Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Twelve. Twelve Mile. Twelve Mile Commute!

All that I want to do is get to work in a reasonable amount of time. That's it. Why is that so hard? Oh let me count the ways. The goddamn roads in NoVa are so over congested with Don Juan De Donthaveavisa and retarded bleach blond soccer moms that it takes me 45-60 minutes to travel 12 miles. Why? Because they are dirty, rotten perpetual brake tappers. Oh, is that a shiny rock? Tap the brakes. Is that dwarf riding a unicycle? Tap the breaks. Is that Osama bin Laden have crazy monkey sex with a manic-depressive flying squirrel? Tap the brakes.
Here is where it gets bad. What is the scariest thing that a brainless, tongue chewing braketapper can see? SOMEONE TAPPING THE BRAKES!!!! Holy freakin shit. Is that person tapping the brakes?!?! "I better come to a complete and total stop, during rush-hour, in the left lane, 1000 yards away from the other scary braketapper. And while I'm at it, why don't I end womens suffrage, slap a baby, push a cripple out of his powerchair, beat my wife, yell at an old lady, kill Jesus, rape the Easter bunny and pee in the hot tub?"
And don't even get me started on the smarmy Asian drivers. Holy hot Christ. My deepest fear in life, my definition of hell, my contrapasso is an 80 year old Asian lady driving an SUV in the rain, at night, while eating, putting on make up, yelling at her 40 grand kids, and talking on the phone. Screw being burned alive, that shit is scary as a mofo.

*Note to any who was offended by this: Get off the fucking road and kill yourself, I need to get to the office. Thanks! =)


Doug the Punter said...

Contripasso? That couldn't have been Ted writing, could it? All the venom and gut-fueled hate was there but then I'm hit with a word like that(which isn't even an English word, you dirty foreigner lover) and the legitimacy of your rant is called into doubt. That is, until I start to look at the word some more and realize something is wrong with it and that it is spelled contrApasso. Nice try, cowboy, maybe next time.

Ted said...

Fuck you. Seriously, fuck you in the mouth, you rotten whore. Francophile fucker.