Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Scattered thoughts on tonight's hoops

#1 UConn vs. #20 Syracuse- 7 pm, ESPN- The Orangemen will try to dethrone the top-rated Huskies on their own turf. Coach Calhoun's team features four talented guards (two of which are super athletic and lightning-quick), a double-double machine at power forward, and a 7-3 monster from Tanzania in the middle. They have some serious talent but their lack of a true three-point shooter hurts their ability to pull away from teams. The Huskies instead rely on being bigger, faster, stronger, and more talented then there opponents. Jim Boeheim will no doubt break out his vaunted zone and try to force UConn to shoot over the top of them but, as we all know, ZONE DEFENSE IS FOR PUSSIES. Guards Kemba Walker and Jerome Dyson will slice through it, big Jeff Adrien will power through it and Hasheem Thabeet will simply dunk over it.

#3 UNC vs. #4 Duke- 9 pm, ESPN
- I can't describe to you how much I hate the Duke Blue Devils. Whether it's their pedophile-looking coach or there insistence on only recruiting little, white tryers who can only shoot, flop, whine to the refs, and look like they have downs-syndrome Duke pisses me off to no end. Old white guys love Duke because they "play the game the right way" (translation: aren't able to dunk),"hustle" (translation: not talented), and "fundamentally sound" (translation: white). These same old white guys decry the "thugs" (translation: tattooed people) who are "selfish" (translation: dunk) and "don't have respect for the game" (translation: black). Hey, old white guys (Dickie V. I'm looking at you), I don't want to generalize but chances are that you are a racist. Also, I'm sick of all the dick-sucking for these Cameron Crazies, why does the TV camera angle at Duke have to be different than at all other 300+ basketball schools? What fucking TV executive decided that TV viewers don't want to see the coach and the bench but rather 2,000 painted-blue losers who have way, way too many choreographed cheers and dances. Seriously, all you "Duke fans" (translation: racists) get a life.

Monday, February 9, 2009

I'm back, bitches

OK, so it's been about six months since Freglomerica last exploded into your brain. In the interval a lot of very fascinating stuff has happened to your intrepid punter. And by "a lot of very fascinating stuff" I mean alcohol and by "has happened" I mean poisoning. Kinda, seriously, call my mom, she'll tell you. A lot has also gone down in the grand scheme of things. Let's check the scorecard:

-America elected its first black president: +20 points.
-Said president is a Democrat: -5.
-Democrats are just as frustrating/annoying/bad at governing as Republicans: -15.
-Red Sox make the playoffs without Manny: +3.
-Red Sox make it to the ALCS sans Manny: +5.
-Red Sox lose to Devil Rays in ALCS without Manny: -5.
-Manny absolutely murders the NL: +5.
-Manny carries Dodgers to NLCS: +5.
-Manny loses to Phillies, setting up Philly vs. Tampa for the World Series: -6.
-Manny still isn't signed and people are acting like he's Hitler: -10.
-Holy Taco breaks ground on new stadium: +10
-Patriots get set to avenge Super Bowl loss: +2.
-Tom Brady's knee explodes seven minutes into first game: -a billion.
-Pats gut out an 11-5 season but miss playoffs: 0.
-Peyton Manning wins MVP but loses in first round, the story of his life: +5.
-Cardinals make the Super Bowl: +4.
-But lose to hated Steelers: -6.
-Sarah Palin names child after Bristol, CT because that's where ESPN is headquartered: Mrs. Palin, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Final tally: +12 minus a billion??

Anyway, this is not a complete scorecard so I expect to update this shortly. Let it be known that Doug the Punter is back and blogging. Shout it from the rooftops, kids. And if I stop writing then feel free to make fun of me in the comments in the most personal, degrading way possible. We're all in this together.