I don't know Lloyd, the French are assholes.

Sounds like the French are taking a break from surrendering to plan their roads with amazing hilarity. If you cruise through the article here you'll see what I mean.

French hosehound does something kinda funny

So the French have dumped diplomacy in exchange for using city planing to take little jabs at each other. In a classic case of "hold me back"--where you say you're gonna fight someone but in reality you are just praying that your friends will hold you back long enough for the bouncers to throw everyone out of the club, where you continue to scream obscene things as you book it to a cab and thank god you didn't just get the shit beat out of you--two warring cities have placed one way streets that face each other. They outsourced the planning to the great great great grandson of the man that planned the streets in Boston, Seamus the Drunken Dancing Leprechaun the Sixth. Who, coincidentally, used the same tools for the planning of the roads as his predecessor, 18 pints of Guinness, a DUI arrest, an angry Polynesian hooker, a crayon and some construction paper.
While I'm at it, since our special teams writer apparently doesn't have enough vacation days from his 'freelance writing' job to read or write this blog, I would like to add this:

Tom Brady is gay.
Bill Belichick is a cheating hooker with a sex tape.
Manny Rameriz is a lazy bitch.
David Ortiz is fat.
The Boston Garden is a terrible venue.
The long chicken sandwich? It long chicken sucks ass.
Special Teams doesn't count.
France sucks.
Authority is awesome.
Bush was a genius.
Obama sucks.
The sky is green.
Ninjas are awesome.
Samurais can suck a big one.
Steven Seagal is a phenomenal actor.
Jim Rome is the best sports commentator ever.
Even though you punched me in the face, you still a little bitch.
AND I'M GLAD THE WHALERS MOVED!

Suck it bitch. Lets rumble!!!
( I love you, but I need to jumpstart things )
( But you did punch me in the face)

Putting Spygate to Rest

I haven't addressed Spygate directly since my first post ever on my old blog. (Hell, the controversy was so new at that point that a proper name for it hadn't even been agreed upon) I don't think any events really warranted it because any logical person would realize that videotaping opponents signals crosses an arbitrary line in signal stealing. A stenographer could watch the opposing coach and describe, through writing, what they were seeing, then, if they really wanted to, could make a video of themselves recreating those exact signals. Yeah, it'd be a bit more work, but not much. That is not to say I don't understand the hate that comes the Patriots' way. If it were the New York Jets who got caught breaking the rules then I would be hollering about it too. It's sports you don't need to be logical about it; you can hate anyone for anything and that's fine, again, it's sports. Anyway the reason I'm bringing this up again is because I just came across a piece about the tapes Walsh handed over that was pretty much buried and never mentioned by any sports writer or pundit. Here is the link. If you're too lazy for that here is the pertinent excerpt (emphasis mine):

We don't know for sure whether more tapes ever existed in New England, or how these tapes were broken down and used. But after reviewing the material released by the league, this much is clear: We saw nothing in that video that would allow us as a scouting department to provide a team with an unfair advantage over an opponent.

Yes, preparation time was reduced and film study was streamlined, but not in a way that single-handedly turned the Patriots into one of the premier teams in the league. In the end, the Patriots' success comes down to having better players who make full use of the information provided to them.

So you know this isn't a bunch of yahoos this article was written by Scouts, Inc. A group comprised of mostly former scouts who scout games and player for ESPN so these guys know what they are talking about. Anyway, this closes the book on Spygate for me. When actual scouts say that the "cheating" merely streamlined the scouting process and didn't give a team an unfair advantage then I don't really need to here anything else. Oh, and if you try to play the "it doesn't matter if they got an advantage, they broke the rules" card with me then you clearly have no idea what I'm about (look at my list in the right hand sidebar).

Tiniest Man Imaginable Brings Red Sox Another Ring, and other exciting developments from the weekend

Wow, what a weekend of sports for me, probably one of the best ever. First on Saturday I was in attendance when my UConn Huskies upset South Florida for their first win ever over a ranked opponent, then the Patriots fustigated the Redskins, and THEN the Sox won the World Series. Remarkable. So I'll take it game by game:

UConn 22 USF 15

Summary (in my opinion)- This game didn't even seem this close until the last 5 minutes or so. King Conn was up 16-0 at the half and everything was breaking their way (2 missed FGs, a pick-6, etc...). The Huskies couldn't stop Grothe when he was running the ball in the second half but they finally figured it out on the last drive. On a crucial third and goal from the 2 with about a minute left Grothe ran a naked bootleg but the Connecticut DE stayed home and dropped him for a loss, back to the 10. 4th down? Incomplete. Fans rush the field.

Excitement Level- 4 Motor City Bowl victories out of 5. This was a huge win, no doubt, but it will go for naught if the Huskies lose* to hated Rutgers. Coach Edsall just needs to keep the troops focused each week. The next three games are definitely winnable (Rutgers, at Cincinnati, Syracuse) which could lead up to a defacto Big East title game against West Virginia in Morgantown. I'm trying not to get ahead of myself. One game at a time, Doug, one game at at time...

F U factor (how much this victory allows me to tell others to kill themselves)- 3 pulled-pork barbecue sangwiches out of 5. It's nice to have my college football team do well after spending my college years in the south because now I can mock my friends who are Clemson, Alabama, or whatever fans for something other than their overall douchebaggyness.




New England 52 Washington 7

Summary- On the Patriots first drive, Brady underthrew Wes Welker in the endzone. What a jerk! I would have won my fantasy game this week if that idiot could learn how to throw the football. Then he's arrogant enough to run it in himself? And then the defense gives up a touchdown while the lead is only 52!!! That really pissed me off since I wagered Pats -49. Honestly, it was a nice win, only tarnished by the hat Brady wore in his post game interview (it's still better than the one Junior Seau wears; most recently in his ESPN interview. The only way I can describe it is it looks like a hat a gay train conductor would wear. Seriously when I saw him wearing it for the first time I thought: "how did this gay train conductor get into the Patriots locker room," no joke. (note: I tried to find a picture but couldn't, any help would be appreciated)). And to those of you who bitch about running up the score: these people are professionals, if you don't like having the score run up on you then stop them. Most of the ex-players I heard interviewed (including Mike Ditka) had zero problem with this.

Excitement Level- 2 confiscated spy tapes out of 5. Ho-hum, the Patriots win by 45. I guess this sets up ARMAGEDDON for next week which will be interesting, I suppose...

F U Level- 1 Bill Belichick extramarital affair out of 5. This game was nothing different from what the Patriots did all year. It gets one point because now that I'm on Freglomerica I can't make fun of Ted for his 'Skins getting the shit kicked out of them. Here's how I think it would go down-

Me: Hey Ted, your team is of poor quality compared to the AFC.
Ted: Your team's the one with... the sh..shell on it...
Doug: Ya' got that?
Ted: Shut up, Richard.

Boston 4 Colorado 3 (Red Sox sweep World Series)


Summary- This game was actually pretty exciting, it had a lot of nice subplots (especially Lester) but even if the Rockies pulled it out it was a dead certainty that Josh Beckett throws a one-hit shutout in Game 5 so I was never that nervous.

Excitement Level- 5 Tina Cervasio handjobs out of 5. I've been kind of numb since the Series ended. I know that I'm excited but I don't really feel it. I think after Game 6 of the ALCS I was all excited out but it will probably hit me in a couple days.

F U Level- 5 awkward postgame interviews with ownership out of 5. Take that Yankees fans. You suck. And to all of you who are like, "the Red Sox are the new Yankees." Quit. Seriously just quit. Drive home, draw yourself a bath, get in, and then slit your wrists.

Recently everyone's been saying how good it is for Boston right meow and I agree, it is good. But it seems like everyone forgets that in 2004 the Sox and Pats won it all. That year was especially great for me because Coach Calhoun guided the Huskies to their second championship by beating pedophile Mike Kyrlkjfdsfasdlkjzski in the Final Four. So this year is shaping up to be great but it has a loooong way before it tops that year.


*I shit you not it just took me 5 minutes to figure out how to spell "lose." I really couldn't remember. I was trying out "loos", "loose" whatever. I even tried to convince my self that "loss "can also be pronounced "lose." What the hell, I have a journalism degree. That was really weird. Now I'm going to be second (cekond? seekont?) guessing myself for the rest of this article...