Doug is a little bitch

Seeing as Doug wants to punt the fucking country into goddamn Armageddon, I'll put this in terms that he can understand. Pussies.

This is what Doug wants you to think will happen if Hussein is elected:

Fuck that shit. This is a better representation of the Obama Crisis:

Fuck you Doug

Iron My Shirt

Even though this is terrible and sets us back 50 years, Hillary sucks and is the devil in a blue pant-suit.

I'm back and better than ever

Maggies and Gentlemen,

I'm back on the scene. I know that I have been gone for awhile, so put down the tissues and get ready to be slightly offended (just enough to make you laugh uncomfortably). Actually, this may not offend that many people because I would like to make fun of nerds. (a nnnnyerd)
Oh, the glorious pastie, fat, pimply, yet somehow better than you nerd.
Today I am driving to work and some crazy asshole throws the blinker on and swerves into my lane, cutting me off. (cutters) Then, get this, SLOWS DOWN TO THE SAME SPEED AS THE GUY IN THE OTHER LANE. Oh dear Lord, I hate this guy and everything he stands for or pretends to believe in. Here is the breakdown of why I hate this fat assmonkey.
License Plate : BDGAMER (board gamer)
Bumper Sticker: Board Games Bring People Together. At least some of us.
Halitosis : Severe
Weight : One million metric tons
Car : Prius
Sex Life : Right Handed
Ability to impress others: none
Chances of survival in the wild: zero

Now the baby's upset. So this jerk has cut me off, granted I was speeding, and is now blocking me from moving forward. Then I see the other guy. Holy crap:
License Plate : DNDMSTR (D&D Master)
Bumper Sticker: Nerds make the world wide web go-round.
Halitosis : Moderate to Severe
Weight : A single metric ton
Car : Subaru Fiero? (the camaro one)
Sex Life : ambidextrous (makes him a real playa in Nerdville)
Ability to impress others: none
Chances of survival in the wild: one

So I politely blast my horn and start screaming obscenities at the top of my lungs. Now, normally I would start swerving erratically and flashing my lights, but BDGAMER slows down and gets in the right lane. He looks over to me as I pass him and mouths, "Fuck you meathead" or butthead.
Now here's the thing kiddos, what really pissed me off, was that he cut me off and yet is somehow taking the moral high ground because I "bullied" him with my horn. Here's an idea.....Learn How To F'ing Drive like a man. We are not riding chariots through the World of Warcraft shooting arrows at Orcs and Goblins, or playing tummy sticks with Harry Potter, we are driving at seventy miles an hour in a REAL car on a REAL road when I am REALLY late to my REAL job so I can afford my lovely REAL girlfriend and her REAL shopping issues. Just because you can still do long division, still remember your homeroom teacher, still have your yearbook next to your bed, and can beat me in a board game by casting imaginary spells, does NOT make you a better person than me. Okay, so some jerk took your lunch money, sorry, wasn't me. I would have, but it wasn't me. So take the Hillary 08 and Drive Green bumper stickers off your car, take a shower, throw the games in the garbage and do what normal losers do. Go to a bar alone, drink alone, and go home alone. Take you're better-than-you-because-I-am-smart-and-drive-a-Prius-and-like-dudes attitude and stick it up your ass. Nerds will inherit the earth? No, Bill Gates did, Steve Jobs did, You Did Not.

Please tell me your kidding

It was recently brought to my attention that some of you pinko, commie, left-wing nutjobs have begun to blame someone for the fires in California. Wait for it.....wait for it....Bush!!!! Burning Bush!(again, too easy)
Come on people. I get it, you think that you are smarter than GWB. Is that why you were elected President. Or is that why you spend your days serving coffee to pricks that order "venti double whipped low-fat soy mocha lattes" every morning at seven-fifty a sip? And then have the balls to change your job title from "Moronic High School senior that serves me coffee" to "Barista." Ohhhhhh. You're a Barista! That makes all the difference in the world. Why don't you marry my daughter because lord knows I love me a good French Roast. Yeah, please be part of my family. We can all smoke shitty weed and drink coffee and listen to Norah "the wino" Jones. Then we can talk about our feelings and cut ourselves. It's not my fault that your dad didn't hug you and your mom is bitter that you made her fat. Take the nail polish off and go back to the Community Theatre where someone gives a shit that you think you're smarter than the leader of the most powerful nation in the history of Man.
Ok, so his Dad may have gotten him in to Yale. But guess what? He graduated! And they didn't hand out grades for cash back then. Because the didn't have rich bleeding heart liberals crying to their Daddy because Dr. Smith didn't like their sixth-grade book report on the socio-economic effects of the 6th Harry Potter book. Kiss my ass you morons. By the way, I want a LARGE BLACK COFFEE, not an Venti Drip. Venti Drip sounds like something that my grandfather may have contracted in Italy during the Second Great War, god rest is Irish soul. Yes, my grandfather served his country and loved it, but would punch you in the face if you told him that black coffee was now a Venti Drip. Miss you Pops.

Silly Hillary and her dental surgery.

Hillary thinks bill is romantic for buying her a gift that reminded him of teeth
By the by, when you open this article try not laugh when you read the title that the actual author came up with.

Attention Liberals!

You will not be able to vote for Bill Clinton next year! I know that many of you get sexually excited when you see the name Clinton on the ballot, but please remember that your voting for Hillary "I eat babies for breakfast because I hate freedom and have absolutely no idea how to run a country" Rodham Clinton. I repeat, you're not voting for Bill. I sort of understand where you are coming from. We all did very well during those eight years. But let us not forget the effect of previous administrations economic and foreign policies.(shut up Dougthepunter) I'm not saying that Clinton was bad, I'm just saying that a mans ability to bang fat ugly horse-face women does not qualify him for the presidency. On top of that, pun intended, Hillary did not "stand by her husband in the face of adversity," she lets her husband bang fat chicks because she she can't stop him and she hooked up with Billy Jean King in college. (oops, true story) Either way, Bill knew what he was doing. He had experience. (too easy) But leadership qualities and charisma are not STD's, Hillary doesn't have them. Just because Bill is living in the White House does not mean he will be running the country. Why would he want to? Look what he did last time! If he doesn't have any responsibilities at all, the he'll be knee-deep in fried Bologna sandwiches and large women in no time. Anyway, I figured that I would let you all know that because judging by the recent poles, you morons have no idea what the hell your talking about. Not to mention having no interest in protecting America's borders, economy, foreign policy, taxes, GDP, freedom, or free trips to the salad bar. (Thanks Draws) Just do me a favor, take all of your wishful thinking and aspirations about have a woman president to California and start roasting marshmallows you dirty, stinking hippies. I don't care about what gender the President is, man or woman, just not Hillary. Please not Hillary.