Friday, November 30, 2007

Rock and Roll Can Never Die...

In a further attempt to be an old man while actually being a 22 year-0ld I am attending some pretty sweet concerts this weekend featuring some old, drugged out rock and roll legends.

Saturday night- Jethro Tull at the Oakdale in Wallingford, CT

Sunday night- Neil Young at the Orpheum in Boston

Have some sweet videos

Jethro Tull- A Song for Jeffrey

Neil Young (with Crosby, Stills, and Nash)- Down by the River

Here is what these guys looked like in their prime, hopefully they won't be too fat/bald/old but whatever.

Aftermath from Celtics Prison Rape of Knicks

Wow. I can't even begin to describe what happened last night in the Celtics 104-59 destruction of the Knicks. It was unbelievable. I think New York had more airballs than made field goals. I was obviously happy that the Celtics won but as a "supporter with an emotional attachment" to the Knicks I was disappointed (especially because I had Z-Bo and Eddy Curry in fantasy and they went like 3-of-62 from the field).

Also, tonight I have an interesting decision: the C's are on ESPN at Miami and the Knicks are home against a surprisingly good Bucks team. I think the C's game will be close but there is a 25% chance Isiah is immediately fired after the game or a Knick walks off the floor during play. I think I'll just flip back and forth (unless, of course, Gus Johnson and Clyde are calling the NYK game).

Anyway let's see how my predictions for last night held up:

Total Score
Predicted: Boston 104 New York 86
Actual: Boston 104 New York 59

Well I hit the C's score right on the head. That has to be worth something, right? I don't think there is anyone in the world who could have predicted that type of offensive (and offensive) let down from the Knicks. (NO CHECK.)

Stats- (predicted in italics, actual in bold)

OK, I think I did a pretty decent job considering that the starters played like 20 minutes and not at all in the fourth.

Random Predictions:

-Z-Bo's lack of hustle getting back on D is obvious at least 3 times. (CHECK) He probably loafed 6-7 times and would continued to do so if not for the fact that he intentionally got in foul trouble so he wouldn't have to play anymore.

-KG grabs a billion rebounds. (CHECK) I know he only had 11 but he only played 23 minutes. If he had played his normal 35 or so he would have almost 20 ball boards.

-Marbury shoots less than 35% from the field. (CHECK). Starbury was 2-of-6 (33%) from the floor.

-Isiah has that puzzled smirk on his face midway through the 2nd quarter. (NO CHECK) It happened about 4 minutes into the first quarter.

-There is no way the Celtics lose. Put every cent you have on C's -12.5. (CHECK) Man, I should've really put some money on this game. I hope someone out there did.

Oh and take the over (208) in the Houston-Golden State game. (NO CHECK) Damn it was real close though 113-94 (207). Some books did have it at 207 so maybe you got lucky and pushed.

Well, I think I did alright overall considering the circumstances. I bet the Knicks feel like they need a shower right now.

Thursday, November 29, 2007

New York-Boston Preview

Knicks at Celtics

Words can't describe how incredibly excited I am for tonights Knicks at Celtics game. I am a huge C's fan but I don't get their games every night so I watch the Knicks on MSG and I have become, well, fan is too strong a word so I'll go with: supporter who is emotionally invested in the team. Now as a Boston fan I suppose I should hate all New York teams but I can't hate the Knicks for several reasons:

-Los Angeles is the Celtics true rival so they are the team I hate (until Kobe and Rhodey Alum Lamar Odom leave)

-The Knicks are a virtual non-threat to the Celtics this year.

-Walt "Clyde" Frazier does the teams announcing and I get giddy every time I see/hear him. If you don't know who Clyde is then A) kill yourself and B) keep reading because I'll elaborate on this later.

ANYWAY what better way to commemorate this historic (and by historic I mean first of four games this season) event by writing an excessively long preview of the game, complete with full projected stats and other random predictions. We'll start first with a breakdown of each team's roster, player by player, in reverse order of importance. (Note: this is probably going to be unwieldy and very amatuerish so don't expect Shakespeare).

The Visiting New York Knicks: (parenthesis indicate experience)

15. Wilson Chandler-F- 6-8, 220, DePaul (R)

An athletic forward who has played only about 20 minutes this year. According to ESPN's Jon Hollinger he plays pretty much like fellow Knick Renaldo Balkman. Do not expect to see him tonight.

14. Jerome James-C- 7-1, 285, Florida A&M (7)

I don't think this fatso has played all year. Here's Hollinger's take: "Big Macs: $7.64. French Fries: $1.83. Slurpee: $4.29. Getting paid $30 million on the basis of four good playoff games: Priceless. James remains the shining symbol of the waste and excess of the Isiah Thomas era in New York, fading further out of the rotation while appearing utterly content to cash checks at the end of the Knicks' bench." FAT PEOPLE!

13. Randolph Morris-C- 6-11, 260, Kentucky (1)

Actually he probably should be the bottom man on this list but I don't feel like moving everything around. He's played 5 minutes total this season. When the time it takes you to jerk off is greater than the total number of minutes a basketball player has played all year that tells you that they probably won't see the floor. I put in that off-color joke because I am 100% sure that no one is reading this. Cock! Balls! Seriously I will mail the first person to comment on this post a dollar. No joke. (good through Friday at 5)

12. Malik Rose-F- 6-7, 255 Drexel (11)

Umm... He's averaging about 1 point and 1 rebound per game. He's a pretty tough defender who is a major liability on the offensive end of the floor.

11. Jared Jefferies-F- 6-11, 240, Indiana (5)

Jefferies missed the first part of the season with a knee injury but has played decent as off late. He comes in every now and then to spell the bigs. Bonus points because I think his Indiana team beat Duke in the tournament a couple of years ago.

10. Mardy Collins-G- 6-6, 215, Temple (1)

Collins started a couple games at point when Marbury went Dave Chappelle on his team. However, instead of making the most of the situation he got hurt and hasn't played much since. He's a pretty strong guy for a guard so he rebounds well.

9. Fred Jones-G- 6-2, 225, Oregon (5)

The former slam-dunk champion joined the Knicks this offseason. He is very athletic and can score but is a poor shooter. As Jon Hollinger points out he had the worst non-layup 2-point FG% of anyone in the league last year.

8. Renaldo Balkman-F- 6-8, 208 South Carolina (1)

Balkman is a high-energy player who can be a defensive stopper for the Knicks. He annoyed the crap out of 'Melo when the two teams squared off earlier this year and was big reason for the NY victory. He has recently missed a couple games with an ankle injury but is back, providing Isiah with good defender/rebounder.

7. Nate Robinson-G- 5-9, 180 Washington (2)

Nasty Nate stole the slam dunk contest from Andre Iguodala a couple years back and hasn't done much since besides tackle J.R. Smith into the stands. Nate is lightning-quick and has a decent outside shot. He is one of the Knicks top scorers on a per minute basis. He backs up Marbury at the point and should receive some decent minutes tonight. Just for the hell of it here's the video of him rejecting Yao last year:

6. David Lee-F- 6-9, 240, Florida (2)

David Lee became the white Paul Millsap after Millsap out hustled him in last week's NYK-Jazz game. However that rarely happens. David Lee tries so hard all the time he's going to have a heart attack by the time he is 30. Lee is a terrific rebounder, especially on the offensive glass, who cleans up a lot of the Knicks garbage. I saw him take an outside jumper just once. As is expected he is not very athletic so he isn't a great defender but it is entertaining to see him play every minute of every game like its Game 7 of the Finals, especially compared to Easy Eddy Curry.

5. Quentin Richardson-F- 6-6, 235, DePaul (7)

Q-Rich is a pretty good player, when he's on a good team, but he isn't. He's pretty boring to me for some reason so I'm just going to quote Hollinger on this one: "Richardson is one of the league's strongest wing players, and a very good leaper when he can power up off two feet. Those factors make him an outstanding rebounder for his size, so even though he's 6-5 he can overpower other wings under the basket. He's also a strong post player, though the Knicks haven't indulged this facet of his game since they don't really need another guy on the blocks."

4. Jamal Crawford-G- 6-5, 200, Michigan (7)

Jamal genuinely tries hard, I think, so that makes him different than most of his teammates. He is a good outside shooter who can catch fire, as evidenced by his 52 point game last year. He is a good ball-handler (haha) and can slash to the basket, but doesn't very often. Hollinger said something about poor shot selection but whatever, I'm moving on.

3. Eddy Curry-C- 6-11, unquantifiable, Thornwood HS (IL) (6)

Eddy is a large man. That being said he is a killer scorer in the low post but does little else. He doesn't pass, rebound, or block shots. He rarely hustles and stinks at the line. When he wants to play hard he can be very good but he usually is content to score 18 points using his baby hook shot. He came in this year a little slimmer and has turned in two very-quality, high-effort games this year against the Nuggets and the Jazz (coincidentally, or not so coincidentally, those were Knick wins at MSG). If Curry hustles and stays out of foul trouble he can be a surprisingly good player.

2. Zach Randolph-F- 6-9, 260, Michigan St. (6)

Z-Bo was acquired for cents on the dollar this offseason from Portland because the Blazers didn't want him withing 100 miles of Greg Oden. He has struggled off the court with some legal issues but he can be a killer when his head is on straight. Z-Bo is a great rebounder who has a very good low-post game but also has range out to 20 feet which makes him hard for typical big men to defend. He can also create of the dribble. However he is a total non-factor defensively, other than rebounding. This is shown in his grand total of 1 (one) blocked shot this year, which is pretty impressive. Zach missed 3 games earlier this year because of the death of his beloved grandmother.

1. Stephon Marbury-G- 6-2, 205, Georgia Tech (11)

This Coney Island native has been an enigma wrapped in a paradox, shrouded in a mystery his entire career but especially this season. He left the team for a game this year because he reportedly got into a fight with Isiah over playing time. He has a big ego and is a large part of the reason the Knicks struggle with chemistry. That being said, I am a huge Starbury apologist and I think he is misunderstood. If you don't think so read this NY Times article about what he was doing back in NYC after he left the Knicks. On the floor Marbury is still very talented. He can shoot, create of the dribble, and pass but he has been affected with the defensive malaise from which the rest of the team suffers. He has stepped up his defense since returning to the team. He is #1 on this list because if Steph is playing well and hustling on defense they can be very good but when he isn't watch out, they stink. Note: this game is a semi-reunion with former teammate KG.

The Homestanding Boston Celtics:

14. Brandon Wallace-F- 6-9, 203, South Carolina (R)

The new employee # 8. I'm pretty sure he's in the D-League right meow.

13. Gabe Pruitt-G- 6-4, 170, USC (R)

Pruitt could be in the D-League too but I'm too lazy to check. Oh wait, he just got called back to the team. Just in time too. It was a shaky couple weeks without the third-string, rookie, rail-thin point guard.

12. Scott Pollard-C- 6-11, 268, Kansas (10)

Scotty is rocking a mountain man look that only Mumphis' Pau Gasol can rival. Otherwise Pollard brings little else to the table. He is brought in by Doc to goon it up and spell Perk or KG so they don't get in foul trouble. Bonus points for mouthing "hey kids, do drugs" into a TV camera during a telecast while with Cleveland.

11. Leon Powe-F- 6-8, 240, California (1)

Why couldn't the Celtics keep Ryan Gomes!?! Now we're stuck with this undersized power forward who brings little else besides rebounding and athleticism to the table. Here's another free dollar opportunity (good through Friday at 5). Thats two dollars total!! (one dollar per person max though)

10. Big Baby Davis-F- 6-9, unquantifiable, LSU (R)

BIG BABY! There is no other player I enjoy watching play more than Big Baby. He is 100% entertaining all the time, even when he plays poorly. Why won't Doc play him more. Oh well, Glen brings energy, decent scoring and rebounding to the table along with tons of hilarity. I am very, very excited to see him attempt to guard Eddy Curry. The parquet floor may collapse.

9. Brian Scalabrine-F- g-9, 235, Ginger U. (6)

Scal leads the C's in Tommy Points. He can shoot decently from the outside and does everything else OK with the exception of looking cool because he certainly does not. You know how Larry Bird said he was insulted when he was defended by a white guy, well I think I would be offended if Scalbrine guarded me in a pick up game.

8. Tony Allen-G- 6-4, 213, Oklahoma St. (3)

Tony Allen has dropjaw athleticism and can be a real pain to opposing players. He tore two knee ligaments last year dunking the ball after the whistle was blown. Here's Hollinger's take: "Allen is basically a 6-4 version of Charlotte's Gerald Wallace. He's a potent slasher who can get to the rim thanks to a zippy first step, and he's a thunderous finisher in transition. He can't shoot at all -- he made only nine long 2-pointers on the year -- but he makes free throws and generated a lot of shots even though defenders played way off him." He's questionable for tonights game.

7. Eddie House-G- 6-1, 175, Arizona St. (7)

Eddie is a terrific, albeit, streaky three point shooter who can catch fire. He serves as the teams back up point guard, kind of. He is a poor defender so when his shots aren't going down there is little reason for Doc to keep him on the floor.

6. James Posey-F- 6-8, 217, Xavier (8)

Umm.... Posey is the Celtics best perimeter defender and can shoot from the outside. Here's Hollinger: "Once upon a time Posey was a strong finisher in transition, but increasingly he's relied on spotting up on the wings for 3s for the bulk of his offense, to the point that he's pretty much one-dimensional these days. Don't expect him to put the ball on the floor, but that's OK -- he's not a good ballhandler anyway. He'll get some scraps on putbacks, as he's become an increasingly active rebounder in recent seasons. Posey's defense is better than his offense. He's active in passing lanes and at 6-8 can use his length to bother shooters. However, he defends the 3 much better than the 2, as quicker wings tend to blow by him off the dribble."

5. Kendrick Perkins-C- 6-10, 264, Clifton J. Ozen HS (TX) (4)

Perk has been thrust from relative obscurity to a major part of one the NBA's elite teams. He isn't a great scorer but rebounds well and plays hard on D. I like this excerpt from Hollinger a lot: "Perkins stayed in the lineup [last year] primarily because of his post defense. A bruising, physical defender with a warrior mentality, he makes up for a lack of height at the center position because of his wide body and intensity." If anything he is more intense this year, he has to be other wise KG would rip his heart out at midcourt.

4. Rajon Rondo-G- 6-1, 171, Kentucky (1)

Rondo is fast as lightning and is a good perimeter defender who forces a lot of turnovers. He can get to the rim at will but seems to have his shot blocked every time he gets there. He also is not good at shooting the ball. I have no idea why he was allowed to shoot in overtime against Cleveland. I don't think anyone does.

1.A. Ray Allen-G- 6-5, 205, Connecticut (11)

I can't say enough about Jesus Shuttlesworth I really can't. He has the sweetest jump shot in the NBA and is surprisingly capable off the dribble. He can finish with gusto as well. I'm still wondering how he missed those two free throws against the Cleve. He has hit two buzzer beaters already this year so I can't be too upset. DAGGER!

1.B. Paul Pierce-G/F- 6-7, 235, Kansas (9)

Paul is hardcore, he's been stabbed. He is a terrific scorer who can score from anywhere, deep, mid range, even in the low post. (If you couldn't tell that I'm running out of gas then you have serious mental problems).

1.C. Kevin Garnett-F- 6-11, 220, Farragut Academy HS (IL) (12)

I am seriously frightened of this man. He has been an absolute beast this year although I was surprised to find out that so much of his offense relies on his jump shot.

Predictions (besides pain)
Boston 104 New York 86

Projected Stats-
New York Rebs. Asst. Stl. Blk. Pts.
Starbury 4 6 1 0 14
Crawford 3 4 2 0 16
Q-Rich 6 3 1 0 9
Z-Bo 11 1 1 0 19
Curry 6 0 0 1 14

Boston Rebs. Asst. Stl. Blk. Pts.
Rondo 2 8 3 0 9
Jesus 3 4 2 0 17
The Truth 5 5 2 0 24
The Big Ticket 17 3 1 2 25
Perk 9 1 0 1 12

Other Random Predictions:

-Z-Bo's lack of hustle getting back on D is obvious at least 3 times.

-KG grabs a billion rebounds

-Marbury shoots less than 35% from the field

-Isiah has that puzzled smirk on his face midway through the 2nd quarter.

-There is no way the Celtics lose. Put every cent you have on C's -12.5. Oh and take the over (208) in the Houston-Golden State game.

Bonus Stats:

NY 4-9 95.8 102.3 4-3 0-6 W2 2-8
BOS 11-2 102.8 91.2 7-0 4-2 L1 8-2

I know I never got to Clyde, I will soon but I don't have the energy to do him justice.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

I'm back and better than ever

Maggies and Gentlemen,

I'm back on the scene. I know that I have been gone for awhile, so put down the tissues and get ready to be slightly offended (just enough to make you laugh uncomfortably). Actually, this may not offend that many people because I would like to make fun of nerds. (a nnnnyerd)
Oh, the glorious pastie, fat, pimply, yet somehow better than you nerd.
Today I am driving to work and some crazy asshole throws the blinker on and swerves into my lane, cutting me off. (cutters) Then, get this, SLOWS DOWN TO THE SAME SPEED AS THE GUY IN THE OTHER LANE. Oh dear Lord, I hate this guy and everything he stands for or pretends to believe in. Here is the breakdown of why I hate this fat assmonkey.
License Plate : BDGAMER (board gamer)
Bumper Sticker: Board Games Bring People Together. At least some of us.
Halitosis : Severe
Weight : One million metric tons
Car : Prius
Sex Life : Right Handed
Ability to impress others: none
Chances of survival in the wild: zero

Now the baby's upset. So this jerk has cut me off, granted I was speeding, and is now blocking me from moving forward. Then I see the other guy. Holy crap:
License Plate : DNDMSTR (D&D Master)
Bumper Sticker: Nerds make the world wide web go-round.
Halitosis : Moderate to Severe
Weight : A single metric ton
Car : Subaru Fiero? (the camaro one)
Sex Life : ambidextrous (makes him a real playa in Nerdville)
Ability to impress others: none
Chances of survival in the wild: one

So I politely blast my horn and start screaming obscenities at the top of my lungs. Now, normally I would start swerving erratically and flashing my lights, but BDGAMER slows down and gets in the right lane. He looks over to me as I pass him and mouths, "Fuck you meathead" or butthead.
Now here's the thing kiddos, what really pissed me off, was that he cut me off and yet is somehow taking the moral high ground because I "bullied" him with my horn. Here's an idea.....Learn How To F'ing Drive like a man. We are not riding chariots through the World of Warcraft shooting arrows at Orcs and Goblins, or playing tummy sticks with Harry Potter, we are driving at seventy miles an hour in a REAL car on a REAL road when I am REALLY late to my REAL job so I can afford my lovely REAL girlfriend and her REAL shopping issues. Just because you can still do long division, still remember your homeroom teacher, still have your yearbook next to your bed, and can beat me in a board game by casting imaginary spells, does NOT make you a better person than me. Okay, so some jerk took your lunch money, sorry, wasn't me. I would have, but it wasn't me. So take the Hillary 08 and Drive Green bumper stickers off your car, take a shower, throw the games in the garbage and do what normal losers do. Go to a bar alone, drink alone, and go home alone. Take you're better-than-you-because-I-am-smart-and-drive-a-Prius-and-like-dudes attitude and stick it up your ass. Nerds will inherit the earth? No, Bill Gates did, Steve Jobs did, You Did Not.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

SHOCK: Queer Train Conductor Hat Spreads to Pedroia; Apocalypse Imminent

With all the hoopla and fanfare surrounding Boston sports right meow the larger story has been lost. Mainly, Junior Seau's refusal to stop wearing his gay train conductor hat even though it is wildly embarrassing to all fans of the Patriots. Maybe, just maybe it's a good luck charm and the reason for the Pats recent success but is looking like a gay train conductor worth it? I answer a resounding NO to this question. Now I'm not saying I would rather have him wear a normal hat in lieu of being undefeated but... wait that is exactly what I am saying. There's no way the gay conductor hat is so lucky that the Pats couldn't be 8-1 or at least 7-2 without it. For me seeing an athlete on my favorite team wearing that hat is as mentally damaging as losing a couple of games, probably more so. Observe the following hypothetical conversation:

Me: The Pats are unstoppable.
Jets Fan: Yeah but your middle linebacker masquerades as a gay train conductor and drives the Gay Train to Gayville.
Me: You mean the Randall Gay Train?
Jets Fan: What? ... I like dudes.

See? This is what I am talking about. Being the genius that he is Belichick should have nipped this thing in the bud from the beginning and put a clause in his contract specifically banning gay train conductor hats.

Unfortunately the problem is spreading. Yes, friends, newly-crowned AL Rookie of the Year Dustin Pedroia was spotted wearing a gay train conductor hat. This thing has got to stop, NOW! At least Seau is going to retire after this year but Pedroia could be rocking his gay train conductor hat for the next decade. I am not ready for this. Honestly I think the only right thing to do is trade Pedroia while his stock is high and before other fan bases see him wearing his gay train conductor hat and public outcry blocks any possible deal. I'm not sure who the Sox could get back for him but as long as he hits .250 and refrains from wearing hats that send ambiguous sexual messages I'll be fine. We must put an end to this before I see Ray Allen wearing one and kill myself (seriously I will, no joke). (I have no fear of this phenomenon spreading to the Bruins because if one hockey player saw another wearing such a ridiculous hat they would put him in traction).

Note: The reason I dislike those hats so much is not that they are really fruity but because they are an embarrassment. Everytime I see Seau (and now Pedroia) wearing that hat I just shake my head and think to myself, "What or who gave you the impression that that hat is OK?"

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Reason # 11,397 Why I Hate the Sports Media

Here's a link to the article that caused me to hurl a stapler across the office and subsequently forced me to attend an anger management along with my sensitivity class.

If your too lazy to read it or if you fear that you might also lodge an office supply in the ugly intern's forehead let me summarize it for you: "I'm Dr. Z, I like little boys, I want to suck off Peyton Manning on national television." That's about it. He argues that Manning's six (SIX!, 6!) interception performance was one of his best games ever because his receiving corp was so depleted. Those receivers were not that much worse than what Brady was working with from 2001-2005 and a hell of a lot better than the one's he had last year. Reggie Wayne would be the best receiver Brady every played with before this year, better than Branch and light-years ahead of Reche Caldwell. And I'm pretty sure the quarterback needs to throw the ball well before the WRs even have a chance to catch it. Manning didn't, he couldn't overcome adversity.

The Colts had so many injuries. Blah Blah Blah. Cry me a river. This is the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE every team has injuries. Z also blames the game on Vinatieri. True, he blew it but if Manning hadn't sucked so bad they wouldn't have needed that kick. He threw SIX interceptions!!!! That is the reason they lost, plain and simple. If Manning had limited his shittiness to even 3 or 4 interceptions they would have won.

Also, why isn't anyone talking about Green Bay running up the score on poor defenseless Minnesota. Up by 27 with 5 minutes to Favre thew a 20+ yard pass into the endzone, had the Vikings not sucked so bad it wouldn't have been a touchdown but still they were throwing it with a big lead in the fourth quarter. Where are the ESPN talking heads yelling about Brett Favre hates America and should be executed? When Favre throws a meaningless touchdown late the commentators say things like, "he's just out there having fun, he's a big kid," but when Brady does it they talk about it like it was a school shooting or something. Give me a break. I hate 95% of sports coverage (which is coincidentally, or perhaps not so coincidentally, about the percentage of time most major sports outlets devote to the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE.) I hope Chris Berman chokes on a ham sandwich.

Monday, November 12, 2007

BREAKING NEWS: Red Sox Keep Winning Shit

Everyone's favorite cocky, Portuguese, undersized second baseman, Dustin Pedroia, just won the AL Rookie of the Year. I think that Terry Francona should get at least half this award. I was calling for Alex Cora (that's right, THE Alex Cora) when Dusty was hitting .182 in May. The only thing keeping him from not batting his weight was the fact that dude weighed 150 lbs soaking wet with a brick in his pocket. But Tito stuck with him and it paid off big time as the diminutive middle infielder helped the team to a World Series title. I'm sure that first-time Gold Glover Youk was also very pleased that Pedroia stuck around because I hear that Dusty is now the center of clubhouse mockery and shenanigans instead of him and his ugly, ugly face. Also it was revealed that Dusty played the last two months with a broken wrist, what a bad ass.

P.S. We scooped the shit out of ESPN on this one.

Real Men of Genius

Being Irish Catholic, I feel a responsibility to root for the Irish of Notre Dame, but this year has made me uneasy about that policy. This is a well handled insight from some Boston College fella

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

What happened to Z-Bo's Headband?

Throughout the course of the past two Knicks games Zach Randolph has shed his headband. Why? I have no clue but I do know the phenomenon spread to fellow fat, low-post sensation Eddy Curry last night. These are the questions that keep me up at night.

P.S. Those picks above are from the Minnesota game on Sunday.

Security Detail

If, and when, I'm important enough to have my own security detail, I don't see the point in having a bunch of meat heads in dark suits with stupid walkie talkies. Ninjas, brother, Ninjas. I'm not paying all that money so that you can sit around wondering which monkey is security and which monkey is just wearing a suit and has an affinity for steroids. No! I want people to fear my security detail. I want F'ing Ninjas.

Imagine, you're out on the town and you get to a club, you're in line, and a limo pulls up. It's someone important, they have security with them. I get out of the limo, you run up for an autograph and are SWARMED by ten or fifteen sword-brandishing ninjas. Now that's frightening. Forget guns and shit, I want steel, stealth, and super-ninjistics.

There are other great uses for ninja security details. Mainly, the somewhat egregious use of smoke bombs. If you say something really awkward and need an out, SNAP, ninjas descend from the heavens, hurling magic smoke bombs that swiftly engulf you in a glorious cloud of invisibility. Poof, you're gone. Patrons are flabbergasted as to how you were able to disappear into a cloud of smoke, leaving behind only mystery and the bar tab floating in the air. The bar tab floats down and lands on the table, promptly impaled by a throwing star with a C-Note stuck in it. Now that is bad-friggin-ass.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Farmers are Selfish Assholes

Daylight savings time is a crock of shit. Always has been. I know it gives you an extra hour in the fall so we get the always fun "Hour That Doesn't Count" but that isn't worth it. Now when I get out of work it's dark. Is the government trying to make me kill myself? Seriously, as if work weren't depressing enough already now when I leave it's night time so I never really get to be out in the sun. I guess this whole travishamockery was started to give the farmers extra time with their crops but I'm not buying it. What does it matter if they work from 7 a.m. to 6 p.m. instead of 6 a.m. to 5 p.m. I guess farmers are just so fucking proud of themselves they can't bear the thought being considered lazy because they screw their livestock at 7 instead of at 6 in the morning. Furthermore daylight savings time just goes to prove that time is completely artificial and we can manipulate however we want. Here's a better idea: The hours from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. (during the week) are only 30 minutes long and 5-6 is is a 300 minute extravaganza. Now that would be one kick ass Happy Hour. Why don't we do this? It makes as much sense as moving the clocks around for the precious, precious farmers. Did you know some states don't even recognize daylight savings time? Yes, Arizona, the eastern timezone of Indiana, and Hawaii tell the government where they can shove their little clock-tampering scheme. And the final, and main, reason daylight savings time sucks is because it fucks with the clock on my computer and even though I fix it, it resets itself over night. So naturally I forget about it and then I look at the clock and it says 11 a.m. and I'm like, "sweet, this day is flying by" but then I realize that its only 10 and I am thrown into a blind rage and I punched that guy in the throat that one time and now I have to go to sensitivity training all because farmers are selfish assholes.

Friday, November 2, 2007


I am excited as hell to watch the Celtics tonight. It is going to be one of the defining moments of my life, with out a doubt bigger than my high school and college graduations.

Well here's a sweet video to get you pumped for the Celtics... and the weekend

My dad can kick your dads ass

Maggie and I were IM'ing headlines to eachother about violence in Massachusetts this weekend. Conversation quickly turned for the worse:

Maggie131313 (3:55:09 PM):
DTMcCrann (3:55:50 PM): wow
DTMcCrann (3:58:07 PM): did you see all the other one
Maggie131313 (3:58:20 PM): to
DTMcCrann (3:58:10 PM): s
Maggie131313 (3:58:27 PM): ?
DTMcCrann (3:58:15 PM): on the left
Maggie131313 (3:58:27 PM): no
Maggie131313 (3:58:40 PM): no
DTMcCrann (3:58:56 PM): Party ended with a fight -- and a fatal gunshot
DTMcCrann (3:59:03 PM): Two dead after Worcester shooting
DTMcCrann (3:59:10 PM): Lawrence teen charged in fatal shooting
Maggie131313 (3:59:33 PM): awesome
DTMcCrann (3:59:24 PM): Salem police: stabbings and shooting unrelated to Halloween festivities
DTMcCrann (3:59:26 PM): Party ended with a fight -- and a fatal gunshot
Maggie131313 (3:59:43 PM): yes i see
DTMcCrann (3:59:33 PM): Dorchester pizza shop owner shot in head while chasing robber
DTMcCrann (3:59:38 PM): sweet state you got there
Maggie131313 (3:59:58 PM): oh shut the fuck up
DTMcCrann (3:59:48 PM): haha
DTMcCrann (3:59:54 PM): it's worse in DC
Maggie131313 (4:00:07 PM): DC is soooo classy
Maggie131313 (4:00:08 PM): NO
Maggie131313 (4:00:14 PM): i'm from cohasset
Maggie131313 (4:00:18 PM): let's get serious
DTMcCrann (4:00:06 PM): Rich bitch
DTMcCrann (4:00:13 PM): I'm from GF
DTMcCrann (4:00:26 PM): the richest town in the richest county in the country
Maggie131313 (4:00:42 PM): yeah except you moved away like 10 yrs ago....
DTMcCrann (4:00:34 PM): yeah
DTMcCrann (4:00:40 PM): well you lived in NH
DTMcCrann (4:00:43 PM): redneck
Maggie131313 (4:00:59 PM): ummm
Maggie131313 (4:01:00 PM): no i didnt
Maggie131313 (4:01:03 PM): i lived in vermont
DTMcCrann (4:00:54 PM): oh yeah
DTMcCrann (4:00:56 PM): hippie
DTMcCrann (4:01:01 PM): HA
Maggie131313 (4:01:14 PM): ted-i'm better than you
Maggie131313 (4:01:21 PM): just get it through your head and shut up
DTMcCrann (4:01:09 PM): my dad can kick your dads ass
Maggie131313 (4:01:38 PM): dunc cant take ed
DTMcCrann (4:01:31 PM): fuck you he can't
Maggie131313 (4:01:43 PM): ed would eat dunc for breakfast
Maggie131313 (4:01:51 PM): in between the nails and screws
DTMcCrann (4:01:49 PM): My dad KNOWS the lord
DTMcCrann (4:01:51 PM): personall
DTMcCrann (4:01:52 PM): y
Maggie131313 (4:02:15 PM): no thats your mom
DTMcCrann (4:02:15 PM): my dad played college football
DTMcCrann (4:02:21 PM): my dad is a fireman
Maggie131313 (4:02:34 PM): my grandfather played for the boston red sox
Maggie131313 (4:02:35 PM): EAT IT
DTMcCrann (4:02:25 PM): my dad is a ninja
DTMcCrann (4:02:37 PM): my grandfather killed people
Maggie131313 (4:02:55 PM): sweet
Maggie131313 (4:02:58 PM): i could kill people if i wanted
DTMcCrann (4:02:50 PM): no you couldn't
Maggie131313 (4:03:04 PM): but you couldnt play for the bosox if you wanted
DTMcCrann (4:02:52 PM): pussy
Maggie131313 (4:03:08 PM): so i win
DTMcCrann (4:02:59 PM): neither could you
Maggie131313 (4:03:19 PM): nope i couldnt
DTMcCrann (4:03:07 PM): cause you're a stupid girl
Maggie131313 (4:03:24 PM): but MY grandfather could
Maggie131313 (4:03:25 PM): not yours
Maggie131313 (4:03:26 PM): mine
DTMcCrann (4:03:17 PM): stupid smelly girl
Maggie131313 (4:03:34 PM): girls do not smell
DTMcCrann (4:03:29 PM): my grandfather played football too
DTMcCrann (4:03:36 PM): against the four horseman
Maggie131313 (4:03:55 PM): good fr him
DTMcCrann (4:04:08 PM): i hate you
DTMcCrann (4:04:13 PM): we are so over
Maggie131313 (4:04:31 PM): hmmm
Maggie131313 (4:04:32 PM): ok
DTMcCrann (4:04:24 PM): good

I love the French

I love France and you should too. Here's why: France acts like America will act when we are eventually passed as the world's top dog (by China, Russia, Iceland, Mars, whoever), which will happen at some point. I'm not saying it's going to happen in my lifetime or in the lifetime of my children or their children and so forth but it is an indisputable fact America will not last as the world's top power forever (unless, of course, a war destroys the world and everybody dies then we get to go out on top, Go America!). This is a fact as surely as the sky is blue and the grass green. If you think differently you are clearly insane or completely ignorant of history; I will not spend time arguing this point. ANYWAY, whenever that does happen America is going to be just like modern-day France: a former super power, bitter at their diminished place in the world. Americans will respond to this exactly as the French have: by acting like pompous, arrogant assholes (not that we (and especially I) don't already). We're going to demand that our language still be used in the UN and that our opinions are as important as the new power's, just like the French today. True, this theory may be a bit farsighted but I like to think of France as a crotchety old man, its a lot more fun that way.

Further reasons I like France:
-Ruthlessly killed their monarchy and nobility (there's nothing sweeter than killing royalty)
-Helped America in the Revolution (this can't be overemphasized)
-Jean-Claude Van Damme (I know he's Belgian but that's a fake country anyway)
-Barometers (sweet!)
-Mille Bornes (the most underrated card game of all time, like Uno on steriods)
-Charles de Gaulle (very intriguing badass)
-They may be the only entity that hates the American government more than me (Important note: I still love America)

Yeah, I know we had to bail these cheese-eating surrender monkeys out in the Second World War and they got us tangled up in Vietnam but we probably wouldn't be around in the first place if it weren't for their help in the Revolution against evil evil Britain. I think we need to have a broader view of history when making judgments about other countries. Viva la America!

I hate the French. Except this guy.

Sarkozy, you beautiful son of a bitch, I freakin' love you. During and interview with CBS' Leslie "Let's talk about irrelevant bullshit" Stahl, Sarkozy was asked about his wife and a possible seperation and divorce. He was put off by the question, as it was in no way relevant news, so he did what I would do. Acted like a gentleman and a badass, took off his mic, shook hands and walked the F out of the interview. Enjoie, mon ami.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Halloween Hilarity

I know we're a day late for Halloween but here are some great clips. I saw this first one on America's Funniest Videos a couple years back. It's hilarious.

J 'Mannetti D'Brickashaw Crustaceous' E- Exhibits A and B

Tom Brady can cure scurvy with a wave of his hand

I'm sick of this whole Patriot's running up the score bullshit. At least the spygate thing had some merit (but not too much because its obvious that all the material the Pats handed into the league had evidence of other teams cheating and that's why everything was swept under the rug. Think about it.) but this garbage is out of control. Anyway I'm not going to rant about this but provide you Freedom Lovers with a couple links that show the hypocritical nature of the media when it comes to discussing the Patriots dominance.

"Skeltons in the closet" from Cold Hard Football

"Four score and several more" from

I think these articles paint a pretty clear picture of what's going on...