Saturday, December 12, 2009

New England Patriots Mascot Caught In Sex Sting.

Fox News is reporting that the man in the Pat the Patriot uniform was picked up in a prostitution related sex sting that netted 13 individuals. The man, from Warwick, was arrested at a hotel where he was apparently banging a hooker. Rhode Island recently passed a law that makes all prostitution a misdemeanor, where previously "indoor prostitution" was legal. They have closed the legal loophole and the legs of a bunch of freakin' hookahs. When asked how it felt to be part of a sex sting the man replied, "Sex Sting? Is that why it burns when I pee?" No sir, that is the clap.

Friday, December 4, 2009

It's like water, only colder

So it's snowing in Texas today, which is, as far as I know, a sign of the coming apocalypse. They has been a run on the grocery stores to stock up on supplies. But here in Texas they tend to stock up on Budweiser, brisket and jerky as opposed to the standard water and bread. I'm scared too, but for different reasons. Driving.
The drivers here are freaking terrible. They smash into eachother with reckless abandon even when the pavement is clean and dry. Add rain, and you have a virtual clusterfuck of catastrophic collisions. Pileups, even piledowns--which are a nightmare. Add snow? I think the fucking world might end. So, I am fully stocked up on Budweiser, brisket and jerky and I am sitting on the front porch with an unlit molotov cocktail and shotgun. BRING IT.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

Its been a long month

But this makes me feel so good.

Sunday, November 8, 2009

Fail to the Deadskins

Worst football team in the history of the game. More to come.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Friday, October 30, 2009

This hour does not count and I demand compensation

This Saturday night/Sunday morning is the HOUR THAT DOESN’T COUNT. For those of you who are unfamiliar with how to spend the HOUR THAT DOESN’T COUNT, I have two things to say to you 1) kill yourself and 2) umm, actually I guess it was only one thing. The HOUR THAT DOESN’T COUNT is probably the greatest thing that has ever happened to anyone, anywhere. There is literally an hour that doesn’t exist that runs from 1 am to 2 am. At 2 the clock is set back to 1 so that hour never existed so there are no fucking rules. NONE. You can do whatever, which presents us with one small problem. What to do with your time. Ahh, the paralysis of choice. Luckily, your friend Doug the Punter has returned to guide you, the intrepid reader, through the HOUR THAT DOESN’T COUNT. The choices are many, actually four. A list, in order of least awesome to most awesome.

4) Drink so much you throw up.

On the surface this appears to be a fine idea. Who doesn’t like to toe the line between blacked out and alcohol poisoning? However, there is one problem. If you’re drinking hard you should have probably puked before 1 am. Puking early on is the number-one key to a great time because not only will you be able to drink a ton more after you throw up, you will feel better (I promise) AND you won’t have to work out the next day. It is your classic win-win-win. So if you decided to waste some of the hour that doesn’t count in the bathroom puking you’ve already lost, it’s only 60 minutes goddamnit.

3) Call your ex.

Always a fan favorite. This one is pretty self-explanatory. It’s the HOUR THAT DOESN’T COUNT, remember? Call her up and tell her your sorry you threw up on her at her sister’s wedding (although it was really her fault, she should have known better to let you near the open bar). Tell her that the doctor gave you prescription deodorant so that shouldn’t be an issue anymore. Tell her you got your stomach stapled. OR you can go in the other direction and tell her off. The choice is yours. Either way you don’t have to feel bad about drunk-dialing your ex when you wake up the next day because it was the hour that doesn’t count.

2) Eat so much you throw up.

Not to be confused with drinking so much you throw up. This is entirely different. During the hour that doesn’t count find as much food as you can and put it in your mouth. Just eat until you think you hate yourself. Now you’re asking me, “Say Doug, what do I do now that I just ate $70 worth of food?” Well, there are two options. You can either A) pass out with half a crab Rangoon hanging from your lip and your hair styled with BK Stacker sauce or B) make yourself throw up. I strongly recommend option B because since you threw up during the HOUR THAT DOESN’T COUNT it means that you don’t have an eating disorder/serious problem. Don’t you fucking judge me.

1a) Hit on chicks like there is no tomorrow.

I am not the smoothest person with the ladies but for one hour out of every year I’m like Miles fucking Davis. Why? I’ll let you in on my secret. THIS HOUR DOES NOT COUNT. Top this fact off with the fact that chicks think the hour that doesn’t count is the funniest/greatest pickup line ever. Tell a chick they should go home with you because it’s the hour that doesn’t count and she will. I promise. If it doesn’t work, you’re welcome, because that chick is a dude. I don’t know what it is but somewhere in the chick brain the hour that doesn’t count makes perfect sense; they love it. Top it off with this year it falling on Halloween and it’s the fucking 50-year storm. Bode would be proud.

1b) Beat your children.

Because you know they deserve it. If your spouse complains, beat them. It’s the HOUR THAT DOESN’T COUNT. It’s all legal, I promise, some guy I knew told me.

Anyway I wish each and every one of you success this year.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Tuesday, October 27, 2009

Just so you know, RICK is struggling in the soft economy as well. Note that he is up in after hours trading. Shocker.

RICK - Rick's Cabaret Int'l, Inc (NASDAQ)

7.91 -0.11‎ (-1.31%‎) Oct 27 4:00pm ET
7.92+0.01‎ (0.13%‎) After Hours
Open: 8.03
High: 8.04
Low: 7.85
Volume: 51,985
Avg Vol: 62,000
Mkt Cap: 72.07M

Penn State Students Go Batshit Crazy Over T-Shirt

Penn State students slowly come unraveled over a T-Shirt that loosely resembles a cross. I can see that there is a resemblance to a cross, but I find it hard to believe that there is enough of a scramble on campus for this article to land on FOXNEWS.COM. It just seems ridiculous that there are actually people at this school that refuse to purchase the shirt because they feel like it has a religious undertone. "oooohhhh scaaarrryyy. The school is trying to cast a crazy christian spell over us!!!!" Seriously people, there is no way that the cross is intentional religious branding in this day in age. Especially at a place like Penn State. Just because you're pre-law doesn't mean that you need to make a stink about every goddamn thing that takes place on campus.
Oh NO!!! My mashed potatoes look like a Star of David. NOOOOOO!!! The Jews have invaded my Irish Cuisine!!!!! Fuck you morons.
Woman Accused of Offering Sex for World Series Tickets

Local Philly woman offers sexual favors to an undercover cop for World Series tix. First off, c'mon lady, haven't we learned our lessons about sexual favors and the Craigslist. Didn't some dude merc some chick that he met on Craigslist. Second, when committing felonies, please make sure that you aren't talking to a cop. I've been to Philadelphia and I'm pretty damn sure that they begin teaching that in middle school. Today class we are going to learn how not to get busted by a Narc! Remember, always check for a wire, and never take her word for it. 15 gets you 20!
In a related story, word on the street is that Jeter is willing to S some D's for MVP votes. Food for thought.

Friday, October 23, 2009

A Monument to Jerky

I think that there should be a monument built to commemorate the role that jerky played in westward expansion. Without the nourishment from dried, salted meats explorers would have had a much more difficult time on their long treks west. There are many monuments that speak to the sacrifices made during westward expansion, but none specifically to the role that jerky played. I think the monument should be placed in the Cumberland Gap where Daniel Boone first blazed a trail through the Appalachians, creating one of the first Anglo-European settlements beyond those mountains.
There were many obstacles to the westward expansion. As in all great explorations, one difficulty that arose was how to keep everyone from starving to death. Throughout time dried, salted meats have been pivotal in exploration because they provided a way for meat to be preserved for a long period of time. Meat provides essential protein and nutrients needed for the strenuous journey through the wilderness. Jerky has been important to exploration for many centuries, but I think that this monument should focus on Daniel Boone and his passage through the Cumberland Gap into Kentucky.
The monument should be placed on the Wilderness Trail—the trail that follows the gap through the mountains—to signify the importance of opening up the road west. The focus, however, is on the dried meat so the monument itself should be of Daniel Boone gazing out over the frontier enjoying some delicious jerky. It should be made of locally quarried stone so that it will not be an eyesore in the surrounding natural beauty. Daniel should be dressed in historically accurate attire with his hand shielding the light from above. In his other hand, he should be holding a piece of jerky while he tears it apart with his teeth. There will also be a plaque that explains what the monument is all about.

“This monument was erected in 2009 to commemorate the pivotal role of jerky to the expansion westward. It was imperative to be able to carry meat that wouldn’t spoil to feed the hungry explorers as they bravely widened the Wilderness Trail through the Cumberland Gap to make it easier for the settlers that followed. Here you see the esteemed Daniel Boone gazing to the frontier ahead. He is enjoying some delicious jerky. This is probably venison jerky as deer are plentiful in these woods.”

I believe that the monument would technically be a national monument because the area in which it should be placed is a National Historical Park. The funding, however, could be raised privately. I would certainly enjoy contributing to such a great landmark, as would other jerky enthusiasts that I know. Also, with some artfully placed advertising I believe we could raise funds from jerky producing companies such as Jack’s Links. Perhaps they could sponsor the monument.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Russian Ice-Skating Bear Kills His Trainer

Really. I am completely taken back that an ice skating fucking bear killed his trainer.

"BISHKEK, Kyrgyzstan — The director of a circus arena says an ice-skating bear turned on its trainers, killing one and seriously wounding another.
Kurmangazy Isanayev says workers dragged the trainers with a visiting Russian troupe away from the bear following Wednesday's attack, as they were rehearsing for a show in Bishkek.
The exits were then closed and rescue services called in.
Police say they shot the bear dead."

Hardy har har. Here are the key points to this one:

1.) Don't make a fucking bear ice skate
2.) Don't be around a bear, ever. Seriously, they will fucking kill you.
3.) Be extra careful when around a bear and the police at the same time. You'll notice that the police response was to CLOSE THE EXITS, hilariously trapping all the assholes that were in the arena. This was where, by the way, our bloodthirsty ice-skating bear was murdering the shit out of his trainer.
4.) Let us learn something about parenting. If you make your kids do something that sucks, they will turn into a bear and eat your face.
5.) Finally, when shooting bears, please take caution to 'shoot them dead.' Shooting a bear alive is tough if they're already dead, but if they are alive and you shoot them and they are still alive, they often eat your butt to smithereens (Always Sunny reference)

Now that we have covered most of the important points lets take a brief moment to reflect on why no one visits
Kyrgyzstan. Basically, it's probably because no one has any idea where the fuck it is. If they do, they are probably confusing it with Kazakhstan, where Borat was from. Other issues include: Naming cities things like Bishkek. Ice skating bear murderers. Cops that shoot people dead. Skate boarding lion attacks are up 34% this year.

Don't go to
Kyrgyzstan, dick.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

I don't know Lloyd, the French are assholes.

Sounds like the French are taking a break from surrendering to plan their roads with amazing hilarity. If you cruise through the article here you'll see what I mean.

French hosehound does something kinda funny

So the French have dumped diplomacy in exchange for using city planing to take little jabs at each other. In a classic case of "hold me back"--where you say you're gonna fight someone but in reality you are just praying that your friends will hold you back long enough for the bouncers to throw everyone out of the club, where you continue to scream obscene things as you book it to a cab and thank god you didn't just get the shit beat out of you--two warring cities have placed one way streets that face each other. They outsourced the planning to the great great great grandson of the man that planned the streets in Boston, Seamus the Drunken Dancing Leprechaun the Sixth. Who, coincidentally, used the same tools for the planning of the roads as his predecessor, 18 pints of Guinness, a DUI arrest, an angry Polynesian hooker, a crayon and some construction paper.
While I'm at it, since our special teams writer apparently doesn't have enough vacation days from his 'freelance writing' job to read or write this blog, I would like to add this:

Tom Brady is gay.
Bill Belichick is a cheating hooker with a sex tape.
Manny Rameriz is a lazy bitch.
David Ortiz is fat.
The Boston Garden is a terrible venue.
The long chicken sandwich? It long chicken sucks ass.
Special Teams doesn't count.
France sucks.
Authority is awesome.
Bush was a genius.
Obama sucks.
The sky is green.
Ninjas are awesome.
Samurais can suck a big one.
Steven Seagal is a phenomenal actor.
Jim Rome is the best sports commentator ever.
Even though you punched me in the face, you still a little bitch.

Suck it bitch. Lets rumble!!!
( I love you, but I need to jumpstart things )
( But you did punch me in the face)

Monday, August 31, 2009

Welcome Back.

I know that no one reads this crap anymore, but I am determined to write anyway. I am sitting in class right now and felt the overpowering desire to get some more Freedom, Glory and America in my life. So that's it for now. More to follow.

Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Scattered thoughts on tonight's hoops

#1 UConn vs. #20 Syracuse- 7 pm, ESPN- The Orangemen will try to dethrone the top-rated Huskies on their own turf. Coach Calhoun's team features four talented guards (two of which are super athletic and lightning-quick), a double-double machine at power forward, and a 7-3 monster from Tanzania in the middle. They have some serious talent but their lack of a true three-point shooter hurts their ability to pull away from teams. The Huskies instead rely on being bigger, faster, stronger, and more talented then there opponents. Jim Boeheim will no doubt break out his vaunted zone and try to force UConn to shoot over the top of them but, as we all know, ZONE DEFENSE IS FOR PUSSIES. Guards Kemba Walker and Jerome Dyson will slice through it, big Jeff Adrien will power through it and Hasheem Thabeet will simply dunk over it.

#3 UNC vs. #4 Duke- 9 pm, ESPN
- I can't describe to you how much I hate the Duke Blue Devils. Whether it's their pedophile-looking coach or there insistence on only recruiting little, white tryers who can only shoot, flop, whine to the refs, and look like they have downs-syndrome Duke pisses me off to no end. Old white guys love Duke because they "play the game the right way" (translation: aren't able to dunk),"hustle" (translation: not talented), and "fundamentally sound" (translation: white). These same old white guys decry the "thugs" (translation: tattooed people) who are "selfish" (translation: dunk) and "don't have respect for the game" (translation: black). Hey, old white guys (Dickie V. I'm looking at you), I don't want to generalize but chances are that you are a racist. Also, I'm sick of all the dick-sucking for these Cameron Crazies, why does the TV camera angle at Duke have to be different than at all other 300+ basketball schools? What fucking TV executive decided that TV viewers don't want to see the coach and the bench but rather 2,000 painted-blue losers who have way, way too many choreographed cheers and dances. Seriously, all you "Duke fans" (translation: racists) get a life.

Monday, February 9, 2009

I'm back, bitches

OK, so it's been about six months since Freglomerica last exploded into your brain. In the interval a lot of very fascinating stuff has happened to your intrepid punter. And by "a lot of very fascinating stuff" I mean alcohol and by "has happened" I mean poisoning. Kinda, seriously, call my mom, she'll tell you. A lot has also gone down in the grand scheme of things. Let's check the scorecard:

-America elected its first black president: +20 points.
-Said president is a Democrat: -5.
-Democrats are just as frustrating/annoying/bad at governing as Republicans: -15.
-Red Sox make the playoffs without Manny: +3.
-Red Sox make it to the ALCS sans Manny: +5.
-Red Sox lose to Devil Rays in ALCS without Manny: -5.
-Manny absolutely murders the NL: +5.
-Manny carries Dodgers to NLCS: +5.
-Manny loses to Phillies, setting up Philly vs. Tampa for the World Series: -6.
-Manny still isn't signed and people are acting like he's Hitler: -10.
-Holy Taco breaks ground on new stadium: +10
-Patriots get set to avenge Super Bowl loss: +2.
-Tom Brady's knee explodes seven minutes into first game: -a billion.
-Pats gut out an 11-5 season but miss playoffs: 0.
-Peyton Manning wins MVP but loses in first round, the story of his life: +5.
-Cardinals make the Super Bowl: +4.
-But lose to hated Steelers: -6.
-Sarah Palin names child after Bristol, CT because that's where ESPN is headquartered: Mrs. Palin, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Final tally: +12 minus a billion??

Anyway, this is not a complete scorecard so I expect to update this shortly. Let it be known that Doug the Punter is back and blogging. Shout it from the rooftops, kids. And if I stop writing then feel free to make fun of me in the comments in the most personal, degrading way possible. We're all in this together.