrs. Palin, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Final tally: +12 minus a billion??

Anyway, this is not a complete scorecard so I expect to update this shortly. Let it be known that Doug the Punter is back and blogging. Shout it from the rooftops, kids. And if I stop writing then feel free to make fun of me in the comments in the most personal, degrading way possible. We're all in this together.

Fourth of July Aftermath

2008-08-15T13:39:00.012-04:00

Independence Day got very interesting for me. Here's a song about it that came from divan inspiration. My apologies to Old Crow Medicine Show and their song "Wagon Wheel."

Heading down south to the land of the sand
Thumbin' my way around Block Island,
Staring at the road, pray to God I see headlights
Been wandering around for five good hours,
Makin' my way through brambles and flowers,
Hoping to Rhodey, I don't see the Felders tonight

Block Island is the place where I'm a heel,
In Block Island I sleep wherever I feel
Hey, Blo-ock Island
In Block Isle I survived the wind and the rain
Next day felt like I got hit by a train
Hey, Blo-ock Island

Running from the warmth of Yellow Kittens
I was born to be the drunkest on the whole island
My belly liked the Coors Lights, I drank some bourbon, too
North country couches kept a-calling me
It wasn't my house so I had to up and leave
But I ain't turning back to see who kicked me out

Block Island is the place where I'm a heel,
In Block Island I sleep wherever I feel
Hey, Blo-ock Island
In Block Isle I survived the wind and the rain
Next day felt like I got hit by a train
Hey, Blo-ock Island

Walking in the morning, wish I had a smoke
Caught a cabbie I knew, he remembered Ted's joke
I was heading east for Old Harbor, thank God he remembered me
And I gotta get a move on fit for the sun
I hear someone yellin' at me
And I know that she's not the only one
And if I die Rhodey
At least I didn't pee

Block Island is the place where I'm a heel,
In Block Island I sleep wherever I feel
Hey, Blo-ock Island
In Block Isle I survived the wind and the rain
Next day felt like I got hit by a train
Hey, Blo-ock Island

AhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHH ... good bye ev-wee-buddy

2008-08-15T10:27:00.005-04:00

It is a sad, sad day for me. Mike and the Mad Dog, the greatest radio show sports-related or otherwise ever, has come to an end. Chris "Mad Dog" Russo was let out of his contract by WFAN 660 New York. I remember listening to Mike and Chris pretty much everyday from the time I was six to the time I was 13 in my dad's car on the drive back from school. Whenever I was back within range after that I would make a point to listen to these pioneers of radio. Their style of sports talk radio has been copied by virtually other show out there, to the point that it seems absurd that a sports talk show could take any other format. These guys were so good it didn't matter that they were pretty much always talking about New York sports and I'm a Boston fan.

They were entertaining and engaging. They didn't say outlandish things just to get ratings unlike virtually every other hack radio man. They would spend time talking about boxing matches from 40 years ago or other obscure events and they made them interesting. My favorite thing that they did was when they read a baseball players stats off year-by-year and discussed his hall of fame merit ("That was a ha-yuge year for him, Dog. Ha-yuge."). These guys were so much better than anything WEEI has ever produced. Where WEEI makes me hate sports Mike and Chris made me enjoy them. They were the Cadillac of radio shows and I am truly sad to see them go. Best of luck to them both, from a fan.

Manny and Mike and the Mad Dog leave within two weeks? I should be on suicide watch or something.

In which Ted and I get alliterative...

2008-08-06T09:53:00.005-04:00

Ted: I like alliteration

pampered pooch pooped on the plywood

Doug: pampered pooch pleasantly pooped on the plywood
your turn
Ted: paraplegic pampered pooch pleasantly pooped on the purple plywood
SLAM!
Doug: you want to play that way?
fine
paraplegic pampered pug pooch pleasantly pooped on the purple plywood piano purposely put there by Peter Parker
Ted: polly pockets' paraplegic previously pampered pug pooch pleasantly pooped on the purple plywood piano purposely put there by Peter Parker, not peter pan, who previously purchased polly's precocious pug and pretty purple piano
HAHAHAHAHA
this is the most fun i have had in weeks
Doug: you repeat, cheater
Ted: i don't get credit for the repeats
Doug: ok
Ted: shit
we need to blog this
Doug: polly pockets' paraplegic pampered pug pooch pleasantly pooped on the purple plywood piano purposely put there by Peter Parker, not peter pan, who previously purchased Parker Posey's powerful, potent poster of Paramount's Powder
Ted: you dick
blog it
pleeeeease
Doug: i gotta buy Who tickets
you do it

In which Ted and I expose our inner nerds...

2008-08-01T14:38:00.006-04:00

Ted and I are jocks and as such it is our job, no our constitutional obligation, to make fun of nerds. (Hey buddy, you get a load of that nerd?) However, deep within every jock there is at least an ounce of nerdom hovering below the surface of our once manly (now overweight) physiques. Today we had an IM conversation in which our inner nerds emerged:

Ted: fuck shit
i want to play zelda again
fuck shit
Doug: your boss still there?
Ted: yeah
Doug: fucker
Ted: now there's two of 'em
Doug: uh-oh, they're multiplying
Ted: i want to freeze one with my boomarang, then shoot my sword at him, but i'm down a half a heart
sucks
Doug: beep
beep
beep
beep
beep
beep
Ted: no
Doug: beep
beep
beep
beep
Ted: just down a half
Doug: beep
beep
oh ok
Ted: not TO a half
Doug: gotcha
Ted: jeez, scared me

Manny Withdrawal Support Group

2008-08-01T10:03:00.002-04:00

As I mentioned in my last post there are some burning questions to which I need answers.

How do I treat Jason Bay?

How long do I hold a grudge against ownership/management?

I'm I trying to have my proverbial cake and eat it too?

Why is everyone siding with management?

Is it wrong for us to have that countdown clock?

Am I being a bad fan?

Who does Theo Epstein think he is?

When can I take my Manny jersey off? (hint: never)

When am I allowed to sober up?

I don't know the answers to any of these questions but I'm sure I'll delve into them over the next couple of weeks. Fucking thing, sucks!

I'm I stupid or is everyone else stupid

2008-07-31T23:01:00.006-04:00

I like Peter Gammons, I have nothing but respect for the man but his most recent article on Manny is a total and complete piece of garbage. In it he claims that the Red Sox had no chance whatsoever of making the playoffs with Manny this year. Is he insane? Has he gone senile? He claims that Manny would've held the team hostage for the next couple months with his antics. Oh, I'm sorry he didn't fucking set a record for his hustle to first base against Lackey the other night. It would've really mattered too because the guy after him hit a home run that would've given the Red Sox a 2-1 lead. Oh wait, the sox were losing 6-0 at the time and the next hitter also grounded out.

Gammons also asks this ludicrous question: "Was it worse to take performance-enhancing drugs to perform better and win, or to decline to play and steal money?" STEAL MONEY? STEAL MONEY? HE FUCKING WON THEM TWO GODDAMN WORLD SERIES. Also it goes without saying that taking steroids is much worse than not hustling down the line (the fact that he raised the question is beyond comprehension). I know its fashionable and all to not give older guys extensions nowadays but if anyone ever desereved one before the season it was Manny fucking Ramirez. This ownership group is so fucking full of themselves its re-goddamn-diculous. They are the ones who acted like spoiled brats by not appreciating what Manny has done for them. Sure, Manny can be a handful and a pain in the ass but so what? He wins baseball games. Sorry he couldn't cure AIDS and lower gas prices while he was at it.

The real question, which I will get into in much more depth tomorrow, is how do I approach the rest of this season. I still love the players on the Red Sox and still like the team but the ownership can go fuck themselves for all I care. They drove their best player out of town. But if they make the playoffs I'm going to have to deal with all these Manny-haters saying, "I told you so." And I fucking hate being told I told you so. This fucking sucks.

Also what's this with everyone talking management's side in this case. No love for the working man? Fucking scabs. I wish I was at Fenway for Bay's first game. That fucking canuck. I'd yell, "The Bruins play down the street you fucking hoser!" And start Manny's Better chants all fucking night.

FUCK!!!!

Welcome to another 86 years of fucking ruining it.

2008-07-31T17:40:00.002-04:00

So it sounds like the ownership/management/special-olymplic-all-stars in the Red Sox front office have struck again. I wonder if I'll live long enough to see the Sox win it again. Worst fucking trade ever.

Farewell, Sweet Manny

2008-07-31T16:39:00.003-04:00

Well all the fucking retarded media types and arrogant Red Sox ownership/management just got their wish. They traded away the best hitter Boston had since Ted Williams (yes, better than Yaz). All he ever did was win two fucking World Series' for this ungrateful group but because the previous owners/general managers signed Manny they never liked him. They tried to give him away since day one and when he delivered season after season they ignored his accomplishments and acted like the ingrate that they claimed Manny was.

Yeah, it was always an adventure in the outfield for Manny. Yeah, he was never very open with the media and got summarily ripped for it but who fucking cares. Let me tell you kids about another Boston left fielder whose defense was criticized and the media hated. His name was TED FUCKING WILLIAMS!!!!! And Manny has brought more titles to Boston than him!!!!

So in the end Boston got two titles and Manny got $168 million. Yeah that's a ton of money but when you think about how much cash the team made off Manny's accomplishments its a drop in the fucking bucket. Hell, I spent at least $2.7 million on World Series merchandise. Yet the owners wanted Manny to keep kissing their asses when it should be the other way around.

RBIs and World Championships. That's what Manny does. Unfortunately it will be some fucking crazy left coasters who don't give a shit about the Dodgers who will be benefiting from it now. Anyone who thinks that this is Manny's fault should shoot themselves in the fucking face. Anyone who thinks it was the ownership who stored up enough goodwill points with the fans that we should just accept whatever they tell us has things ass backwards. It's Manny who should get the benefit of the doubt. Epstein can trade for Orlando Cabrera all day every day but it was Manny who won that fucking world series. Not those arrogant pricks in the luxury boxes.

Anyway, goodbye, Manny. You were too beautiful for this town. There's at least one fan out there who will miss you. I'll see you in Cooperstown.

I will eat your soul in badminton

2008-07-25T09:37:00.006-04:00

Today my company has its annual picnic. I'm not exactly sure what to expect. There's a pool, but I can't take my shirt off in public. There will probably be adult beverages, but I can't get too drunk. There will be food, but I can't gorge myself in front of my coworkers. However there will be badminton and I'm the best fucking badminton player in the whole damned state.

How did I get so good at such a pussy sport? My answer is in two parts. First, your face is a pussy sport. And second, I took a class for it in college. Yeah, while you were sitting in Medieval and Renaissances Studies 110: Western Encounters with Islam or concealing guns in your glove compartment, I was swaggering around the gym, kicking people's asses in badminton; that's how awesome my school is.

Sure, half of my what-surely-must-be-a-school-record 46 singles badminton wins came against girls who didn't want anything to do with badminton (or a sweaty, screaming, overweight badminton ace) but a win is a win and I still beat some pretty stiff competition. Seriously. Just ask the former Division I-AA All-American defensive end who was the badminton instructor. I wiped the floor with that 6-4, 280 lbs. meat stick. It wasn't very hard either.

What? Your asking about my 1-2 record against that one kid in the class? Well, that doesn't count. He was in shape.

So anyway I'm going to burn so many bridges today playing badminton they might as well call me Nero.

What's up 12-year-old daughter of a junior partner? Bam! Your done, NEXT!

How's it going morbidly obese and repulsive staff accountant? Bam! Get the fuck out of here, NEXT!

Think you can hang with me unpaid summer intern? Bam! Tell your girlfriend I said what's up.

That's it, I'm done, retiring undefeated and untied. See you Monday, fuckers.

Get your glow sticks hippies, Bill O'reilly Dance Remix.

2008-07-23T13:55:00.001-04:00

Fuckin' thing.

Thoughts on Jesse Jackson saying the N-Word

2008-07-21T11:58:00.004-04:00

My only thoughts on the issue stem from the issue of Age, not Race. I graced gods good earth in '83, many Americans had fought war or two by then, so I am not coming from the angle of superior experience. But I am a member of the generation that is up and coming. In ten years, we will be the young politicians, lawyers, TV news talking heads, Military personnel, government officials, etc. Those in my circle, the people that I believe to be motivated, educated, and intelligent enough to call a spade a spade, say the same thing about this as I do: Who gives a shit?

We didn't live through the same things as the generation before and don't carry some of the same fears/guilt. I never went to a school where black kids couldn't go. Even when I was in private school. I never drank from a whites only fountain. Personally, and the opinion of my friends, racism seems a little ridiculous to me. I mean, seriously, judging someones worth or intelligence on skin color? Writing off an entire race? Acting or making decisions solely based on ethnicity? To me, this is just plain dumb.

As far as the word nigger goes: It's an ugly word, don't say it if you don't like it, don't say it if it's going to offend someone, 'cause when you do someone will be offended. That being said, whore is also an ugly word, so is cocksucker and fuckhead. I use them, but not on TV and only in certain company. Given enough time, we will no longer be arguing about words inciting racism and all that jazz, we'll be focused on moving forward as a country and not being so damn impolite on TV.

I think that the furor should have been the same if he picked another word. He's an instigator and he's been shunned by the guy whose coattails he wants to ride, and he's bitter. If he had said, "he's talking down to motherfuckers" it wouldn't have been a race issue, it would have been an issue of how bitter Jesse Jackson is. That's the real issue.

Personally, this whole thing is not news worthy and should have been on TMZ. Bottom line is the people that I know in my generation don't care about shit like this. They don't care that he said nigger, it's not setting anything back, they care that he's on TV acting like a damn asshole, I care that he's a relevant public figure for no apparent reason. I care about how seriously people take him. Instigation is not emancipation, a hibbity hibbity and a rat a tat tat,

This guy hates freedom

2008-07-18T13:48:00.001-04:00

Comments:I am furious with your scamming company on behalf of my wife. We purchased the two (removed company name) products that the store said were the correct product to receive the manicure or pedicure voucher. When we enter ed the UPC Codes into the appropriate webpage your scamming system stated t hat these were not the correct product even they were. It stated that they had to be the ones with the special green plastic label and they were. Yo ur stupid Customer Service Supervisor RN (if he really was) said I did not know what I was talking about even though I was reading the webpag e to him. He then said it was the blue numbers on the bottom or top of the products. I told him there were no blue numbers on the top or bottom of e ither bottle. I demanded he send my wife the voucher. He refused and hung up on me. I called back and another representative tried to say that (product removed) did not do this, but some other company. I don't know what kind of con game (removed) is playing on God-fearing American citizens b ut be assured we will never buy anything that you produce unless you immedi ately send a voucher for my wife via overnight mail. A copy of this note i s being saved to use to report your company to the Better Business Bureau a nd the Ohio Attorney General's Office for fraud. You are low down terroris ts. I would rather be robbed by a street thug with a gun to my head than b y you terrorists who hide in your white color jobs and rob people of what t hey are due. At least a street thug does not claims to be anything other t han that. I trust that God brings economic failure to your company to punish you for your treatment of good people.

Yankees Sign Richie Sexson to Tentative Deal

2008-07-17T15:05:00.011-04:00

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Ok that's enough, it's jus...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

Sorry about that but I ca...HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

WOW, that's a good one. How the mighty have fallen. This guy wasn't good enough for the 37-58 Seattle Mariners but the Yankees bring him in. He's barely hitting above the Mendoza Line (.218) with less RBIs than part-time catcher Chris Ianneta (30). I guess New York brought him in to face leftys (he's 21-for-61 against them this year) but really? I got nothing against Sexson personally but he's pretty washed up and I find it hilarious that the vaunted Yankees rescued him from the scrap heap. What's next? Jose Lima to steady the rotation? Eric Gagne to shore up the bullpen? Carl Everett to help clubhouse chemistry? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

The Stereo

2008-07-16T14:42:00.010-04:00

Fort Sumter, Archiduke Ferdinand and Pearl Harbor are all phrases synonymous with the opening of unbelievably violent and horrific conflicts. Sadly, they may soon be joined by "NO DISC."

Thus read a local man's car stereo when he attempted to play a compact disc featuring Robert Johnson, the father of the blues, and Old Crow Medicine Show, an old-time string band.

The man, only identified as Doug, returned to his car this afternoon after having lent it to a friend for nearly a week. Shortly thereafter relations between Doug and the car's stereo quickly took an ugly turn.

Upon entering the car Doug inserted the CD. Instead of showing it's usual "TRACK 1" on its display the defiant stereo simply read, "NO DISC." Visibly annoyed Doug pulled out of the parking lot hoping that the problem would work itself out. It did not.

Compounding the problem was the fact that Doug's car is black with a black leather interior, devoid of any semblance of air conditioning and the sunroof was broken by Doug's idiot brother.

Doug acknowledged that the heat played a significant factor in what will surely go down as a day of infamy. "Yeah, the heat was a bitch. I knew it would be but I guess I just wasn't ready for it. When I opened that door I got a rush of pure heat, directly from the bowels of hell. My mood turned."

After about 60 seconds in the car Doug began to become concerned with his car's stereo. "What the fuck," he muttered to himself. Figuring the problem would fix itself, he drove on.

Having driven for several minutes in the sweltering car Doug began to perspire, at first just a little on the brow and collar but shortly thereafter this typically jovial 22-year-old would become a raging inferno of hate, drenched in sweat.

At nearly the precise moment that Doug crossed the intersection of Hillside St. and Randolph Ave. he realized that the stereo would not fix itself. Wagon Wheel would not pour out of the car's speakers to quiet the anger building inside him.

"What the fuck is going on here?" the driver exclaimed as he ejected, and promptly reinserted, the CD. The stereo's display stared at him, "NO DISC."

"I know there is a goddamn disc in there, you piece of shit!" yelled Doug. Thinking that perhaps the volume was all the way down he turned the knob clockwise. The ill-fated knob had succumbed to the heat hours ago and was nothing more than glob of melted rubber. Instead of raising the stereo's volume Doug had instead succeeded in getting rubber all over his hands.

"That was definitely a low-point. No question. I wanted to turn the stereo up but instead my hand looked like I sneezed on it but if the snot was black... and smelled like cancer," Doug recalled when asked about the Melting of the Knob.

Having seemingly failed to turn the volume up Doug switched the stereo to FM. Sure enough WPLR was blaring the Alabama Song by the Doors. So it wasn't the volume. When switched back to CD mode, the stereo still read, "NO DISC."

Doug's patience was completely gone at the point. His hair and shirt drenched in sweat and his right hand caked in molten rubber. Doug snapped. (WARNING: Explicit language to follow)

"WHAT IN THE FUCK, YOU FUCKING PIECE OF GODDAMNED SHIT STEREO! YOU HAVE ONE FUCKING JOB ON THIS WHOLE DAMNED PLANET AND THAT IS TO PLAY ME MY FUCKING CD! I DON'T CARE HOW YOU DO IT BUT YOU BETTER FUCKING PLAY THIS CD OR IT'S OVER!" Doug bellowed at his car.

"NO DISC," the stereo mocked him.

"THIS FUCKING THING...SUCKS. FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING PIECE OF SHIT! YOU GODDAMNED SONOFABITCH!!!" This round of expletives was punctuated by Doug's angry display of the middle finger to his stereo.

"NO DISC," the stereo read, calmer and crueler than ever.

"FUCK YOU! YOU HAVE ONE FUCKING JOOOOOOOB!!!!!!!!!" The crescendo built to awe-inspiring levels, passing motorists on the road stared with a strange combination of amazement and horror at this sweat-soaked man hurling obscenities at a seemingly innocuous piece of machinery.

"GWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA........" This was no longer English spewing forth from Doug but rather a primal, guttural sound that continued for nearly half a minute, growing louder. This time, not just content to abuse his stereo verbally, Doug removed his hand from shift lever and brought it forward, violently. The ensuing collision would change everything, forever.

His hand throbbing and with a deranged grin across his face Doug, brought his hand back from what he surely thought would be a decimated car stereo, eager to see the end of his nemesis.

Quoth the stereo, "NO DISC." It was completely intact.

"This isn't fucking over you snot-nosed, arrogant piece of crap," Doug said with relative calm. Still, he was jabbing his finger into the tape deck to drive his point home.

Still minutes from his destination, Doug turned the stereo off and decided to actually pay attention to driving, and not sweating.

"This isn't over between me and that fucking stereo. I've gone through all the proper channels and completed all the appropriate paperwork, crossed every T and dotted all the lower-case J's. It's war and I'm going to bring the motherfucking pain," said Doug with a unsettling amount of composure.

Considering Doug must commute home in less than 90 minutes the stereo's time may be running short or, perhaps, its time is just beginning...

No talent ass clown

2008-07-16T13:31:00.005-04:00

Soooooooooo,
It just so happens that Derek Jeter isn't good at baseball.

He may be an outstanding team player, fine. They have tons of "outstanding team players" at the special olympics.

Okay, so you say he's the face of the Yankees organization and a "real stand-up guy." Fuck that shit.

First off, Stienbrenner was the face of the organizaiton, and when we all think about Steinbrenner, we think of the back of his head yelling at George Costanza. So ha.

Second, what the fuck is a stand up guy? Richard Pryor was a stand up guy, and I will to bet that he would have been a better shortstop.

The only reason that people think that Derek Jeter is a great baseball player is because they are fucking YANKEES FANS! Which, by nature, makes you a cotton headed ninny muggins. Granted, I believe that there is a secret chemical leaked into the city water that brainwashes people into being "newyoakahs," but until science backs me up, they are just plain dumb.

I'm sure that Doug will punt me some stats to back this shit up. But hey, fuggettaboutit! Right you silly greasy guido fucks? Paint the ceiling, thanks.

Look at this picture. I mean, did he actually say to the camera man, "Hey, I got nothing on A-Rod as far as talent goes, so, could you make me look shiny? Like really really really shiny? Pleeeeeease?!!? Thanks buddy. Don't worry, I'll sign that jersey later. Like right in the middle of the fucking all-star game." Hey Jeter, you should have even been in the dugout. You kinda suck.

Reason #14,738 Why I Love Manny

2008-07-10T13:28:00.003-04:00

During a pitching change in the 6th inning of yesterday's game Manny decided to make a couple calls inside the monster. I would cut off my left hand to be in Manny's five.

News from the Underground

2008-07-08T16:01:00.004-04:00

A tired man once told me, "F*ck this, I'm going to sleep." I didn't really understand what he meant until this past weekend. Details forthcoming...

Fuckin thing

2008-07-07T14:23:00.000-04:00

Snakes! Nasty Snakes!

2008-07-07T07:58:00.005-04:00

So it turns out that it isn't a great idea to drink snake wine. Yeah, snake wine. Gross. It's some sort of booze, with a fucking snake in it, and some sort of snake eggs, and a few drops of death.

I may or may not have drank some of this evil, evil devil juice on Freedomas Eve (the night before America Day) and there may or may not have been a gay dance party to the song "Brandy." Oops.

Happy Independence Day!

2008-07-02T15:35:00.004-04:00

I know I'm a bit early but I'm going to be away for the rest of the week. Hope everyone has a great Fourth of July.

Live Free or Die

2008-07-01T09:29:00.007-04:00

I'll go point-by-point so my slack-jawed, mouth-breathing friend can follow along:

-Yes, Virginia was the first British colony in America. Fine, have that title all you want. Colonies are un-American but you want to know what is American? Statehood, and Connecticut, Massachusetts (which then included Maine), and New Hampshire were all states before Johnny-come-lately Virginia decided to join the party.

-New England doesn't have state parks? Really? I guess we should all bow down to Virginia's whopping 34 state parks because that is way too many for the states of New England to match. Oh wait, Connecticut has 61 (SIXTY-ONE!!!!) state parks, which is pretty impressive because it's about 13% of the size of Virginia. Rhode Island, yes Little Rhodey, has 29 state parks. I stopped counting after that. Also New England is the vacation destination for America's elite (Bar Harbor, ME, Newport, RI, Nantucket, MA, Martha's Vineyard, MA, Old Saybrook, CT the list goes on and on...)

-New England gave birth to seven presidents (six and a half really): John Adams, John Quincy Adams, Franklin Pierce, Calvin Coolidge, John F. Kennedy, George Bush, and George Bush jr.

-Yes, Virginia grows tobacco but so does Connecticut and parts of Massachusetts. The Connecticut River valley north of Hartford is known as Tobacco Valley. So don't go thinking that smokers in New England couldn't get their fix if it weren't for Virginia.

-Richmond was never the capital of its own country. Pretending to be a country does not make you a country. I could sit here all day and declare my cubicle a sovereign nation but that doesn't make it so. As far as America is concerned, the south (and my cubicle) were never their own countries.

-You can have the CIA and Pentagon all you want. We have the WWE world headquarters. Suck on that.

-Ted: Virginia was once so big and bad that it consisted of Virgina, West Virginia, Kentucky, Tennessee, North and South Carolina and DC. Again with colonial times. Get it through your head that when Virginia was that big they were just a puppet for a King that lived thousands of miles away. Being subjugated by a monarch isn't exactly something to be proud of...

-Your accents make you sound like brain dead hicks.

-The Redskins have been better over their history than the Patriots but where did the Redskins start their history? In Boston, so your welcome for your football team. Eat it.

New England has much better educational institutions (all the elite boarding schools and colleges are in New England (yeah, I went to college in VA, big mistake)) and is simply smarter.

New England is more wealthy.

New England gave the world the rock bands Boston and Aerosmith.

I hope a lobster chops your balls off.

Virginia beats the shit out of New England.

2008-07-01T08:00:00.001-04:00

Listen here Chowdaheads.

Sad story for you snow-weary Plymouth rock monkeys. Virginia totally started America. 1607, Jamestown, Va. Birthplace of America. Look it up bitches.

Virginia is prettier, with 34 highly regarded state parks. Love the smell of America? I do. Where do I get my fix? Virginia's state parks!

New England isn't even a state. It's a stupid region with stupid regional parks. Plus, when is anything named after England good? (England, not an English person. Too easy, Doug)

Virgina gave birth to eight presidents.

Virginia grows tobacco, everyone looks cool when they smoke, even Richie Cunningham.

Our State capital was also the capital of a country. (One that was not recognized by the US, but who cares! Fuck em.)

We have the Pentagon, the CIA, and the NRA. Also, we have 7 dead presidents and Arlington National cemetery on our hallowed grounds.

Virginia was once so big and bad that it consisted of Virgina, West Virginia, Kentucky, Tennessee, North and South Carolina and DC. Beat that fuck stain.

Our accents sound better.

The Redskins are better (over time) than the patriots.

The Red Sox are better than anyone so fuck you Doug, I'm taking that one away.

America was born in Virginia.

Virginia is for lovers. We like to bump nasties.

p.s. Doug likes dudes.

Baseball = America

2008-06-30T11:53:00.009-04:00

Oh really, the league is dominated by foreigners? Really? I guess the fact that a large majority (over 60%) of baseball players are American doesn't count as dominating. Regardless, should this matter? Baseball provides an opportunity for many people from less fortunate countries to come to this great nation of ours and, hopefully, fulfill the American dream, just like my ancestors did 100 years ago. Seriously, it wasn't more than a generation or two ago that names like Sean O'Malley and Rico Petrocelli were as foreign as Manny Ramirez or Jose Reyes. So a quick recap: most players are American and those that are not, join the great American melting pot. (Also many of these players become American citizens, like David Ortiz.)

Football has become the new poker. It's over analyzed to hell because there isn't enough action for the talking heads to discuss so they just work themselves into a lather about completely unimportant and nonsensical issues like Terrell Owens or post-game handshakes. Baseball actually produces new action nearly everyday. Nonstop action is very American.

Also, it's technically, "San Demas Football Rules." Billy Madison stole that line from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure...

Build a border fence around Baseball....

2008-06-30T11:30:00.003-04:00

As we approach Freedommas (Latin for the Mass of Freedom), we find ourselves in the same old debate: Is Football more American than Baseball?

While I'm sure that Doug is foaming at the mouth, I think I'm going to go for Football on this one ladies. It's not that I don't support Baseball, or that I don't think Baseball is American, it's that there aren't enough fucking Americans playing the game. It is simply chock full of nuts, and by nuts I clearly mean fargen foreigners.

The league is dominated by foreign players and coaches, and given enough time, I'm sure they will be dominated by foreign owners. Let's face it folks, we are not as good at baseball as we used to be. Latin America has the US sitting on the pine and spittin' seeds.

Football, on the other hand, is still dominated Johnny Bluejeans. Don't get all caught up in this 'race' crap, because I don't think that these guys are all white dudes from 'Bama. But it is tough to come up with solid numbers for NFL players born on foreign soil. Also, what is more American than smashing into one another for hours on end?

I am not going to inundate you with facts, or legitimate science to back up my statements, because then I may be wrong. I leave all that shit for Doug.

In closing, Baseball has gone from Americas Pastime to Passed it's Prime, Knibb High Football Rules!!

America Week at Freglomerica

2008-06-30T10:45:00.003-04:00

Come one, come all to Freedom, Glory, America's first annual America Week. Independence Day is this Friday so it's a short work week (Freedom!) culminating in shooting fireworks in a needlessly unsafe manner (Glory!) while stuffed full of apple pie and beer (America!). It's during this time of year that I count my lucky stars that I don't live in Canada (Canadian beer sucks). Anyway here at Freglomerica we'll be doing our best to keep fanning the flames of patriotism with an unprecedented amount of America-related content. Enjoy!

What can Vegas Vacation tell us about American politics?

2008-06-27T15:42:00.009-04:00

There's a scene in Vegas Vacation that has always tickled my funny bone and strangely enough it applies to the current political situation in this country: Chevy Chase is at a cheap buffet with his cousin, Randy Quaid. Chase looks down at two steamer trays, both filled with a revolting, tapioca-like solid/liquid; one is yellow and marked chicken, the other is blue and marked beef. Visibly disgusted Chase points to the yellow tray and says to an attendant, "That's chicken?" To which the attendant replies, "Oh wait, sorry," and promptly switches the signs indicating which dish is which. That's pretty much what politics in this country is like, both options are unappealing, indistinguishable, and sure to back you up for a few days. No matter what "dish" you choose chicken or beef, Republican or Democrat, your screwed.

In my opinion, virtually all politicians in this country (and probably everywhere else) are glad-handing, money-grubbing, spineless, two-faced election monkeys who are more concerned with lining their own pockets with our money, stroking their massive egos, and obtaining power than they are with bettering this country. Yeah, maybe there are a couple exceptions here and there but the general rule is politicians are the scum of the earth. It's that simple. To borrow a phrase from Happy Gilmore, "Blue Jacket. Red Jacket. Who gives a shit?" They're all pretty much the same thing. Until we make it easier for other parties to get the same recognition that the D's and R's get (and give Americans a choice) nothing is going to change drastically. So go ahead, work yourself into a tizzy about Obama or McCain or whoever but keep in mind that it doesn't really matter. In my opinion, they're both pretty decent choices compared to the laughable candidates of elections past. Both seem like honest and well-intentioned Americans. I'm leaning towards Obama because at least he seems like a change from the ordinary and so far, in my life, the ordinary has fucking sucked donkey balls. The End.

Doug is a little bitch

2008-06-27T15:40:00.003-04:00

Seeing as Doug wants to punt the fucking country into goddamn Armageddon, I'll put this in terms that he can understand. Pussies.

This is what Doug wants you to think will happen if Hussein is elected:

Fuck that shit. This is a better representation of the Obama Crisis:

Fuck you Doug

Hillary Clinton is the f@#king Antichrist

2008-06-27T13:29:00.003-04:00

Yep. The morningstar, the seven headed dragon, the great beast, the junior senator from New York. It's not that I hate her, she is the necessary evil that makes me right, it's that she sucks, her ideas suck, her experience sucks, her judging of character sucks, and there are enough fucking retards in this country that believe her bullshit. Just because the staff of the Daily Show and SNL think that HRC should be the president, or Hussein Obama for that matter, doesn't make for a convincing arguement in my book. I mean, c'mon. The only real political experience that she has on a broad level is not divorcing her husband when he was getting blown by any fat hooker with a mouth. (Granted it is hard to be either fat or a hooker without a mouth) But seriously folks, give me something, help me sleep at night, stop me from having a panic attack: Why the fuck would you vote for either of them? Answer: Your a blind Democrat that simply votes on party lines and then bitches about how the Republicans exploit bipartisan politics. Your a borderline social retard that gets all your news from Comedy Central and your pop culture fix from TMZ. Turn off the MTV, stop watching The Hills, and wake up from your goddamn fantasy world. These two schlep rocks are not good for the country, or the world, or anything ever. You're a fucking moron. If you want to ruin a country, go to one that's already fucked up, it'll be easier on you. Try Venezuela, I heard they have nationalized oil companies, sounds fucking sweet. Eat my ass, I'm out.

Watch as she starts step one of sucking out Hussein's soul. (Also, notice her tiny hands, perfectly sized for eating babies)

Catching up with the Red Sox

2008-06-26T10:14:00.003-04:00

We are now at the official half-way point of the Red Sox season. They stand at 49-32, which puts them one game ahead of the Rays for first in the East (five and a half games ahead of the Yankees) and percentage points behind the Angels for the best record in the American League. A lot of people are talking them up as one of the elite teams in baseball and rightfully so, they are possibly the most complete team in the bigs. However, there are still some questions that remain about this club so let's go over what we know and what we don't know about the 2008 Red Sox.

What we know...

-The Red Sox have a lot of starting pitchers. Boston has had eight different pitchers start games for them so far this year (Lester (17), Wakefield (16), Beckett (14), Dice-K (12), Buchholz (8), Masterson (7), Colon (6), Pauley (1)). The starters are dealing with some injuries right now, Dice-K, Colon, and Buchholz are all not pitching in the bigs because of health issues. However I think the depth is a major strength for the Red Sox but at the same time they should be weary of dealing any of their starters, like the ill-fated Arroyo-for-Wily Mo trade. When healthy I say the rotation should go: Beckett, Dice-K, Lester, Colon, Buchholz/Masterson. For the playoffs I bet it's just Beckett, Dice-K, and Lester.

-Youk is a dick.

-Maybe JD Drew was worth that contract. Ever since he hit that grand slam in game 6 of the ALCS I haven't been able to objectively view Drew, but now I can objectively say that he is pulling his weight. He's been arguably the AL player of the month and has carried the load with Ortiz out of the lineup. I think this is a testament to what hitting in front of Manny can do for a player.

-The Red Sox bullpen is hilarious. When they aren't performing in the Manny Delcarmen Band, they're acting like they're pirates (seriously), when they aren't doing any of that they are making hilarious music videos to entertain the fans.

Rain delay
Uploaded by bsap11

What we don't know...

Can anyone other than Papelbon be relied upon? Javier Lopez is having a good year and Okajima is decent but I think they probably need another arm out there (Brian Fuentes of Colorado is probably the biggest name on the market). However they should be weary of making bad trades like they did for Scott Sauerbeck in 2003 and Eric Gagne last year.

-Will the Spankee's continue to flounder? I really hope so but they still scare me.

-How effective will Papi be once he returns?

-Will Coco Crisp be dealt?

Regardless of these questions, I feel pretty good about the Red Sox in the long run. As long as they get to the postseason and Beckett is healthy then they have as good a chance as anyone to win it all. Also they better pick up Manny's option for next year or there is going to be a riot.

Delicious Chinese Food

2008-06-26T09:54:00.001-04:00

I guess this would be Sushi? Catshi?

BIG BABY!!!!!!!!

2008-06-20T14:08:00.000-04:00

Seventeen

2008-06-18T15:38:00.003-04:00

Who's ready for some unabashed jingoism?

2008-06-17T10:18:00.003-04:00

I first heard of this story a couple weeks ago and didn't really pay it much attention but now it's getting some more coverage and since it concerns America I figured it was time for me to weigh in.

Becky Hammon is one of the best players in the WNBA (so she would be riding the pine on any decent men's high school team) but she didn't make our Olympic team. So what did the South Dakota native do? Why agree to play for the Ruskies, that's what. Since Hammon plays in a Russian pro league during the WNBA offseason she has been granted dual-citizenship, which has allowed her to play for Russia in the Olympics.

Frankly, I'm pretty disgusted at Hammon. Some people might defend her saying that she just wants to realize her Olympic dream but I have a couple problems with that: First, basketball isn't like gymnastics or swimming or something that people only really pay attention to in the Olympics so I don't really feel bad about her not "realizing her Olympic dream." Second, say she were playing for Morocco or Barbados or Brazil or any other country besides Russia then this wouldn't be that big a deal. I know the Cold War is over but Russia is still one of our main rivals in the Olympics so I think her actions are inexcusable. Finally, and most importantly, aren't most people's Olympic dreams rooted in some sort of national pride? Isn't that the point? To bring USA the gold? I like to think so, at least.

So has Hammon turned her back on her country? Definitely. Has she disgraced herself? Most certainly. Should she be booed by the three dozen fans at every WNBA game? Absolutely. But is she, as the USA coach called her, a traitor? No. I don't think the T-word can be applied in this situation because that's about as low as you can go. In fact I think treason (real, serious, no-joke treason; not I-don't-think-getting-tangled-up-in-the-Middle-East-is-a-good-idea "treason") is probably the only crime that deserves capital punishment so I'm not a big fan of just throwing that word around. Still Hammon really needs to get her priorities straight. She's an American who grew up with all the privileges and responsibilities that that entails so I think it's pretty disrespectful to compete for Russia in the Olympics.

Also if Russia beats USA for the Gold then I say she loses her American citizenship. Seriously. She should be allowed in the country to play in the WNBA but she can spend her winters in Siberia if she loves Russia so freaking much.

Defensive lessons from Manny

2008-06-17T09:01:00.005-04:00

I saw this at the excellent Red Sox blog Fire Brand of the American League. They had a cartoonist illustrate possible reasons for Julio Lugo's struggles in the field. This one tickled my funny bone:
Potential Reason #4: Someone’s been taking defense lessons from Manny.

Cartoon by Samara Pearlstein

Democrats are retards.

2008-06-16T13:10:00.000-04:00

Be sure and read the very last quote.

Our Social Security

Franklin Delano. Roosevelt
32nd. President, Democrat
Terms of Office March 4, 1933, to April 12, 1945
Our Social Security

Franklin Delano. Roosevelt (Terms of Office March 4, 1933, to April 12, 1945), a Democrat, introduced the SocialSecurity (FICA) Program. He promised:

1.) That participation in the Program would be Completely voluntary,

2.) That the participants would only have to pay 1% of the first $1,400 of their annual Incomes into the Program,

3.) That the money the participants elected to put Into the Program would be deductible from Their income for tax purposes each year,

4.) That the money the participants put into the Independent "Trust Fund" rather than into the General operating fund, and therefore, would Only be used to fund the Social Security Retirement Program, and no other Government program, and

5.) That the annuity payments to the retirees would never be taxed as income.

Since many of us have paid into FICA for years and are now receiving a Social Security check every month -- and then finding that we are getting taxed on 85% of the money we paid to the Federal government to "Put Away" -- you may be interested in the following:

Dwight David Eisenhower
34th. President, Republican,
Term Of Office: January 20, 1953 to January 20, 1961

Insert by Vincent Peter Render,
If I recall correctly, 1958 is the first year that Congress voted to remove funds from Social Security and put it into the General Fund for Congress to spend.

If I recall correctly, it was a democratically Controlled Congress.

From what I understand, Congress logic at that time was that there was so much money in Social Security Fundthat it would never run out / be used up for the purpose it was intended / set aside for.

Lyndon Baines Johnson36th. President, Democrat
Term Of Office: November 22, 1963 to January 20, 1969

Question: Which Political Party took Social Security from the Independent "Trust Fund"and put it into the General Fund so thatCongress could spend it?

Answer: It was Lyndon B. Johnson (Democrat, Term Of Office: November 22, 1963 to January 20, 1969) and the democratically Controlled House and Senate.

Question: Which Political Party eliminated the income tax Deduction for Social Security (FICA) withholding?

Answer: The Democratic Party.

William Jefferson Clinton
(Bill Clinton)
42nd. President
Democrat Term of Office: January 20, 1993 to January 20, 2001
Albert Arnold Gore, Jr.
(Al Gore)
45th. Vice President
Democrat Term of Office: January 20, 1993 to January 20, 2001
Question: Which Political Party started taxing Social Security annuities?

Answer: The Democratic Party, with Albert Arnold Gore, Jr. (Al Gore) [Vice President Term of Office: January 20, 1993 to January 20, 2001] casting the "tie-breaking" deciding vote asPresident of the Senate, while he was Vice President of the US .

James Earl Carter, Jr(Jimmy Carter)
39th. President, Democrat
Term of Office: January 20, 1977 to January 20, 1981
Question: Which Political Party decided to start giving Annuity payments toimmigrants?

AND MY FAVORITE:
Answer: That's right! James Earl Carter, Jr. (Jimmy Carter) (Democrat, Term of Office: January 20, 1977 to January 20, 1981) and theDemocratic Party.

Immigrants moved into this country, and at age 65, began to receive Social Security payments! The Democratic Party gave these payments to them, even though they never paid a dime into it!

Then, after violating the original contract (FICA), the Democrats turn around and tell you that the Republicans want to take your Social Security away!

And the worst part about it is uninformed citizens believe it!

If enough people receive this, maybe a seed of Awareness will be planted and maybe changes will Evolve. Maybe not, some Democrats are awfully Sure of what isn't so.

But it's worth a try. How many people can YOU send this to?

Actions speak louder than bumper stickers.

AND CONGRESS GIVES THEMSELVES 100% RETIREMENT FOR ONLY SERVING ONE TERM!!!

Thomas Jefferson
3rd. President, Democrat

"A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.."

- Thomas Jefferson

It's the simple things in life...

2008-06-16T11:21:00.001-04:00

There is nothing funnier than a forgiener being kicked in the face by a bovine. Unless said bovine is also a master of the ninja arts. God I love ninja cows.

Golf announcers need to take it down a notch

2008-06-16T09:39:00.014-04:00

I like Tiger Woods, I really do but the on-air fawning for the guy over the weekend at the U.S. Open was unbearable. In case you weren't paying attention Tiger had arthroscopic knee surgery two months ago and looked like he was in some pain while playing well enough to force an 18-hole playoff with Rocco Mediate (which will take place today at noon). Unfortunately the NBC announcing crew took exaggeration and hyperbole to a new level, with Johnny Miller declaring that what Tiger was doing was more impressive than what Willis Reed and Kirk Gibson did. Umm, did I miss something here? Are we now saying that golfers are as tough as athletes who play actual sports? Here are the reasons why I think Tiger's knee injury have been blown way, way out of proportion:

-Firstly, Stuart Appleby had a similar procedure at about the same time as Tiger but no one is talking about it.

-Secondly golf is probably the least strenuous sport that receives major coverage in the USA (I'm not counting the racing car pageants). When 80 year-olds can do the same thing as the world's best in a sport (albeit on a much lower level) then that sport isn't that physically demanding. This isn't to take away from the skill and preparation involved with golf just that the strain it puts on one's body is considerably less than every other major sport. (Yes, even baseball and even fat pitchers. Could you imagine if an 80 year-old tried to throw a pitch, I mean really tried to throw one, he'd probably tweak/strain/break every ligament/muscle/bone in his body).

-Thirdly athletes in other sports have arthroscopic knee surgery all the time and get much less time than two months to recover. Here is an excerpt from an article from Suns.com about Amare Stoudemire and his arthroscopic knee surgery: “It was a routine procedure," General Manager Steve Kerr said. "Everything that the doctor expected to see is exactly what he saw. Amaré is coming down Thursday and starting rehab immediately. We expect to see him back on the court in two and a half to three weeks. There is no reason for concern.” TWO AND A HALF TO THREE WEEKS, and that's not just walking and swinging a club, that's running and jumping on a hard wood floor. Now sometimes normal athletes who have their knee scoped take about two months to return but when they do return they have to do things that are much more physically demanding than what Tiger is doing. From an Orlando Sentinel article: "If he does win after coming back from injury, that's an admirable thing," said Randy Roberts, a history professor at Purdue University who specializes in sports history. "But I don't think the injury is such a big deal. There have been some phenomenal comebacks in sports, but almost every football player probably has similar surgery that Tiger is having. They might be out six-to-eight weeks and come back." There, a historian puts it in it's proper context, it's not that big a deal.

-Lastly the major difference between Woods and Reed and Gibson is the way their respective sports are set up. When it's all said and done Tiger will have competed in the U.S. Open for about 30 straight years. That means he got a chance to play for his sports championship 30 times. Reed and Gibson had much, much fewer opportunities to try to win the title. What I'm saying is that it's a lot more difficult to win a championship in a sport where there is a long, grueling season and then playoffs. That's not Tiger's fault, it's just the way that his sport is.

Let me reiterate that I think Tiger is a hell of a golfer who played very, very well while dealing with some pain. However everyone seems to be acting like this is the most impressive thing to ever happen in the history of sport and conveniently forgetting that hockey players take pucks to the face, get stitched up on the bench, and then go back out on the ice. So let's all take it easy with the Tiger is gutting it out hyperbole and just appreciate the golf he is playing.

As a bonus here are some real injury-related anecdotes that make you, me, and Tiger look like 7 year-old girls at a Hello Kitty birthday party by comparison:

-Jack Youngblood, a linebacker for the Rams in the 1970s, played most of the NFC Championship game on a broken leg.

-Ronnie Lott broke his left pinky finger during the 1985 season and instead of opting for surgery that would've made him miss time he had part of his finger amputated. Let me say that again: instead of surgery Lott had part of his finger cut off so he could keep playing.

-Every professional hockey player, ever (except Jaromir Jagr). These guys are as badass as they come, they don't take crap from anyone, even fans:

-Chuck Bednarik, a two-way player for the Eagles in the 1950s and1960s, broke his ankle in the first half of the second to last game of the 1956 season. Instead of going to the trainer/doctor, Bednarik went to the equipment manager who rigged him a splint made of old shoulder pads and duct tape. Bednarik wore the contraption for the rest of the game and next two weeks without ever telling anyone with medical training about his injury until the season was over. By the way, the Eagles were something like 3-8 at the time of the injury and had no shot at the playoffs. When he finally had doctors look at his ankle it turns out it was a compound fracture and had gotten very badly infected. Now that is one badass motherfucker.

Americo is now American

2008-06-12T09:36:00.005-04:00

As a life-long citizen of America I would like to welcome one of our newest members, David Americo Ortiz. Yesterday Big Papi became a U.S. Citizen at a ceremony in Boston. Leave it to Papi to be on the DL but still find a way to make big things happen. Congratulations to you, Mr. Ortiz (and to the 226 other immigrants who gained citizenship at the ceremony yesterday).

Ortiz is now part of the country that claims George Washington, the Wright Brothers, Jesse Owens, Audie Murphy, Martin Luther King Jr., and Manny Ramirez as some of her favorite sons.

Autoball: Great Sport or Greatest Sport?

2008-06-10T09:31:00.005-04:00

I stumbled across this video at The Beautiful Game (which credits The Offsides Rule for finding it) and I must say that Autoball is bizarrely addictive. It's kinda like soccer crossed with demolition derby. Check out the final between Ze Germans and the Irish.

My only complaint is that I don't think the drivers are drunk enough but besides that I think this sport has a lot of potential. I don't think it could be an every year sport but it definitely could be an Olympic event considering that figure skating and what not are there. Tell me you wouldn't root your ass off for USA. Also, I'm pretty sure Ted would be on our Olympic team...if he could fit in one of those clown cars.

Beat LA!

2008-06-09T16:25:00.003-04:00

I'm back from the coast and figured I should put something up so people don't think this site is defunct. Just to make it clear we're not defunct, just very, very lazy. That's all.

2 wins down, 2 to go.

Behold, the Sea itself!

2008-05-28T16:26:00.005-04:00

I'm heading for the coast for the next week and a half so looks like Ted is going to be flying solo. In honor of my impending trip here is some very, very, very bad original poetry.

"Keel-hauling Man"

I've seen the Sea and ogled the Ocean
But never once did I think
That I would have such emotion
From witnessing the mighty Drink

I can't tie a line, nor Harpoon a Whale
Poop a deck, nor raise a sail
But I know in the heart of my heart
The Ocean and I can never part

It was given to us by God above
Violent as the hawk, but gentle as the dove
It has encompassed minds in a disturbing way
Alas! Much of that is lost today

I say revive the Glory Days of the Sea
And if it were up to you and me
Any one speaking of Ocean's future grim
We'd just take him out and keel-haul him

I can't leave you with that garbage here is Led Zeppelin's "The Ocean"

Putting Spygate to Rest

2008-05-22T13:45:00.008-04:00

I haven't addressed Spygate directly since my first post ever on my old blog. (Hell, the controversy was so new at that point that a proper name for it hadn't even been agreed upon) I don't think any events really warranted it because any logical person would realize that videotaping opponents signals crosses an arbitrary line in signal stealing. A stenographer could watch the opposing coach and describe, through writing, what they were seeing, then, if they really wanted to, could make a video of themselves recreating those exact signals. Yeah, it'd be a bit more work, but not much. That is not to say I don't understand the hate that comes the Patriots' way. If it were the New York Jets who got caught breaking the rules then I would be hollering about it too. It's sports you don't need to be logical about it; you can hate anyone for anything and that's fine, again, it's sports. Anyway the reason I'm bringing this up again is because I just came across a piece about the tapes Walsh handed over that was pretty much buried and never mentioned by any sports writer or pundit. Here is the link. If you're too lazy for that here is the pertinent excerpt (emphasis mine):

We don't know for sure whether more tapes ever existed in New England, or how these tapes were broken down and used. But after reviewing the material released by the league, this much is clear: We saw nothing in that video that would allow us as a scouting department to provide a team with an unfair advantage over an opponent.

Yes, preparation time was reduced and film study was streamlined, but not in a way that single-handedly turned the Patriots into one of the premier teams in the league. In the end, the Patriots' success comes down to having better players who make full use of the information provided to them.

So you know this isn't a bunch of yahoos this article was written by Scouts, Inc. A group comprised of mostly former scouts who scout games and player for ESPN so these guys know what they are talking about. Anyway, this closes the book on Spygate for me. When actual scouts say that the "cheating" merely streamlined the scouting process and didn't give a team an unfair advantage then I don't really need to here anything else. Oh, and if you try to play the "it doesn't matter if they got an advantage, they broke the rules" card with me then you clearly have no idea what I'm about (look at my list in the right hand sidebar).

First Annual UEFA Final Running Diary

2008-05-22T09:59:00.017-04:00

I decided to keep a running diary of today's UEFA Champions League Final. Why? I'm not exactly sure. It was my first foray into the running type of entry and it had its ups and downs (I really lost steam in the second half). Anyway there are a couple good jokes in there and a lot of not so good ones. Get comfortable this is pretty freakin' long. Enjoy. (Also, don't expect my usual flawless grammar, spelling, and punctuation, my apologies).

This pre-game ceremony is pretty amazing, we got dancers, golden domes of some sort, confetti, and mysterious figures in capes. Unfortunately all this pomp is probably going to mean 100,000 Russians will have no food for the next 6 weeks.

Why do little kids come out with the teams. I know it's probably a great thrill for the little 'uns but it's still kinda creepy. What would happen if the NBA did this. I bet KG would be so fired up he'd punch some 6-year-old girl in the face.

Cristiano Ronaldo, rocking the greasy mullet, FAAANNNTASTIC.

Man U's manager is SIR Alex Ferguson. What a fucking loser. I hate nobility

Lubos Michele is your referee and he has a Madonna-esque microphone.

And we’re off…

Wing passes to center, back to wing, back to center, center HOLDS IT, HOLDS IT, HOOOOLDS IT! (sorry couldn't resist).

I should probably mention I'm watching this thing with no sound so all I hear is the clicking of the keyboard, the fat guy in the next office coughing, and C. Ronaldo yelping from 3,000 miles away as he tries to draw a foul.

Not a fan of the lowercase NOB's (name on back) that Cheleas has but their still better than the collar-less Man U kits, totally rec league.

We're three minutes into this thing and not a lot has happened. No real opportunityrtunities for either side. Wait a tic. Nope, nothing just gas. Chelsea has several crosses but their cleared away.

It's just mind blowing to me how far these guys kick the ball.

I fucking hate Wayne Rooney with every fiber of my being. What a typical English prick. Although he does look like a street tough from the 1930s. They don't make people like that no more.

Chelsea's goalie is the guy who wears a rugby helmet (Cech or something), makes him look like a retard.

Our first save of the day. A deflected 20 yarder from the wing. An easy one for Morris the Safety Tortoise (Chelsea's keeper).

Offsides on Chelsea, garbage.

Drogba just got ripped across the face by a Man U defender. Blood on his tongue.

Uh-oh, Man U cross.... cleared away

At the 8-minute mark it’s been a fairly even match thus far. I'd give the slight edge to Man U on posession but a big edge to Chelsea in the lack of faggotry department.

Seriously Morris the Safety Tortoise just sent a goal kick like 80 fucking yards. That is amazing, more impressive than a baseball throw or anything.

One major difference between soccer and most US sports is the necessity to go back to get forward. Actually, no wait, it isn't. I'm retarded.

Lubos reminds us that it is illegal to tug another player’s jersey.

Greasy mullet passes to thug face, back to mullet, Mullet HOLDS IT HOLDS IT HOOOLDSS IT!

A Chelsea striker (Malouda) tries to draw a PK but to no avail.

Man U's goalie looks like a lesbian.

Lots of fancy footwork for Cristiano Ronaldo, all for not as he gently taps it back to another player, 5 yards away.

Same ole same ole at the 13 minute mark.

A Chelsea player is changing his boots on the sideline (YEAH DUDE!)

Lubos runs like a girl. big surprise.

Haven't seen much from Michael Ballack, Ze German. Wait ,there he is. Do you think that he was weary to be dragged so far into the heart of Russia, with unprotected supply lines. Too soon?

Ronaldo just faked the crap out of a Chelsea defender and deliver a cross that was just a tad high. Another Man U player, on the field, claps at his effort. Don't see that much in the USA

Lubos picks up the ball for some reason, sorry I blacked out there for a minute or two.

Corner for Man U at the 18.24 mark. Big opportunity.

here it is, too far out, and it is cleared into touch by Chelsea.

C. Ronaldo gets mugged on the sideline and he has a shit-eating grin on his face. Looks exactly like Tony Montana's friend in Scarface. It's kinda creepy

A poor free kick that is cleared

Uh-oh. A head to head collission around midfield. Wait, not at all. Chelsea player and Paul
Scholes went up for the ball and Scholes gave him a fore arm to the back of the head. Then on the way down his face hit Chelsea player’s boot and he is bloody. Rooney tries to start shit with the entire Chelsea team but backs off like a little bitch. Scholes is booked, rightfully so. He's being attended to on the side lines.

On a long cross in a Man U defender, unnecessarily heads it out on the end line, dangerous, the keeper had a clear path to the ball

The corner is 6 inches too high and Chelsea striker barely gets a head on it.

Still in awe of how far they kick it.

Scholes is back, fag.

More fancy footwork from Greasy Mullet Ronaldo but the 1-2 pass is too far ahead of him and he goes out into touch.

A Man U player starts warming up on the sidelines. He's wearing black warm ups yet he still puts on a green pinny. I don't think there was any chance he would be confused as a player without the pinny.

Opportunity for man U, Chelsea hits it OB. here's the throw in the corner.

A CROSS AND A SCORE!!! Morris the Safety Tortoise didn't even react. That was really weird. 25 Minutes.

It was Ronaldo with the goal. A perfect cross from Man U player to Ronaldo on the far post and perfect header right on the post. Morris the Safety Tortoise reacted but didn't dive. At first i thought it was offsides or something. No announcers is tough

Michael Ballack looks like a Whalberg. Seriously I’m expecting to get into Rooney’s face and say (with a German accent, of course), “Blow me, all right? But not literally, though. Unfortunately, there's no promotion involved for you.”

That goal puts Ronaldo third in on the single season goal list for Man U, with 42.

That goal was pretty freaking flawless.

Ronaldo doing his ball dance thingy. A CROSS to Ronaldo heads it back center but cleared out by the defense.

TODAY'S GAME IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY SONY.

Drogba is taking a seat, holding his back. He got a bit of a shove in it but doesn't look too bad. he seems to be indicating that he got a knee in th back. The spray is ineffective. Someone really has to investigate that spray thing, what the hell could it be.

there is a booking for Makelele for Chelsea. whoops missed that one.

Possession is 65-35 for Man U, seems about right. Dirk Diggler better get his ass in gear, his giant schwanz won't score any goals for him.

A cross and a header back to Ballack in front of the goal but punched away by Lesbian Keeper.

The corner... is cleared, back in, fucking Rooney, steals it and sends it about 70 yards, cross fields to Ronaldo who sends it to a streaking Man U player, header is saved and cleared very poorly by the defense, a clean shot from the 18 is saved. He is pissed at his defender. Watching him yell with his little helmet on was one the funnies things ever.

Replays show that on Ballack’s chance he didn't head the ball but instead put his forearm on the back of the defenders neck and forced HIM to head the ball. You don't want to fuck around with ZE GERMANS. Seriously that was pretty impressive

GRADE A flop from Cristiano Ronaldo.

They have completed passes and pass accuracy statistics in soccer? I don't think stats really mean anything in a game as free flowing and open as soccer.

A decent opportunity for Chelsea, but well defended and sent backwards, brought back in then eventually cleared.

At the 40 minute mark both teams have had their chances

A Chelsea striker losses his footing outside the 18 and tries to draw a call but to no avail. this Lobos guy is one tough cookie.

HAHAHAHA about 40 yards from the endline a Chelsea player trips over the ball, he wobbled and almost kept his balance but then he went down faster than British naval supremacy in the 20th century. beautiful game my ass.

A beautiful opportunity for Man U a low cross gets by the defender but the striker just whiffs like Pedro Cerrano on a breaking ball

Man U defender and capt. Rio Ferdinand is booked for throwing an elbow. A free kick right outside the 18 for Chelsea (espn tells us 21 meters from goal)

Three players line up behind the ball, and ballack( kicks it clean over everything). I bet at halftime he has this exchange with the manager:

Manager: You suck at free kicks.

Ballack: You don't know what I can do! You don't know what I can do, what I'm gonna do, or what I'm gonna be! I'm good! I have good things and you don't know about! I'm gonna be something! I am! And don't fucking tell me I'm not!

GOOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLLL Chelsea, a through ball is deflected and the keeper gets caught in no mans land, stumbles and can't recover, as Lampard puts it in the back of the net at the 45 minute mark

All started on a bad clearance that was saved by
Chelsea, then through ball, controlled by Chelsea, goalie stumbles, Lampard scores.

SNIPER, RONALDO JUST GOT SHOT. He's writing in agony. Back and to the left back and to the left.

Actually that does look painful a slide tackle comes in a little late and catches him square in the side of the shin, catching his ankle on the ground. The offending player is booked.

HALF TIME

And we're back. The Chelsea manager gives Lobos a piece of his mind as they come onto the field.

Dave Roberts is calling the game. Nice of him to take time off from rehabbing for the Giants to fly halfway around the world to call the game. love that guy.

A shameless flop by Paul Scholes, I think he was upset that he didn't get to elbow anyone in the back of the head.

A long Man U cross is cleared out.

A stern picture of some suits watching the game. I think it’s live but it looks like a still photograph, they're all frowning. What’s their problem

Not a whole lot to report at the 50 minute mark. Ronaldo looks as greasy and floppy as ever.

A tackle from behind by Chelsea gives Man U a free kick

AN EGGREEEGIOUS FLOP by Ronaldo, I think Mark e. Mark is going to choke slam this guy.

These benches the guys get to sit on look amazing, their all like captain’s chairs and what not.
Star Date SG12…

An opportunity for Chelsea, shot is blocked then kicked out by Man U

Terrible, terrible call by the linesman giving man u a goal kick. It was very clear that the Man U player kicked it out, and the guy was like 2 feet away from it.

30 seconds later the linesman calls offsides on Chelsea, its pretty clear who he has money on.

A dangerous cross in front of the Chelsea net but too high for anyone

Thug Rooney yells at his teammate for not sending it in on the ground. What a dick

Chelsea on the break (2 on 3), pulls up, open shot and clear over the goal. He leaned back

A corner for Chelsea, a defender headed it out in front of his own net ( plays like this happen a lot but it seems pretty dangerous to me; I think a couple weeks ago a guy put one in his own net in a big game)

Chelsea heads the corner into the goal, if the goal was 60 yards high.

Mark E. Ballack with an opportunity from 28 yards, rips it wide. Man U is leading 3 to 1 in shots on target, now that's a good stat

Man U player goes down after he tried to mug a Chelsea player, then he has the audacity to get up in the guys face once he finally gets up

A corner for Chelsea is cleared away

What a flop by Ronaldo, went down like a sack of potatoes

1-2 break for Man U, fails to materialize

Brilliant through ball is misplayed on the end line by Chelsea, missed opportunity.

Lobos feels bad for Ronaldo and finally buys one of the flops.

32 for Man U tries to start shit with Mark E. Mark, I wouldn't mess with him.

Clear handball by Man U goes uncalled.

HAHAHAHA, a hard pass hits a Chelsea player square in
the foot and he goes down, good times. (Hanging in a chow line; the most disputed of all the Good Times lyrics).

Man U throws drogba down, cheating ref actually makes the correct call.

The free kick is biked away by Man U.

This one guy for man u has a wispy moustache that Adam Morrison would be proud of.

Chelsea with a shot about 25 yards out, deflected by man u for a corner.

Hopefully something will happen this time and..... no dice, headed OB by Chelsea.

Here we go a break leads to yet another Chelsea corner, I don't know what it is but Chelsea is
really putting the pressure on.

But the corner is cleared out harmlessly, surprise

A dangerous pass inside the box is cleared away by Man U and as Chelsea gets ready to reload, defender Rio Ferdinand decides to just sit down.

Rooney and some other Man U guy get into an argument.

Dropkick sent to Chelsea

There's Ferdinand running! You mean he's not dead? wow

Possession outside of Chelsea’s 18 results in a corner kick.

A Chelsea player is down

Holy shit the replay shows that thug 32 just fucking tackle the guy while pulling on his face. Wow that was blatant.

Here comes the meat wagon, wowowowowwow, OH MY GOD.

He's alive, much to the surprise of the stretcher bearers who have never actually ever had to do anything other than scare player’s mothers into thinking their child is dead.

The corner is high, the goalie comes out to get it, misses but Man U hits it out (I think)

Down the other end, a cross misses its target because he fell down

Another man u corner is too high and results in nothing.

Fuck you Wayne Rooney, sorry I lost control there

More flopping.

At the 75 minute mark we've seen a fair amount of chances, a lot of failed corners, several apparent deaths that turned out to be nothing.

They track distances on players now? Joe Cole for Chelsea has run 9310 meters, that's a lot

Chelsea tries to draw a penalty and... it looks like the player has an argument, ferdinand stepped on his foot, although it looked unintentional.

Joe Cole gets popped in the face by a Man U guy. Here's an opportunity for Chelsea and Drogba hits the far post from 25 yards a ways it was perfect, curling in, just out of the lesbian's reach but it was just inches wide

Unlucky, as they say.

Wow , Mark E. Mark is disappointing me with that flop, he ran full speed into 32 and went down like a Spandau prison bitch on Hermann Goering. (What?)

An opportunity for Chelsea, Drogba receives a low cross but fails to put it on net.

With 10 minutes remaining in regulation (do they use that term in soccer?) it seems like a good time to point out that I have no idea what the rules are for extra time. Is it golden goal? Silver goal? Shameful bronze goal? Aggregate or something? So many questions

Man U rips a shot high

An opportunity for Chelsea with a throw in the corner, and it's thrown a way but cleared to
Chelsea, Ballack misses a one timer badly, that was very poor

Free kick for Chelsea about 25 yards up the sideline, right side. Big, big play here

A pass to the short man who totally fucks it up and kicks it to Archangel.

4 minutes in regulation, somebody better get a move on quick because I don't have all day here, I leave at five, game over or not.

Joe Cole with a cross but Drogba can't put it on target....again

A late sub for man u, Ryan Giggs is coming in for Scholes. I say doesn't he run like a Welshman, I said doesn't he run like a Welshman. Well he should, he's Welsh

Morris the Safety Tortoise almost misjudges a cross but holds on.

Two 15-minute periods, no golden goal, then penalty kicks. So that's my answer

Joe Cole with an opportunity in the box but the cheating ref calls it out on him. Another bad call.

2 minutes of stoppage time.

I still can't get over those benches, they look amazingly comfortable.

Might be last chance for Man U in regulation. Throw in the corner

Ronaldo doing his dance but his cross finds no one

And we're done with regulation.

Ronaldo seriously looks like he's about to cry. Must be because the extra time is going to run in on his time with a Russian tranny.

They have this commercial where it shows a bunch of 20 something hipsters watching the game in a swanky apartment and they pass their Heniken keg can around on a skateboard. I don't know what they are saying but I bet it's something gay. If I'm ever in a situation like that, please shoot me.

OVERTIME-1

Let me start by saying I'm probably not going to be able to stick around for the rest of the game because quitting time is at 5:00

A sub for Chelsea

Ronaldo down the side line, falls, looks around for a call, realizes he isn't going to get one then
hangs his head and runs back.

A chance off the cross bar for Chelsea, a great pass then a little flick to the far post from about 15 feet away hits the crossbar, literally 2 inches from a goal.

Ronaldo with the cross, to no one

The Welshman is bitching about something, looks important.

OK we'll I need to sign off I'll just recap the rest of the game, I guess. sorry.

Another appearance for the stretcher guys (that's 3 thus far)

Some shirtless old guys in the stands.

RECAP

Wow, did I ever miss some important shit. Here’s a brief rundown: Drogba kinda slapped a guy in the second OT (video below) and got sent off so Chelsea was playing a man down. Regardless, they forced penalty kicks. Ronaldo is the only one who misses and it is down to Chelsea’s John Terry to make it (this is where Drogba would usually be kicking). He loses his footing and the ball grazes the outside of the post. Then it’s make, make and then Man U makes but Chelsea misses and the UEFA Champions League Championship (weird?) goes to Manchester United with the final score being 1-1 (6-5 on penalty kicks). Damn, that was a pretty dramatic ending, good thing I’m not a real Chelsea fan otherwise I’d probably shoot myself, that was brutal.

Let’s make this running diary of the UEFA final an annual tradition (I swear it'll be better at it next year). Same bad time, same bad channel.

Here's the video of the Drogba slap:

I bet when you play like that you get a free bowl of soup

2008-05-21T08:52:00.008-04:00

Let me start this post out by saying I would never compare Rodney Dangerfield to Derek Jeter. One is a consummate pro who turns out hit after hit after hit and is one of the greatest of all-time. The other is an error-prone, overrated shortstop for the Yankees. Last night a Jeter error led to seven (7!) unearned runs in the top of the first and in the bottom half of the inning he grounded into a double play. Obviously, the next time up, when he got hit by a pitch on the hand, the tough, gritty Yankee captain, pulled an Al Czervik in Caddyshack, "Ow! My hand. I think it's broken," forcing his way out of the game and sparing him any further humiliation. And much to everyone's surprise x-rays were negative. What a pussy. I'm surprised he didn't "injure" himself by making a routine catch on a pop up behind third base, then, for some reason, take eight extra steps and dive into the stands unnecessarily.

Talking 'bout My Generation

2008-05-16T16:10:00.006-04:00

And he's proud of his scars and the battles he's lost,
And he struggles and bleeds as he hangs on the cross-
And he likes to be known as the angry young man.

-Billy Joel

So the other day I saw that some dumbass professor from Emory decided to take time off from sewing leather patches onto the elbows of his tweed jacket to pen the delightfully named, "The Dumbest Generation: How the Digital Age Stupefies Young Americans and Jeopardizes Our Future (Or, Don't Trust Anyone Under 30)." This clown's name is Mark Bauerlein and I have a couple words for him (let's wait a second while he positions his ear horn): FUCK OFF, gramps. Seriously, you're questioning our generations intelligence? That's about the most irresponsible thing of which I can think. (Surprised I didn't sentence in a preposition, pal? Yeah, I'm a fucking genius like you). I'm not sure how you could responsibly gauge the intelligence of tens of millions of people before many have fully grown and matured. I do agree there are a lot of dumbasses in the current generation and rather than defend them I'm going to rip on previous generations and show that every generation is pretty damn dumb.

Born around 1900:
These were the geniuses who started prohibition. This alone should warrant them being the dumbest generation. "Hey, I have a great idea? Let's get rid of the thing that makes people happy after working in coal mines for 16 hours a day, 6 days a week?" "Yeah, that'd be a great idea, imagine what we'll be able to accomplish when everyone is sober all the time." Unfortunately for these sepia-toned idiots the only thing they created was the single largest financial crisis in world history. On top of that these old-timey bicycle riding flappers couldn't even cure polio. What a bunch of retards. Silent movies suck.

Born around 1925:
This generation was pretty sweet, I'm not going to lie but their kids suck and so does Sinatra (yeah, I fucking said it).

Born around 1950:
The baby-boomers: "I have an idea let's start out sweet and make awesome music, hang out, and have a good time but then sell out faster than George Carlin in a phone ad. We'll do a ton of blow then act like greedy corporate assholes and look down our noses at younger people, completely ignoring (and invalidating) the minor, minor things we accomplished when we were cool. Oh yeah, lets listen to music only produced on synthesizers and wear clothing that would make a retarded clown blush. But that's not enough, let's steal all the Social Security, ruin the economy, mire our children in the same exact type of war we protested about 35 years ago. Then let's send that Bauerlein guy out to right a book blasting our kids so we can feel great about all the social change we didn't affect 40 years ago." This generation is the most hypocritical, illogical, pompous, self-important, and out of touch group probably ever to grace this planet. Oh and thanks for Michael McDonald, assholes.

So in summation, the Bauerlein fucktard wrote an inflammatory book because he was probably rejected for tenure at his University and decided to rail on something that he knows nothing about. I hope he gets hit by a fucking bus. No wait, that's too old school. I hope he gets hit by a hover car. Yeah, a hover car, that'll show him.

Hes noble enough to win the world,
But weak enough to lose it
-Rush

Best of Manny Being Manny

2008-05-16T09:21:00.002-04:00

Here's a highlight reel of the best of Manny's hijinks.

Does it get any better than that? I say, it does not.

Manny Being Awesome

2008-05-15T09:49:00.004-04:00

This is why I love Manny. The guy is just out there having a good time. Once he's at the plate he's all business but in the field? That's where Manny goes to relax. I say, "Frig off," to anyone who thinks this play is anything other than awesome.

You can't really see it on this video but that was a great throw to the cutoff man. Manny, fundamentally sound.

Break Up the Rays!

2008-05-14T10:30:00.007-04:00

There has been a lot of talk recently about the first-place Tampa Bay (Devil) Rays, and with good reason. It is a young, exciting team with some excellent pitchers and everyday players. There has been a lot of speculation about this team's chances of contending for a playoff spot this season and as much as I don't hate the Rays I'm not a believer in them this year. To quote Wolf from Pulp Fiction, "Well, let's not start sucking each other's [Popsicles] quite yet."

I examined the last eight teams to reach the AL playoffs (so the 2006 and 2007 fields) and looked at six important stats: Runs scored/game, team OPS, runs allowed/game, starter's ERA, bullpen ERA, and K/BB. Here is what I came up with:

The best for each category is highlighted in green, while the worst is in orange.

As you can see the Rays have by far the worst offense of the nine teams that I examined and a very poor K/BB ratio. This is usually a good indicator of how effective a pitching staff really is, although it's not the only one. Only the 2007 Yankees were worse in this department but they were also the most prolific offensive team that I looked at. However in terms of ERA and runs allowed Tampa Bay is one of best team of the nine. While I believe their starters will continue to be exceptional (the addition of Scott Kazmir will balance out the non-James Shields starters regression) I don't think that the bullpen will keep it up. The main culprits in the area are Dan Wheeler and Troy Percival. Wheeler has a career 3.96 ERA and 1.29 WHIP, not bad numbers for a journeyman reliever but in 2008 he's throwing like he's Dennis Eckersley, posting a 1.29 ERA and 0.81 WHIP while leading the club in appearances (18). It's hard for me to believe that this 30-year-old Warwick, RI native will continue to be lights out. As far as Percival goes, he's been outstanding, having only given up 4 runs all year (and 3 of those came in one game). He has a 2.40 ERA and 0.60 WHIP. The ERA isn't far off his career clip of 3.01 but this is hardly the All-Star Troy Percival of the early 2000's. I think he'll have a solid, solid year but I don't see him being an elite closer.

Regardless of what their bullpen might do, I think their main weakness is their offense. They have a couple quality bats in Carl Crawford, Carlos Pena, and BJ Upton but Evan Longoria is just a rookie and can't be expected to carry any serious load. Also, count me among those who think Erik Hinske will fall back to earth. This team is going to have a problem scoring runs and I just can't see them sticking around for the long haul.

Anyway I wish the Rays the best, I really do. I think 80-85 wins is a definite possibility but there is a lot of baseball to be played and there are a lot of quality teams that will give the Rays problems down the stretch. I expect Tampa Bay to regress a fair amount.

I just wanted to give a bit of perspective to the debate.

Oh, and they have some really lame uniforms. Seriously, they have the same logo on their home and road jerseys.

Twelve. Twelve Mile. Twelve Mile Commute!

2008-05-13T14:42:00.005-04:00

All that I want to do is get to work in a reasonable amount of time. That's it. Why is that so hard? Oh let me count the ways. The goddamn roads in NoVa are so over congested with Don Juan De Donthaveavisa and retarded bleach blond soccer moms that it takes me 45-60 minutes to travel 12 miles. Why? Because they are dirty, rotten perpetual brake tappers. Oh, is that a shiny rock? Tap the brakes. Is that dwarf riding a unicycle? Tap the breaks. Is that Osama bin Laden have crazy monkey sex with a manic-depressive flying squirrel? Tap the brakes.
Here is where it gets bad. What is the scariest thing that a brainless, tongue chewing braketapper can see? SOMEONE TAPPING THE BRAKES!!!! Holy freakin shit. Is that person tapping the brakes?!?! "I better come to a complete and total stop, during rush-hour, in the left lane, 1000 yards away from the other scary braketapper. And while I'm at it, why don't I end womens suffrage, slap a baby, push a cripple out of his powerchair, beat my wife, yell at an old lady, kill Jesus, rape the Easter bunny and pee in the hot tub?"
And don't even get me started on the smarmy Asian drivers. Holy hot Christ. My deepest fear in life, my definition of hell, my contrapasso is an 80 year old Asian lady driving an SUV in the rain, at night, while eating, putting on make up, yelling at her 40 grand kids, and talking on the phone. Screw being burned alive, that shit is scary as a mofo.

*Note to any who was offended by this: Get off the fucking road and kill yourself, I need to get to the office. Thanks! =)

USC Denies Receiving Money from Athletic Programs

2008-05-13T09:05:00.007-04:00

As the University of Southern California piled up bowl wins and NCAA tournament appearances over the past decade the money in its coffers may have also been piling up.

A source close to the USC athletic department has provided a paper trail that indicates that the Trojans may have received hundreds of millions in cash, donations and ticket sales as a result of its football and basketball programs' success. The University's president, Steven B. Sample, adamantly denies these allegations.

"I don't know anything about it. It caught me by surprise. I've got to get to L.A. to see what's going on. I'm just focusing on the [professor] draft," said Sample.

The source has indicated that University charges admission, sometimes in excess of $100, for their home football and basketball games. These sales bring in upwards of $26.75 million each year, which goes directly into the school's deep pockets, claims the source. That figure does not include money given to the program from boosters or the free publicity that the school receives from its athletic teams' success.

Football coach Pete Carroll personally received $2.5 million annually from the school, according to the source.

"I would just like to know if I did [get money], where did the money go? I am a greedy football coach like everyone else. Anyone who saw me try to coach the New England Patriots would know that I could never manage anything that valuable."

Despite the red-faced stammering of Carroll and basketball coach Tim Floyd the allegations have not disappeared. The NCAA, which prides itself on protecting the amatuerism of athletics, has vowed to look in to the matter.

"The fact that a University may have received monies as a result of their athletic programs is simply an affront to the NCAA and athletics in general. Furthering the matter is that these athletes were never compensated in any meaningful way while the athletic director, coaches and administrators grew fat on the deeds of these fine young men and women. We will not stand for this," proclaimed Myles Brand, the NCAA's completely non-hypocritcal president.

Brand closed his remarks by adding that Division I-A (Bowl Championship Series Division Place Thingy, whatever) football will add a playoff system next year because it was "about freakin' time."

You can't make this shit up.

2008-05-01T16:08:00.003-04:00

I was trying to think of a funny post. I thought that making a fake news page would be really funny, so I went to FoxNews.com to find some things to parody. Turns out that real news is funnier than fake news:

Airman Forgets to Lower Wheels, Crashes $136M Jet
Sobbing Parents to Kidnappers: Please Return Our Son

Babies Tossed Off 50-Foot Tower for Luck VIDEO
Adopted Man Finds Biological Father on Death Row

Voodoo Rapist Scared Teen Girls Into Sexual 'Rituals'
Teen Under Covers Texts Mom: 'They're in the House!'
Yaaaarrrr! Shipwreck Loaded With Treasure Found

Docs Hope to Fix Girl's 'Upside-Down Feet' PHOTOS
Woman, Not Dead, Gets Phone Call About Her Funeral
'Magic Pixie Dust' Regrows Man's Finger VIDEO

UPDATE#1: Champions of Breakfast

2008-04-23T11:58:00.033-04:00

UPDATED W/ ROTATION (11:30, 4/24)

I'm not exactly sure why I'm doing this but I decided to assemble a baseball roster full of the best talent breakfast cereal characters had to offer and then write up a scouting report on them. Don't ask questions, just enjoy the ride:

Lineup

1. Trix Rabbit (Trix) -SS- 6-4, 195 S/R (Bats/Throws)
MLB Analogue: Jose Reyes

Trix Rabbit is everything you want in a shortstop/leadoff man. He's got excellent speed, a plus glove, and even a bit of pop in his bat. His maturation into an elite player is a testament to his perseverance. He had a seriously deprived childhood and was taunted mercilessly by ruthless neighborhood children who didn't know the meaning of sharing. Trix was able to convert his insatiable hunger for the cereal bearing his name into a positive force pushing him towards a championship.

2. Coco the Monkey (Coco Crispies) -LF- 6-0, 170 S/R
MLB Analogue: Coco Crisp (obviously)

An elite defender with very good speed Coco has proven himself very useful to the club over the years. His bat is slipping a bit but he's still able to get the job done in the 2-hole. His success is even more remarkable considering his life long battle with diabetes, which he has had ever since he ate two bowls of Coco Crispies AND drank all the milk in a 24-hour span.

3. Tony the Tiger (Frosted Flakes) -1B- 6-4, 235 R/R
MLB Analogue: Derrek Lee

Perhaps the best conditioned athlete in the entire league, Tony is a true force in the middle of the lineup having averaged .337/32/115 each of the past four seasons. He is a leader in the clubhouse but is affected heavily by S.A.D. (Season Affective Disorder). When it rains Tony's personality and hitting prowress go limp within minutes of being introduced to liquid.

4. Michael Jordan (Wheaties) -CF- 6-6, 205 R/R
MLB Analogue: Michael Jordan

Jordan is unquestionably the best player in baseball having won the MVP and a gold glove for five consecutive seasons. Yeah he only hit .202 with 3 HR in his year in the minors but he's Michael freakin' Jordan, he can do anything he wants. And its not like the rest of this article is based in reality.

5. Fraken Berry (Frankenberry) -DH- 6-5, 260 L/R
MLB Analogue: Frank Thomas

A prototypical DH, Franken Berry moves at a glacial pace but that doesn't much matter when all he has to do is trot around the bases. He's averaged 45 HR over the past 6 seasons and doesn't show any signs of slowing down. He can be a minor distraction in the clubhouse around Mother's Day each year when he and the commissioner's office inevitably feud about his refusal to regal himself in pink wristbands. In his defense, Franken Berry is already completely pink.

6. Sugar Bear (Sugar (Golden) Crisp) -3B- 6-1, 190 R/R
MLB Analogue: Pedro Feliz

A solid, no-frills player, Sugar Bear has played in all but three of the club's games over the past five seasons. A competent gloveman and a solid bat Sugar Bear doesn't put butts in the seats but he is an integral part of the team.

7. Cookie Crisp Crook (Cookie Crisp) -RF- 6-4, 205 L/L
MLB Analogue: Josh Hamilton

After battling legal problems for years the supremely talented Crook is finally with the big club. He is a major question mark heading into the season but if he can overcome his serious cookie addiction he could put this team over the top. Also, management must keep their eye on his long standing feud with backup outfielder Officer Krum.

8. Cap'n Crunch (Cap'n Crunch) -C- 6-2, 210 S/R
MLB Analogue: Jason Varitek

The Cap'n is the captain of the squad and for good reason, he has navigated the club through a number of shaky seasons while preventing them from succumbing to sogginess, which has prevented many talented clubs from becoming the Champions of the Breakfast Table. Cap'n is getting up there in age but he is as essential to the team as anyone.

9. Toucan Sam (Froot Loops) -2B- 5-8, 180 R/R
MLB Analogue: Ronnie Belliard

Sam isn't the most talented player in the field or at the plate (he was just .265/12/59 last year) but he is the one who keeps everybody smiling in the clubhouse with his practical jokes, off-color humor, and multi-colored beak. He also adds some much needed fruitiness (the good kind) to the lineup.

Rotation

#1. Count Chocula (Count Chocula) -LHP- 6-10, 225 (R/L)
MLB Analogue: Randy Johnson

A true number one starter the Count has led the league in strikeouts every year since he was discovered by a scout while playing semi-pro ball in Central Romania sometime in the 15th century. He has a two strikeout pitches, his plus plus fastball and nearly unhittable slider. The only knock on the Count are his day/night splits. (HI-O!)

#2. Lucky (Lucky Charms) -RHP- 6-0, 185 (R/R)
MLB Analogue: Daisuke Matsuzaka

Lucky doesn't throw that hard (his fastball tops out at 92) but he more than makes up for it with his wide variety of pitches, including the Heart Heater (2-seam), Horseshoe Curve, Blue Moon Slider, Clover Change, and his patented Red Baloon Eephus pitch. Lucky's career was seriously derailed several years ago when he was committed to an asylum because of his dangerous bouts with paranoia.

#3. Cornelius (Corn Flakes) -LHP- 6-9, 230 (L/L)
MLB Analogue: Mark Hendrickson

An aging, lefty thumber Cornelius never lived up to the expectations he made for himself when he burst onto the scene with a remarkable rookie season (19-7, 2.61 ERA, 287 K). He has seen the game pass him by but to his credit he has been a reliable, if not spectacular, pitcher, having topped the 200 IP mark all but once in his career. In the clubhouse Cornelius is very quiet and, like 1B Tony the Tiger, is afflicted with S.A.D.

#4. Fred Flintstone (Fruity/Cocoa Pebbles) -RHP- 6-2, 225 (R/R)
MLB Analogue: Livan Hernandez

The definition of an innings eater Flintstone has had to struggle for every out. After being discovered playing for Mr. Slate's team in the Rock Pile Softball League he became one of the leagues oldest rookies when he debuted at the tender age of 28. He won't wow anyone and is relegated to the bullpen come playoff time but is nevertheless an essential part of the squad.

#5. Honey Nut Bee (Honey Nut Cheerios) -RHP- 5-10, 160 (R/R)
MLB Analogue: Greg Maddux

Honey Nut Bee never had electric stuff but has survived in the league thanks to guile and a rubber arm that allows him to be spot started on short rest, eat innings in blowouts, and contribute if a game goes to extras. Despite his commitment to the team, he is mercilessly harassed in the clubhouse because he's one of the most annoying players in the game.

There's always next year...

2008-04-23T11:47:00.003-04:00

and there's always go F yourself.
Last night the Capitals weren't able to get past the Flyers. Which reminds me of something. Philadelphia sucks. I hate Philly fans, teams and people alike. Maybe I'm overreacting due to the emotional stress of watching those dirty rat bastards crush the hopes and dreams of a young team of excellent hockey players. Maybe my anger comes from the fact that Philly made me throw a chair across the bar and get thrown out of said bar. Maybe I've finally come to the realization that no matter what I do, Philly will always be there. Looking at me, staring at me, taunting me. Getting in the background of my photos and making a silly face, getting drunk at a Christmas party and grabbing my brothers wife. Or maybe, just maybe, it's because Philly sucks.
Philly strikes me as the kind of city that beats his wife, and his dog, but is really a closet homosexual or pederast.

The more I think about it, the more I dislike it. OK, Cheesesteak is good, but everything else sucks. Plus, the stupid Flyer's have no shot at the cup, seeing as no Philly team has brought anything home since I was born. (76ers in 83) Listen good, you cheesesteakmongering, has been capital of the US, you suck for raining on my parade.

Also, there has been some buzz about town regarding our fans throwing trash onto the ice and booing. The initial reaction last night was that people were upset that we lost, and felt that they were let down by their team. So in response to this anger and resentment, they threw things at the Caps and booed them. On the contrary, I believe that it was simply a knee jerk reaction to the Flyers. Remember, they are from Philly. I think the Caps were simply booing the Flyers and throwing trash at them, which probably made the Flyers feel right at home, so it turns out that we are classier than I thought. Philly, boo's, trash? Sounds like a good time.

Awkward Time with the KC Royals

2008-04-22T09:30:00.023-04:00

A couple weeks ago my buddy asked for my address because he was going to mail me a present; the only thing I knew about it was that it would take 2-3 weeks for delivery. So lo and behold last night when a nondescript package arrived at my house and I opened it to find the most awkward/homoerotic calendar in the history of earth: The 2008 Kansas City Royals Charity Calendar. Now on its face it might seem like this calendar would be a harmless compilation of baseball action photos, however it is instead a collection of uncomfortable glamor shots of Royals players wearing casual clothing and hanging out in an factory basement of some kind. I like to think that this photo shoot led to recreation of the fashion show scene from Slapshot:

Mark Grudzielanek: I'm going to flash 'em, Dayton!
Dayton Moore (KC GM): No, you're not.
Mark Grudzielanek: I'm gonna walk down that stinkin' runway, open up this faggot robe and wiggle my dick at 'em! And do you know why? Because I want you to have a heart-attack and die so we don't have to do this shit again! You and your fucking photo shoots!

Anyway the actual pictures from the calendar aren't on the Interweb but thankfully there are "outtake" photos, so let's dive in:

Brandon Duckworth, P

Poor Brandon, he went all out with the shooters and now he's not even on the 40-man roster. Just goes to show that it doesn't matter how cool you are, you still need talent to make a baseball team, even one as poor as the Kansas City Royals.

Ryan Braun, P

The Fake Ryan Braun. Like Mr. Duckworth (quack, quack, quack) Mr. Braun is not with the big league club at the moment despite his thin beard, androgynous watch, and superior flexibility.

Luke Hochevar, P

"I don't know if you heard me, I did over 1,000, that's a lot."

John Buck, C

Nothing says casual like hanging out in a cold basement in a $15 folding chair.

Mark Teahen, RF

"Shhh, don't tell anyone how incredibly mediocre I am."

Billy Butler, 1B/DH

The photo of Billy in the actual calendar makes you even more uncomfortable, if that's at all possible.

David DeJeus, OF & John Buck, C

That must be the wreath from the Royals' 2007 Christmas/Eliminated from the 2008 Playoffs Party.

"Give me back my wreath, damn you!"

And just when you thought it couldn't get more awkward utility infielder Mark Grudzielanek proves you wrong, so very very wrong:

If that's what the cut out, what they left in must be pure gold. For more awkwardness visit royals.com/calendar

It's Make Fun of a Comment Time

2008-04-16T11:27:00.003-04:00

I guess I shouldn't rag on people who comment on this blog considering we're lucky to get anyone to read this thing let alone respond to it but with the NBA's regular season winding down I figured it was time to unearth this gem from last November 2nd in response to my post about my enthusiasm regarding the start of the Celtics' season:

How can you be excited for a team with no real depth, a terrible head coach, and a point guard that has never played a minute of meaningful basketball in his pro career? -Anonymous

Well Mr. Anonymous, the Celtics have the best record in the NBA, their bench has more than acquitted themselves over the course of the year, Doc Rivers and Tom Thibodeau have done an excellent, excellent job, and Rondo is a strong candidate for the Most Improved Player award. How do you like them apples?

Hi, I'm ugly as sin.

2008-04-15T13:12:00.003-04:00

This guy looks like Julian Tavarez had a kid with Ms. Piggy, then that kid had a kid with Satan, using Hillary Clinton as a surrogate. Ew, gross, Hillary's vagina....

Innocent Until Proven Guilty

2008-04-15T11:43:00.003-04:00

Maybe I'm crazy but I'm pretty sure somewhere in our Constitution it says you're innocent until proven guilty. Recently the media have forgotten this annoying little part of our country and string everyone up by their thumbs when they get arrested. The reason I bring this up is because NBA All-Star Carmelo Anthony was recently arrested for an ALLEGED DUI. This story has been plastered all over the TV and interweb with people breaking out their Jump-To-Conclusions mats and getting all riled up. Unfortunately if/when he is found innocent of the charges because the pig who pulled him over only arrested him because he was famous and so he could tell his worthless cop friends about how he arrested Carmelo the media will completely gloss over the story. Coincidentally today Tampa Bay LB Cato June had his own DUI dropped due to lack of evidence (translation: some idiot cop decided giving a football player a speeding ticket wasn't a good enough story for his loser buddies).

I think Pacman Jones has been the biggest victim of this whole thing. Yeah, the man has been arrested a bunch of times and clearly makes some bad decisions but I think he's only been convicted of a misdemeanor or two yet the fascist NFL, led by Fuhrer Goodell, assumes he is guilty of all charges and suspends him. Also, it came out last summer that one of the cops who arrested him on an expired license charge went out looking to arrest Pacman. That's fucked up. This is just one man's plea that we return to our senses and assume that people are innocent when they are arrested, like our founding fathers did.

Scream directly at my ass

2008-04-15T10:15:00.006-04:00

John McCain posed this question on LinkedIn.com:

Our country is faced with challenges as we enter into the 21st century. I am prepared to effectively deal with these challenges and lead our country as President on Day 1. Please let me know what you view as the biggest challenge America faces and how you would like your President to address this challenge.

I say this:

I think that the biggest challenge is going to be getting Americans to realize that this is America. I know that sounds stupid, but it seems to me that people have lost touch with what we are all about. I believe in small federal government. I believe that the federal government is responsible for securing our economy, our borders, and securing our place on the geopolitical stage. That's it. Outside of that, the power is supposed be in our hands, through our elected officials. I believe that we are a great country full of great people, but there are those of us that believe that simply being born in America gives you the right to be taken care of, to be provided for. Those who cannot provide for themselves should be provided for, not those that simply do no want to, or do not feel like it. On the same note, those who do not vote, should not complain about politics. Those that do not sacrifice for their country, should not expect the country to sacrifice for them. Maybe I'm crazy, but maybe I'm American.

And as you can see, I am not the only one who fears Hillary. That's fear, my man, that is fear.

Baseball Thoughts

2008-04-15T09:06:00.010-04:00

Here are some disjointed musings about the first couple weeks of the baseball season:

AL EAST

Baltimore Orioles
-Yeah the O's are in first but there is no way they finish higher than fourth in the AL East; they don't have the pitching.

Boston Red Sox
-I have some minor concerns regarding the back end of the rotation. Lester is a solid four but a mediocre three, Buchholz isn't quite there yet, and Wakefield is Wakefield. I guess what I'm saying is outside of Beckett and (usually) Dice-K there is nothing close to a sure thing in this rotation. That is mildly concerning; they need to get something out of Bartolo Colon.
-The bullpen worries the shit out of me. There is one excellent reliever (Papelbon), one very good reliever (Okajima), and then a mix of potential has-beens (Timlin) and never-were's (Aardsma). Is Craig Hansen ever going to amount to anything, can Delcarmen be a reliable reliever? These are important questions. I just hope Theo doesn't make a Sauerbeck-esque panic trade at the deadline and ship Jed Lowrie to Colorado for Brian Fuentes.
-In the NBA this year everyone is talking about how Kobe Bryant deserves to win the MVP as a kind of lifetime achievement award (most people who support Kobe deny this but they are lying) even though Chris Paul and probably Kevin Garnett are more deserving. What I'm getting at is how about some love for my boy, Manny Ramirez. He's never won an MVP despite being one of the top 5 hitters of the past 20 years (Bonds, Griffey Jr., A-Rod, Pujols). From 1998 to 2006 Manny finished in the top 10 of the MVP voting. Regardless of not winning an MVP he's one of the greatest right-handed hitters of all-time.

New York Yankees
-Sucks that their two young starters (Kennedy and Hughes) have thrown a combined 22.1 innings in their first six starts; that works out to 3.2 innings per start. Not good.
-Sucks that Joba's dad has polio, if only they had a vaccine for it...

Tampa Bay Rays
-Shitty new name, shitty new uniforms. I can't believe they have the same logo on their home and road jerseys. That's bush league. Trivia: Did you know that all but eight of MLB's 30 teams use red or blue as their primary color and that only one (Oakland) uses green?

Toronto Blue Jays
-Rock solid rotation if A.J. Burnett can stay healthy. Four quality starters but where's the offense? Sorry, Alex Rios and Vernon Wells aren't that intimidating.

AL CENTRAL

Chicago White Sox
-There getting some quality pitching from their young guys and the addition of Nick Swisher is a big boost to their offense. I think this team will be competing for the playoffs in September, that is if Ozzie Guillen doesn't murder anybody.

Cleveland Indians
-C.C. Sabathia isn't helping himself during a contract year by stinking out the joint. They have serious bullpen issues but if Kobayashi, who averaged 30 saves a year in Japan, can step in those could all go away. Paul Byrd does steroids.

Detroit Tigers
-I, for one, am happy to see the Tigers struggling. I have nothing against them but I got fed up with all the talking heads penciling them into the World Series. They have no pitching, none. The Devil Rays' staff is much better.

Kansas City Royals
-Hurray for the Royals. I am very happy for Kansas City (seriously). They have great uniforms. I really hope they stick around and they will if Bannister and Grienke keep throwing B.B.'s and their young guys (Alex Gordon and Billy Butler) can step up and carry the offense. Joakim Soria is a quality closer and Joey Gathright is the most athletic player in the game. Witness:

Minnesota Twins
-Word on the street is that Liriano won't be Lirano until the All-Star break. That makes sense, he needs to learn to pitch again. Jason Kubel looks like a legit player.

AL WEST

Anaheim Angels
-Count me among those who thought Torii Hunter would fall off this year; turns out I was wrong and I couldn't be happier for the man. Helluva guy that Torii Hunter. This team is semi-legit but its record will be inflated by feasting on a moribund division

Oakland Athletics
-Poor Rich Harden, that canuck has all the talent in the world but just can't stay healthy. I am predicting a surprisingly good record for the A's simply because they have two Sweeney's (Mike and Ryan) on their team.

Seattle Mariners
-I'll be surprised if Eric Bedard pitches more than 170 innings this season. I don't think they have enough offense to compete with Anaheim, combine that with high expectations for this season and it looks like this year might be a disappointment.

Texas Rangers
-Closer C.J. Wilson has yet to allow a run this year, and he had two saves during a doubleheader. Hmm... This is a pretty forgettable team.

NL...coming soon.

Sox Score 3 off Joe "Tumbling Dice" Borowski for Win

2008-04-14T23:28:00.005-04:00

A while back my brother suggested that teams should play the Rolling Stones' Tumbling Dice whenever a shaky closer enters the game and since no closer is shakier than Cleveland's Joe Borowski he has become the Tumbling Dice. I didn't realize exactly how shaky he was until he gave up a hit to David Ortiz.

Ricky

2008-04-11T11:25:00.004-04:00

Me, as Ricky.

Red Sox All-Time Record in Home Openers

2008-04-09T13:34:00.004-04:00

The Boston Red Sox are 64-48 since 1903 (the start of the World Series era) in home openers.

They are 31-19 in their last 50 (1959-2008).

They are 59-41 in their last 100 (1909-2008).

Fun facts learned while researching this:

-In 1910 the Yankees opened the season against the Red Sox in Boston, the game ended in a 4-4 tie.

-Before 1908 the Red Sox were called the Boston Americans, naturally.

UPDATE: The Smile Train is Not Smilestimes

2008-04-03T09:11:00.008-04:00

Want to know what I'm really fucking sick of? Those web ads with a picture of the kid with a fucked-upped lip. I know its for a charity and all but the picture makes me sick. It's terrible. And it seems like it's on every single Web site I visit. I clicked on it once just to find out the name of the place and its something called "The Smile Train" and it's a charity for kids with cleft lips. I'm all for charity but unless this thing is life-threatening (which I don't think it is) then I just don't care. I have a lot more serious things to feel guilty about like Darfur and starving children than some fucked-upped lips. I know its for a good cause and that a little donation could do a lot of good but you're not going to win me over with those shock ads and by trying to make me feel guilty. So memo to the Smile Train: quit ruining the Interweb for me and everyone else; if I don't see one of your ads on the Web for an entire week I will donate $50, no joke.

UPDATE: A noble effort by the smile train collapsed today, Saturday, April the fifth, at 11:31 a.m. while I was visiting the Hartford Courant's Web site. Alas, no donation shall be made at this juncture.

FIRST PITCH ACCOMPLISHED

2008-03-31T13:14:00.018-04:00

Say what you will about President Bush Jr. (I certainly do) but there are few other presidents who I would pick before him to throw out a first pitch. The man brought the heat, he had great form, and he threw from the mound instead of in front of it. If American presidents were ranked based on ability not to embarrass themselves/their country while throwing out the first pitch (which I was surprised to find out that they aren't) Bush II would certainly be up there. Here is my list of best and worst Presidents in terms of ability to throw out the first pitch:

Best-

1. George Washington- If baseball was around back then General Washington would have probably broken the catcher's hand on every single throw. I have no doubt he could reach 102 MPH with his fastball and buckle knees with his 68 MPH overhand curveball. Simply put, he would have been the greatest pitcher ever.

2. George Bush I- The first Bush was a hell of a ballplayer in his day. He was the first baseman and captain of Yale's baseball team in the late '40s and led them to two college world series. He's the second starter based on the fact that he's a lefty.

3. Teddy Roosevelt- The El Guapo of his day, Teddy Roosevelt used his generous bulk to his advantage with his fastball coming in at respectable 94 MPH. Combine that with his signature Bull-Moose Knuckleball and he was nearly unhittable.

4. Calvin Coolidge- Silent Cal didn't have the best stuff but what he lacked in talent he made up for in mound presence and intimidation. Coolidge OWNED the inside corner and had no fear beaning ambitious batsmen who tried to wrest it from him. Few people took issue with his hard-nosed pitching style because they were afraid of him, especially after he beat up Robin Ventura when he charged the mound.

5. John F. Kennedy- Just look at that face, no way he couldn't reach 96 MPH.

Closer- George Bush II- As discussed above, he's clearly played ball before and is in phenomenal shape for a president. And he certainly has the cocky-asshole/closer attitude down pat.

Worst-

1. FDR- It's tough to throw a strike while sitting down. (Too soon?)

2. William Taft- Taft actually was the first president to throw out a first pitch at a ballgame. He was also morbidly obese.

3. James Madison- If you're wondering why Madison is on this list, try grabbing a basketball and playing baseball with it; that's what playing with an actual baseball was like for Madison, who had tiny carny hands and smelled like cabbage.

4. William H. Harrison- His body wasn't built for the rigors of a 162 game season.

5. Hillary Clinton (if elected)- no explanation necessary.

Closer- Warren G. Harding- The Teapot Dome was the Coors Field of its day, mainly because Harding gave up more go-ahead home runs than Byung-Hun Kim and John Wasdin combined.

What the hell just happened?

2008-03-28T14:07:00.003-04:00

Sorry to bother you again but I nearly just threw up all over my keyboard and some poor schmo's tax return information. I have no idea why it happened I was just sitting here, minding my own business when my stomach started regurgitating the pizza I had for lunch. Fortunately I was able to fight it down but now I can't stop coughing and my coughs taste like puke. That was truly frightening. What would have happened had I thrown up all over my desk, I'd have to quit on the spot and leave my paycheck to cover the cleaning fees, right? Wow, I hope nothing like that ever happens again. Not good times, bad times.

Most Random Post of All-Time

2008-03-28T13:40:00.007-04:00

I have no idea why I am writing this or why I even thought of this right now but this is something I had been meaning to tell someone only I just kept forgetting.

During my sophomore year of college I needed to take a one credit bibliography course for my journalism degree. It was a painfully boring class; pretty much it was a librarian showing us how to use the library's website for an hour a week. It was the only class in which I have ever, in my entire academic career, fallen asleep (which was incredibly disorienting, by the way). Anyway as Mr. Librarian is cruising around the website I noticed a time stamp on the bottom of a page stating when it had last been modified. It read September 11th, 2001. Now I was kinda bugging out but I figured that the professor who had modified it had done it early in the morning before anything had gone down but to my amazement it said something like 11:34 a.m. So that means the professor (and head of the Journalism School) had been modifying a bibliography page on how to properly cite magazine articles in a scholarly paper right in the middle of when everything was happening (11:34 a.m. on September 11th, 2001). This isn't criticizing him at all, it was just curious as hell. I meant to ask him about it at some point but I'm not a big fan of talking about that day (other than this one anecdote that is absolutely mind-blowing which I may share here at some point) and I didn't want to open a can of worms. Anyway I was just hit with this memory and I figured it was time to share it with the world.

Weird, very very weird.

Dr. S's Generic Bracket Breakdown

2008-03-17T15:40:00.018-04:00

(Note from Doug: I love the NCAA tournament, it's great and it's fun but there is one thing I f*cking hate about it: All the generic, assembly-line articles that hack writers write this week. It's really pretty terrible so instead of spending your time clicking through dozens of articles, why don't you read this one: its an amalgamation of all the crappy articles that are written every March about the tournament by Freglomerica's resident sports columnist, Dr. S.)

Last night the brackets were revealed and you all know what that means? Yes, March Madness! Whoa! Yeah! This is the GREATEST EVENT EVER. I know i just wrote that the Super Bowl is the GREATEST EVENT EVER just six weeks ago but that was then, this is March and its time for Madness. All you crazy cats out there will probably spend more time filling out your brackets this week than working. Ha ha ha, that's awesome. Work sucks. Although no matter how long you spend on your bracket you're going to end up losing to some chick in accounting who chose teams based on retarded girl-logic. That's OK, dude-bro. Here's my handy guide to filling out your bracket:

1. Choose based on mascots- Have you ever been trying to pick a winner in a sporting event and thought to yourself, "How can I make this pick while at the same time be as cool as that tool from Not Another Teen Movie?" Then this strategy is for you. Would a Wildcat beat a Golden Eagle? How about a Wildcat against a Mountaineer? Could a Bull Dog best a Jaguar? Bull Dog beat a Duck? Bull Dog top a Hill Topper? Bull Dog or Musketeer? What the hell happens when a Bull Dog goes after a Wildcat? Choose this method if you want to let everyone know how cool, funny, and unique you are. But first answer me this: What the heck is a Torero? (You see what I did there? Its an obscure, bizarre mascot and I asked you what it is because its funny. It would have been a lot better if Vermont made the BIG DANCE because that joke works waaaay better with Catamount.)

2. The less you know the better- Sometimes too much knowledge is a bad thing. Just look at the cute secretary who wins the pool every year. So my advice to you is to don't read anything about the BIG DANCE (including this column). In fact it would be best if you didn't even know who was in the BIG DANCE. So what if you might choose Final Four teams who only won 10 games all year and are not in the tournament, you'll still be light years ahead of those suckers who did research and made their picks based on information. As we well know, knowledge is dumb, why else would the bosses' 11-year-old daughter win every year (In case you you couldn't tell I get paid based on how many references I make towards a no-nothing female winning office pools).

3. Choose based on schools Web site- Cruise around the net, bro, and check out all the schools Interweb sites. If their site is lame than their team is probably lame. If their sites are cool like me then their team is probably full of cool players. Also the more prominently the BIG DANCE is mentioned on their home page the worse the team will do. That is why I'm choosing Cornell to win it all. They don't even have an "Athletics" link on their site. Radical! (This theory may not be so great because I haven't heard it beat to death by all my fellow hack writers/broadcasters so proceed with caution otherwise you'll lose to that PR rep who knows nothing about basketball and may, in fact, be legally retarded).

Those are my pointers for filling out your brackets. Best of luck during the GREATEST EVENT EVER even though no matter what you do you're going to lose to the part-time secretary who's never seen a basketball game in her life. Smell ya later! -Dr. S.

Oh wait a sec, I didn't get my commission for joking about how great office pools are, here it is: I love office pools especially if there's a high dive. Zing!

(Note from Doug: This was our 100th post on Freglomerica. Celebration to follow shortly.)

MLB Division Previews- NL Central

2008-03-10T16:18:00.027-04:00

After the rousing success of my NL West preview I have returned to give you my non-insightful, albeit pithy, appraisal of the NL Central.

1. Milwaukee Brewers- I was going to put the Cubs here but than I thought to myself, "Screw it. It's not like anyone is reading this crap anyway." So I'm going with the lovable Brew Crew (I don't think I have ever met anyone who dislikes the Brewers). Although I don't expect Prince Fielder to hit 50 bombs again he still will be a force (say 40-45 dingers). I feel the same way towards last years NL Rookie of the Year, the new Hebrew Hammer, Ryan Braun, who hit like 35 HR in 100 or so games. I think Braun will be good but I don't see more than 30 HR on the season. I do expect a lot from vastly underrated second baseman Rickie Weeks (check out his walk totals and ignore that aberration of a batting average from last year ) and OF Corey Hart. This team is going to hit a lot of homeruns but it's pitching will win it the division crown. Olympic gold medalist Ben Sheets will finally stay healthy and anchor an average, but deep and effective, staff. The Brewers' starters may be the best in the division top to bottom, although that is much more an indictment of the rest of the NL Central's pitchers than praise of Milwaukee's. The one question mark is the bullpen where Eric Gagne will try to close games. Gagne joining an already mediocre bullpen in homerun-happy Miller Park is could be like driving an oil tanker into a burning building.

2. Chicago Cubs- I think the Cubs will be very close to the Brewers but I see them either A). having a 3-15 stretch in August or B). never getting a prolonged hot streak going and ending up with 80 wins. Either way I think the Brewers have them beat. There lineup is very good with Alfonso Soriano as its centerpiece but there are a number of question marks such as, will Derrek Lee regain his 2005 form, can Kosuke Fukodome be effective in America, will Felix Pie and Geovany Soto be as good as hyped? These questions linger. There starters are OK; Carlos Zambrano is good, no doubt, and so is Rich Hill but I think Jason Marquis is going to suck. The bullpen is good but I'm not sure Carlos Marmol is a closer. Anyway their biggest issue is chemistry: I don't know if the team will continue to respond to Lou Pinnela and Zambrano is a jerk/headcase. Anyway a disappointing second-place finish seems about right for the Cubbies, although they may, but probably won't, compete for the wild-card.

3. St. Louis Cardinals- The Cards have the most players named in the Mitchell Report which unfortunately is not a statistic. Besides an overwhelming amount of juicers the Cardinals have one of the best hitters in baseball, Albert Pujols. Unfortunately he has a tear in his elbow and may miss a bunch of time this season. Besides him their offense is decent--I expect good things from Rick Ankiel (admitted HGH user), Chris Duncan (probable HGH user) and Troy Glaus (voted most likely to use HGH by the 1999 Anaheim Angels, although I don't know if he actually ever did). Their pitching stinks although youngster Adam Wainwright could have a good year.

4. Houston Astros- I think the 'Stros could finish higher and maybe even win the division. They have a great offense with Lance Berkman, Hunter Pence and Carlos Lee. However after Roy Oswalt their starters absolutely suck (Wandy Rodriguez is probably their No. 2, are you kidding me?) Also hurting Houston's chances is the fact that Toronto passed them in the all-important category of "5-11, 180 lbs White Guys Who Are Impossible to Tell Apart on the Diamond." (Yeah, that's right, I can't distinguish most white ball players from another. Does that make me racist? Probably.)

5. Cincinnati Reds- I like the Reds this year unfortunately they're not very good. New manager Dusty Baker is going to have Aaron Harang and Bronson Arroyo throw a combined 500 innings, which will be a problem down the road but I think both will have good years. The offense is pretty decent and hinges on how rookie first baseman Joey Votto does and if fellow rookie Jay Bruce makes the club and makes an impact. Pencil Adam Dunn in for 40 dingers and Ken Griffey Jr. for 110 games played.

6. Pittsburgh Pirates- I have no beef with Pittsburgh (they are one of two non-Red Sox teams whose hat I own (KC Royals is the other). I like former Sox farm hand Freddy Sanchez, unfortunately nobody values a .320 batting average with zero power and low OBP anymore. Sweet Swingin' Adam LaRoche has seen better days and their best pitcher, Ian Snell, is crazy. Still they have good young pitching with Snell and Tom Gorzelanny and it could be even better if Zach Duke gets his head out of his ass. Anyway this team will avoid 100 loses I think, but just barely.

Quick note about the NL Central: For some reason this division has more teams, six, than any other division. Now this would make sense if there were 31 teams in the majors but, alas, there are only 30. So this means that there is a division with only 4 teams, the AL West. Well, you say, "Doug, the MLB must not have wanted to make a team switch from one league to another because of the disadvantages that would pose." And I would say, "Yeah, you're right, good point." Except that the Brewers were originally in the AL and were moved to the NL in 1997. Bottom line is that the MLB has decided the best way to evenly divide 30 teams six ways is 5-5-5-5-6-4. One final point: This puts the teams in the NL Central at a disadvantage, and teams in the AL West at a corresponding advantage, because they have more/less teams vying for the division title, and playoff spot. Sports writers are shortsightedly bitching about the unfairness of the NBA playoffs giving 8 playoff spots to each conference regardless of record and ignoring this much more glaring, and permanent, problem. (My solution: Move the Brewers to the AL West. They're not that much further east than the Rangers). UPDATE: I just read that the reason for the NL having 16 and AL having 14 teams is because they want each league to be divisible by 2, to quote Wikipedia, "to continue primarily intraleague play." This doesn't make sense to me. While we're here this is my suggestion for realignment: eliminate two teams (let's say the Marlins and the Devil Rays), move the Brewers to the AL, and have two divisions of seven teams in each league. Winners of each division play in the A/NLCS for the pennant, like 20 years ago (you could also have each league have 2 wild cards and keep the current playoff format).

Show me the promised land...then lock me out.

2008-03-10T15:27:00.006-04:00

Ladies and Gents! They have answered my prayers. The TP is no longer under lock and key, and it no longer holds the rolls hostage as you relish in futile desperation, gaining but one sheet at a time. There it is on the left.

Only issue, now they are locking the bathroom. I need a key, and a hallpass to go make tinkles now. I'm glad to see that after all this time, I still need a key to the Mens, or Boys, Room. When is Snack and Nap time. And why are we getting f'd out of recess?!?!?!

MLB Division Previews- NL West

2008-03-06T15:31:00.014-05:00

Everyone grab your beat up glove, your homemade bat, and a brand-new pair of shoes because starting today I am going to begin my division-by-division preview of the upcoming MLB season. These are basically just going to be my gut reactions so don't expect any Peter Gammons in-depth analysis (until we get to the only division that matters, the AL East). Before we get to the preview please get in the baseball mood by enjoying the glory of John Fogerty's timeless classic "Centerfield":

(note: I'm probably going to post a different version of this video everyday, so get used to it)

NL West

1. Arizona Diamondbacks- I legitimately think Arizona has the best 1-2 punch in the Majors with Brandon Webb and Dan Haren. If the two of them stay healthy they could win a combined 45 games against the moribund competition in this league. Noted Jason Varitek-shover outfielder Eric Byrnes will come back to earth but phenom Justin Upton, brother of B.J., will be a spark for the offense.

2. Colorado Rockies- That run they went on to end the year was phenomenal. They were playing incredible baseball, still the disparity of the leagues was shown when the Red Sox absolutely crushed them in the World Series. I expect the Rockies to compete, and probably, win the wild card but I don't think they'll win a playoff series. Not with Orville Redenbaucher as their ace. I expect Troy Tulowitzki to plummet back to earth, Todd Helton to have a very strong year, and their bullpen to be exceptional.

3. Los Angeles Dodgers- Andruw Jones will bounce back and their lineup is pretty decent but a shaky rotation and poor management will have this team scuffling to win 75 games. This will be the year when everyone realizes Torre won those world series' because his team out spent everybody.

4. San Diego Padres- Jake Peavy is a stud, and will win 20 games but that lineup absolutely sucks. Seriously, I think they will only have one player hit over 25 home runs. Jim Edmonds is washed up, Tad Iguchi isn't good, etc... etc... Also, how much longer can Trevor Hoffman be Trevor Hoffman, dudes like 50-years-old.

5. San Francisco Giants- Well the Barry Bonds era in the Bay is over, however now Giants fans have a new problem. Bengie Molina (yes, THE Bengie Molina) is batting clean-up for a team that may not win 50 games. Things are going to be laughably bad for San Francisco. I'll probably end up watching 10-15 innings of this team throughout the course of the year and I will be absolutely shocked if I see them get a hit, other than a two-out groundball through the middle. It's going to be bad. Very bad.

Cheeseburger in the Distance

2008-03-06T15:16:00.008-05:00

I don’t know of any way of describing it other than “it’s just there.” It just sits there, two-dimensional and seventy-five feet up in the air. I’ve seen it everyday for the past nine months and I can’t get it out of my head. It taunts me in a way that I can’t really describe; its like something that you know is supposed to be a part of you but you’re not ready to have it, hold it, enjoy it.

Of course, I’m talking about the giant cheeseburger on the Friendly’s billboard near my office. You can see it out of any of the five windows that face the east but looking out just any window isn’t fair to it. The one true and unobstructed view of it can only be obtained while standing at the urinal. So if you find yourself there, at the urinal in my office, turn your head to the right and you’ll see it. Out past the hotel’s small lawn and gazebo, past South Main Street, past the high school, then over highway 84. It’s there. A two-story tall piece of heaven on a bun, the writing on the sign obscured by one of the countless, dreary, brick office buildings that circle this downtrodden city like giants without a home. But at least the burger is there and it always will be, I think.

I sorely want that burger, I do. I don’t know why I don’t just go over and get it, or at least touch it. The walk over wouldn’t be tough, just a couple hundred yards, still that distance on a dreary day may as well be a couple hundred miles; I can’t commit to that. Even if I got there it would be a long, long climb up a cold ladder to reach my prize. Then what? Could I even take it? Would it be real or would I have to bring my own burger, would that be blasphemous? See, why would I even try. I kind of like it there in the distance, brightening my day whenever I take a piss. Maybe taking it would be a piece of Icarian buffoonery; another piece of humiliation to put with the others. Still would that be much worse than pissing in the same damned urinal, looking out the same damned window forever? Probably not, but I guess I’m not ready to go after the cheeseburger in the distance. Not yet anyway.

My Case Against Brett Favre, and For Lorenzo Favre

2008-03-05T13:37:00.015-05:00

Let me start by saying that Brett Favre is a great, great quarterback, probably top 10-15 all-time. Broke a bunch of records, won one Super Bowl, seems to be a fairly respectable guy. My question is how did this very good quarterback become a cross between George Washington, Martin Luther King Jr., and Bart Starr? Here is a list of problems I have with Brett Favre (really more of a problem I have with the media's handling of him):

1). His abuse of drugs was glossed over. In 1996 Favre became addicted to pain killers, had a seizure because of his addiction, subsequently fessed up, and eventually received treatment. Now I have no problems with Favre's struggles, everyone has serious personal problems from time to time. What I don't like is how the media conveniently forgets this dark chapter to the Favre legend while simultaneously vilifying other NFLers who have used drugs or were suspected of using drugs. Guys like Ricky Williams, Michael Vick, and Quincy Carter get skewered for allegedly smoking a little grass but Favre is allowed to pop much more potent and dangerous drugs and he's the greatest thing since sliced bread. I don't get it. (Actually, I think I do get it, unfortunately).

2). "He's just a regular guy, like me." I hate this one. He's not like me at all. He's a football legend from the deep south who makes money hand-over-fist, could sleep with any chick he wanted to, and is beloved by millions and millions of people. That doesn't sound like me. Let's re-examine that statement with my comparison to Favre in parenthesis:

He's a football legend (close, I was the punter on my college's D-III football team) from the deep south (I'm from New England, swing and a miss) who makes money hand-over-fist (living at home is a great way to save...), could sleep with any chick he wanted to (I'm just going to move on before I cut myself), and is beloved by millions and millions of people (maybe, maybe a dozen).

Ya see. It would be pretty hard for me to find somebody who is more different than me than Brett Favre. He's not a regular guy, he's a superstar quarterback! Get this through your head people.

3). "He's having fun out there." If you listen to any media-type person talk about Brett Favre within 10 seconds you will hear some variation of the above phrase. Listen, we get it, he likes playing football, good for him. I never really understood why this was such a big deal, it never allowed him to be better at his job, did it? Some guys who play professional sports love playing and are very happy to be paid for doing something they love; other guys just see it as a way to make a bunch of money. Why is it so much more important to be in the former group and not the latter? In the grand scheme of things it isn't. Also this just proves even more that he's not a regular guy. What type of jerk loves his job? The type of jerk that pisses me off, that's what type of jerk loves his job.

4). "His father died and he went out and had a great game a day later." I have to tip my hat here. He did play a hell of a game, however it was ruined by every media member not trapped under a rock proclaiming it being the BEST PERFORMANCE OF ALL TIME in the history of NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. I'm fortunate enough to still have my dad around (granted I'm half Favre's age) and I can imagine how tough it would be to go out and do anything for a while after he passes. Still people's dads die all the time and many of them are still able to perform their jobs. I just think it was blown way out of proportion. Also the media forget that Brett had a loving relationship with his father for most of his life (I assume) while a great many players had abusive/non-existent fathers. To me, making it to the NFL without a dad is much more impressive than having a great game shortly after your loving father passes.

5). Brett Favre. Not that good. He was a great, great quarterback but let's be real, there are a number of quarterback's who are significantly better than him. That's a fact. I'm not going to dig into stats or anything but Favre is what we in the business (not sure what business I'm referring to here) call a "compiler." Someone who accumulated statistics and records by playing a ton of games. I have nothing against compilers, sticking around and playing well in a sport is a skill/talent as surely as foot speed and hand-eye coordination are but for me it doesn't go hand and hand with greatness (not that any one skill/talent does).

Anyway, what it comes down to for me is his one championship. Winning just one championship in football is very difficult and deserves respect but if you want to be considered one of the greatest quarterbacks of all-time I need at least two rings. I'm not saying he's in the same league as other one-time Super Bowl champions such as Mark Rypien, Trent Dilfer, Doug Williams, and Brad Johnson but he's a long way away from the likes of Joe Montana, Bart Starr, Otto Graham, and, of course, Tom Brady. Anyway I get my pro football information from Cold, Hard Football Facts and they have Favre at No. 10 on their greatest quarterback's list. I can live with that. I'd probably have him a bit lower because of his tendency to choke hard in playoff games: like his 6 pick game against St. Louis in 2002 and the 2008 NFC Championship game against the Giants where he gift-wrapped the victory for them. So like I said at the beginning I have him around 10-15 greatest QB's in history, very good but not deserving of the fly-your-flag-at-half-mast treatment most media members are giving his retirement.

One thing I learned about Favre that makes me like him more is that his middle name is Lorenzo. I probably wouldn't have written this article if he went by Lorenzo Favre.

Damnit!

2008-03-05T13:10:00.001-05:00

While I was trolling around this vast series of tubes we call the Interweb, looking for some interesting baseball tidbit to write about, I came across this throughly depressing quotation from Red Sox postseason hero, Jonathan Papelbon. From my understanding Papelbon wants a big contract extension even though he has a couple more years on his current contract. If you want to get really cynical it basically seems like he's pulling a "T.O." Granted, I'm sure he won't let it be a distraction and will go out and do his job unlike Owens.

I usually side with the players on these types of matters but I am 100% opposed to giving Papelbon an extension before this season. There aren't enough words to describe how well he has played over the last two years but I still think giving him a rich contract extension based on only one good, full year of work (in 2006 he got shut down at the end of the season because of some sort of arm trouble/fatigue) is a fool-hardy idea. Baseball closers have an incredibly high turnover rate, it's probably close to 50% from year to year, and based on how some closers have either just completely lose it (remember when Derek Lowe was a lights out closer?) and others have had catastrophic arm problems (how about Robb Nen?) I don't think giving a relatively inexperienced closer a ton of money when he is under contract for less than $500,000 makes sense. However, if he goes out and saves 40 games with a sub 2.50 ERA this year then I say give him whatever he wants. Its just I need one more good year before I'm ready to permanently give Paps elite closer status.

Opening Day is Just Three Weeks Away

2008-03-04T14:45:00.006-05:00

Get pumped. It is a mere 15 working days until my defending World Champion Boston Red Sox take on the sure-to-be-miserable Oakland Athletics in Tokyo to kick off the 2008 MLB season. Baseball is by far my favorite sport and it pains me that it is losing currency in America because of the ever-growing popularity of football. What does this tell me? That some people in America are idiots, just look at the clowns we have running this country and it's no surprise that baseball is waning in popularity. People who claim to not like baseball are either one of two things- a communist or a pussy/lacrosse player (it's hard for me to distinguish the two). It's that simple. People claim that it's too slow for them, that's because their twisted-pinko brains are used to watching flashy socialist propoganda films (and/or MTV) that are designed for weak-minded proles who demand instant gratification. Other complaints range from the season is too long to the disparity between the haves and the have-nots is too large. If you hear one of these loonies and want to stand up for your country the correct response to any and all of these complaints is this, "Shut up you anti-American scumbag. Go back to Russia and take your little basket on a stick with you. Don't let the door hit you on the way out."

Anyway, I'm not going to let these crazies bring me down. Baseball is America and America is baseball. I'm going to try to put up a baseball related post daily, these should range from previews to fantasy advice to unadulterated Yankee bashing (although I don't really mind Hank Steinbrenner, he makes me laugh).

Code Pink, Code STFU

2008-03-03T15:53:00.002-05:00

A late response to the situation in Berkeley, Ca.

Good lord, this is classic:
"We want to protect our city from the onslaught of the right wing," said Code Pink spokeswoman Zanne Joi. "We're facing people who are willing to kill or send other people's children to kill to get what they want. We understand the reality of that, and we're prepared to face that in a nonviolent way."

Dear Zannie,
Protect your city from the onlaught of the right wing?!?!?!? Is the Republican party mobilizing some secret military force that no one knows about to attack Berkeley? Do you see people with guns running around with elephant flags? No, you silly communist/dejected hippie, no, you certainly don't. What you see is outraged US CITIZENS, fed up with you and your ridiculous animosity towards a government that protects your right be that stupid. Moreover, to be that stupid on purpose and outloud. The sad thing is, you people believe that our government is WRONG for using our VOLUNTEER MILITARY FORCE to protect our safety, interests and well-being. What is it exactly that you are going to "face in a nonviolent way?" I think you, Zanne Joi (can't be your real name), should put down your $9 organic, non-fat, mocha frappachino and go home. I'm sure there are people there that don't want to listen to you either. Kids, Husband, 50 cats......

Turns out that my freeloading brother is a total dick.

2008-03-03T14:34:00.001-05:00

I'm D he's P
D(2:31:55 PM): breasts
P (2:32:01 PM): whats up?
D (2:32:04 PM): nothing
D (2:32:10 PM): you're still not in doostang
D (2:32:16 PM): starting to anger the gorilla
P (2:32:20 PM): ill do it today
D (2:32:33 PM): and you don't read my blog
D (2:32:41 PM): which really hurts me in the pants
P (2:32:51 PM): you dont read mine
D (2:32:58 PM): you have blog status
D (2:33:02 PM): gimme the site
D (2:33:10 PM): i'll check it ten times a day
P (2:33:35 PM): http://www.iamahomosexualandineedasupportsystem.com/
D (2:33:50 PM): wow

Here's an idea: Try shutting the F up!

2008-03-03T14:10:00.004-05:00

Dear Madea Benjamin,

Shut the fuck up about politics and the wars in Iraq and Afganistan. You have barely a foot to stand on, no valid points, and no idea the sacrifices that our VOLUNTEER standing military force takes on so that YOU can be crazy. Thanks for your compliance.

Sincerely,
The Remaining Sanity in the World

I decided to look up these "Code Pink" looney tunes online and, once the general seething anger receded, I found something on their site that really pisses me off. (by the way, I hope I don't pegged as a commie for going to their site) They have a list of missions or goals that they are pursuing, including: impeaching our president, getting Mr. Cheney fired, blaming global warming (which isn't real) on the war in Iraq, saying that Ms. Rice has blood on her hands, and a plethora of anti-war propaganda and jargon. And towards the bottom I find this:

DARFUR: All Life is Sacred
"My heart aches when I think about tragedy in the lives of so many in Darfur, and how their cries for help go unheeded, especially by the leaders in this country. Our government should do everything in its power to stop the suffering, the pain, the violence." —Medea Benjamin.

IS THIS WOMAN SERIOUS?!?! I am not a military man, but I have friends that serve/have served as well as family members, and I have discussed military history over a cigar before with qualified intelligence officials. It seems to me that this woman is calling for us to take military action in Darfur! Wouldn't that situation be violent and destructive? Would it not cost the lives of Americans and locals? Isn't that what she is bitching about in Iraq? I am not saying go or don't go, but clearly she has no idea what it would take to go into Darfur and secure the region. I am not opposed to US military action solely based on the fact that I trust the people that run our country and our military and if those people deem military action necessary than who am I to argue?
But this woman is arguing that we should walk out of Iraq because she thinks its wrong, unjust and costing American lives and money. Then she has the guts to say we need to step into Darfur? Ridiculous and incongruent! Classic Communist BS!! This woman is clearly insane and is simply hellbent on hating freedom and causing unrest in our society for her own crazy reasons. Someone deport her.

I also found this on the "Code Pink" website (which I now refer to as "crazy irrational communist agitator headquarters") :

"October 4, 2007: Ann Wright, retired U.S. army colonel and former diplomat who quit in opposition to the Iraq war, and Medea Benjamin, co-founder of CODEPINK and founding director of Global Exchange, tested Canada's policy towards US peace activists on Thursday. They were on their way to Toronto at the invitation of the Toronto Stop the War Coalition but were denied entry into Canada due to previous arrests for demonstrating against the Iraq War outside the White House and in the Capitol. Their names have been added to FBI's National Crime Information Center (NCIC) database that apparently dictates Canadian border policy. The border agents at the Rainbow Bridge at Niagara Falls who barred Medea and Ann said the mere fact that they were listed on the NCIC was sufficient to bar them from entry."

Good. Turns out Canada has a pair.

How to Slack Off at Work Part I

2008-03-03T11:15:00.006-05:00

I'm the first to admit that I am not the best employee in the world at my accounting firm. Hell, I'm legitimately bad at my job. However that does not mean that over the past seven or so months I haven't learned anything; far from it, I have learned how to do as little work as possible without suffering any serious consequences. Here is my handy guide to accomplishing little-to-nothing at work:

Part I-

Slacking off at work is much more complicated than simply deciding to cruise the Interweb all day; doing so would be a short-sighted, risky, and fool-hardy approach. Slacking off is a long-con (like in the end of The Sting). It needs to be set up over the course of weeks and months to be perfected. So I'm going to begin this guide with a broad overview and then get more and more specific (in the writing world, we call this approach... umm... well I'm sure its called something). Here is what you need to do to set up your life-long dream of getting paid for nothing:

1). You should have as little experience with the type of work you will be doing as possible. This is essential as it will lower everyone's expectations for you and allow you to stretch jobs that should only take about 45 minutes into entire afternoon affairs. I am a journalism and history major who took exactly zero business/economics classes in school and am working as an accountant. I have no business working here but let's just say it's not what you know, it's who you know. (For me, I know my dad, the managing partner).

2). You need to be able to work hard intermittently. A couple times a week you're usually going to have to cram 5 hours of work into 1 hour. Those are the facts. Bottom line is work needs to get done and the best way to do it while maximizing your slack off time is to work in 60-90 minute frenzies and get as much volume done as possible. (note: quantity is more important than quality here. Remember you have no experience doing these things so you're going to have some slip-ups. Your superiors expect this from you and will be able to find and correct your errors quickly and easily. It also helps if you write down your questions in detail and act genuinely interested in their answers). Also a stretch of hard work shows your boss that you can/might be valuable.

3). You need to have some sort of responsibility outside of work. This can't be a softball league or a bowling night, this has to be legit. How legit? Like elderly relative to take care of or second job big. This will keep people off your back about being tired/out-of-it and allow people to make excuses for you. Hopefully when fellow employees are talking about you at the watercooler and someone says you don't pull your weight, another employee will chime in with something like, "Yeah, but did you know so-and-so is taking care of his great uncle?" or "Yeah, but so-and-so is also working nights to (make ends meet/pursue a passion/donate money to orphans, orphans with diseases)."

I myself work three nights a week writing sports for a Web site (my latest articles are usually on the top of right-hand sidebar but somebody decided to switch up the sidebar's order and buried my stories at the bottom, not that I'm upset or anything). My night job is pretty sweet. I write from home about something I enjoy. The only thing crappy thing is that the hours suck (10 p.m. to 1 a.m.) so I don't get a ton of sleep a couple nights a week. The key for me is using my lack of sleep to my advantage. About once or twice a month I'll drop a line like this one, "Man, I'm beat. I was up late writing about this whole Clemens scandal, blah blah blah." This lets whoever I'm talking to know that A) I have a second job, B) I can be an interesting (and therefore more likable) person to have a brief conversation with, and C) I have a valid reason for being tired. This step of having a legitimate outside responsibility is very important. It also highlights the fact that slacking off is not an easy thing to do and shouldn't be pursued by the weak of heart. You've got to fully commit to it, kinda like a D-10 combo from Jade Garden. In both slacking off at work and eating vast quantities of Chinese food if you leave anything on the table: you'll get called out for not working hard enough/being a pussy for not eating that last groddy-looking piece of General Tso's and then you'll eventually get fired/stabbed with the skewers that the beef teryaki came on. (For more real-life situations being compared to combo meals from crappy Chinese restaurants please pre-order mine and Ted's upcoming book "Extra MSG, Please: What Crab Rangoons and Crispy, Fried Dumplings Can Teach Us about Life." Hint: not much).

Parts II-LVII to come...

Spirit of Massachusetts

2008-03-03T11:01:00.001-05:00

David Ortiz in a Sidecar

2008-02-29T10:17:00.010-05:00

It is my personal opinion that there is no higher form of comedy than a person in a sidecar. The person doesn't have to be doing anything other than just sit there and I am bound to crack-up. So I was positively giddy when I heard that Big Papi was cruising around in a sidecar. While these photos are great if he had been wearing a leather helmet, goggles, and a scarf than I would have seriously peed myself. I probably would have to leave work because I would be so unproductive. (top image found at barstoolsports.com)

What should my new name be?

2008-02-28T13:47:00.002-05:00

Greetings to all our readers! (maggie, aneish, me, doug and of course, the Lord):
In my profession, I need to call companies and get names of people. Most times, I do this using a handle, which is a fancy term for "I lie about my name." I need a new one and am open to suggestion. I currently use Roibeard Gearóid Ó Seachnasaigh, or Bobby Sands, former IRA prisoner at Long Kesh. Please post comments with possible names and I will make a poll next week to decide the winner. I was leaning towards Donnie Vegas or Johnny Budders.

A More Severe Hunger

2008-02-27T14:36:00.007-05:00

So Baja Fresh and so clean, clean...

2008-02-27T13:40:00.001-05:00

4th and 37: Where's my helmet?

2008-02-26T15:17:00.014-05:00

OK so I'm lazy and haven't posted anything in a long time. Boo-fucking-hoo. Eat this shit up then:

-I haven't heard much buzz about the new Rambo movie, which is really a shame. Granted I only interact with like the same 10 people for stretches of time much longer than I care to admit. Anyway I saw the movie about 2 weeks ago and it was with out a doubt one of the most enjoyable movies I have ever seen in my entire life. Let me give you a quick plot summary: Rambo works on a snake farm in French-Indo China (I don't think that phrase has been P.C. for two score years). Anyway some relief workers want to cross into Burma (you may know it as Myanmar but it will always be Burma to me) and they ask Rambo to take them. After some tremendous acting Sly takes them into Burma, which is in the midst of genocide or something like that. The trip goes relatively smooth (Rambo only had to kill 4 people) other than a whiny guy complaining about the people Rambo had to kill.

Rambo returns to his job of snake wrangling (no homo) for a couple weeks until a band of mercenaries arrive who have been hired to find the missing relief workers. They hire Sly to take them into Burma. The mercenaries are a lovable, hard-nosed bunch but their leader acts like Rambo is a tool even though he is jacked and outweighs him by 100 pounds. My favorite mercenary was the Asian (update: Tim Kang). You may know him as the smarmy jerk in the cell-phone (cingular I believe) commercials they've shown during March Madness for the past couple years; he is also in a Shell commercial right now.

So now were about 30 minutes into the flick and the mercenaries go to rescue the relief workers (who have been captured by the generic bad guy army). Rambo shows up and saves the mercenaries then they go onto the prison camp to save everyone. Just as they are fleeing with the rescued prisoners to their boat the whole freaking Burmese army shows up. This is when the movie starts.

For the next 30 minutes Rambo kills everyone. Literally everyone. I did my best to count and I have his total body count at around 70. A very, very respectable number; for a reference point Arnold killed about 85 dudes in Commando. But the body count only tells half the story. The graphic nature of this violence was unbelievable. I was seriously stunned. It was so so violent. At one point Rambo shot a guy's head off with something and the whole audience (about 25 people) gasped, myself included. I couldn't believe it. I don't even have another movie to compare it to. these weren't generic action movie deaths either. I'm talking blood-spattering, gut-spilling violence.

After that TREMENDOUS sequence the movie wraps up very quickly. I couldn't believe how short the movie was, it was seriously 75 minutes. It was a 7:30 showing, there were 15-20 minutes of previews, and then I was in my car at 9:10. No joke. Now some of you are probably saying, "Wait, Doug. Doesn't a really short movie mean you got ripped off for that $9.50 you paid for the ticket and that $6.00 Icee?" To that I have a response in two parts: First, to the latter point about refreshments: I didn't need to buy snacks because I had a pack of Fruit Stripe gum. And no I didn't need to use my time machine to travel back to 1993 to buy it either. Now onto the next/former point: I love short movies. I will watch any movie that is under 90 minutes, no questions asked, and I will undoubtedly love it. However when a bad movie stretches past 100 minutes you've lost me forever. The perfect example of this is Date Movie and Epic Movie (the Bash Brothers of 2006 satirical movies). Date Movie was great and Epic Movie was not. Not because Date Movie had superior acting/writing/directing but because it was 40 minutes shorter. Seriously, I could watch a 70 minute movie on anything short of a colonoscopy (unless it was an interesting person's colon, say Robert Redford).

Long story short: Go see Rambo if it's still in the theaters and if you can't then buy it immediately when it comes out. Simply a life altering experience.

Well that's about it for me I'll try to write about something tomo....

Fuck that. I don't want to do any more shitty tax returns. I'll keep writing.

-The Slam Dunk Contest:

I don't know about you but the Slam Dunk Contest is one of my favorite events of the year. It is awesome. And as I have written before it is very, very American. But this year's contest left me a bit disheartened. I know that there were some awesome dunks but I had some major problems.

First, Rudy Gay got hosed. I'm not saying he should have won or even advanced to the second round but a 78 on that first dunk was just plain disrespectful.

Anyway, onto the larger issue: Dwight Howard did NOT deserve to win that thing but it was pre-ordained by the NBA that he was supposed to win. (If you have any doubts just go back and listen to Kenny Smith's on-air orgasm every time Dwight Howard is on screen). Let me list the problems I had with D-Ho's contest:

1) That first dunk was Andre Iguodala's invention so he should have lost points for creativity, but he didn't. It was still a pretty sweet dunk but I couldn't understand why everyone was acting like it was the first time anyone had seen a dunk before. We saw the SAME EXACT THING two years ago.

2) The Superman Dunk: As soon as he put that cape on he was winning the whole thing, which is bullshit to begin with. And then he didn't even touch the rim on the dunk. I know a dunk is defined as throwing the ball down into the hoop (which he did) but I think that's a garbage explanation. What's to stop someone from from jumping from the top of the key and trying to throw the ball into the basket from 10 feet away. Granted it would be tricky but it could happen. So by the D-Ho Dunk definition you could conceivably dunk from anywhere on the floor as long as you are able to get the ball above the rim and throw it downward. (Again, I know this is semi-improbable but once you start blurring the line between dunk and shot everything goes to shit and the next thing you know there's money missing from the dresser and your daughter's knocked up, I've seen it a thousand times). And finally, D-Ho meant to touch the rim. If he could have touched the rim he would have, plain and simple and I think that's the best argument about it not being a dunk (although I'm not sure that it makes any sense).

3) His dunk with the mini-hoop. I don't know why this dunk was considered better than the Gerald Greene's one with the ladder and his teammate holding the ball but it was (considered better).

This was the dunk of the night:

I'm getting too upset about this. Gerald Greene should've won. I'm moving on...

Miscellaneous Ramblings:

-I'm working as an accountant (I am NOT an accountant) and since it's tax season I'm working a ton of hours (on top of writing for Newser). I don't really mind working late during the week too much (because the week sucks anyway) but it's working every Saturday for 3 months that really kills me. I only work from like 9-2 but that is more than enough time to ruin a Saturday, then consequently a weekend, then a week, then a month, then a year, then a lifetime. Working on Saturday means that I can't drown my sorrows on Friday night and then by the time I get out of work my favorite part of the week is almost over (Saturdays 11-4). So then I only get one day to sleep in. At least it has made me appreciate Sundays more (although I still think it's a fucking piece of shit day masquerading as a day off).

-I'm getting really pumped up for baseball season even more than normal which is alarming. See I'm a huge baseball fan and I didn't think I could get more excited about baseball but I was wrong. I began wondering why and, depressingly, I realized that sports in the post-college world are much more important than sports while you were in college. Yeah, I followed sports a lot in school and watched a game of some sort almost every night but now they're all the only thing to which I look forward. In school if my team lost I'd be like "Fuck it, I'm going to a party tonight, whatever." Now if my team loses I spend the whole next day reading about it while slacking off at work. And then I don't have a party to go to afterwards. This is seriously depressing to me.

Here are my quick predictions for the MLB season, individual awards only (subject to change):

AL MVP: Alex Rodriguez, NYY (Dark Horses: Manny BOS, Nick Swisher/Paul Konerko CHW)

AL Cy Young: Erik Bedard, SEA (Dark Horse: James Shields, TB)

AL Rookie of the Year: Jacoby Ellsbury, BOS (edges out Evan Longoria, TB)

NL MVP: David Wright, NYM

NY Cy Young: Brandon Webb, ARI

NL Rookie of the Year: Joey Votto, CIN (beats out Kosuke Fukudome, CHC and Jay Bruce, CIN)

(I'll have an excessively long preview sometime soon)

-I'm sick of the damned weather jerking my chain. Last Wednesday it was like 60 degrees, then on Friday a fucking foot of snow gets dropped on my ass. That's just bullshit. I didn't even get to take off from work early like most of my co-workers. Well at least it was Friday and I had the whole weekend to look for... oh wait I work on Saturday's I didn't have a full weekend. ARRGGGHHHHHH!!!

-To those of you breathlessly awaiting future installments of my world-renowned Real World: Sydney summaries (Hi Maggie!): it's been a long time since I watched an episode (I still have about 8 to go) but my notes are still kicking around so I may get to writing about it soon (and I may also cure cancer/play shortstop for the Red Sox/write that novel I've been bullshitting my self about). At least mentioning the Real World gives me an excuse to run this photo: