Tuesday, November 20, 2007

I'm back and better than ever

Maggies and Gentlemen,

I'm back on the scene. I know that I have been gone for awhile, so put down the tissues and get ready to be slightly offended (just enough to make you laugh uncomfortably). Actually, this may not offend that many people because I would like to make fun of nerds. (a nnnnyerd)
Oh, the glorious pastie, fat, pimply, yet somehow better than you nerd.
Today I am driving to work and some crazy asshole throws the blinker on and swerves into my lane, cutting me off. (cutters) Then, get this, SLOWS DOWN TO THE SAME SPEED AS THE GUY IN THE OTHER LANE. Oh dear Lord, I hate this guy and everything he stands for or pretends to believe in. Here is the breakdown of why I hate this fat assmonkey.
License Plate : BDGAMER (board gamer)
Bumper Sticker: Board Games Bring People Together. At least some of us.
Halitosis : Severe
Weight : One million metric tons
Car : Prius
Sex Life : Right Handed
Ability to impress others: none
Chances of survival in the wild: zero

Now the baby's upset. So this jerk has cut me off, granted I was speeding, and is now blocking me from moving forward. Then I see the other guy. Holy crap:
License Plate : DNDMSTR (D&D Master)
Bumper Sticker: Nerds make the world wide web go-round.
Halitosis : Moderate to Severe
Weight : A single metric ton
Car : Subaru Fiero? (the camaro one)
Sex Life : ambidextrous (makes him a real playa in Nerdville)
Ability to impress others: none
Chances of survival in the wild: one

So I politely blast my horn and start screaming obscenities at the top of my lungs. Now, normally I would start swerving erratically and flashing my lights, but BDGAMER slows down and gets in the right lane. He looks over to me as I pass him and mouths, "Fuck you meathead" or butthead.
Now here's the thing kiddos, what really pissed me off, was that he cut me off and yet is somehow taking the moral high ground because I "bullied" him with my horn. Here's an idea.....Learn How To F'ing Drive like a man. We are not riding chariots through the World of Warcraft shooting arrows at Orcs and Goblins, or playing tummy sticks with Harry Potter, we are driving at seventy miles an hour in a REAL car on a REAL road when I am REALLY late to my REAL job so I can afford my lovely REAL girlfriend and her REAL shopping issues. Just because you can still do long division, still remember your homeroom teacher, still have your yearbook next to your bed, and can beat me in a board game by casting imaginary spells, does NOT make you a better person than me. Okay, so some jerk took your lunch money, sorry, wasn't me. I would have, but it wasn't me. So take the Hillary 08 and Drive Green bumper stickers off your car, take a shower, throw the games in the garbage and do what normal losers do. Go to a bar alone, drink alone, and go home alone. Take you're better-than-you-because-I-am-smart-and-drive-a-Prius-and-like-dudes attitude and stick it up your ass. Nerds will inherit the earth? No, Bill Gates did, Steve Jobs did, You Did Not.

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