A Monument to Jerky

I think that there should be a monument built to commemorate the role that jerky played in westward expansion. Without the nourishment from dried, salted meats explorers would have had a much more difficult time on their long treks west. There are many monuments that speak to the sacrifices made during westward expansion, but none specifically to the role that jerky played. I think the monument should be placed in the Cumberland Gap where Daniel Boone first blazed a trail through the Appalachians, creating one of the first Anglo-European settlements beyond those mountains.
There were many obstacles to the westward expansion. As in all great explorations, one difficulty that arose was how to keep everyone from starving to death. Throughout time dried, salted meats have been pivotal in exploration because they provided a way for meat to be preserved for a long period of time. Meat provides essential protein and nutrients needed for the strenuous journey through the wilderness. Jerky has been important to exploration for many centuries, but I think that this monument should focus on Daniel Boone and his passage through the Cumberland Gap into Kentucky.
The monument should be placed on the Wilderness Trail—the trail that follows the gap through the mountains—to signify the importance of opening up the road west. The focus, however, is on the dried meat so the monument itself should be of Daniel Boone gazing out over the frontier enjoying some delicious jerky. It should be made of locally quarried stone so that it will not be an eyesore in the surrounding natural beauty. Daniel should be dressed in historically accurate attire with his hand shielding the light from above. In his other hand, he should be holding a piece of jerky while he tears it apart with his teeth. There will also be a plaque that explains what the monument is all about.

“This monument was erected in 2009 to commemorate the pivotal role of jerky to the expansion westward. It was imperative to be able to carry meat that wouldn’t spoil to feed the hungry explorers as they bravely widened the Wilderness Trail through the Cumberland Gap to make it easier for the settlers that followed. Here you see the esteemed Daniel Boone gazing to the frontier ahead. He is enjoying some delicious jerky. This is probably venison jerky as deer are plentiful in these woods.”

I believe that the monument would technically be a national monument because the area in which it should be placed is a National Historical Park. The funding, however, could be raised privately. I would certainly enjoy contributing to such a great landmark, as would other jerky enthusiasts that I know. Also, with some artfully placed advertising I believe we could raise funds from jerky producing companies such as Jack’s Links. Perhaps they could sponsor the monument.

I don't know Lloyd, the French are assholes.

Sounds like the French are taking a break from surrendering to plan their roads with amazing hilarity. If you cruise through the article here you'll see what I mean.

French hosehound does something kinda funny

So the French have dumped diplomacy in exchange for using city planing to take little jabs at each other. In a classic case of "hold me back"--where you say you're gonna fight someone but in reality you are just praying that your friends will hold you back long enough for the bouncers to throw everyone out of the club, where you continue to scream obscene things as you book it to a cab and thank god you didn't just get the shit beat out of you--two warring cities have placed one way streets that face each other. They outsourced the planning to the great great great grandson of the man that planned the streets in Boston, Seamus the Drunken Dancing Leprechaun the Sixth. Who, coincidentally, used the same tools for the planning of the roads as his predecessor, 18 pints of Guinness, a DUI arrest, an angry Polynesian hooker, a crayon and some construction paper.
While I'm at it, since our special teams writer apparently doesn't have enough vacation days from his 'freelance writing' job to read or write this blog, I would like to add this:

Tom Brady is gay.
Bill Belichick is a cheating hooker with a sex tape.
Manny Rameriz is a lazy bitch.
David Ortiz is fat.
The Boston Garden is a terrible venue.
The long chicken sandwich? It long chicken sucks ass.
Special Teams doesn't count.
France sucks.
Authority is awesome.
Bush was a genius.
Obama sucks.
The sky is green.
Ninjas are awesome.
Samurais can suck a big one.
Steven Seagal is a phenomenal actor.
Jim Rome is the best sports commentator ever.
Even though you punched me in the face, you still a little bitch.
AND I'M GLAD THE WHALERS MOVED!

Suck it bitch. Lets rumble!!!
( I love you, but I need to jumpstart things )
( But you did punch me in the face)

Welcome Back.

I know that no one reads this crap anymore, but I am determined to write anyway. I am sitting in class right now and felt the overpowering desire to get some more Freedom, Glory and America in my life. So that's it for now. More to follow.

Fourth of July Aftermath

Independence Day got very interesting for me. Here's a song about it that came from divan inspiration. My apologies to Old Crow Medicine Show and their song "Wagon Wheel."

Heading down south to the land of the sand
Thumbin' my way around Block Island,
Staring at the road, pray to God I see headlights
Been wandering around for five good hours,
Makin' my way through brambles and flowers,
Hoping to Rhodey, I don't see the Felders tonight

Block Island is the place where I'm a heel,
In Block Island I sleep wherever I feel
Hey, Blo-ock Island
In Block Isle I survived the wind and the rain
Next day felt like I got hit by a train
Hey, Blo-ock Island

Running from the warmth of Yellow Kittens
I was born to be the drunkest on the whole island
My belly liked the Coors Lights, I drank some bourbon, too
North country couches kept a-calling me
It wasn't my house so I had to up and leave
But I ain't turning back to see who kicked me out

Block Island is the place where I'm a heel,
In Block Island I sleep wherever I feel
Hey, Blo-ock Island
In Block Isle I survived the wind and the rain
Next day felt like I got hit by a train
Hey, Blo-ock Island

Walking in the morning, wish I had a smoke
Caught a cabbie I knew, he remembered Ted's joke
I was heading east for Old Harbor, thank God he remembered me
And I gotta get a move on fit for the sun
I hear someone yellin' at me
And I know that she's not the only one
And if I die Rhodey
At least I didn't pee

Block Island is the place where I'm a heel,
In Block Island I sleep wherever I feel
Hey, Blo-ock Island
In Block Isle I survived the wind and the rain
Next day felt like I got hit by a train
Hey, Blo-ock Island

News from the Underground

A tired man once told me, "F*ck this, I'm going to sleep." I didn't really understand what he meant until this past weekend. Details forthcoming...

Snakes! Nasty Snakes!

So it turns out that it isn't a great idea to drink snake wine. Yeah, snake wine. Gross. It's some sort of booze, with a fucking snake in it, and some sort of snake eggs, and a few drops of death.



I may or may not have drank some of this evil, evil devil juice on Freedomas Eve (the night before America Day) and there may or may not have been a gay dance party to the song "Brandy." Oops.

Happy Independence Day!

I know I'm a bit early but I'm going to be away for the rest of the week. Hope everyone has a great Fourth of July.

Live Free or Die

I'll go point-by-point so my slack-jawed, mouth-breathing friend can follow along:

-Yes, Virginia was the first British colony in America. Fine, have that title all you want. Colonies are un-American but you want to know what is American? Statehood, and Connecticut, Massachusetts (which then included Maine), and New Hampshire were all states before Johnny-come-lately Virginia decided to join the party.

-New England doesn't have state parks? Really? I guess we should all bow down to Virginia's whopping 34 state parks because that is way too many for the states of New England to match. Oh wait, Connecticut has 61 (SIXTY-ONE!!!!) state parks, which is pretty impressive because it's about 13% of the size of Virginia. Rhode Island, yes Little Rhodey, has 29 state parks. I stopped counting after that. Also New England is the vacation destination for America's elite (Bar Harbor, ME, Newport, RI, Nantucket, MA, Martha's Vineyard, MA, Old Saybrook, CT the list goes on and on...)

-New England gave birth to seven presidents (six and a half really): John Adams, John Quincy Adams, Franklin Pierce, Calvin Coolidge, John F. Kennedy, George Bush, and George Bush jr.

-Yes, Virginia grows tobacco but so does Connecticut and parts of Massachusetts. The Connecticut River valley north of Hartford is known as Tobacco Valley. So don't go thinking that smokers in New England couldn't get their fix if it weren't for Virginia.

-Richmond was never the capital of its own country. Pretending to be a country does not make you a country. I could sit here all day and declare my cubicle a sovereign nation but that doesn't make it so. As far as America is concerned, the south (and my cubicle) were never their own countries.

-You can have the CIA and Pentagon all you want. We have the WWE world headquarters. Suck on that.

-Ted: Virginia was once so big and bad that it consisted of Virgina, West Virginia, Kentucky, Tennessee, North and South Carolina and DC. Again with colonial times. Get it through your head that when Virginia was that big they were just a puppet for a King that lived thousands of miles away. Being subjugated by a monarch isn't exactly something to be proud of...

-Your accents make you sound like brain dead hicks.

-The Redskins have been better over their history than the Patriots but where did the Redskins start their history? In Boston, so your welcome for your football team. Eat it.

New England has much better educational institutions (all the elite boarding schools and colleges are in New England (yeah, I went to college in VA, big mistake)) and is simply smarter.

New England is more wealthy.

New England gave the world the rock bands Boston and Aerosmith.



I hope a lobster chops your balls off.

America Week at Freglomerica

Come one, come all to Freedom, Glory, America's first annual America Week. Independence Day is this Friday so it's a short work week (Freedom!) culminating in shooting fireworks in a needlessly unsafe manner (Glory!) while stuffed full of apple pie and beer (America!). It's during this time of year that I count my lucky stars that I don't live in Canada (Canadian beer sucks). Anyway here at Freglomerica we'll be doing our best to keep fanning the flames of patriotism with an unprecedented amount of America-related content. Enjoy!

What can Vegas Vacation tell us about American politics?

There's a scene in Vegas Vacation that has always tickled my funny bone and strangely enough it applies to the current political situation in this country: Chevy Chase is at a cheap buffet with his cousin, Randy Quaid. Chase looks down at two steamer trays, both filled with a revolting, tapioca-like solid/liquid; one is yellow and marked chicken, the other is blue and marked beef. Visibly disgusted Chase points to the yellow tray and says to an attendant, "That's chicken?" To which the attendant replies, "Oh wait, sorry," and promptly switches the signs indicating which dish is which. That's pretty much what politics in this country is like, both options are unappealing, indistinguishable, and sure to back you up for a few days. No matter what "dish" you choose chicken or beef, Republican or Democrat, your screwed.

In my opinion, virtually all politicians in this country (and probably everywhere else) are glad-handing, money-grubbing, spineless, two-faced election monkeys who are more concerned with lining their own pockets with our money, stroking their massive egos, and obtaining power than they are with bettering this country. Yeah, maybe there are a couple exceptions here and there but the general rule is politicians are the scum of the earth. It's that simple. To borrow a phrase from Happy Gilmore, "Blue Jacket. Red Jacket. Who gives a shit?" They're all pretty much the same thing. Until we make it easier for other parties to get the same recognition that the D's and R's get (and give Americans a choice) nothing is going to change drastically. So go ahead, work yourself into a tizzy about Obama or McCain or whoever but keep in mind that it doesn't really matter. In my opinion, they're both pretty decent choices compared to the laughable candidates of elections past. Both seem like honest and well-intentioned Americans. I'm leaning towards Obama because at least he seems like a change from the ordinary and so far, in my life, the ordinary has fucking sucked donkey balls. The End.

Who's ready for some unabashed jingoism?

I first heard of this story a couple weeks ago and didn't really pay it much attention but now it's getting some more coverage and since it concerns America I figured it was time for me to weigh in.

Becky Hammon is one of the best players in the WNBA (so she would be riding the pine on any decent men's high school team) but she didn't make our Olympic team. So what did the South Dakota native do? Why agree to play for the Ruskies, that's what. Since Hammon plays in a Russian pro league during the WNBA offseason she has been granted dual-citizenship, which has allowed her to play for Russia in the Olympics.

Frankly, I'm pretty disgusted at Hammon. Some people might defend her saying that she just wants to realize her Olympic dream but I have a couple problems with that: First, basketball isn't like gymnastics or swimming or something that people only really pay attention to in the Olympics so I don't really feel bad about her not "realizing her Olympic dream." Second, say she were playing for Morocco or Barbados or Brazil or any other country besides Russia then this wouldn't be that big a deal. I know the Cold War is over but Russia is still one of our main rivals in the Olympics so I think her actions are inexcusable. Finally, and most importantly, aren't most people's Olympic dreams rooted in some sort of national pride? Isn't that the point? To bring USA the gold? I like to think so, at least.

So has Hammon turned her back on her country? Definitely. Has she disgraced herself? Most certainly. Should she be booed by the three dozen fans at every WNBA game? Absolutely. But is she, as the USA coach called her, a traitor? No. I don't think the T-word can be applied in this situation because that's about as low as you can go. In fact I think treason (real, serious, no-joke treason; not I-don't-think-getting-tangled-up-in-the-Middle-East-is-a-good-idea "treason") is probably the only crime that deserves capital punishment so I'm not a big fan of just throwing that word around. Still Hammon really needs to get her priorities straight. She's an American who grew up with all the privileges and responsibilities that that entails so I think it's pretty disrespectful to compete for Russia in the Olympics.

Also if Russia beats USA for the Gold then I say she loses her American citizenship. Seriously. She should be allowed in the country to play in the WNBA but she can spend her winters in Siberia if she loves Russia so freaking much.

Beat LA!

I'm back from the coast and figured I should put something up so people don't think this site is defunct. Just to make it clear we're not defunct, just very, very lazy. That's all.


2 wins down, 2 to go.