All that I want to do is get to work in a reasonable amount of time. That's it. Why is that so hard? Oh let me count the ways. The goddamn roads in NoVa are so over congested with Don Juan De Donthaveavisa and retarded bleach blond soccer moms that it takes me 45-60 minutes to travel 12 miles. Why? Because they are dirty, rotten perpetual brake tappers. Oh, is that a shiny rock? Tap the brakes. Is that dwarf riding a unicycle? Tap the breaks. Is that Osama bin Laden have crazy monkey sex with a manic-depressive flying squirrel? Tap the brakes. Here is where it gets bad. What is the scariest thing that a brainless, tongue chewing braketapper can see? SOMEONE TAPPING THE BRAKES!!!! Holy freakin shit. Is that person tapping the brakes?!?! "I better come to a complete and total stop, during rush-hour, in the left lane, 1000 yards away from the other scary braketapper. And while I'm at it, why don't I end womens suffrage, slap a baby, push a cripple out of his powerchair, beat my wife, yell at an old lady, kill Jesus, rape the Easter bunny and pee in the hot tub?" And don't even get me started on the smarmy Asian drivers. Holy hot Christ. My deepest fear in life, my definition of hell, my contrapasso is an 80 year old Asian lady driving an SUV in the rain, at night, while eating, putting on make up, yelling at her 40 grand kids, and talking on the phone. Screw being burned alive, that shit is scary as a mofo.
*Note to any who was offended by this: Get off the fucking road and kill yourself, I need to get to the office. Thanks! =)
Here are some disjointed musings about the first couple weeks of the baseball season:
AL EAST
Baltimore Orioles -Yeah the O's are in first but there is no way they finish higher than fourth in the AL East; they don't have the pitching.
Boston Red Sox -I have some minor concerns regarding the back end of the rotation. Lester is a solid four but a mediocre three, Buchholz isn't quite there yet, and Wakefield is Wakefield. I guess what I'm saying is outside of Beckett and (usually) Dice-K there is nothing close to a sure thing in this rotation. That is mildly concerning; they need to get something out of Bartolo Colon. -The bullpen worries the shit out of me. There is one excellent reliever (Papelbon), one very good reliever (Okajima), and then a mix of potential has-beens (Timlin) and never-were's (Aardsma). Is Craig Hansen ever going to amount to anything, can Delcarmen be a reliable reliever? These are important questions. I just hope Theo doesn't make a Sauerbeck-esque panic trade at the deadline and ship Jed Lowrie to Colorado for Brian Fuentes. -In the NBA this year everyone is talking about how Kobe Bryant deserves to win the MVP as a kind of lifetime achievement award (most people who support Kobe deny this but they are lying) even though Chris Paul and probably Kevin Garnett are more deserving. What I'm getting at is how about some love for my boy, Manny Ramirez. He's never won an MVP despite being one of the top 5 hitters of the past 20 years (Bonds, Griffey Jr., A-Rod, Pujols). From 1998 to 2006 Manny finished in the top 10 of the MVP voting. Regardless of not winning an MVP he's one of the greatest right-handed hitters of all-time.
New York Yankees -Sucks that their two young starters (Kennedy and Hughes) have thrown a combined 22.1 innings in their first six starts; that works out to 3.2 innings per start. Not good. -Sucks that Joba's dad has polio, if only they had a vaccine for it...
Tampa Bay Rays -Shitty new name, shitty new uniforms. I can't believe they have the same logo on their home and road jerseys. That's bush league. Trivia: Did you know that all but eight of MLB's 30 teams use red or blue as their primary color and that only one (Oakland) uses green?
Toronto Blue Jays -Rock solid rotation if A.J. Burnett can stay healthy. Four quality starters but where's the offense? Sorry, Alex Rios and Vernon Wells aren't that intimidating.
AL CENTRAL
Chicago White Sox -There getting some quality pitching from their young guys and the addition of Nick Swisher is a big boost to their offense. I think this team will be competing for the playoffs in September, that is if Ozzie Guillen doesn't murder anybody.
Cleveland Indians -C.C. Sabathia isn't helping himself during a contract year by stinking out the joint. They have serious bullpen issues but if Kobayashi, who averaged 30 saves a year in Japan, can step in those could all go away. Paul Byrd does steroids.
Detroit Tigers -I, for one, am happy to see the Tigers struggling. I have nothing against them but I got fed up with all the talking heads penciling them into the World Series. They have no pitching, none. The Devil Rays' staff is much better.
Kansas City Royals -Hurray for the Royals. I am very happy for Kansas City (seriously). They have great uniforms. I really hope they stick around and they will if Bannister and Grienke keep throwing B.B.'s and their young guys (Alex Gordon and Billy Butler) can step up and carry the offense. Joakim Soria is a quality closer and Joey Gathright is the most athletic player in the game. Witness:
Minnesota Twins -Word on the street is that Liriano won't be Lirano until the All-Star break. That makes sense, he needs to learn to pitch again. Jason Kubel looks like a legit player.
AL WEST
Anaheim Angels -Count me among those who thought Torii Hunter would fall off this year; turns out I was wrong and I couldn't be happier for the man. Helluva guy that Torii Hunter. This team is semi-legit but its record will be inflated by feasting on a moribund division
Oakland Athletics -Poor Rich Harden, that canuck has all the talent in the world but just can't stay healthy. I am predicting a surprisingly good record for the A's simply because they have two Sweeney's (Mike and Ryan) on their team.
Seattle Mariners -I'll be surprised if Eric Bedard pitches more than 170 innings this season. I don't think they have enough offense to compete with Anaheim, combine that with high expectations for this season and it looks like this year might be a disappointment.
Texas Rangers -Closer C.J. Wilson has yet to allow a run this year, and he had two saves during a doubleheader. Hmm... This is a pretty forgettable team.
It is my personal opinion that there is no higher form of comedy than a person in a sidecar. The person doesn't have to be doing anything other than just sit there and I am bound to crack-up. So I was positively giddy when I heard that Big Papi was cruising around in a sidecar. While these photos are great if he had been wearing a leather helmet, goggles, and a scarf than I would have seriously peed myself. I probably would have to leave work because I would be so unproductive. (top image found at barstoolsports.com)
