Friday, August 15, 2008

Fourth of July Aftermath

Independence Day got very interesting for me. Here's a song about it that came from divan inspiration. My apologies to Old Crow Medicine Show and their song "Wagon Wheel."

Heading down south to the land of the sand
Thumbin' my way around Block Island,
Staring at the road, pray to God I see headlights
Been wandering around for five good hours,
Makin' my way through brambles and flowers,
Hoping to Rhodey, I don't see the Felders tonight

Block Island is the place where I'm a heel,
In Block Island I sleep wherever I feel
Hey, Blo-ock Island
In Block Isle I survived the wind and the rain
Next day felt like I got hit by a train
Hey, Blo-ock Island

Running from the warmth of Yellow Kittens
I was born to be the drunkest on the whole island
My belly liked the Coors Lights, I drank some bourbon, too
North country couches kept a-calling me
It wasn't my house so I had to up and leave
But I ain't turning back to see who kicked me out

Block Island is the place where I'm a heel,
In Block Island I sleep wherever I feel
Hey, Blo-ock Island
In Block Isle I survived the wind and the rain
Next day felt like I got hit by a train
Hey, Blo-ock Island

Walking in the morning, wish I had a smoke
Caught a cabbie I knew, he remembered Ted's joke
I was heading east for Old Harbor, thank God he remembered me
And I gotta get a move on fit for the sun
I hear someone yellin' at me
And I know that she's not the only one
And if I die Rhodey
At least I didn't pee

Block Island is the place where I'm a heel,
In Block Island I sleep wherever I feel
Hey, Blo-ock Island
In Block Isle I survived the wind and the rain
Next day felt like I got hit by a train
Hey, Blo-ock Island

AhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhHHHHHHHH ... good bye ev-wee-buddy

It is a sad, sad day for me. Mike and the Mad Dog, the greatest radio show sports-related or otherwise ever, has come to an end. Chris "Mad Dog" Russo was let out of his contract by WFAN 660 New York. I remember listening to Mike and Chris pretty much everyday from the time I was six to the time I was 13 in my dad's car on the drive back from school. Whenever I was back within range after that I would make a point to listen to these pioneers of radio. Their style of sports talk radio has been copied by virtually other show out there, to the point that it seems absurd that a sports talk show could take any other format. These guys were so good it didn't matter that they were pretty much always talking about New York sports and I'm a Boston fan.

They were entertaining and engaging. They didn't say outlandish things just to get ratings unlike virtually every other hack radio man. They would spend time talking about boxing matches from 40 years ago or other obscure events and they made them interesting. My favorite thing that they did was when they read a baseball players stats off year-by-year and discussed his hall of fame merit ("That was a ha-yuge year for him, Dog. Ha-yuge."). These guys were so much better than anything WEEI has ever produced. Where WEEI makes me hate sports Mike and Chris made me enjoy them. They were the Cadillac of radio shows and I am truly sad to see them go. Best of luck to them both, from a fan.

Manny and Mike and the Mad Dog leave within two weeks? I should be on suicide watch or something.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

In which Ted and I get alliterative...

Ted: I like alliteration
pampered pooch pooped on the plywood
Doug: pampered pooch pleasantly pooped on the plywood
your turn
Ted: paraplegic pampered pooch pleasantly pooped on the purple plywood
Doug: you want to play that way?
paraplegic pampered pug pooch pleasantly pooped on the purple plywood piano purposely put there by Peter Parker
Ted: polly pockets' paraplegic previously pampered pug pooch pleasantly pooped on the purple plywood piano purposely put there by Peter Parker, not peter pan, who previously purchased polly's precocious pug and pretty purple piano
this is the most fun i have had in weeks
Doug: you repeat, cheater
Ted: i don't get credit for the repeats
Doug: ok
Ted: shit
we need to blog this
Doug: polly pockets' paraplegic pampered pug pooch pleasantly pooped on the purple plywood piano purposely put there by Peter Parker, not peter pan, who previously purchased Parker Posey's powerful, potent poster of Paramount's Powder
Ted: you dick
blog it
Doug: i gotta buy Who tickets
you do it

Friday, August 1, 2008

In which Ted and I expose our inner nerds...

Ted and I are jocks and as such it is our job, no our constitutional obligation, to make fun of nerds. (Hey buddy, you get a load of that nerd?) However, deep within every jock there is at least an ounce of nerdom hovering below the surface of our once manly (now overweight) physiques. Today we had an IM conversation in which our inner nerds emerged:

Ted: fuck shit
i want to play zelda again
fuck shit
Doug: your boss still there?
Ted: yeah
Doug: fucker
Ted: now there's two of 'em
Doug: uh-oh, they're multiplying
Ted: i want to freeze one with my boomarang, then shoot my sword at him, but i'm down a half a heart

Doug: beep

Ted: no
Doug: beep
Ted: just down a half
Doug: beep
oh ok
Ted: not TO a half
Doug: gotcha
Ted: jeez, scared me

Manny Withdrawal Support Group

As I mentioned in my last post there are some burning questions to which I need answers.

How do I treat Jason Bay?

How long do I hold a grudge against ownership/management?

I'm I trying to have my proverbial cake and eat it too?

Why is everyone siding with management?

Is it wrong for us to have that countdown clock?

Am I being a bad fan?

Who does Theo Epstein think he is?

When can I take my Manny jersey off? (hint: never)

When am I allowed to sober up?

I don't know the answers to any of these questions but I'm sure I'll delve into them over the next couple of weeks. Fucking thing, sucks!

Thursday, July 31, 2008

I'm I stupid or is everyone else stupid

I like Peter Gammons, I have nothing but respect for the man but his most recent article on Manny is a total and complete piece of garbage. In it he claims that the Red Sox had no chance whatsoever of making the playoffs with Manny this year. Is he insane? Has he gone senile? He claims that Manny would've held the team hostage for the next couple months with his antics. Oh, I'm sorry he didn't fucking set a record for his hustle to first base against Lackey the other night. It would've really mattered too because the guy after him hit a home run that would've given the Red Sox a 2-1 lead. Oh wait, the sox were losing 6-0 at the time and the next hitter also grounded out.

Gammons also asks this ludicrous question: "Was it worse to take performance-enhancing drugs to perform better and win, or to decline to play and steal money?" STEAL MONEY? STEAL MONEY? HE FUCKING WON THEM TWO GODDAMN WORLD SERIES. Also it goes without saying that taking steroids is much worse than not hustling down the line (the fact that he raised the question is beyond comprehension). I know its fashionable and all to not give older guys extensions nowadays but if anyone ever desereved one before the season it was Manny fucking Ramirez. This ownership group is so fucking full of themselves its re-goddamn-diculous. They are the ones who acted like spoiled brats by not appreciating what Manny has done for them. Sure, Manny can be a handful and a pain in the ass but so what? He wins baseball games. Sorry he couldn't cure AIDS and lower gas prices while he was at it.

The real question, which I will get into in much more depth tomorrow, is how do I approach the rest of this season. I still love the players on the Red Sox and still like the team but the ownership can go fuck themselves for all I care. They drove their best player out of town. But if they make the playoffs I'm going to have to deal with all these Manny-haters saying, "I told you so." And I fucking hate being told I told you so. This fucking sucks.

Also what's this with everyone talking management's side in this case. No love for the working man? Fucking scabs. I wish I was at Fenway for Bay's first game. That fucking canuck. I'd yell, "The Bruins play down the street you fucking hoser!" And start Manny's Better chants all fucking night.


Welcome to another 86 years of fucking ruining it.

So it sounds like the ownership/management/special-olymplic-all-stars in the Red Sox front office have struck again. I wonder if I'll live long enough to see the Sox win it again. Worst fucking trade ever.

Farewell, Sweet Manny

Well all the fucking retarded media types and arrogant Red Sox ownership/management just got their wish. They traded away the best hitter Boston had since Ted Williams (yes, better than Yaz). All he ever did was win two fucking World Series' for this ungrateful group but because the previous owners/general managers signed Manny they never liked him. They tried to give him away since day one and when he delivered season after season they ignored his accomplishments and acted like the ingrate that they claimed Manny was.

Yeah, it was always an adventure in the outfield for Manny. Yeah, he was never very open with the media and got summarily ripped for it but who fucking cares. Let me tell you kids about another Boston left fielder whose defense was criticized and the media hated. His name was TED FUCKING WILLIAMS!!!!! And Manny has brought more titles to Boston than him!!!!

So in the end Boston got two titles and Manny got $168 million. Yeah that's a ton of money but when you think about how much cash the team made off Manny's accomplishments its a drop in the fucking bucket. Hell, I spent at least $2.7 million on World Series merchandise. Yet the owners wanted Manny to keep kissing their asses when it should be the other way around.

RBIs and World Championships. That's what Manny does. Unfortunately it will be some fucking crazy left coasters who don't give a shit about the Dodgers who will be benefiting from it now. Anyone who thinks that this is Manny's fault should shoot themselves in the fucking face. Anyone who thinks it was the ownership who stored up enough goodwill points with the fans that we should just accept whatever they tell us has things ass backwards. It's Manny who should get the benefit of the doubt. Epstein can trade for Orlando Cabrera all day every day but it was Manny who won that fucking world series. Not those arrogant pricks in the luxury boxes.

Anyway, goodbye, Manny. You were too beautiful for this town. There's at least one fan out there who will miss you. I'll see you in Cooperstown.

Friday, July 25, 2008

I will eat your soul in badminton

Today my company has its annual picnic. I'm not exactly sure what to expect. There's a pool, but I can't take my shirt off in public. There will probably be adult beverages, but I can't get too drunk. There will be food, but I can't gorge myself in front of my coworkers. However there will be badminton and I'm the best fucking badminton player in the whole damned state.

How did I get so good at such a pussy sport? My answer is in two parts. First, your face is a pussy sport. And second, I took a class for it in college. Yeah, while you were sitting in Medieval and Renaissances Studies 110: Western Encounters with Islam or concealing guns in your glove compartment, I was swaggering around the gym, kicking people's asses in badminton; that's how awesome my school is.

Sure, half of my what-surely-must-be-a-school-record 46 singles badminton wins came against girls who didn't want anything to do with badminton (or a sweaty, screaming, overweight badminton ace) but a win is a win and I still beat some pretty stiff competition. Seriously. Just ask the former Division I-AA All-American defensive end who was the badminton instructor. I wiped the floor with that 6-4, 280 lbs. meat stick. It wasn't very hard either.

What? Your asking about my 1-2 record against that one kid in the class? Well, that doesn't count. He was in shape.

So anyway I'm going to burn so many bridges today playing badminton they might as well call me Nero.

What's up 12-year-old daughter of a junior partner? Bam! Your done, NEXT!

How's it going morbidly obese and repulsive staff accountant? Bam! Get the fuck out of here, NEXT!

Think you can hang with me unpaid summer intern? Bam! Tell your girlfriend I said what's up.

That's it, I'm done, retiring undefeated and untied. See you Monday, fuckers.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Monday, July 21, 2008

Thoughts on Jesse Jackson saying the N-Word

My only thoughts on the issue stem from the issue of Age, not Race. I graced gods good earth in '83, many Americans had fought war or two by then, so I am not coming from the angle of superior experience. But I am a member of the generation that is up and coming. In ten years, we will be the young politicians, lawyers, TV news talking heads, Military personnel, government officials, etc. Those in my circle, the people that I believe to be motivated, educated, and intelligent enough to call a spade a spade, say the same thing about this as I do: Who gives a shit?

We didn't live through the same things as the generation before and don't carry some of the same fears/guilt. I never went to a school where black kids couldn't go. Even when I was in private school. I never drank from a whites only fountain. Personally, and the opinion of my friends, racism seems a little ridiculous to me. I mean, seriously, judging someones worth or intelligence on skin color? Writing off an entire race? Acting or making decisions solely based on ethnicity? To me, this is just plain dumb.

As far as the word nigger goes: It's an ugly word, don't say it if you don't like it, don't say it if it's going to offend someone, 'cause when you do someone will be offended. That being said, whore is also an ugly word, so is cocksucker and fuckhead. I use them, but not on TV and only in certain company. Given enough time, we will no longer be arguing about words inciting racism and all that jazz, we'll be focused on moving forward as a country and not being so damn impolite on TV.

I think that the furor should have been the same if he picked another word. He's an instigator and he's been shunned by the guy whose coattails he wants to ride, and he's bitter. If he had said, "he's talking down to motherfuckers" it wouldn't have been a race issue, it would have been an issue of how bitter Jesse Jackson is. That's the real issue.

Personally, this whole thing is not news worthy and should have been on TMZ. Bottom line is the people that I know in my generation don't care about shit like this. They don't care that he said nigger, it's not setting anything back, they care that he's on TV acting like a damn asshole, I care that he's a relevant public figure for no apparent reason. I care about how seriously people take him. Instigation is not emancipation, a hibbity hibbity and a rat a tat tat,

Friday, July 18, 2008

This guy hates freedom

Comments:I am furious with your scamming company on behalf of my wife. We purchased the two (removed company name) products that the store said were the correct product to receive the manicure or pedicure voucher. When we enter ed the UPC Codes into the appropriate webpage your scamming system stated t hat these were not the correct product even they were. It stated that they had to be the ones with the special green plastic label and they were. Yo ur stupid Customer Service Supervisor RN (if he really was) said I did not know what I was talking about even though I was reading the webpag e to him. He then said it was the blue numbers on the bottom or top of the products. I told him there were no blue numbers on the top or bottom of e ither bottle. I demanded he send my wife the voucher. He refused and hung up on me. I called back and another representative tried to say that (product removed) did not do this, but some other company. I don't know what kind of con game (removed) is playing on God-fearing American citizens b ut be assured we will never buy anything that you produce unless you immedi ately send a voucher for my wife via overnight mail. A copy of this note i s being saved to use to report your company to the Better Business Bureau a nd the Ohio Attorney General's Office for fraud. You are low down terroris ts. I would rather be robbed by a street thug with a gun to my head than b y you terrorists who hide in your white color jobs and rob people of what t hey are due. At least a street thug does not claims to be anything other t han that. I trust that God brings economic failure to your company to punish you for your treatment of good people.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Yankees Sign Richie Sexson to Tentative Deal




WOW, that's a good one. How the mighty have fallen. This guy wasn't good enough for the 37-58 Seattle Mariners but the Yankees bring him in. He's barely hitting above the Mendoza Line (.218) with less RBIs than part-time catcher Chris Ianneta (30). I guess New York brought him in to face leftys (he's 21-for-61 against them this year) but really? I got nothing against Sexson personally but he's pretty washed up and I find it hilarious that the vaunted Yankees rescued him from the scrap heap. What's next? Jose Lima to steady the rotation? Eric Gagne to shore up the bullpen? Carl Everett to help clubhouse chemistry? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

The Stereo

Fort Sumter, Archiduke Ferdinand and Pearl Harbor are all phrases synonymous with the opening of unbelievably violent and horrific conflicts. Sadly, they may soon be joined by "NO DISC."

Thus read a local man's car stereo when he attempted to play a compact disc featuring Robert Johnson, the father of the blues, and Old Crow Medicine Show, an old-time string band.

The man, only identified as Doug, returned to his car this afternoon after having lent it to a friend for nearly a week. Shortly thereafter relations between Doug and the car's stereo quickly took an ugly turn.

Upon entering the car Doug inserted the CD. Instead of showing it's usual "TRACK 1" on its display the defiant stereo simply read, "NO DISC." Visibly annoyed Doug pulled out of the parking lot hoping that the problem would work itself out. It did not.

Compounding the problem was the fact that Doug's car is black with a black leather interior, devoid of any semblance of air conditioning and the sunroof was broken by Doug's idiot brother.

Doug acknowledged that the heat played a significant factor in what will surely go down as a day of infamy. "Yeah, the heat was a bitch. I knew it would be but I guess I just wasn't ready for it. When I opened that door I got a rush of pure heat, directly from the bowels of hell. My mood turned."

After about 60 seconds in the car Doug began to become concerned with his car's stereo. "What the fuck," he muttered to himself. Figuring the problem would fix itself, he drove on.

Having driven for several minutes in the sweltering car Doug began to perspire, at first just a little on the brow and collar but shortly thereafter this typically jovial 22-year-old would become a raging inferno of hate, drenched in sweat.

At nearly the precise moment that Doug crossed the intersection of Hillside St. and Randolph Ave. he realized that the stereo would not fix itself. Wagon Wheel would not pour out of the car's speakers to quiet the anger building inside him.

"What the fuck is going on here?" the driver exclaimed as he ejected, and promptly reinserted, the CD. The stereo's display stared at him, "NO DISC."

"I know there is a goddamn disc in there, you piece of shit!" yelled Doug. Thinking that perhaps the volume was all the way down he turned the knob clockwise. The ill-fated knob had succumbed to the heat hours ago and was nothing more than glob of melted rubber. Instead of raising the stereo's volume Doug had instead succeeded in getting rubber all over his hands.

"That was definitely a low-point. No question. I wanted to turn the stereo up but instead my hand looked like I sneezed on it but if the snot was black... and smelled like cancer," Doug recalled when asked about the Melting of the Knob.

Having seemingly failed to turn the volume up Doug switched the stereo to FM. Sure enough WPLR was blaring the Alabama Song by the Doors. So it wasn't the volume. When switched back to CD mode, the stereo still read, "NO DISC."

Doug's patience was completely gone at the point. His hair and shirt drenched in sweat and his right hand caked in molten rubber. Doug snapped. (WARNING: Explicit language to follow)


"NO DISC," the stereo mocked him.

"THIS FUCKING THING...SUCKS. FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING PIECE OF SHIT! YOU GODDAMNED SONOFABITCH!!!" This round of expletives was punctuated by Doug's angry display of the middle finger to his stereo.

"NO DISC," the stereo read, calmer and crueler than ever.

"FUCK YOU! YOU HAVE ONE FUCKING JOOOOOOOB!!!!!!!!!" The crescendo built to awe-inspiring levels, passing motorists on the road stared with a strange combination of amazement and horror at this sweat-soaked man hurling obscenities at a seemingly innocuous piece of machinery.

"GWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA........" This was no longer English spewing forth from Doug but rather a primal, guttural sound that continued for nearly half a minute, growing louder. This time, not just content to abuse his stereo verbally, Doug removed his hand from shift lever and brought it forward, violently. The ensuing collision would change everything, forever.

His hand throbbing and with a deranged grin across his face Doug, brought his hand back from what he surely thought would be a decimated car stereo, eager to see the end of his nemesis.

Quoth the stereo, "NO DISC." It was completely intact.

"This isn't fucking over you snot-nosed, arrogant piece of crap," Doug said with relative calm. Still, he was jabbing his finger into the tape deck to drive his point home.

Still minutes from his destination, Doug turned the stereo off and decided to actually pay attention to driving, and not sweating.

"This isn't over between me and that fucking stereo. I've gone through all the proper channels and completed all the appropriate paperwork, crossed every T and dotted all the lower-case J's. It's war and I'm going to bring the motherfucking pain," said Doug with a unsettling amount of composure.

Considering Doug must commute home in less than 90 minutes the stereo's time may be running short or, perhaps, its time is just beginning...

No talent ass clown

It just so happens that Derek Jeter isn't good at baseball.

He may be an outstanding team player, fine. They have tons of "outstanding team players" at the special olympics.

Okay, so you say he's the face of the Yankees organization and a "real stand-up guy." Fuck that shit.

First off, Stienbrenner was the face of the organizaiton, and when we all think about Steinbrenner, we think of the back of his head yelling at George Costanza. So ha.

Second, what the fuck is a stand up guy? Richard Pryor was a stand up guy, and I will to bet that he would have been a better shortstop.

The only reason that people think that Derek Jeter is a great baseball player is because they are fucking YANKEES FANS! Which, by nature, makes you a cotton headed ninny muggins. Granted, I believe that there is a secret chemical leaked into the city water that brainwashes people into being "newyoakahs," but until science backs me up, they are just plain dumb.

I'm sure that Doug will punt me some stats to back this shit up. But hey, fuggettaboutit! Right you silly greasy guido fucks? Paint the ceiling, thanks.

Look at this picture. I mean, did he actually say to the camera man, "Hey, I got nothing on A-Rod as far as talent goes, so, could you make me look shiny? Like really really really shiny? Pleeeeeease?!!? Thanks buddy. Don't worry, I'll sign that jersey later. Like right in the middle of the fucking all-star game." Hey Jeter, you should have even been in the dugout. You kinda suck.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Reason #14,738 Why I Love Manny

During a pitching change in the 6th inning of yesterday's game Manny decided to make a couple calls inside the monster. I would cut off my left hand to be in Manny's five.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

News from the Underground

A tired man once told me, "F*ck this, I'm going to sleep." I didn't really understand what he meant until this past weekend. Details forthcoming...

Monday, July 7, 2008

Fuckin thing

Snakes! Nasty Snakes!

So it turns out that it isn't a great idea to drink snake wine. Yeah, snake wine. Gross. It's some sort of booze, with a fucking snake in it, and some sort of snake eggs, and a few drops of death.

I may or may not have drank some of this evil, evil devil juice on Freedomas Eve (the night before America Day) and there may or may not have been a gay dance party to the song "Brandy." Oops.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Happy Independence Day!

I know I'm a bit early but I'm going to be away for the rest of the week. Hope everyone has a great Fourth of July.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Live Free or Die

I'll go point-by-point so my slack-jawed, mouth-breathing friend can follow along:

-Yes, Virginia was the first British colony in America. Fine, have that title all you want. Colonies are un-American but you want to know what is American? Statehood, and Connecticut, Massachusetts (which then included Maine), and New Hampshire were all states before Johnny-come-lately Virginia decided to join the party.

-New England doesn't have state parks? Really? I guess we should all bow down to Virginia's whopping 34 state parks because that is way too many for the states of New England to match. Oh wait, Connecticut has 61 (SIXTY-ONE!!!!) state parks, which is pretty impressive because it's about 13% of the size of Virginia. Rhode Island, yes Little Rhodey, has 29 state parks. I stopped counting after that. Also New England is the vacation destination for America's elite (Bar Harbor, ME, Newport, RI, Nantucket, MA, Martha's Vineyard, MA, Old Saybrook, CT the list goes on and on...)

-New England gave birth to seven presidents (six and a half really): John Adams, John Quincy Adams, Franklin Pierce, Calvin Coolidge, John F. Kennedy, George Bush, and George Bush jr.

-Yes, Virginia grows tobacco but so does Connecticut and parts of Massachusetts. The Connecticut River valley north of Hartford is known as Tobacco Valley. So don't go thinking that smokers in New England couldn't get their fix if it weren't for Virginia.

-Richmond was never the capital of its own country. Pretending to be a country does not make you a country. I could sit here all day and declare my cubicle a sovereign nation but that doesn't make it so. As far as America is concerned, the south (and my cubicle) were never their own countries.

-You can have the CIA and Pentagon all you want. We have the WWE world headquarters. Suck on that.

-Ted: Virginia was once so big and bad that it consisted of Virgina, West Virginia, Kentucky, Tennessee, North and South Carolina and DC. Again with colonial times. Get it through your head that when Virginia was that big they were just a puppet for a King that lived thousands of miles away. Being subjugated by a monarch isn't exactly something to be proud of...

-Your accents make you sound like brain dead hicks.

-The Redskins have been better over their history than the Patriots but where did the Redskins start their history? In Boston, so your welcome for your football team. Eat it.

New England has much better educational institutions (all the elite boarding schools and colleges are in New England (yeah, I went to college in VA, big mistake)) and is simply smarter.

New England is more wealthy.

New England gave the world the rock bands Boston and Aerosmith.

I hope a lobster chops your balls off.

Virginia beats the shit out of New England.

Listen here Chowdaheads.

Sad story for you snow-weary Plymouth rock monkeys. Virginia totally started America. 1607, Jamestown, Va. Birthplace of America. Look it up bitches.

Virginia is prettier, with 34 highly regarded state parks. Love the smell of America? I do. Where do I get my fix? Virginia's state parks!

New England isn't even a state. It's a stupid region with stupid regional parks. Plus, when is anything named after England good? (England, not an English person. Too easy, Doug)

Virgina gave birth to eight presidents.

Virginia grows tobacco, everyone looks cool when they smoke, even Richie Cunningham.

Our State capital was also the capital of a country. (One that was not recognized by the US, but who cares! Fuck em.)

We have the Pentagon, the CIA, and the NRA. Also, we have 7 dead presidents and Arlington National cemetery on our hallowed grounds.

Virginia was once so big and bad that it consisted of Virgina, West Virginia, Kentucky, Tennessee, North and South Carolina and DC. Beat that fuck stain.

Our accents sound better.

The Redskins are better (over time) than the patriots.

The Red Sox are better than anyone so fuck you Doug, I'm taking that one away.

America was born in Virginia.

Virginia is for lovers. We like to bump nasties.

p.s. Doug likes dudes.

Monday, June 30, 2008

Baseball = America

Oh really, the league is dominated by foreigners? Really? I guess the fact that a large majority (over 60%) of baseball players are American doesn't count as dominating. Regardless, should this matter? Baseball provides an opportunity for many people from less fortunate countries to come to this great nation of ours and, hopefully, fulfill the American dream, just like my ancestors did 100 years ago. Seriously, it wasn't more than a generation or two ago that names like Sean O'Malley and Rico Petrocelli were as foreign as Manny Ramirez or Jose Reyes. So a quick recap: most players are American and those that are not, join the great American melting pot. (Also many of these players become American citizens, like David Ortiz.)

Football has become the new poker. It's over analyzed to hell because there isn't enough action for the talking heads to discuss so they just work themselves into a lather about completely unimportant and nonsensical issues like Terrell Owens or post-game handshakes. Baseball actually produces new action nearly everyday. Nonstop action is very American.

Also, it's technically, "San Demas Football Rules." Billy Madison stole that line from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure...

Build a border fence around Baseball....

As we approach Freedommas (Latin for the Mass of Freedom), we find ourselves in the same old debate: Is Football more American than Baseball?

While I'm sure that Doug is foaming at the mouth, I think I'm going to go for Football on this one ladies. It's not that I don't support Baseball, or that I don't think Baseball is American, it's that there aren't enough fucking Americans playing the game. It is simply chock full of nuts, and by nuts I clearly mean fargen foreigners.

The league is dominated by foreign players and coaches, and given enough time, I'm sure they will be dominated by foreign owners. Let's face it folks, we are not as good at baseball as we used to be. Latin America has the US sitting on the pine and spittin' seeds.

Football, on the other hand, is still dominated Johnny Bluejeans. Don't get all caught up in this 'race' crap, because I don't think that these guys are all white dudes from 'Bama. But it is tough to come up with solid numbers for NFL players born on foreign soil. Also, what is more American than smashing into one another for hours on end?

I am not going to inundate you with facts, or legitimate science to back up my statements, because then I may be wrong. I leave all that shit for Doug.

In closing, Baseball has gone from Americas Pastime to Passed it's Prime, Knibb High Football Rules!!

America Week at Freglomerica

Come one, come all to Freedom, Glory, America's first annual America Week. Independence Day is this Friday so it's a short work week (Freedom!) culminating in shooting fireworks in a needlessly unsafe manner (Glory!) while stuffed full of apple pie and beer (America!). It's during this time of year that I count my lucky stars that I don't live in Canada (Canadian beer sucks). Anyway here at Freglomerica we'll be doing our best to keep fanning the flames of patriotism with an unprecedented amount of America-related content. Enjoy!

Friday, June 27, 2008

What can Vegas Vacation tell us about American politics?

There's a scene in Vegas Vacation that has always tickled my funny bone and strangely enough it applies to the current political situation in this country: Chevy Chase is at a cheap buffet with his cousin, Randy Quaid. Chase looks down at two steamer trays, both filled with a revolting, tapioca-like solid/liquid; one is yellow and marked chicken, the other is blue and marked beef. Visibly disgusted Chase points to the yellow tray and says to an attendant, "That's chicken?" To which the attendant replies, "Oh wait, sorry," and promptly switches the signs indicating which dish is which. That's pretty much what politics in this country is like, both options are unappealing, indistinguishable, and sure to back you up for a few days. No matter what "dish" you choose chicken or beef, Republican or Democrat, your screwed.

In my opinion, virtually all politicians in this country (and probably everywhere else) are glad-handing, money-grubbing, spineless, two-faced election monkeys who are more concerned with lining their own pockets with our money, stroking their massive egos, and obtaining power than they are with bettering this country. Yeah, maybe there are a couple exceptions here and there but the general rule is politicians are the scum of the earth. It's that simple. To borrow a phrase from Happy Gilmore, "Blue Jacket. Red Jacket. Who gives a shit?" They're all pretty much the same thing. Until we make it easier for other parties to get the same recognition that the D's and R's get (and give Americans a choice) nothing is going to change drastically. So go ahead, work yourself into a tizzy about Obama or McCain or whoever but keep in mind that it doesn't really matter. In my opinion, they're both pretty decent choices compared to the laughable candidates of elections past. Both seem like honest and well-intentioned Americans. I'm leaning towards Obama because at least he seems like a change from the ordinary and so far, in my life, the ordinary has fucking sucked donkey balls. The End.

Doug is a little bitch

Seeing as Doug wants to punt the fucking country into goddamn Armageddon, I'll put this in terms that he can understand. Pussies.

This is what Doug wants you to think will happen if Hussein is elected:

Fuck that shit. This is a better representation of the Obama Crisis:

Fuck you Doug

Hillary Clinton is the f@#king Antichrist

Yep. The morningstar, the seven headed dragon, the great beast, the junior senator from New York. It's not that I hate her, she is the necessary evil that makes me right, it's that she sucks, her ideas suck, her experience sucks, her judging of character sucks, and there are enough fucking retards in this country that believe her bullshit. Just because the staff of the Daily Show and SNL think that HRC should be the president, or Hussein Obama for that matter, doesn't make for a convincing arguement in my book. I mean, c'mon. The only real political experience that she has on a broad level is not divorcing her husband when he was getting blown by any fat hooker with a mouth. (Granted it is hard to be either fat or a hooker without a mouth) But seriously folks, give me something, help me sleep at night, stop me from having a panic attack: Why the fuck would you vote for either of them? Answer: Your a blind Democrat that simply votes on party lines and then bitches about how the Republicans exploit bipartisan politics. Your a borderline social retard that gets all your news from Comedy Central and your pop culture fix from TMZ. Turn off the MTV, stop watching The Hills, and wake up from your goddamn fantasy world. These two schlep rocks are not good for the country, or the world, or anything ever. You're a fucking moron. If you want to ruin a country, go to one that's already fucked up, it'll be easier on you. Try Venezuela, I heard they have nationalized oil companies, sounds fucking sweet. Eat my ass, I'm out.

Watch as she starts step one of sucking out Hussein's soul. (Also, notice her tiny hands, perfectly sized for eating babies)

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Catching up with the Red Sox

We are now at the official half-way point of the Red Sox season. They stand at 49-32, which puts them one game ahead of the Rays for first in the East (five and a half games ahead of the Yankees) and percentage points behind the Angels for the best record in the American League. A lot of people are talking them up as one of the elite teams in baseball and rightfully so, they are possibly the most complete team in the bigs. However, there are still some questions that remain about this club so let's go over what we know and what we don't know about the 2008 Red Sox.

What we know...

-The Red Sox have a lot of starting pitchers. Boston has had eight different pitchers start games for them so far this year (Lester (17), Wakefield (16), Beckett (14), Dice-K (12), Buchholz (8), Masterson (7), Colon (6), Pauley (1)). The starters are dealing with some injuries right now, Dice-K, Colon, and Buchholz are all not pitching in the bigs because of health issues. However I think the depth is a major strength for the Red Sox but at the same time they should be weary of dealing any of their starters, like the ill-fated Arroyo-for-Wily Mo trade. When healthy I say the rotation should go: Beckett, Dice-K, Lester, Colon, Buchholz/Masterson. For the playoffs I bet it's just Beckett, Dice-K, and Lester.

-Youk is a dick.

-Maybe JD Drew was worth that contract. Ever since he hit that grand slam in game 6 of the ALCS I haven't been able to objectively view Drew, but now I can objectively say that he is pulling his weight. He's been arguably the AL player of the month and has carried the load with Ortiz out of the lineup. I think this is a testament to what hitting in front of Manny can do for a player.

-The Red Sox bullpen is hilarious. When they aren't performing in the Manny Delcarmen Band, they're acting like they're pirates (seriously), when they aren't doing any of that they are making hilarious music videos to entertain the fans.

Rain delay
Uploaded by bsap11

What we don't know...

Can anyone other than Papelbon be relied upon? Javier Lopez is having a good year and Okajima is decent but I think they probably need another arm out there (Brian Fuentes of Colorado is probably the biggest name on the market). However they should be weary of making bad trades like they did for Scott Sauerbeck in 2003 and Eric Gagne last year.

-Will the Spankee's continue to flounder? I really hope so but they still scare me.

-How effective will Papi be once he returns?

-Will Coco Crisp be dealt?

Regardless of these questions, I feel pretty good about the Red Sox in the long run. As long as they get to the postseason and Beckett is healthy then they have as good a chance as anyone to win it all. Also they better pick up Manny's option for next year or there is going to be a riot.

Delicious Chinese Food

I guess this would be Sushi? Catshi?

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Who's ready for some unabashed jingoism?

I first heard of this story a couple weeks ago and didn't really pay it much attention but now it's getting some more coverage and since it concerns America I figured it was time for me to weigh in.

Becky Hammon is one of the best players in the WNBA (so she would be riding the pine on any decent men's high school team) but she didn't make our Olympic team. So what did the South Dakota native do? Why agree to play for the Ruskies, that's what. Since Hammon plays in a Russian pro league during the WNBA offseason she has been granted dual-citizenship, which has allowed her to play for Russia in the Olympics.

Frankly, I'm pretty disgusted at Hammon. Some people might defend her saying that she just wants to realize her Olympic dream but I have a couple problems with that: First, basketball isn't like gymnastics or swimming or something that people only really pay attention to in the Olympics so I don't really feel bad about her not "realizing her Olympic dream." Second, say she were playing for Morocco or Barbados or Brazil or any other country besides Russia then this wouldn't be that big a deal. I know the Cold War is over but Russia is still one of our main rivals in the Olympics so I think her actions are inexcusable. Finally, and most importantly, aren't most people's Olympic dreams rooted in some sort of national pride? Isn't that the point? To bring USA the gold? I like to think so, at least.

So has Hammon turned her back on her country? Definitely. Has she disgraced herself? Most certainly. Should she be booed by the three dozen fans at every WNBA game? Absolutely. But is she, as the USA coach called her, a traitor? No. I don't think the T-word can be applied in this situation because that's about as low as you can go. In fact I think treason (real, serious, no-joke treason; not I-don't-think-getting-tangled-up-in-the-Middle-East-is-a-good-idea "treason") is probably the only crime that deserves capital punishment so I'm not a big fan of just throwing that word around. Still Hammon really needs to get her priorities straight. She's an American who grew up with all the privileges and responsibilities that that entails so I think it's pretty disrespectful to compete for Russia in the Olympics.

Also if Russia beats USA for the Gold then I say she loses her American citizenship. Seriously. She should be allowed in the country to play in the WNBA but she can spend her winters in Siberia if she loves Russia so freaking much.

Defensive lessons from Manny

I saw this at the excellent Red Sox blog Fire Brand of the American League. They had a cartoonist illustrate possible reasons for Julio Lugo's struggles in the field. This one tickled my funny bone:
Potential Reason #4: Someone’s been taking defense lessons from Manny.

Cartoon by Samara Pearlstein

Monday, June 16, 2008

Democrats are retards.

Be sure and read the very last quote.

Our Social Security

Franklin Delano. Roosevelt
32nd. President, Democrat
Terms of Office March 4, 1933, to April 12, 1945
Our Social Security

Franklin Delano. Roosevelt (Terms of Office March 4, 1933, to April 12, 1945), a Democrat, introduced the SocialSecurity (FICA) Program. He promised:

1.) That participation in the Program would be Completely voluntary,

2.) That the participants would only have to pay 1% of the first $1,400 of their annual Incomes into the Program,

3.) That the money the participants elected to put Into the Program would be deductible from Their income for tax purposes each year,

4.) That the money the participants put into the Independent "Trust Fund" rather than into the General operating fund, and therefore, would Only be used to fund the Social Security Retirement Program, and no other Government program, and

5.) That the annuity payments to the retirees would never be taxed as income.

Since many of us have paid into FICA for years and are now receiving a Social Security check every month -- and then finding that we are getting taxed on 85% of the money we paid to the Federal government to "Put Away" -- you may be interested in the following:

Dwight David Eisenhower
34th. President, Republican,
Term Of Office: January 20, 1953 to January 20, 1961

Insert by Vincent Peter Render,
If I recall correctly, 1958 is the first year that Congress voted to remove funds from Social Security and put it into the General Fund for Congress to spend.

If I recall correctly, it was a democratically Controlled Congress.

From what I understand, Congress logic at that time was that there was so much money in Social Security Fundthat it would never run out / be used up for the purpose it was intended / set aside for.

Lyndon Baines Johnson36th. President, Democrat
Term Of Office: November 22, 1963 to January 20, 1969

Question: Which Political Party took Social Security from the Independent "Trust Fund"and put it into the General Fund so thatCongress could spend it?

Answer: It was Lyndon B. Johnson (Democrat, Term Of Office: November 22, 1963 to January 20, 1969) and the democratically Controlled House and Senate.

Question: Which Political Party eliminated the income tax Deduction for Social Security (FICA) withholding?

Answer: The Democratic Party.

William Jefferson Clinton
(Bill Clinton)
42nd. President
Democrat Term of Office: January 20, 1993 to January 20, 2001
Albert Arnold Gore, Jr.
(Al Gore)
45th. Vice President
Democrat Term of Office: January 20, 1993 to January 20, 2001
Question: Which Political Party started taxing Social Security annuities?

Answer: The Democratic Party, with Albert Arnold Gore, Jr. (Al Gore) [Vice President Term of Office: January 20, 1993 to January 20, 2001] casting the "tie-breaking" deciding vote asPresident of the Senate, while he was Vice President of the US .

James Earl Carter, Jr(Jimmy Carter)
39th. President, Democrat
Term of Office: January 20, 1977 to January 20, 1981
Question: Which Political Party decided to start giving Annuity payments toimmigrants?

Answer: That's right! James Earl Carter, Jr. (Jimmy Carter) (Democrat, Term of Office: January 20, 1977 to January 20, 1981) and theDemocratic Party.

Immigrants moved into this country, and at age 65, began to receive Social Security payments! The Democratic Party gave these payments to them, even though they never paid a dime into it!

Then, after violating the original contract (FICA), the Democrats turn around and tell you that the Republicans want to take your Social Security away!

And the worst part about it is uninformed citizens believe it!

If enough people receive this, maybe a seed of Awareness will be planted and maybe changes will Evolve. Maybe not, some Democrats are awfully Sure of what isn't so.

But it's worth a try. How many people can YOU send this to?

Actions speak louder than bumper stickers.


Thomas Jefferson
3rd. President, Democrat

"A government big enough to give you everything you want, is strong enough to take everything you have.."

- Thomas Jefferson

It's the simple things in life...

There is nothing funnier than a forgiener being kicked in the face by a bovine. Unless said bovine is also a master of the ninja arts. God I love ninja cows.

Golf announcers need to take it down a notch

I like Tiger Woods, I really do but the on-air fawning for the guy over the weekend at the U.S. Open was unbearable. In case you weren't paying attention Tiger had arthroscopic knee surgery two months ago and looked like he was in some pain while playing well enough to force an 18-hole playoff with Rocco Mediate (which will take place today at noon). Unfortunately the NBC announcing crew took exaggeration and hyperbole to a new level, with Johnny Miller declaring that what Tiger was doing was more impressive than what Willis Reed and Kirk Gibson did. Umm, did I miss something here? Are we now saying that golfers are as tough as athletes who play actual sports? Here are the reasons why I think Tiger's knee injury have been blown way, way out of proportion:

-Firstly, Stuart Appleby had a similar procedure at about the same time as Tiger but no one is talking about it.

-Secondly golf is probably the least strenuous sport that receives major coverage in the USA (I'm not counting the racing car pageants). When 80 year-olds can do the same thing as the world's best in a sport (albeit on a much lower level) then that sport isn't that physically demanding. This isn't to take away from the skill and preparation involved with golf just that the strain it puts on one's body is considerably less than every other major sport. (Yes, even baseball and even fat pitchers. Could you imagine if an 80 year-old tried to throw a pitch, I mean really tried to throw one, he'd probably tweak/strain/break every ligament/muscle/bone in his body).

-Thirdly athletes in other sports have arthroscopic knee surgery all the time and get much less time than two months to recover. Here is an excerpt from an article from about Amare Stoudemire and his arthroscopic knee surgery: “It was a routine procedure," General Manager Steve Kerr said. "Everything that the doctor expected to see is exactly what he saw. AmarĂ© is coming down Thursday and starting rehab immediately. We expect to see him back on the court in two and a half to three weeks. There is no reason for concern.” TWO AND A HALF TO THREE WEEKS, and that's not just walking and swinging a club, that's running and jumping on a hard wood floor. Now sometimes normal athletes who have their knee scoped take about two months to return but when they do return they have to do things that are much more physically demanding than what Tiger is doing. From an Orlando Sentinel article: "If he does win after coming back from injury, that's an admirable thing," said Randy Roberts, a history professor at Purdue University who specializes in sports history. "But I don't think the injury is such a big deal. There have been some phenomenal comebacks in sports, but almost every football player probably has similar surgery that Tiger is having. They might be out six-to-eight weeks and come back." There, a historian puts it in it's proper context, it's not that big a deal.

-Lastly the major difference between Woods and Reed and Gibson is the way their respective sports are set up. When it's all said and done Tiger will have competed in the U.S. Open for about 30 straight years. That means he got a chance to play for his sports championship 30 times. Reed and Gibson had much, much fewer opportunities to try to win the title. What I'm saying is that it's a lot more difficult to win a championship in a sport where there is a long, grueling season and then playoffs. That's not Tiger's fault, it's just the way that his sport is.

Let me reiterate that I think Tiger is a hell of a golfer who played very, very well while dealing with some pain. However everyone seems to be acting like this is the most impressive thing to ever happen in the history of sport and conveniently forgetting that hockey players take pucks to the face, get stitched up on the bench, and then go back out on the ice. So let's all take it easy with the Tiger is gutting it out hyperbole and just appreciate the golf he is playing.

As a bonus here are some real injury-related anecdotes that make you, me, and Tiger look like 7 year-old girls at a Hello Kitty birthday party by comparison:

-Jack Youngblood, a linebacker for the Rams in the 1970s, played most of the NFC Championship game on a broken leg.

-Ronnie Lott broke his left pinky finger during the 1985 season and instead of opting for surgery that would've made him miss time he had part of his finger amputated. Let me say that again: instead of surgery Lott had part of his finger cut off so he could keep playing.

-Every professional hockey player, ever (except Jaromir Jagr). These guys are as badass as they come, they don't take crap from anyone, even fans:

-Chuck Bednarik, a two-way player for the Eagles in the 1950s and1960s, broke his ankle in the first half of the second to last game of the 1956 season. Instead of going to the trainer/doctor, Bednarik went to the equipment manager who rigged him a splint made of old shoulder pads and duct tape. Bednarik wore the contraption for the rest of the game and next two weeks without ever telling anyone with medical training about his injury until the season was over. By the way, the Eagles were something like 3-8 at the time of the injury and had no shot at the playoffs. When he finally had doctors look at his ankle it turns out it was a compound fracture and had gotten very badly infected. Now that is one badass motherfucker.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Americo is now American

As a life-long citizen of America I would like to welcome one of our newest members, David Americo Ortiz. Yesterday Big Papi became a U.S. Citizen at a ceremony in Boston. Leave it to Papi to be on the DL but still find a way to make big things happen. Congratulations to you, Mr. Ortiz (and to the 226 other immigrants who gained citizenship at the ceremony yesterday).

Ortiz is now part of the country that claims George Washington, the Wright Brothers, Jesse Owens, Audie Murphy, Martin Luther King Jr., and Manny Ramirez as some of her favorite sons.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Autoball: Great Sport or Greatest Sport?

I stumbled across this video at The Beautiful Game (which credits The Offsides Rule for finding it) and I must say that Autoball is bizarrely addictive. It's kinda like soccer crossed with demolition derby. Check out the final between Ze Germans and the Irish.

My only complaint is that I don't think the drivers are drunk enough but besides that I think this sport has a lot of potential. I don't think it could be an every year sport but it definitely could be an Olympic event considering that figure skating and what not are there. Tell me you wouldn't root your ass off for USA. Also, I'm pretty sure Ted would be on our Olympic team...if he could fit in one of those clown cars.

Monday, June 9, 2008

Beat LA!

I'm back from the coast and figured I should put something up so people don't think this site is defunct. Just to make it clear we're not defunct, just very, very lazy. That's all.

2 wins down, 2 to go.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Behold, the Sea itself!

I'm heading for the coast for the next week and a half so looks like Ted is going to be flying solo. In honor of my impending trip here is some very, very, very bad original poetry.

"Keel-hauling Man"

I've seen the Sea and ogled the Ocean
But never once did I think
That I would have such emotion
From witnessing the mighty Drink

I can't tie a line, nor Harpoon a Whale
Poop a deck, nor raise a sail
But I know in the heart of my heart
The Ocean and I can never part

It was given to us by God above
Violent as the hawk, but gentle as the dove
It has encompassed minds in a disturbing way
Alas! Much of that is lost today

I say revive the Glory Days of the Sea
And if it were up to you and me
Any one speaking of Ocean's future grim
We'd just take him out and keel-haul him

I can't leave you with that garbage here is Led Zeppelin's "The Ocean"

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Putting Spygate to Rest

I haven't addressed Spygate directly since my first post ever on my old blog. (Hell, the controversy was so new at that point that a proper name for it hadn't even been agreed upon) I don't think any events really warranted it because any logical person would realize that videotaping opponents signals crosses an arbitrary line in signal stealing. A stenographer could watch the opposing coach and describe, through writing, what they were seeing, then, if they really wanted to, could make a video of themselves recreating those exact signals. Yeah, it'd be a bit more work, but not much. That is not to say I don't understand the hate that comes the Patriots' way. If it were the New York Jets who got caught breaking the rules then I would be hollering about it too. It's sports you don't need to be logical about it; you can hate anyone for anything and that's fine, again, it's sports. Anyway the reason I'm bringing this up again is because I just came across a piece about the tapes Walsh handed over that was pretty much buried and never mentioned by any sports writer or pundit. Here is the link. If you're too lazy for that here is the pertinent excerpt (emphasis mine):

We don't know for sure whether more tapes ever existed in New England, or how these tapes were broken down and used. But after reviewing the material released by the league, this much is clear: We saw nothing in that video that would allow us as a scouting department to provide a team with an unfair advantage over an opponent.

Yes, preparation time was reduced and film study was streamlined, but not in a way that single-handedly turned the Patriots into one of the premier teams in the league. In the end, the Patriots' success comes down to having better players who make full use of the information provided to them.

So you know this isn't a bunch of yahoos this article was written by Scouts, Inc. A group comprised of mostly former scouts who scout games and player for ESPN so these guys know what they are talking about. Anyway, this closes the book on Spygate for me. When actual scouts say that the "cheating" merely streamlined the scouting process and didn't give a team an unfair advantage then I don't really need to here anything else. Oh, and if you try to play the "it doesn't matter if they got an advantage, they broke the rules" card with me then you clearly have no idea what I'm about (look at my list in the right hand sidebar).

First Annual UEFA Final Running Diary

I decided to keep a running diary of today's UEFA Champions League Final. Why? I'm not exactly sure. It was my first foray into the running type of entry and it had its ups and downs (I really lost steam in the second half). Anyway there are a couple good jokes in there and a lot of not so good ones. Get comfortable this is pretty freakin' long. Enjoy. (Also, don't expect my usual flawless grammar, spelling, and punctuation, my apologies).

This pre-game ceremony is pretty amazing, we got dancers, golden domes of some sort, confetti, and mysterious figures in capes. Unfortunately all this pomp is probably going to mean 100,000 Russians will have no food for the next 6 weeks.

Why do little kids come out with the teams. I know it's probably a great thrill for the little 'uns but it's still kinda creepy. What would happen if the NBA did this. I bet KG would be so fired up he'd punch some 6-year-old girl in the face.

Cristiano Ronaldo, rocking the greasy mullet, FAAANNNTASTIC.

Man U's manager is SIR Alex Ferguson. What a fucking loser. I hate nobility

Lubos Michele is your referee and he has a Madonna-esque microphone.

And we’re off…

Wing passes to center, back to wing, back to center, center HOLDS IT, HOLDS IT, HOOOOLDS IT! (sorry couldn't resist).

I should probably mention I'm watching this thing with no sound so all I hear is the clicking of the keyboard, the fat guy in the next office coughing, and C. Ronaldo yelping from 3,000 miles away as he tries to draw a foul.

Not a fan of the lowercase NOB's (name on back) that Cheleas has but their still better than the collar-less Man U kits, totally rec league.

We're three minutes into this thing and not a lot has happened. No real opportunityrtunities for either side. Wait a tic. Nope, nothing just gas. Chelsea has several crosses but their cleared away.

It's just mind blowing to me how far these guys kick the ball.

I fucking hate Wayne Rooney with every fiber of my being. What a typical English prick. Although he does look like a street tough from the 1930s. They don't make people like that no more.

Chelsea's goalie is the guy who wears a rugby helmet (Cech or something), makes him look like a retard.

Our first save of the day. A deflected 20 yarder from the wing. An easy one for Morris the Safety Tortoise (Chelsea's keeper).

Offsides on Chelsea, garbage.

Drogba just got ripped across the face by a Man U defender. Blood on his tongue.

Uh-oh, Man U cross.... cleared away

At the 8-minute mark it’s been a fairly even match thus far. I'd give the slight edge to Man U on posession but a big edge to Chelsea in the lack of faggotry department.

Seriously Morris the Safety Tortoise just sent a goal kick like 80 fucking yards. That is amazing, more impressive than a baseball throw or anything.

One major difference between soccer and most US sports is the necessity to go back to get forward. Actually, no wait, it isn't. I'm retarded.

Lubos reminds us that it is illegal to tug another player’s jersey.

Greasy mullet passes to thug face, back to mullet, Mullet HOLDS IT HOLDS IT HOOOLDSS IT!

A Chelsea striker (Malouda) tries to draw a PK but to no avail.

Man U's goalie looks like a lesbian.

Lots of fancy footwork for Cristiano Ronaldo, all for not as he gently taps it back to another player, 5 yards away.

Same ole same ole at the 13 minute mark.

A Chelsea player is changing his boots on the sideline (YEAH DUDE!)

Lubos runs like a girl. big surprise.

Haven't seen much from Michael Ballack, Ze German. Wait ,there he is. Do you think that he was weary to be dragged so far into the heart of Russia, with unprotected supply lines. Too soon?

Ronaldo just faked the crap out of a Chelsea defender and deliver a cross that was just a tad high. Another Man U player, on the field, claps at his effort. Don't see that much in the USA

Lubos picks up the ball for some reason, sorry I blacked out there for a minute or two.

Corner for Man U at the 18.24 mark. Big opportunity.

here it is, too far out, and it is cleared into touch by Chelsea.

C. Ronaldo gets mugged on the sideline and he has a shit-eating grin on his face. Looks exactly like Tony Montana's friend in Scarface. It's kinda creepy

A poor free kick that is cleared

Uh-oh. A head to head collission around midfield. Wait, not at all. Chelsea player and Paul
Scholes went up for the ball and Scholes gave him a fore arm to the back of the head. Then on the way down his face hit Chelsea player’s boot and he is bloody. Rooney tries to start shit with the entire Chelsea team but backs off like a little bitch. Scholes is booked, rightfully so. He's being attended to on the side lines.

On a long cross in a Man U defender, unnecessarily heads it out on the end line, dangerous, the keeper had a clear path to the ball

The corner is 6 inches too high and Chelsea striker barely gets a head on it.

Still in awe of how far they kick it.

Scholes is back, fag.

More fancy footwork from Greasy Mullet Ronaldo but the 1-2 pass is too far ahead of him and he goes out into touch.

A Man U player starts warming up on the sidelines. He's wearing black warm ups yet he still puts on a green pinny. I don't think there was any chance he would be confused as a player without the pinny.

Opportunity for man U, Chelsea hits it OB. here's the throw in the corner.

A CROSS AND A SCORE!!! Morris the Safety Tortoise didn't even react. That was really weird. 25 Minutes.

It was Ronaldo with the goal. A perfect cross from Man U player to Ronaldo on the far post and perfect header right on the post. Morris the Safety Tortoise reacted but didn't dive. At first i thought it was offsides or something. No announcers is tough

Michael Ballack looks like a Whalberg. Seriously I’m expecting to get into Rooney’s face and say (with a German accent, of course), “Blow me, all right? But not literally, though. Unfortunately, there's no promotion involved for you.”

That goal puts Ronaldo third in on the single season goal list for Man U, with 42.

That goal was pretty freaking flawless.

Ronaldo doing his ball dance thingy. A CROSS to Ronaldo heads it back center but cleared out by the defense.


Drogba is taking a seat, holding his back. He got a bit of a shove in it but doesn't look too bad. he seems to be indicating that he got a knee in th back. The spray is ineffective. Someone really has to investigate that spray thing, what the hell could it be.

there is a booking for Makelele for Chelsea. whoops missed that one.

Possession is 65-35 for Man U, seems about right. Dirk Diggler better get his ass in gear, his giant schwanz won't score any goals for him.

A cross and a header back to Ballack in front of the goal but punched away by Lesbian Keeper.

The corner... is cleared, back in, fucking Rooney, steals it and sends it about 70 yards, cross fields to Ronaldo who sends it to a streaking Man U player, header is saved and cleared very poorly by the defense, a clean shot from the 18 is saved. He is pissed at his defender. Watching him yell with his little helmet on was one the funnies things ever.

Replays show that on Ballack’s chance he didn't head the ball but instead put his forearm on the back of the defenders neck and forced HIM to head the ball. You don't want to fuck around with ZE GERMANS. Seriously that was pretty impressive

GRADE A flop from Cristiano Ronaldo.

They have completed passes and pass accuracy statistics in soccer? I don't think stats really mean anything in a game as free flowing and open as soccer.

A decent opportunity for Chelsea, but well defended and sent backwards, brought back in then eventually cleared.

At the 40 minute mark both teams have had their chances

A Chelsea striker losses his footing outside the 18 and tries to draw a call but to no avail. this Lobos guy is one tough cookie.

HAHAHAHA about 40 yards from the endline a Chelsea player trips over the ball, he wobbled and almost kept his balance but then he went down faster than British naval supremacy in the 20th century. beautiful game my ass.

A beautiful opportunity for Man U a low cross gets by the defender but the striker just whiffs like Pedro Cerrano on a breaking ball

Man U defender and capt. Rio Ferdinand is booked for throwing an elbow. A free kick right outside the 18 for Chelsea (espn tells us 21 meters from goal)

Three players line up behind the ball, and ballack( kicks it clean over everything). I bet at halftime he has this exchange with the manager:

Manager: You suck at free kicks.

Ballack: You don't know what I can do! You don't know what I can do, what I'm gonna do, or what I'm gonna be! I'm good! I have good things and you don't know about! I'm gonna be something! I am! And don't fucking tell me I'm not!

GOOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLLL Chelsea, a through ball is deflected and the keeper gets caught in no mans land, stumbles and can't recover, as Lampard puts it in the back of the net at the 45 minute mark

All started on a bad clearance that was saved by
Chelsea, then through ball, controlled by Chelsea, goalie stumbles, Lampard scores.

SNIPER, RONALDO JUST GOT SHOT. He's writing in agony. Back and to the left back and to the left.

Actually that does look painful a slide tackle comes in a little late and catches him square in the side of the shin, catching his ankle on the ground. The offending player is booked.


And we're back. The Chelsea manager gives Lobos a piece of his mind as they come onto the field.

Dave Roberts is calling the game. Nice of him to take time off from rehabbing for the Giants to fly halfway around the world to call the game. love that guy.

A shameless flop by Paul Scholes, I think he was upset that he didn't get to elbow anyone in the back of the head.

A long Man U cross is cleared out.

A stern picture of some suits watching the game. I think it’s live but it looks like a still photograph, they're all frowning. What’s their problem

Not a whole lot to report at the 50 minute mark. Ronaldo looks as greasy and floppy as ever.

A tackle from behind by Chelsea gives Man U a free kick

AN EGGREEEGIOUS FLOP by Ronaldo, I think Mark e. Mark is going to choke slam this guy.

These benches the guys get to sit on look amazing, their all like captain’s chairs and what not.
Star Date SG12…

An opportunity for Chelsea, shot is blocked then kicked out by Man U

Terrible, terrible call by the linesman giving man u a goal kick. It was very clear that the Man U player kicked it out, and the guy was like 2 feet away from it.

30 seconds later the linesman calls offsides on Chelsea, its pretty clear who he has money on.

A dangerous cross in front of the Chelsea net but too high for anyone

Thug Rooney yells at his teammate for not sending it in on the ground. What a dick

Chelsea on the break (2 on 3), pulls up, open shot and clear over the goal. He leaned back

A corner for Chelsea, a defender headed it out in front of his own net ( plays like this happen a lot but it seems pretty dangerous to me; I think a couple weeks ago a guy put one in his own net in a big game)

Chelsea heads the corner into the goal, if the goal was 60 yards high.

Mark E. Ballack with an opportunity from 28 yards, rips it wide. Man U is leading 3 to 1 in shots on target, now that's a good stat

Man U player goes down after he tried to mug a Chelsea player, then he has the audacity to get up in the guys face once he finally gets up

A corner for Chelsea is cleared away

What a flop by Ronaldo, went down like a sack of potatoes

1-2 break for Man U, fails to materialize

Brilliant through ball is misplayed on the end line by Chelsea, missed opportunity.

Lobos feels bad for Ronaldo and finally buys one of the flops.

32 for Man U tries to start shit with Mark E. Mark, I wouldn't mess with him.

Clear handball by Man U goes uncalled.

HAHAHAHA, a hard pass hits a Chelsea player square in
the foot and he goes down, good times. (Hanging in a chow line; the most disputed of all the Good Times lyrics).

Man U throws drogba down, cheating ref actually makes the correct call.

The free kick is biked away by Man U.

This one guy for man u has a wispy moustache that Adam Morrison would be proud of.

Chelsea with a shot about 25 yards out, deflected by man u for a corner.

Hopefully something will happen this time and..... no dice, headed OB by Chelsea.

Here we go a break leads to yet another Chelsea corner, I don't know what it is but Chelsea is
really putting the pressure on.

But the corner is cleared out harmlessly, surprise

A dangerous pass inside the box is cleared away by Man U and as Chelsea gets ready to reload, defender Rio Ferdinand decides to just sit down.

Rooney and some other Man U guy get into an argument.

Dropkick sent to Chelsea

There's Ferdinand running! You mean he's not dead? wow

Possession outside of Chelsea’s 18 results in a corner kick.

A Chelsea player is down

Holy shit the replay shows that thug 32 just fucking tackle the guy while pulling on his face. Wow that was blatant.

Here comes the meat wagon, wowowowowwow, OH MY GOD.

He's alive, much to the surprise of the stretcher bearers who have never actually ever had to do anything other than scare player’s mothers into thinking their child is dead.

The corner is high, the goalie comes out to get it, misses but Man U hits it out (I think)

Down the other end, a cross misses its target because he fell down

Another man u corner is too high and results in nothing.

Fuck you Wayne Rooney, sorry I lost control there

More flopping.

At the 75 minute mark we've seen a fair amount of chances, a lot of failed corners, several apparent deaths that turned out to be nothing.

They track distances on players now? Joe Cole for Chelsea has run 9310 meters, that's a lot

Chelsea tries to draw a penalty and... it looks like the player has an argument, ferdinand stepped on his foot, although it looked unintentional.

Joe Cole gets popped in the face by a Man U guy. Here's an opportunity for Chelsea and Drogba hits the far post from 25 yards a ways it was perfect, curling in, just out of the lesbian's reach but it was just inches wide

Unlucky, as they say.

Wow , Mark E. Mark is disappointing me with that flop, he ran full speed into 32 and went down like a Spandau prison bitch on Hermann Goering. (What?)

An opportunity for Chelsea, Drogba receives a low cross but fails to put it on net.

With 10 minutes remaining in regulation (do they use that term in soccer?) it seems like a good time to point out that I have no idea what the rules are for extra time. Is it golden goal? Silver goal? Shameful bronze goal? Aggregate or something? So many questions

Man U rips a shot high

An opportunity for Chelsea with a throw in the corner, and it's thrown a way but cleared to
Chelsea, Ballack misses a one timer badly, that was very poor

Free kick for Chelsea about 25 yards up the sideline, right side. Big, big play here

A pass to the short man who totally fucks it up and kicks it to Archangel.

4 minutes in regulation, somebody better get a move on quick because I don't have all day here, I leave at five, game over or not.

Joe Cole with a cross but Drogba can't put it on target....again

A late sub for man u, Ryan Giggs is coming in for Scholes. I say doesn't he run like a Welshman, I said doesn't he run like a Welshman. Well he should, he's Welsh

Morris the Safety Tortoise almost misjudges a cross but holds on.

Two 15-minute periods, no golden goal, then penalty kicks. So that's my answer

Joe Cole with an opportunity in the box but the cheating ref calls it out on him. Another bad call.

2 minutes of stoppage time.

I still can't get over those benches, they look amazingly comfortable.

Might be last chance for Man U in regulation. Throw in the corner

Ronaldo doing his dance but his cross finds no one

And we're done with regulation.

Ronaldo seriously looks like he's about to cry. Must be because the extra time is going to run in on his time with a Russian tranny.

They have this commercial where it shows a bunch of 20 something hipsters watching the game in a swanky apartment and they pass their Heniken keg can around on a skateboard. I don't know what they are saying but I bet it's something gay. If I'm ever in a situation like that, please shoot me.


Let me start by saying I'm probably not going to be able to stick around for the rest of the game because quitting time is at 5:00

A sub for Chelsea

Ronaldo down the side line, falls, looks around for a call, realizes he isn't going to get one then
hangs his head and runs back.

A chance off the cross bar for Chelsea, a great pass then a little flick to the far post from about 15 feet away hits the crossbar, literally 2 inches from a goal.

Ronaldo with the cross, to no one

The Welshman is bitching about something, looks important.

OK we'll I need to sign off I'll just recap the rest of the game, I guess. sorry.

Another appearance for the stretcher guys (that's 3 thus far)

Some shirtless old guys in the stands.


Wow, did I ever miss some important shit. Here’s a brief rundown: Drogba kinda slapped a guy in the second OT (video below) and got sent off so Chelsea was playing a man down. Regardless, they forced penalty kicks. Ronaldo is the only one who misses and it is down to Chelsea’s John Terry to make it (this is where Drogba would usually be kicking). He loses his footing and the ball grazes the outside of the post. Then it’s make, make and then Man U makes but Chelsea misses and the UEFA Champions League Championship (weird?) goes to Manchester United with the final score being 1-1 (6-5 on penalty kicks). Damn, that was a pretty dramatic ending, good thing I’m not a real Chelsea fan otherwise I’d probably shoot myself, that was brutal.

Let’s make this running diary of the UEFA final an annual tradition (I swear it'll be better at it next year). Same bad time, same bad channel.

Here's the video of the Drogba slap: