I don't know Lloyd, the French are assholes.

Sounds like the French are taking a break from surrendering to plan their roads with amazing hilarity. If you cruise through the article here you'll see what I mean.

French hosehound does something kinda funny

So the French have dumped diplomacy in exchange for using city planing to take little jabs at each other. In a classic case of "hold me back"--where you say you're gonna fight someone but in reality you are just praying that your friends will hold you back long enough for the bouncers to throw everyone out of the club, where you continue to scream obscene things as you book it to a cab and thank god you didn't just get the shit beat out of you--two warring cities have placed one way streets that face each other. They outsourced the planning to the great great great grandson of the man that planned the streets in Boston, Seamus the Drunken Dancing Leprechaun the Sixth. Who, coincidentally, used the same tools for the planning of the roads as his predecessor, 18 pints of Guinness, a DUI arrest, an angry Polynesian hooker, a crayon and some construction paper.
While I'm at it, since our special teams writer apparently doesn't have enough vacation days from his 'freelance writing' job to read or write this blog, I would like to add this:

Tom Brady is gay.
Bill Belichick is a cheating hooker with a sex tape.
Manny Rameriz is a lazy bitch.
David Ortiz is fat.
The Boston Garden is a terrible venue.
The long chicken sandwich? It long chicken sucks ass.
Special Teams doesn't count.
France sucks.
Authority is awesome.
Bush was a genius.
Obama sucks.
The sky is green.
Ninjas are awesome.
Samurais can suck a big one.
Steven Seagal is a phenomenal actor.
Jim Rome is the best sports commentator ever.
Even though you punched me in the face, you still a little bitch.
AND I'M GLAD THE WHALERS MOVED!

Suck it bitch. Lets rumble!!!
( I love you, but I need to jumpstart things )
( But you did punch me in the face)

In which Ted and I get alliterative...

Ted: I like alliteration

pampered pooch pooped on the plywood

Doug: pampered pooch pleasantly pooped on the plywood
your turn
Ted: paraplegic pampered pooch pleasantly pooped on the purple plywood
SLAM!
Doug: you want to play that way?
fine
paraplegic pampered pug pooch pleasantly pooped on the purple plywood piano purposely put there by Peter Parker
Ted: polly pockets' paraplegic previously pampered pug pooch pleasantly pooped on the purple plywood piano purposely put there by Peter Parker, not peter pan, who previously purchased polly's precocious pug and pretty purple piano
HAHAHAHAHA
this is the most fun i have had in weeks
Doug: you repeat, cheater
Ted: i don't get credit for the repeats
Doug: ok
Ted: shit
we need to blog this
Doug: polly pockets' paraplegic pampered pug pooch pleasantly pooped on the purple plywood piano purposely put there by Peter Parker, not peter pan, who previously purchased Parker Posey's powerful, potent poster of Paramount's Powder
Ted: you dick
blog it
pleeeeease
Doug: i gotta buy Who tickets
you do it

Virginia beats the shit out of New England.

Listen here Chowdaheads.


Sad story for you snow-weary Plymouth rock monkeys. Virginia totally started America. 1607, Jamestown, Va. Birthplace of America. Look it up bitches.

Virginia is prettier, with 34 highly regarded state parks. Love the smell of America? I do. Where do I get my fix? Virginia's state parks!

New England isn't even a state. It's a stupid region with stupid regional parks. Plus, when is anything named after England good? (England, not an English person. Too easy, Doug)

Virgina gave birth to eight presidents.

Virginia grows tobacco, everyone looks cool when they smoke, even Richie Cunningham.

Our State capital was also the capital of a country. (One that was not recognized by the US, but who cares! Fuck em.)

We have the Pentagon, the CIA, and the NRA. Also, we have 7 dead presidents and Arlington National cemetery on our hallowed grounds.

Virginia was once so big and bad that it consisted of Virgina, West Virginia, Kentucky, Tennessee, North and South Carolina and DC. Beat that fuck stain.

Our accents sound better.

The Redskins are better (over time) than the patriots.

The Red Sox are better than anyone so fuck you Doug, I'm taking that one away.

America was born in Virginia.

Virginia is for lovers. We like to bump nasties.

p.s. Doug likes dudes.

Twelve. Twelve Mile. Twelve Mile Commute!

All that I want to do is get to work in a reasonable amount of time. That's it. Why is that so hard? Oh let me count the ways. The goddamn roads in NoVa are so over congested with Don Juan De Donthaveavisa and retarded bleach blond soccer moms that it takes me 45-60 minutes to travel 12 miles. Why? Because they are dirty, rotten perpetual brake tappers. Oh, is that a shiny rock? Tap the brakes. Is that dwarf riding a unicycle? Tap the breaks. Is that Osama bin Laden have crazy monkey sex with a manic-depressive flying squirrel? Tap the brakes.
Here is where it gets bad. What is the scariest thing that a brainless, tongue chewing braketapper can see? SOMEONE TAPPING THE BRAKES!!!! Holy freakin shit. Is that person tapping the brakes?!?! "I better come to a complete and total stop, during rush-hour, in the left lane, 1000 yards away from the other scary braketapper. And while I'm at it, why don't I end womens suffrage, slap a baby, push a cripple out of his powerchair, beat my wife, yell at an old lady, kill Jesus, rape the Easter bunny and pee in the hot tub?"
And don't even get me started on the smarmy Asian drivers. Holy hot Christ. My deepest fear in life, my definition of hell, my contrapasso is an 80 year old Asian lady driving an SUV in the rain, at night, while eating, putting on make up, yelling at her 40 grand kids, and talking on the phone. Screw being burned alive, that shit is scary as a mofo.

*Note to any who was offended by this: Get off the fucking road and kill yourself, I need to get to the office. Thanks! =)

Rick and Tina go missing!!!

"A Rhode Island college couple who vanished after having Valentine's Day dinner together called a friend, but are still missing MyFOXProvidence reported.
Scott is a student at Johnson and Wales University and Querzoli attends Bridgewater State College.
The 2044 Honda Civic they borrowed had a Johnson and Wales University decal on the back, and was low on gas. The car's New Jersey license plate reads RUF20X."

Of course, Rick and Tina live in Providence, the question is, where the hell did they go? Narragansett Beach? Danny's? PRIMETIME?!?!?!? Lord knows they'll get there fast in that silly 2044 Honda Civic.

I'm back and better than ever

Maggies and Gentlemen,

I'm back on the scene. I know that I have been gone for awhile, so put down the tissues and get ready to be slightly offended (just enough to make you laugh uncomfortably). Actually, this may not offend that many people because I would like to make fun of nerds. (a nnnnyerd)
Oh, the glorious pastie, fat, pimply, yet somehow better than you nerd.
Today I am driving to work and some crazy asshole throws the blinker on and swerves into my lane, cutting me off. (cutters) Then, get this, SLOWS DOWN TO THE SAME SPEED AS THE GUY IN THE OTHER LANE. Oh dear Lord, I hate this guy and everything he stands for or pretends to believe in. Here is the breakdown of why I hate this fat assmonkey.
License Plate : BDGAMER (board gamer)
Bumper Sticker: Board Games Bring People Together. At least some of us.
Halitosis : Severe
Weight : One million metric tons
Car : Prius
Sex Life : Right Handed
Ability to impress others: none
Chances of survival in the wild: zero

Now the baby's upset. So this jerk has cut me off, granted I was speeding, and is now blocking me from moving forward. Then I see the other guy. Holy crap:
License Plate : DNDMSTR (D&D Master)
Bumper Sticker: Nerds make the world wide web go-round.
Halitosis : Moderate to Severe
Weight : A single metric ton
Car : Subaru Fiero? (the camaro one)
Sex Life : ambidextrous (makes him a real playa in Nerdville)
Ability to impress others: none
Chances of survival in the wild: one

So I politely blast my horn and start screaming obscenities at the top of my lungs. Now, normally I would start swerving erratically and flashing my lights, but BDGAMER slows down and gets in the right lane. He looks over to me as I pass him and mouths, "Fuck you meathead" or butthead.
Now here's the thing kiddos, what really pissed me off, was that he cut me off and yet is somehow taking the moral high ground because I "bullied" him with my horn. Here's an idea.....Learn How To F'ing Drive like a man. We are not riding chariots through the World of Warcraft shooting arrows at Orcs and Goblins, or playing tummy sticks with Harry Potter, we are driving at seventy miles an hour in a REAL car on a REAL road when I am REALLY late to my REAL job so I can afford my lovely REAL girlfriend and her REAL shopping issues. Just because you can still do long division, still remember your homeroom teacher, still have your yearbook next to your bed, and can beat me in a board game by casting imaginary spells, does NOT make you a better person than me. Okay, so some jerk took your lunch money, sorry, wasn't me. I would have, but it wasn't me. So take the Hillary 08 and Drive Green bumper stickers off your car, take a shower, throw the games in the garbage and do what normal losers do. Go to a bar alone, drink alone, and go home alone. Take you're better-than-you-because-I-am-smart-and-drive-a-Prius-and-like-dudes attitude and stick it up your ass. Nerds will inherit the earth? No, Bill Gates did, Steve Jobs did, You Did Not.

Breaking News: The Spanish Hate Freedom

True: The Spanish Government hates freedom.
False: It's ok to let terrorist that blow things up off the hook because they have an f'd up nose or a funny laugh. (See Picture above)

Those Spanish assholes have released seven of the terrorists that were involved, directly or indirectly, with the Madrid train bombing. Which, by the bye, killed 191 freaking people. No biggie, right? They have also acquitted the man who, on a wiretapped phone call, admitted that the whole damn thing was his idea.

So based on this court case, I have decided that the best way to get out of a speeding ticket in Spain is to drive as fast as you can, then call the cops and tell them exactly how fast you are going, how much of a badass you are and run over 191 people while your at it. Bring the taped conversation to court play it and say, "This is me admitting that speeding was my fantastic idea, praise God. I killed 191 people, can I go now?"

Then make yourself a toaster strudel and watch Oprah.
Then cut yourself because your are a freedom hating crazy fanatic and that's what you do, you kill people, so why not take your work home with you.

P.S. - Hillary Clinton Sucks. or Licks....

Don't Fly to Boston, Ever.

I'm still not sure who sucks larger amounts of ass. JetBlue(majority owned by the Antichrist) or MassTransit(the group of assholes that let a drunken leprechaun map out the roads, public transit, and taxi cabs of Boston). My advice, fly to Providence and drive, it's faster. So here are my issues and requests:
Jetblue - Please stop be such dirty, whorish liars. Just stop lying, please. You should get a 3 by 5 note card and write on it, "Stop Lying and Don't Steal Anything." Then keep that notecard in your pocket so that when you are lying to your customers and brazenly stealing profits--by cutting seats, overbooking, and underscheduling pilots-- you'll feel that card and take it out and read it. Then maybe, just maybe, you'll stop actively screwing your customers. Last night I was on Flight 1260, departing at 8:50PM out of Dulles heading to Boston. LIES! Those monkeys delayed us for 2 hours, claiming weather issues, yet Logan airport had no issues on their hotline or website. Then, this is the good part. the Jetblue guy(angel of death) gets on the mic and says, "ladies and gentlemans, we are sorry to inform you that Logan Airport is currently closed to incoming traffic. The flight is not canceled, and we will keep you informed as to any changes. If you would like to change your flight to tomorrow, you can do so at no charge." Now I'm thinking that sounds like the smart idea. They have been stringing us along for two hours already, the airport is closed, even if I do get there, it'll be 1 or 2 in the morning before I do. So, I switch the flight.
Fast forward TEN SECONDS.
CHEERING!!! APPLAUSE!!! PEOPLE HUGGING AND KISSING!!!
Holy crap they are boarding the plane. I call Logan Airport, no delays, never closed the airport. ARE YOU SURE?!?!?!?! Yes sir, if the airport was closed I think we'd know about it, sir. We are the airport, sir. Sir. Sir.
Those dirty, rotten, cock-sucking, rat bastards tricked me. Tricked us all. What happened is the crew was late or wasn't there or was smoking rocks in the bathroom. They used loose moral standing and an unwillingness to accept responsibility to justify lying about, AN AIRPORT BEING SHUT DOWN.
I'm le tired so I am going to have a nap. Then Maggie is cooking me breakfast, so I'll get to Bostons MassTransit later. You stupid sonofabitch, MassTransit. HA!