Thursday, May 22, 2008

First Annual UEFA Final Running Diary

I decided to keep a running diary of today's UEFA Champions League Final. Why? I'm not exactly sure. It was my first foray into the running type of entry and it had its ups and downs (I really lost steam in the second half). Anyway there are a couple good jokes in there and a lot of not so good ones. Get comfortable this is pretty freakin' long. Enjoy. (Also, don't expect my usual flawless grammar, spelling, and punctuation, my apologies).

This pre-game ceremony is pretty amazing, we got dancers, golden domes of some sort, confetti, and mysterious figures in capes. Unfortunately all this pomp is probably going to mean 100,000 Russians will have no food for the next 6 weeks.

Why do little kids come out with the teams. I know it's probably a great thrill for the little 'uns but it's still kinda creepy. What would happen if the NBA did this. I bet KG would be so fired up he'd punch some 6-year-old girl in the face.

Cristiano Ronaldo, rocking the greasy mullet, FAAANNNTASTIC.

Man U's manager is SIR Alex Ferguson. What a fucking loser. I hate nobility

Lubos Michele is your referee and he has a Madonna-esque microphone.

And we’re off…

Wing passes to center, back to wing, back to center, center HOLDS IT, HOLDS IT, HOOOOLDS IT! (sorry couldn't resist).

I should probably mention I'm watching this thing with no sound so all I hear is the clicking of the keyboard, the fat guy in the next office coughing, and C. Ronaldo yelping from 3,000 miles away as he tries to draw a foul.

Not a fan of the lowercase NOB's (name on back) that Cheleas has but their still better than the collar-less Man U kits, totally rec league.

We're three minutes into this thing and not a lot has happened. No real opportunityrtunities for either side. Wait a tic. Nope, nothing just gas. Chelsea has several crosses but their cleared away.

It's just mind blowing to me how far these guys kick the ball.

I fucking hate Wayne Rooney with every fiber of my being. What a typical English prick. Although he does look like a street tough from the 1930s. They don't make people like that no more.

Chelsea's goalie is the guy who wears a rugby helmet (Cech or something), makes him look like a retard.

Our first save of the day. A deflected 20 yarder from the wing. An easy one for Morris the Safety Tortoise (Chelsea's keeper).

Offsides on Chelsea, garbage.

Drogba just got ripped across the face by a Man U defender. Blood on his tongue.

Uh-oh, Man U cross.... cleared away

At the 8-minute mark it’s been a fairly even match thus far. I'd give the slight edge to Man U on posession but a big edge to Chelsea in the lack of faggotry department.

Seriously Morris the Safety Tortoise just sent a goal kick like 80 fucking yards. That is amazing, more impressive than a baseball throw or anything.

One major difference between soccer and most US sports is the necessity to go back to get forward. Actually, no wait, it isn't. I'm retarded.

Lubos reminds us that it is illegal to tug another player’s jersey.

Greasy mullet passes to thug face, back to mullet, Mullet HOLDS IT HOLDS IT HOOOLDSS IT!

A Chelsea striker (Malouda) tries to draw a PK but to no avail.

Man U's goalie looks like a lesbian.

Lots of fancy footwork for Cristiano Ronaldo, all for not as he gently taps it back to another player, 5 yards away.

Same ole same ole at the 13 minute mark.

A Chelsea player is changing his boots on the sideline (YEAH DUDE!)

Lubos runs like a girl. big surprise.

Haven't seen much from Michael Ballack, Ze German. Wait ,there he is. Do you think that he was weary to be dragged so far into the heart of Russia, with unprotected supply lines. Too soon?

Ronaldo just faked the crap out of a Chelsea defender and deliver a cross that was just a tad high. Another Man U player, on the field, claps at his effort. Don't see that much in the USA

Lubos picks up the ball for some reason, sorry I blacked out there for a minute or two.

Corner for Man U at the 18.24 mark. Big opportunity.

here it is, too far out, and it is cleared into touch by Chelsea.

C. Ronaldo gets mugged on the sideline and he has a shit-eating grin on his face. Looks exactly like Tony Montana's friend in Scarface. It's kinda creepy

A poor free kick that is cleared

Uh-oh. A head to head collission around midfield. Wait, not at all. Chelsea player and Paul
Scholes went up for the ball and Scholes gave him a fore arm to the back of the head. Then on the way down his face hit Chelsea player’s boot and he is bloody. Rooney tries to start shit with the entire Chelsea team but backs off like a little bitch. Scholes is booked, rightfully so. He's being attended to on the side lines.

On a long cross in a Man U defender, unnecessarily heads it out on the end line, dangerous, the keeper had a clear path to the ball

The corner is 6 inches too high and Chelsea striker barely gets a head on it.

Still in awe of how far they kick it.

Scholes is back, fag.

More fancy footwork from Greasy Mullet Ronaldo but the 1-2 pass is too far ahead of him and he goes out into touch.

A Man U player starts warming up on the sidelines. He's wearing black warm ups yet he still puts on a green pinny. I don't think there was any chance he would be confused as a player without the pinny.

Opportunity for man U, Chelsea hits it OB. here's the throw in the corner.

A CROSS AND A SCORE!!! Morris the Safety Tortoise didn't even react. That was really weird. 25 Minutes.

It was Ronaldo with the goal. A perfect cross from Man U player to Ronaldo on the far post and perfect header right on the post. Morris the Safety Tortoise reacted but didn't dive. At first i thought it was offsides or something. No announcers is tough

Michael Ballack looks like a Whalberg. Seriously I’m expecting to get into Rooney’s face and say (with a German accent, of course), “Blow me, all right? But not literally, though. Unfortunately, there's no promotion involved for you.”

That goal puts Ronaldo third in on the single season goal list for Man U, with 42.

That goal was pretty freaking flawless.

Ronaldo doing his ball dance thingy. A CROSS to Ronaldo heads it back center but cleared out by the defense.


Drogba is taking a seat, holding his back. He got a bit of a shove in it but doesn't look too bad. he seems to be indicating that he got a knee in th back. The spray is ineffective. Someone really has to investigate that spray thing, what the hell could it be.

there is a booking for Makelele for Chelsea. whoops missed that one.

Possession is 65-35 for Man U, seems about right. Dirk Diggler better get his ass in gear, his giant schwanz won't score any goals for him.

A cross and a header back to Ballack in front of the goal but punched away by Lesbian Keeper.

The corner... is cleared, back in, fucking Rooney, steals it and sends it about 70 yards, cross fields to Ronaldo who sends it to a streaking Man U player, header is saved and cleared very poorly by the defense, a clean shot from the 18 is saved. He is pissed at his defender. Watching him yell with his little helmet on was one the funnies things ever.

Replays show that on Ballack’s chance he didn't head the ball but instead put his forearm on the back of the defenders neck and forced HIM to head the ball. You don't want to fuck around with ZE GERMANS. Seriously that was pretty impressive

GRADE A flop from Cristiano Ronaldo.

They have completed passes and pass accuracy statistics in soccer? I don't think stats really mean anything in a game as free flowing and open as soccer.

A decent opportunity for Chelsea, but well defended and sent backwards, brought back in then eventually cleared.

At the 40 minute mark both teams have had their chances

A Chelsea striker losses his footing outside the 18 and tries to draw a call but to no avail. this Lobos guy is one tough cookie.

HAHAHAHA about 40 yards from the endline a Chelsea player trips over the ball, he wobbled and almost kept his balance but then he went down faster than British naval supremacy in the 20th century. beautiful game my ass.

A beautiful opportunity for Man U a low cross gets by the defender but the striker just whiffs like Pedro Cerrano on a breaking ball

Man U defender and capt. Rio Ferdinand is booked for throwing an elbow. A free kick right outside the 18 for Chelsea (espn tells us 21 meters from goal)

Three players line up behind the ball, and ballack( kicks it clean over everything). I bet at halftime he has this exchange with the manager:

Manager: You suck at free kicks.

Ballack: You don't know what I can do! You don't know what I can do, what I'm gonna do, or what I'm gonna be! I'm good! I have good things and you don't know about! I'm gonna be something! I am! And don't fucking tell me I'm not!

GOOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLLL Chelsea, a through ball is deflected and the keeper gets caught in no mans land, stumbles and can't recover, as Lampard puts it in the back of the net at the 45 minute mark

All started on a bad clearance that was saved by
Chelsea, then through ball, controlled by Chelsea, goalie stumbles, Lampard scores.

SNIPER, RONALDO JUST GOT SHOT. He's writing in agony. Back and to the left back and to the left.

Actually that does look painful a slide tackle comes in a little late and catches him square in the side of the shin, catching his ankle on the ground. The offending player is booked.


And we're back. The Chelsea manager gives Lobos a piece of his mind as they come onto the field.

Dave Roberts is calling the game. Nice of him to take time off from rehabbing for the Giants to fly halfway around the world to call the game. love that guy.

A shameless flop by Paul Scholes, I think he was upset that he didn't get to elbow anyone in the back of the head.

A long Man U cross is cleared out.

A stern picture of some suits watching the game. I think it’s live but it looks like a still photograph, they're all frowning. What’s their problem

Not a whole lot to report at the 50 minute mark. Ronaldo looks as greasy and floppy as ever.

A tackle from behind by Chelsea gives Man U a free kick

AN EGGREEEGIOUS FLOP by Ronaldo, I think Mark e. Mark is going to choke slam this guy.

These benches the guys get to sit on look amazing, their all like captain’s chairs and what not.
Star Date SG12…

An opportunity for Chelsea, shot is blocked then kicked out by Man U

Terrible, terrible call by the linesman giving man u a goal kick. It was very clear that the Man U player kicked it out, and the guy was like 2 feet away from it.

30 seconds later the linesman calls offsides on Chelsea, its pretty clear who he has money on.

A dangerous cross in front of the Chelsea net but too high for anyone

Thug Rooney yells at his teammate for not sending it in on the ground. What a dick

Chelsea on the break (2 on 3), pulls up, open shot and clear over the goal. He leaned back

A corner for Chelsea, a defender headed it out in front of his own net ( plays like this happen a lot but it seems pretty dangerous to me; I think a couple weeks ago a guy put one in his own net in a big game)

Chelsea heads the corner into the goal, if the goal was 60 yards high.

Mark E. Ballack with an opportunity from 28 yards, rips it wide. Man U is leading 3 to 1 in shots on target, now that's a good stat

Man U player goes down after he tried to mug a Chelsea player, then he has the audacity to get up in the guys face once he finally gets up

A corner for Chelsea is cleared away

What a flop by Ronaldo, went down like a sack of potatoes

1-2 break for Man U, fails to materialize

Brilliant through ball is misplayed on the end line by Chelsea, missed opportunity.

Lobos feels bad for Ronaldo and finally buys one of the flops.

32 for Man U tries to start shit with Mark E. Mark, I wouldn't mess with him.

Clear handball by Man U goes uncalled.

HAHAHAHA, a hard pass hits a Chelsea player square in
the foot and he goes down, good times. (Hanging in a chow line; the most disputed of all the Good Times lyrics).

Man U throws drogba down, cheating ref actually makes the correct call.

The free kick is biked away by Man U.

This one guy for man u has a wispy moustache that Adam Morrison would be proud of.

Chelsea with a shot about 25 yards out, deflected by man u for a corner.

Hopefully something will happen this time and..... no dice, headed OB by Chelsea.

Here we go a break leads to yet another Chelsea corner, I don't know what it is but Chelsea is
really putting the pressure on.

But the corner is cleared out harmlessly, surprise

A dangerous pass inside the box is cleared away by Man U and as Chelsea gets ready to reload, defender Rio Ferdinand decides to just sit down.

Rooney and some other Man U guy get into an argument.

Dropkick sent to Chelsea

There's Ferdinand running! You mean he's not dead? wow

Possession outside of Chelsea’s 18 results in a corner kick.

A Chelsea player is down

Holy shit the replay shows that thug 32 just fucking tackle the guy while pulling on his face. Wow that was blatant.

Here comes the meat wagon, wowowowowwow, OH MY GOD.

He's alive, much to the surprise of the stretcher bearers who have never actually ever had to do anything other than scare player’s mothers into thinking their child is dead.

The corner is high, the goalie comes out to get it, misses but Man U hits it out (I think)

Down the other end, a cross misses its target because he fell down

Another man u corner is too high and results in nothing.

Fuck you Wayne Rooney, sorry I lost control there

More flopping.

At the 75 minute mark we've seen a fair amount of chances, a lot of failed corners, several apparent deaths that turned out to be nothing.

They track distances on players now? Joe Cole for Chelsea has run 9310 meters, that's a lot

Chelsea tries to draw a penalty and... it looks like the player has an argument, ferdinand stepped on his foot, although it looked unintentional.

Joe Cole gets popped in the face by a Man U guy. Here's an opportunity for Chelsea and Drogba hits the far post from 25 yards a ways it was perfect, curling in, just out of the lesbian's reach but it was just inches wide

Unlucky, as they say.

Wow , Mark E. Mark is disappointing me with that flop, he ran full speed into 32 and went down like a Spandau prison bitch on Hermann Goering. (What?)

An opportunity for Chelsea, Drogba receives a low cross but fails to put it on net.

With 10 minutes remaining in regulation (do they use that term in soccer?) it seems like a good time to point out that I have no idea what the rules are for extra time. Is it golden goal? Silver goal? Shameful bronze goal? Aggregate or something? So many questions

Man U rips a shot high

An opportunity for Chelsea with a throw in the corner, and it's thrown a way but cleared to
Chelsea, Ballack misses a one timer badly, that was very poor

Free kick for Chelsea about 25 yards up the sideline, right side. Big, big play here

A pass to the short man who totally fucks it up and kicks it to Archangel.

4 minutes in regulation, somebody better get a move on quick because I don't have all day here, I leave at five, game over or not.

Joe Cole with a cross but Drogba can't put it on target....again

A late sub for man u, Ryan Giggs is coming in for Scholes. I say doesn't he run like a Welshman, I said doesn't he run like a Welshman. Well he should, he's Welsh

Morris the Safety Tortoise almost misjudges a cross but holds on.

Two 15-minute periods, no golden goal, then penalty kicks. So that's my answer

Joe Cole with an opportunity in the box but the cheating ref calls it out on him. Another bad call.

2 minutes of stoppage time.

I still can't get over those benches, they look amazingly comfortable.

Might be last chance for Man U in regulation. Throw in the corner

Ronaldo doing his dance but his cross finds no one

And we're done with regulation.

Ronaldo seriously looks like he's about to cry. Must be because the extra time is going to run in on his time with a Russian tranny.

They have this commercial where it shows a bunch of 20 something hipsters watching the game in a swanky apartment and they pass their Heniken keg can around on a skateboard. I don't know what they are saying but I bet it's something gay. If I'm ever in a situation like that, please shoot me.


Let me start by saying I'm probably not going to be able to stick around for the rest of the game because quitting time is at 5:00

A sub for Chelsea

Ronaldo down the side line, falls, looks around for a call, realizes he isn't going to get one then
hangs his head and runs back.

A chance off the cross bar for Chelsea, a great pass then a little flick to the far post from about 15 feet away hits the crossbar, literally 2 inches from a goal.

Ronaldo with the cross, to no one

The Welshman is bitching about something, looks important.

OK we'll I need to sign off I'll just recap the rest of the game, I guess. sorry.

Another appearance for the stretcher guys (that's 3 thus far)

Some shirtless old guys in the stands.


Wow, did I ever miss some important shit. Here’s a brief rundown: Drogba kinda slapped a guy in the second OT (video below) and got sent off so Chelsea was playing a man down. Regardless, they forced penalty kicks. Ronaldo is the only one who misses and it is down to Chelsea’s John Terry to make it (this is where Drogba would usually be kicking). He loses his footing and the ball grazes the outside of the post. Then it’s make, make and then Man U makes but Chelsea misses and the UEFA Champions League Championship (weird?) goes to Manchester United with the final score being 1-1 (6-5 on penalty kicks). Damn, that was a pretty dramatic ending, good thing I’m not a real Chelsea fan otherwise I’d probably shoot myself, that was brutal.

Let’s make this running diary of the UEFA final an annual tradition (I swear it'll be better at it next year). Same bad time, same bad channel.

Here's the video of the Drogba slap:

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