I'm back, bitches

OK, so it's been about six months since Freglomerica last exploded into your brain. In the interval a lot of very fascinating stuff has happened to your intrepid punter. And by "a lot of very fascinating stuff" I mean alcohol and by "has happened" I mean poisoning. Kinda, seriously, call my mom, she'll tell you. A lot has also gone down in the grand scheme of things. Let's check the scorecard:


-America elected its first black president: +20 points.
-Said president is a Democrat: -5.
-Democrats are just as frustrating/annoying/bad at governing as Republicans: -15.
-Red Sox make the playoffs without Manny: +3.
-Red Sox make it to the ALCS sans Manny: +5.
-Red Sox lose to Devil Rays in ALCS without Manny: -5.
-Manny absolutely murders the NL: +5.
-Manny carries Dodgers to NLCS: +5.
-Manny loses to Phillies, setting up Philly vs. Tampa for the World Series: -6.
-Manny still isn't signed and people are acting like he's Hitler: -10.
-Holy Taco breaks ground on new stadium: +10
-Patriots get set to avenge Super Bowl loss: +2.
-Tom Brady's knee explodes seven minutes into first game: -a billion.
-Pats gut out an 11-5 season but miss playoffs: 0.
-Peyton Manning wins MVP but loses in first round, the story of his life: +5.
-Cardinals make the Super Bowl: +4.
-But lose to hated Steelers: -6.
-Sarah Palin names child after Bristol, CT because that's where ESPN is headquartered: Mrs. Palin, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Final tally: +12 minus a billion??

Anyway, this is not a complete scorecard so I expect to update this shortly. Let it be known that Doug the Punter is back and blogging. Shout it from the rooftops, kids. And if I stop writing then feel free to make fun of me in the comments in the most personal, degrading way possible. We're all in this together.

Virginia beats the shit out of New England.

Listen here Chowdaheads.


Sad story for you snow-weary Plymouth rock monkeys. Virginia totally started America. 1607, Jamestown, Va. Birthplace of America. Look it up bitches.

Virginia is prettier, with 34 highly regarded state parks. Love the smell of America? I do. Where do I get my fix? Virginia's state parks!

New England isn't even a state. It's a stupid region with stupid regional parks. Plus, when is anything named after England good? (England, not an English person. Too easy, Doug)

Virgina gave birth to eight presidents.

Virginia grows tobacco, everyone looks cool when they smoke, even Richie Cunningham.

Our State capital was also the capital of a country. (One that was not recognized by the US, but who cares! Fuck em.)

We have the Pentagon, the CIA, and the NRA. Also, we have 7 dead presidents and Arlington National cemetery on our hallowed grounds.

Virginia was once so big and bad that it consisted of Virgina, West Virginia, Kentucky, Tennessee, North and South Carolina and DC. Beat that fuck stain.

Our accents sound better.

The Redskins are better (over time) than the patriots.

The Red Sox are better than anyone so fuck you Doug, I'm taking that one away.

America was born in Virginia.

Virginia is for lovers. We like to bump nasties.

p.s. Doug likes dudes.

Attention New English People

I hate you all. I will not be posting anything about that game for personal reasons. Mainly, my inability to admit :
1. Defeat.
2. Other people's superiority.
3. That my girlfriend has a crush on Tom "I have bastard Children" Brady.
4. Being wrong.
5. That we lost that game before the first kickoff.

So fuck you and the horse you rode in on.

Good Game, Good Game, Good Game, Good Game, Good Game, Good Game. I'm a cutter.

Tiniest Man Imaginable Brings Red Sox Another Ring, and other exciting developments from the weekend

Wow, what a weekend of sports for me, probably one of the best ever. First on Saturday I was in attendance when my UConn Huskies upset South Florida for their first win ever over a ranked opponent, then the Patriots fustigated the Redskins, and THEN the Sox won the World Series. Remarkable. So I'll take it game by game:

UConn 22 USF 15

Summary (in my opinion)- This game didn't even seem this close until the last 5 minutes or so. King Conn was up 16-0 at the half and everything was breaking their way (2 missed FGs, a pick-6, etc...). The Huskies couldn't stop Grothe when he was running the ball in the second half but they finally figured it out on the last drive. On a crucial third and goal from the 2 with about a minute left Grothe ran a naked bootleg but the Connecticut DE stayed home and dropped him for a loss, back to the 10. 4th down? Incomplete. Fans rush the field.

Excitement Level- 4 Motor City Bowl victories out of 5. This was a huge win, no doubt, but it will go for naught if the Huskies lose* to hated Rutgers. Coach Edsall just needs to keep the troops focused each week. The next three games are definitely winnable (Rutgers, at Cincinnati, Syracuse) which could lead up to a defacto Big East title game against West Virginia in Morgantown. I'm trying not to get ahead of myself. One game at a time, Doug, one game at at time...

F U factor (how much this victory allows me to tell others to kill themselves)- 3 pulled-pork barbecue sangwiches out of 5. It's nice to have my college football team do well after spending my college years in the south because now I can mock my friends who are Clemson, Alabama, or whatever fans for something other than their overall douchebaggyness.




New England 52 Washington 7

Summary- On the Patriots first drive, Brady underthrew Wes Welker in the endzone. What a jerk! I would have won my fantasy game this week if that idiot could learn how to throw the football. Then he's arrogant enough to run it in himself? And then the defense gives up a touchdown while the lead is only 52!!! That really pissed me off since I wagered Pats -49. Honestly, it was a nice win, only tarnished by the hat Brady wore in his post game interview (it's still better than the one Junior Seau wears; most recently in his ESPN interview. The only way I can describe it is it looks like a hat a gay train conductor would wear. Seriously when I saw him wearing it for the first time I thought: "how did this gay train conductor get into the Patriots locker room," no joke. (note: I tried to find a picture but couldn't, any help would be appreciated)). And to those of you who bitch about running up the score: these people are professionals, if you don't like having the score run up on you then stop them. Most of the ex-players I heard interviewed (including Mike Ditka) had zero problem with this.

Excitement Level- 2 confiscated spy tapes out of 5. Ho-hum, the Patriots win by 45. I guess this sets up ARMAGEDDON for next week which will be interesting, I suppose...

F U Level- 1 Bill Belichick extramarital affair out of 5. This game was nothing different from what the Patriots did all year. It gets one point because now that I'm on Freglomerica I can't make fun of Ted for his 'Skins getting the shit kicked out of them. Here's how I think it would go down-

Me: Hey Ted, your team is of poor quality compared to the AFC.
Ted: Your team's the one with... the sh..shell on it...
Doug: Ya' got that?
Ted: Shut up, Richard.

Boston 4 Colorado 3 (Red Sox sweep World Series)


Summary- This game was actually pretty exciting, it had a lot of nice subplots (especially Lester) but even if the Rockies pulled it out it was a dead certainty that Josh Beckett throws a one-hit shutout in Game 5 so I was never that nervous.

Excitement Level- 5 Tina Cervasio handjobs out of 5. I've been kind of numb since the Series ended. I know that I'm excited but I don't really feel it. I think after Game 6 of the ALCS I was all excited out but it will probably hit me in a couple days.

F U Level- 5 awkward postgame interviews with ownership out of 5. Take that Yankees fans. You suck. And to all of you who are like, "the Red Sox are the new Yankees." Quit. Seriously just quit. Drive home, draw yourself a bath, get in, and then slit your wrists.

Recently everyone's been saying how good it is for Boston right meow and I agree, it is good. But it seems like everyone forgets that in 2004 the Sox and Pats won it all. That year was especially great for me because Coach Calhoun guided the Huskies to their second championship by beating pedophile Mike Kyrlkjfdsfasdlkjzski in the Final Four. So this year is shaping up to be great but it has a loooong way before it tops that year.


*I shit you not it just took me 5 minutes to figure out how to spell "lose." I really couldn't remember. I was trying out "loos", "loose" whatever. I even tried to convince my self that "loss "can also be pronounced "lose." What the hell, I have a journalism degree. That was really weird. Now I'm going to be second (cekond? seekont?) guessing myself for the rest of this article...

Don't Fly to Boston, Ever.

I'm still not sure who sucks larger amounts of ass. JetBlue(majority owned by the Antichrist) or MassTransit(the group of assholes that let a drunken leprechaun map out the roads, public transit, and taxi cabs of Boston). My advice, fly to Providence and drive, it's faster. So here are my issues and requests:
Jetblue - Please stop be such dirty, whorish liars. Just stop lying, please. You should get a 3 by 5 note card and write on it, "Stop Lying and Don't Steal Anything." Then keep that notecard in your pocket so that when you are lying to your customers and brazenly stealing profits--by cutting seats, overbooking, and underscheduling pilots-- you'll feel that card and take it out and read it. Then maybe, just maybe, you'll stop actively screwing your customers. Last night I was on Flight 1260, departing at 8:50PM out of Dulles heading to Boston. LIES! Those monkeys delayed us for 2 hours, claiming weather issues, yet Logan airport had no issues on their hotline or website. Then, this is the good part. the Jetblue guy(angel of death) gets on the mic and says, "ladies and gentlemans, we are sorry to inform you that Logan Airport is currently closed to incoming traffic. The flight is not canceled, and we will keep you informed as to any changes. If you would like to change your flight to tomorrow, you can do so at no charge." Now I'm thinking that sounds like the smart idea. They have been stringing us along for two hours already, the airport is closed, even if I do get there, it'll be 1 or 2 in the morning before I do. So, I switch the flight.
Fast forward TEN SECONDS.
CHEERING!!! APPLAUSE!!! PEOPLE HUGGING AND KISSING!!!
Holy crap they are boarding the plane. I call Logan Airport, no delays, never closed the airport. ARE YOU SURE?!?!?!?! Yes sir, if the airport was closed I think we'd know about it, sir. We are the airport, sir. Sir. Sir.
Those dirty, rotten, cock-sucking, rat bastards tricked me. Tricked us all. What happened is the crew was late or wasn't there or was smoking rocks in the bathroom. They used loose moral standing and an unwillingness to accept responsibility to justify lying about, AN AIRPORT BEING SHUT DOWN.
I'm le tired so I am going to have a nap. Then Maggie is cooking me breakfast, so I'll get to Bostons MassTransit later. You stupid sonofabitch, MassTransit. HA!