Local Philly woman offers sexual favors to an undercover cop for World Series tix. First off, c'mon lady, haven't we learned our lessons about sexual favors and the Craigslist. Didn't some dude merc some chick that he met on Craigslist. Second, when committing felonies, please make sure that you aren't talking to a cop. I've been to Philadelphia and I'm pretty damn sure that they begin teaching that in middle school. Today class we are going to learn how not to get busted by a Narc! Remember, always check for a wire, and never take her word for it. 15 gets you 20! In a related story, word on the street is that Jeter is willing to S some D's for MVP votes. Food for thought.
Sounds like the French are taking a break from surrendering to plan their roads with amazing hilarity. If you cruise through the article here you'll see what I mean.
So the French have dumped diplomacy in exchange for using city planing to take little jabs at each other. In a classic case of "hold me back"--where you say you're gonna fight someone but in reality you are just praying that your friends will hold you back long enough for the bouncers to throw everyone out of the club, where you continue to scream obscene things as you book it to a cab and thank god you didn't just get the shit beat out of you--two warring cities have placed one way streets that face each other. They outsourced the planning to the great great great grandson of the man that planned the streets in Boston, Seamus the Drunken Dancing Leprechaun the Sixth. Who, coincidentally, used the same tools for the planning of the roads as his predecessor, 18 pints of Guinness, a DUI arrest, an angry Polynesian hooker, a crayon and some construction paper. While I'm at it, since our special teams writer apparently doesn't have enough vacation days from his 'freelance writing' job to read or write this blog, I would like to add this:
Tom Brady is gay. Bill Belichick is a cheating hooker with a sex tape. Manny Rameriz is a lazy bitch. David Ortiz is fat. The Boston Garden is a terrible venue. The long chicken sandwich? It long chicken sucks ass. Special Teams doesn't count. France sucks. Authority is awesome. Bush was a genius. Obama sucks. The sky is green. Ninjas are awesome. Samurais can suck a big one. Steven Seagal is a phenomenal actor. Jim Rome is the best sports commentator ever. Even though you punched me in the face, you still a little bitch. AND I'M GLAD THE WHALERS MOVED!
Suck it bitch. Lets rumble!!! ( I love you, but I need to jumpstart things ) ( But you did punch me in the face)
Doug: pampered pooch pleasantly pooped on the plywood your turn Ted: paraplegic pampered pooch pleasantly pooped on the purple plywood SLAM! Doug: you want to play that way? fine paraplegic pampered pug pooch pleasantly pooped on the purple plywood piano purposely put there by Peter Parker Ted: polly pockets' paraplegic previously pampered pug pooch pleasantly pooped on the purple plywood piano purposely put there by Peter Parker, not peter pan, who previously purchased polly's precocious pug and pretty purple piano HAHAHAHAHA this is the most fun i have had in weeks Doug: you repeat, cheater Ted: i don't get credit for the repeats Doug: ok Ted: shit we need to blog this Doug: polly pockets' paraplegic pampered pug pooch pleasantly pooped on the purple plywood piano purposely put there by Peter Parker, not peter pan, who previously purchased Parker Posey's powerful, potent poster of Paramount's Powder Ted: you dick blog it pleeeeease Doug: i gotta buy Who tickets you do it
Ted and I are jocks and as such it is our job, no our constitutional obligation, to make fun of nerds. (Hey buddy, you get a load of that nerd?) However, deep within every jock there is at least an ounce of nerdom hovering below the surface of our once manly (now overweight) physiques. Today we had an IM conversation in which our inner nerds emerged:
Ted: fuck shit i want to play zelda again fuck shit Doug: your boss still there? Ted: yeah Doug: fucker Ted: now there's two of 'em Doug: uh-oh, they're multiplying Ted:i want to freeze one with my boomarang, then shoot my sword at him, but i'm down a half a heart sucks Doug: beep beep beep beep beep beep Ted: no Doug: beep beep beep beep Ted: just down a half Doug: beep beep oh ok Ted: not TO a half Doug: gotcha Ted: jeez, scared me
Soooooooooo, It just so happens that Derek Jeter isn't good at baseball.
He may be an outstanding team player, fine. They have tons of "outstanding team players" at the special olympics.
Okay, so you say he's the face of the Yankees organization and a "real stand-up guy." Fuck that shit.
First off, Stienbrenner was the face of the organizaiton, and when we all think about Steinbrenner, we think of the back of his head yelling at George Costanza. So ha.
Second, what the fuck is a stand up guy? Richard Pryor was a stand up guy, and I will to bet that he would have been a better shortstop.
The only reason that people think that Derek Jeter is a great baseball player is because they are fucking YANKEES FANS! Which, by nature, makes you a cotton headed ninny muggins. Granted, I believe that there is a secret chemical leaked into the city water that brainwashes people into being "newyoakahs," but until science backs me up, they are just plain dumb.
I'm sure that Doug will punt me some stats to back this shit up. But hey, fuggettaboutit! Right you silly greasy guido fucks? Paint the ceiling, thanks.
Look at this picture. I mean, did he actually say to the camera man, "Hey, I got nothing on A-Rod as far as talent goes, so, could you make me look shiny? Like really really really shiny? Pleeeeeease?!!? Thanks buddy. Don't worry, I'll sign that jersey later. Like right in the middle of the fucking all-star game." Hey Jeter, you should have even been in the dugout. You kinda suck.
There's a scene in Vegas Vacation that has always tickled my funny bone and strangely enough it applies to the current political situation in this country: Chevy Chase is at a cheap buffet with his cousin, Randy Quaid. Chase looks down at two steamer trays, both filled with a revolting, tapioca-like solid/liquid; one is yellow and marked chicken, the other is blue and marked beef. Visibly disgusted Chase points to the yellow tray and says to an attendant, "That's chicken?" To which the attendant replies, "Oh wait, sorry," and promptly switches the signs indicating which dish is which. That's pretty much what politics in this country is like, both options are unappealing, indistinguishable, and sure to back you up for a few days. No matter what "dish" you choose chicken or beef, Republican or Democrat, your screwed.
In my opinion, virtually all politicians in this country (and probably everywhere else) are glad-handing, money-grubbing, spineless, two-faced election monkeys who are more concerned with lining their own pockets with our money, stroking their massive egos, and obtaining power than they are with bettering this country. Yeah, maybe there are a couple exceptions here and there but the general rule is politicians are the scum of the earth. It's that simple. To borrow a phrase from Happy Gilmore, "Blue Jacket. Red Jacket. Who gives a shit?" They're all pretty much the same thing. Until we make it easier for other parties to get the same recognition that the D's and R's get (and give Americans a choice) nothing is going to change drastically. So go ahead, work yourself into a tizzy about Obama or McCain or whoever but keep in mind that it doesn't really matter. In my opinion, they're both pretty decent choices compared to the laughable candidates of elections past. Both seem like honest and well-intentioned Americans. I'm leaning towards Obama because at least he seems like a change from the ordinary and so far, in my life, the ordinary has fucking sucked donkey balls. The End.
I first heard of this story a couple weeks ago and didn't really pay it much attention but now it's getting some more coverage and since it concerns America I figured it was time for me to weigh in.
Becky Hammon is one of the best players in the WNBA (so she would be riding the pine on any decent men's high school team) but she didn't make our Olympic team. So what did the South Dakota native do? Why agree to play for the Ruskies, that's what. Since Hammon plays in a Russian pro league during the WNBA offseason she has been granted dual-citizenship, which has allowed her to play for Russia in the Olympics.
Frankly, I'm pretty disgusted at Hammon. Some people might defend her saying that she just wants to realize her Olympic dream but I have a couple problems with that: First, basketball isn't like gymnastics or swimming or something that people only really pay attention to in the Olympics so I don't really feel bad about her not "realizing her Olympic dream." Second, say she were playing for Morocco or Barbados or Brazil or any other country besides Russia then this wouldn't be that big a deal. I know the Cold War is over but Russia is still one of our main rivals in the Olympics so I think her actions are inexcusable. Finally, and most importantly, aren't most people's Olympic dreams rooted in some sort of national pride? Isn't that the point? To bring USA the gold? I like to think so, at least.
So has Hammon turned her back on her country? Definitely. Has she disgraced herself? Most certainly. Should she be booed by the three dozen fans at every WNBA game? Absolutely. But is she, as the USA coach called her, a traitor? No. I don't think the T-word can be applied in this situation because that's about as low as you can go. In fact I think treason (real, serious, no-joke treason; not I-don't-think-getting-tangled-up-in-the-Middle-East-is-a-good-idea "treason") is probably the only crime that deserves capital punishment so I'm not a big fan of just throwing that word around. Still Hammon really needs to get her priorities straight. She's an American who grew up with all the privileges and responsibilities that that entails so I think it's pretty disrespectful to compete for Russia in the Olympics.
Also if Russia beats USA for the Gold then I say she loses her American citizenship. Seriously. She should be allowed in the country to play in the WNBA but she can spend her winters in Siberia if she loves Russia so freaking much.
I like Tiger Woods, I really do but the on-air fawning for the guy over the weekend at the U.S. Open was unbearable. In case you weren't paying attention Tiger had arthroscopic knee surgery two months ago and looked like he was in some pain while playing well enough to force an 18-hole playoff with Rocco Mediate (which will take place today at noon). Unfortunately the NBC announcing crew took exaggeration and hyperbole to a new level, with Johnny Miller declaring that what Tiger was doing was more impressive than what Willis Reed and Kirk Gibson did. Umm, did I miss something here? Are we now saying that golfers are as tough as athletes who play actual sports? Here are the reasons why I think Tiger's knee injury have been blown way, way out of proportion:
-Secondly golf is probably the least strenuous sport that receives major coverage in the USA (I'm not counting the racing car pageants). When 80 year-olds can do the same thing as the world's best in a sport (albeit on a much lower level) then that sport isn't that physically demanding. This isn't to take away from the skill and preparation involved with golf just that the strain it puts on one's body is considerably less than every other major sport. (Yes, even baseball and even fat pitchers. Could you imagine if an 80 year-old tried to throw a pitch, I mean really tried to throw one, he'd probably tweak/strain/break every ligament/muscle/bone in his body).
-Thirdly athletes in other sports have arthroscopic knee surgery all the time and get much less time than two months to recover. Here is an excerpt from an article from Suns.com about Amare Stoudemire and his arthroscopic knee surgery: “It was a routine procedure," General Manager Steve Kerr said. "Everything that the doctor expected to see is exactly what he saw. Amaré is coming down Thursday and starting rehab immediately. We expect to see him back on the court in two and a half to three weeks. There is no reason for concern.” TWO AND A HALF TO THREE WEEKS, and that's not just walking and swinging a club, that's running and jumping on a hard wood floor. Now sometimes normal athletes who have their knee scoped take about two months to return but when they do return they have to do things that are much more physically demanding than what Tiger is doing. From an Orlando Sentinel article: "If he does win after coming back from injury, that's an admirable thing," said Randy Roberts, a history professor at Purdue University who specializes in sports history. "But I don't think the injury is such a big deal. There have been some phenomenal comebacks in sports, but almost every football player probably has similar surgery that Tiger is having. They might be out six-to-eight weeks and come back." There, a historian puts it in it's proper context, it's not that big a deal.
-Lastly the major difference between Woods and Reed and Gibson is the way their respective sports are set up. When it's all said and done Tiger will have competed in the U.S. Open for about 30 straight years. That means he got a chance to play for his sports championship 30 times. Reed and Gibson had much, much fewer opportunities to try to win the title. What I'm saying is that it's a lot more difficult to win a championship in a sport where there is a long, grueling season and then playoffs. That's not Tiger's fault, it's just the way that his sport is.
Let me reiterate that I think Tiger is a hell of a golfer who played very, very well while dealing with some pain. However everyone seems to be acting like this is the most impressive thing to ever happen in the history of sport and conveniently forgetting that hockey players take pucks to the face, get stitched up on the bench, and then go back out on the ice. So let's all take it easy with the Tiger is gutting it out hyperbole and just appreciate the golf he is playing.
As a bonus here are some real injury-related anecdotes that make you, me, and Tiger look like 7 year-old girls at a Hello Kitty birthday party by comparison:
-Jack Youngblood, a linebacker for the Rams in the 1970s, played most of the NFC Championship game on a broken leg.
-Ronnie Lott broke his left pinky finger during the 1985 season and instead of opting for surgery that would've made him miss time he had part of his finger amputated. Let me say that again: instead of surgery Lott had part of his finger cut off so he could keep playing.
-Every professional hockey player, ever (except Jaromir Jagr). These guys are as badass as they come, they don't take crap from anyone, even fans:
-Chuck Bednarik, a two-way player for the Eagles in the 1950s and1960s, broke his ankle in the first half of the second to last game of the 1956 season. Instead of going to the trainer/doctor, Bednarik went to the equipment manager who rigged him a splint made of old shoulder pads and duct tape. Bednarik wore the contraption for the rest of the game and next two weeks without ever telling anyone with medical training about his injury until the season was over. By the way, the Eagles were something like 3-8 at the time of the injury and had no shot at the playoffs. When he finally had doctors look at his ankle it turns out it was a compound fracture and had gotten very badly infected. Now that is one badass motherfucker.
I decided to keep a running diary of today's UEFA Champions League Final. Why? I'm not exactly sure. It was my first foray into the running type of entry and it had its ups and downs (I really lost steam in the second half). Anyway there are a couple good jokes in there and a lot of not so good ones. Get comfortable this is pretty freakin' long. Enjoy. (Also, don't expect my usual flawless grammar, spelling, and punctuation, my apologies).
This pre-game ceremony is pretty amazing, we got dancers, golden domes of some sort, confetti, and mysterious figures in capes. Unfortunately all this pomp is probably going to mean 100,000 Russians will have no food for the next 6 weeks.
Why do little kids come out with the teams. I know it's probably a great thrill for the little 'uns but it's still kinda creepy. What would happen if the NBA did this. I bet KG would be so fired up he'd punch some 6-year-old girl in the face.
Cristiano Ronaldo, rocking the greasy mullet, FAAANNNTASTIC.
Man U's manager is SIR Alex Ferguson. What a fucking loser. I hate nobility
Lubos Michele is your referee and he has a Madonna-esque microphone.
And we’re off…
Wing passes to center, back to wing, back to center, center HOLDS IT, HOLDS IT, HOOOOLDS IT! (sorry couldn't resist).
I should probably mention I'm watching this thing with no sound so all I hear is the clicking of the keyboard, the fat guy in the next office coughing, and C. Ronaldo yelping from 3,000 miles away as he tries to draw a foul.
Not a fan of the lowercase NOB's (name on back) that Cheleas has but their still better than the collar-less Man U kits, totally rec league.
We're three minutes into this thing and not a lot has happened. No real opportunityrtunities for either side. Wait a tic. Nope, nothing just gas. Chelsea has several crosses but their cleared away.
It's just mind blowing to me how far these guys kick the ball.
I fucking hate Wayne Rooney with every fiber of my being. What a typical English prick. Although he does look like a street tough from the 1930s. They don't make people like that no more.
Chelsea's goalie is the guy who wears a rugby helmet (Cech or something), makes him look like a retard.
Our first save of the day. A deflected 20 yarder from the wing. An easy one for Morris the Safety Tortoise (Chelsea's keeper).
Offsides on Chelsea, garbage.
Drogba just got ripped across the face by a Man U defender. Blood on his tongue.
Uh-oh, Man U cross.... cleared away
At the 8-minute mark it’s been a fairly even match thus far. I'd give the slight edge to Man U on posession but a big edge to Chelsea in the lack of faggotry department.
Seriously Morris the Safety Tortoise just sent a goal kick like 80 fucking yards. That is amazing, more impressive than a baseball throw or anything.
One major difference between soccer and most US sports is the necessity to go back to get forward. Actually, no wait, it isn't. I'm retarded.
Lubos reminds us that it is illegal to tug another player’s jersey.
Greasy mullet passes to thug face, back to mullet, Mullet HOLDS IT HOLDS IT HOOOLDSS IT!
A Chelsea striker (Malouda) tries to draw a PK but to no avail.
Man U's goalie looks like a lesbian.
Lots of fancy footwork for Cristiano Ronaldo, all for not as he gently taps it back to another player, 5 yards away.
Same ole same ole at the 13 minute mark.
A Chelsea player is changing his boots on the sideline (YEAH DUDE!)
Lubos runs like a girl. big surprise.
Haven't seen much from Michael Ballack, Ze German. Wait ,there he is. Do you think that he was weary to be dragged so far into the heart of Russia, with unprotected supply lines. Too soon?
Ronaldo just faked the crap out of a Chelsea defender and deliver a cross that was just a tad high. Another Man U player, on the field, claps at his effort. Don't see that much in the USA
Lubos picks up the ball for some reason, sorry I blacked out there for a minute or two.
Corner for Man U at the 18.24 mark. Big opportunity.
here it is, too far out, and it is cleared into touch by Chelsea.
C. Ronaldo gets mugged on the sideline and he has a shit-eating grin on his face. Looks exactly like Tony Montana's friend in Scarface. It's kinda creepy
A poor free kick that is cleared
Uh-oh. A head to head collission around midfield. Wait, not at all. Chelsea player and Paul Scholes went up for the ball and Scholes gave him a fore arm to the back of the head. Then on the way down his face hit Chelsea player’s boot and he is bloody. Rooney tries to start shit with the entire Chelsea team but backs off like a little bitch. Scholes is booked, rightfully so. He's being attended to on the side lines.
On a long cross in a Man U defender, unnecessarily heads it out on the end line, dangerous, the keeper had a clear path to the ball
The corner is 6 inches too high and Chelsea striker barely gets a head on it.
Still in awe of how far they kick it.
Scholes is back, fag.
More fancy footwork from Greasy Mullet Ronaldo but the 1-2 pass is too far ahead of him and he goes out into touch.
A Man U player starts warming up on the sidelines. He's wearing black warm ups yet he still puts on a green pinny. I don't think there was any chance he would be confused as a player without the pinny.
Opportunity for man U, Chelsea hits it OB. here's the throw in the corner.
A CROSS AND A SCORE!!! Morris the Safety Tortoise didn't even react. That was really weird. 25 Minutes.
It was Ronaldo with the goal. A perfect cross from Man U player to Ronaldo on the far post and perfect header right on the post. Morris the Safety Tortoise reacted but didn't dive. At first i thought it was offsides or something. No announcers is tough
Michael Ballack looks like a Whalberg. Seriously I’m expecting to get into Rooney’s face and say (with a German accent, of course), “Blow me, all right? But not literally, though. Unfortunately, there's no promotion involved for you.”
That goal puts Ronaldo third in on the single season goal list for Man U, with 42.
That goal was pretty freaking flawless.
Ronaldo doing his ball dance thingy. A CROSS to Ronaldo heads it back center but cleared out by the defense.
TODAY'S GAME IS BROUGHT TO YOU BY SONY.
Drogba is taking a seat, holding his back. He got a bit of a shove in it but doesn't look too bad. he seems to be indicating that he got a knee in th back. The spray is ineffective. Someone really has to investigate that spray thing, what the hell could it be.
there is a booking for Makelele for Chelsea. whoops missed that one.
Possession is 65-35 for Man U, seems about right. Dirk Diggler better get his ass in gear, his giant schwanz won't score any goals for him.
A cross and a header back to Ballack in front of the goal but punched away by Lesbian Keeper.
The corner... is cleared, back in, fucking Rooney, steals it and sends it about 70 yards, cross fields to Ronaldo who sends it to a streaking Man U player, header is saved and cleared very poorly by the defense, a clean shot from the 18 is saved. He is pissed at his defender. Watching him yell with his little helmet on was one the funnies things ever.
Replays show that on Ballack’s chance he didn't head the ball but instead put his forearm on the back of the defenders neck and forced HIM to head the ball. You don't want to fuck around with ZE GERMANS. Seriously that was pretty impressive
GRADE A flop from Cristiano Ronaldo.
They have completed passes and pass accuracy statistics in soccer? I don't think stats really mean anything in a game as free flowing and open as soccer.
A decent opportunity for Chelsea, but well defended and sent backwards, brought back in then eventually cleared.
At the 40 minute mark both teams have had their chances
A Chelsea striker losses his footing outside the 18 and tries to draw a call but to no avail. this Lobos guy is one tough cookie.
HAHAHAHA about 40 yards from the endline a Chelsea player trips over the ball, he wobbled and almost kept his balance but then he went down faster than British naval supremacy in the 20th century. beautiful game my ass.
A beautiful opportunity for Man U a low cross gets by the defender but the striker just whiffs like Pedro Cerrano on a breaking ball
Man U defender and capt. Rio Ferdinand is booked for throwing an elbow. A free kick right outside the 18 for Chelsea (espn tells us 21 meters from goal)
Three players line up behind the ball, and ballack( kicks it clean over everything). I bet at halftime he has this exchange with the manager:
Manager: You suck at free kicks.
Ballack: You don't know what I can do! You don't know what I can do, what I'm gonna do, or what I'm gonna be! I'm good! I have good things and you don't know about! I'm gonna be something! I am! And don't fucking tell me I'm not!
GOOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLLL Chelsea, a through ball is deflected and the keeper gets caught in no mans land, stumbles and can't recover, as Lampard puts it in the back of the net at the 45 minute mark
All started on a bad clearance that was saved by Chelsea, then through ball, controlled by Chelsea, goalie stumbles, Lampard scores.
SNIPER, RONALDO JUST GOT SHOT. He's writing in agony. Back and to the left back and to the left.
Actually that does look painful a slide tackle comes in a little late and catches him square in the side of the shin, catching his ankle on the ground. The offending player is booked.
HALF TIME
And we're back. The Chelsea manager gives Lobos a piece of his mind as they come onto the field.
Dave Roberts is calling the game. Nice of him to take time off from rehabbing for the Giants to fly halfway around the world to call the game. love that guy.
A shameless flop by Paul Scholes, I think he was upset that he didn't get to elbow anyone in the back of the head.
A long Man U cross is cleared out.
A stern picture of some suits watching the game. I think it’s live but it looks like a still photograph, they're all frowning. What’s their problem
Not a whole lot to report at the 50 minute mark. Ronaldo looks as greasy and floppy as ever.
A tackle from behind by Chelsea gives Man U a free kick
AN EGGREEEGIOUS FLOP by Ronaldo, I think Mark e. Mark is going to choke slam this guy.
These benches the guys get to sit on look amazing, their all like captain’s chairs and what not. Star Date SG12…
An opportunity for Chelsea, shot is blocked then kicked out by Man U
Terrible, terrible call by the linesman giving man u a goal kick. It was very clear that the Man U player kicked it out, and the guy was like 2 feet away from it.
30 seconds later the linesman calls offsides on Chelsea, its pretty clear who he has money on.
A dangerous cross in front of the Chelsea net but too high for anyone
Thug Rooney yells at his teammate for not sending it in on the ground. What a dick
Chelsea on the break (2 on 3), pulls up, open shot and clear over the goal. He leaned back
A corner for Chelsea, a defender headed it out in front of his own net ( plays like this happen a lot but it seems pretty dangerous to me; I think a couple weeks ago a guy put one in his own net in a big game)
Chelsea heads the corner into the goal, if the goal was 60 yards high.
Mark E. Ballack with an opportunity from 28 yards, rips it wide. Man U is leading 3 to 1 in shots on target, now that's a good stat
Man U player goes down after he tried to mug a Chelsea player, then he has the audacity to get up in the guys face once he finally gets up
A corner for Chelsea is cleared away
What a flop by Ronaldo, went down like a sack of potatoes
1-2 break for Man U, fails to materialize
Brilliant through ball is misplayed on the end line by Chelsea, missed opportunity.
Lobos feels bad for Ronaldo and finally buys one of the flops.
32 for Man U tries to start shit with Mark E. Mark, I wouldn't mess with him.
Clear handball by Man U goes uncalled.
HAHAHAHA, a hard pass hits a Chelsea player square in the foot and he goes down, good times. (Hanging in a chow line; the most disputed of all the Good Times lyrics).
Man U throws drogba down, cheating ref actually makes the correct call.
The free kick is biked away by Man U.
This one guy for man u has a wispy moustache that Adam Morrison would be proud of.
Chelsea with a shot about 25 yards out, deflected by man u for a corner.
Hopefully something will happen this time and..... no dice, headed OB by Chelsea.
Here we go a break leads to yet another Chelsea corner, I don't know what it is but Chelsea is really putting the pressure on.
But the corner is cleared out harmlessly, surprise
A dangerous pass inside the box is cleared away by Man U and as Chelsea gets ready to reload, defender Rio Ferdinand decides to just sit down.
Rooney and some other Man U guy get into an argument.
Dropkick sent to Chelsea
There's Ferdinand running! You mean he's not dead? wow
Possession outside of Chelsea’s 18 results in a corner kick.
A Chelsea player is down
Holy shit the replay shows that thug 32 just fucking tackle the guy while pulling on his face. Wow that was blatant.
Here comes the meat wagon, wowowowowwow, OH MY GOD.
He's alive, much to the surprise of the stretcher bearers who have never actually ever had to do anything other than scare player’s mothers into thinking their child is dead.
The corner is high, the goalie comes out to get it, misses but Man U hits it out (I think)
Down the other end, a cross misses its target because he fell down
Another man u corner is too high and results in nothing.
Fuck you Wayne Rooney, sorry I lost control there
More flopping.
At the 75 minute mark we've seen a fair amount of chances, a lot of failed corners, several apparent deaths that turned out to be nothing.
They track distances on players now? Joe Cole for Chelsea has run 9310 meters, that's a lot
Chelsea tries to draw a penalty and... it looks like the player has an argument, ferdinand stepped on his foot, although it looked unintentional.
Joe Cole gets popped in the face by a Man U guy. Here's an opportunity for Chelsea and Drogba hits the far post from 25 yards a ways it was perfect, curling in, just out of the lesbian's reach but it was just inches wide
Unlucky, as they say.
Wow , Mark E. Mark is disappointing me with that flop, he ran full speed into 32 and went down like a Spandau prison bitch on Hermann Goering. (What?)
An opportunity for Chelsea, Drogba receives a low cross but fails to put it on net.
With 10 minutes remaining in regulation (do they use that term in soccer?) it seems like a good time to point out that I have no idea what the rules are for extra time. Is it golden goal? Silver goal? Shameful bronze goal? Aggregate or something? So many questions
Man U rips a shot high
An opportunity for Chelsea with a throw in the corner, and it's thrown a way but cleared to Chelsea, Ballack misses a one timer badly, that was very poor
Free kick for Chelsea about 25 yards up the sideline, right side. Big, big play here
A pass to the short man who totally fucks it up and kicks it to Archangel.
4 minutes in regulation, somebody better get a move on quick because I don't have all day here, I leave at five, game over or not.
Joe Cole with a cross but Drogba can't put it on target....again
A late sub for man u, Ryan Giggs is coming in for Scholes. I say doesn't he run like a Welshman, I said doesn't he run like a Welshman. Well he should, he's Welsh
Morris the Safety Tortoise almost misjudges a cross but holds on.
Two 15-minute periods, no golden goal, then penalty kicks. So that's my answer
Joe Cole with an opportunity in the box but the cheating ref calls it out on him. Another bad call.
2 minutes of stoppage time.
I still can't get over those benches, they look amazingly comfortable.
Might be last chance for Man U in regulation. Throw in the corner
Ronaldo doing his dance but his cross finds no one
And we're done with regulation.
Ronaldo seriously looks like he's about to cry. Must be because the extra time is going to run in on his time with a Russian tranny.
They have this commercial where it shows a bunch of 20 something hipsters watching the game in a swanky apartment and they pass their Heniken keg can around on a skateboard. I don't know what they are saying but I bet it's something gay. If I'm ever in a situation like that, please shoot me.
OVERTIME-1
Let me start by saying I'm probably not going to be able to stick around for the rest of the game because quitting time is at 5:00
A sub for Chelsea
Ronaldo down the side line, falls, looks around for a call, realizes he isn't going to get one then hangs his head and runs back.
A chance off the cross bar for Chelsea, a great pass then a little flick to the far post from about 15 feet away hits the crossbar, literally 2 inches from a goal.
Ronaldo with the cross, to no one
The Welshman is bitching about something, looks important.
OK we'll I need to sign off I'll just recap the rest of the game, I guess. sorry.
Another appearance for the stretcher guys (that's 3 thus far)
Some shirtless old guys in the stands.
RECAP
Wow, did I ever miss some important shit. Here’s a brief rundown: Drogba kinda slapped a guy in the second OT (video below) and got sent off so Chelsea was playing a man down. Regardless, they forced penalty kicks. Ronaldo is the only one who misses and it is down to Chelsea’s John Terry to make it (this is where Drogba would usually be kicking). He loses his footing and the ball grazes the outside of the post. Then it’s make, make and then Man U makes but Chelsea misses and the UEFA Champions League Championship (weird?) goes to Manchester United with the final score being 1-1 (6-5 on penalty kicks). Damn, that was a pretty dramatic ending, good thing I’m not a real Chelsea fan otherwise I’d probably shoot myself, that was brutal.
Let’s make this running diary of the UEFA final an annual tradition (I swear it'll be better at it next year). Same bad time, same bad channel.
All that I want to do is get to work in a reasonable amount of time. That's it. Why is that so hard? Oh let me count the ways. The goddamn roads in NoVa are so over congested with Don Juan De Donthaveavisa and retarded bleach blond soccer moms that it takes me 45-60 minutes to travel 12 miles. Why? Because they are dirty, rotten perpetual brake tappers. Oh, is that a shiny rock? Tap the brakes. Is that dwarf riding a unicycle? Tap the breaks. Is that Osama bin Laden have crazy monkey sex with a manic-depressive flying squirrel? Tap the brakes. Here is where it gets bad. What is the scariest thing that a brainless, tongue chewing braketapper can see? SOMEONE TAPPING THE BRAKES!!!! Holy freakin shit. Is that person tapping the brakes?!?! "I better come to a complete and total stop, during rush-hour, in the left lane, 1000 yards away from the other scary braketapper. And while I'm at it, why don't I end womens suffrage, slap a baby, push a cripple out of his powerchair, beat my wife, yell at an old lady, kill Jesus, rape the Easter bunny and pee in the hot tub?" And don't even get me started on the smarmy Asian drivers. Holy hot Christ. My deepest fear in life, my definition of hell, my contrapasso is an 80 year old Asian lady driving an SUV in the rain, at night, while eating, putting on make up, yelling at her 40 grand kids, and talking on the phone. Screw being burned alive, that shit is scary as a mofo.
*Note to any who was offended by this: Get off the fucking road and kill yourself, I need to get to the office. Thanks! =)
Fuck you Doug
