Thursday, January 31, 2008

The Super Bowl, Rock and Roll and the Fouding Fathers

So as everyone should know by now Tom Petty will be performing at the Super Bowl this year. I, for one, am very excited but I've heard a lot of people panning the choice. For instance, a couple weeks back on Around the Horn, J.A. Adande and Kevin Blackistone said that Petty was a poor choice (I forget the reason why exactly but I'm sure it is stupid). I'm just going to guess that these guys have never listened to Petty because Tom Petty rocks. I'm not very sure of a lot of things but I know deep down in my soul that Petty can fucking Rock and Roll so I don't get why all these people are hating on him. My guess is they A) have never listened to Petty, B) are idiots, or C) hate America (and as follows, Freedom and Glory as well).

Listen, America was founded on not paying taxes, Liberty, Freedom, Rock and Roll, and three-cornered hats. Those are the facts of life, its that simple. If I learned one thing as a history major it was that George Washington loved to rock out, same with Patrick Henry, Alexander Hamilton and all those other founding fathers (except Thomas Jefferson; he listened to emo, he also liked dudes).

So to all those out there saying Petty is a bad choice for the Super Bowl I have a simple message to you: grow a pair and stop hating America. For crying out loud, I thought we were at a point in our nation's history were we were past all of this ignorance. America's 3rd most American sporting event deserves some good old fashioned Rock and Roll (Baseball's Opening Day and the NBA's Dunk Contest are more American than the Super Bowl. I will not argue this point.)

Now please excuse me while I listen to "Refugee" and play air guitar in my cubicle.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

Best Commercial Ever?

OK let me start by saying I HATE the Mannings. Peyton is a tool and Eli is, simply put, not good. I hate seeing Peyton's ugly face every time I try to enjoy a television program. That being said, their new commercial is one of the funniest I can recall. It is for a product I whole-heartedly endorse- Double Stuf Oreos. Here is the video-

The above video stops with about 10 seconds left. They're quality seconds so if you want you can view the whole commercial by using this link to the website.

Some quick thoughts on this one: I feel that I could be the Brad Johnson of the DSRL. A competent player who isn't going to beat himself. Also, this seems like as good a time as any to share my idea that would make Nabisco billions of dollars- They should sell tubs of the Oreo frosting along with the chocolate wafers. That way you could put as much frosting on your Oreo as your fat, bloated heart could ever want. As always that idea is PATENT PENDING, so back off.

Wednesday, January 16, 2008

Isn't there an "o" in country?

Let's come up with additional, far more disturbing ones.

Got this via the internet super-highway, which is a series of connected tubes:


As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is
inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the
survival guide for taking a dump at the office.
When farting, you walk really fast around the office so the smell is
not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where
it came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full
fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell
has left your pants.
The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check
for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come
back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may
become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the
A fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a
poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of
embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it.
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in
the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It
is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes
both parties feel uneasy.
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.
This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this
should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has
left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just
The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water.
This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the
bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just
stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if
someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend
that the smell does not exist. Can be minimized with the use of the
A colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it. You will often
see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or
magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of
The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least
expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
sex. This will reduce the odds of a same-sex pooper entering your
Someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to
force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable
moments that can occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs,
remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will
avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you
are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert
potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with
A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that
you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall
is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so
the pooper can poop in peace.
A poop that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This
is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on,
create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the
toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.
A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend
extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.
An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you
should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This benefits
you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Terminator vs. American Gladiators

So we're only about two weeks into 2008 and we already have seen not one but two beloved franchises from the not-too-distant past reemerge: Terminator and American Gladiators. I'll give you clowns some brief thoughts on each show.

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles

I don't think I have ever watched an entire season of a drama on television, ever. Never watched 24, Lost, The Sopranos, CSI or whatever but when I first saw the previews for Terminator I knew that my life was about to change. I, like every other human with a penis, feel that Terminator 2: Judgment Day is probably one of the greatest action movies ever (and 1 and 3 are pretty good too) so it was a no-brainer that I should watch this show. Here are some scattered thoughts about it:

Obviously I knew Governor Schwarzenegger would not be involved in the show (although I hold out hope he will have a cameo at some point) so I thought there wouldn't be an actor I thoroughly enjoyed in this series. My mind was quickly changed less than five minutes into the show when Dean Winters appeared as Sarah Connors boyfriend. For those of you who don't know Winters played Dennis Duffy (aka the Rat King), Tina Fey's boyfriend, on 30 Rock for a couple episodes and absolutely killed me. Even though he has a really small role the show is made at least twice as good knowing that the Rat King is always looming. It's kind of like having a stud pinch-hitter like John Vander Wal or Lenny Harris on your bench in baseball, you don't know when their going to emerge but when they do, good things will happen.

Anyway the show seems pretty basic. Sarah Connor must protect John Connor from Terminators sent back in time by SkyNet. The Connors' are aided by a sexy she-Terminator and they can jump through time. That's about it. Oh and there are sweet Terminator fights like every 5 minutes. It is also very important to remember that this show takes place a couple years after Terminator 2 so Sarah has escaped from the mental hospital and the black guy who invented SkyNet has been killed but Terminator 3 has not happened yet (I think). Here is what has specifically happened in the first two episodes: In 1999 a Terminator finds the Connors and tries to kill John but with the help of sexy-Terminator he and Sarah escape and all three jump through time to 2007. A detective was trying to catch Sarah in 1999 because of the whole fleeing an insane asylum and blowing up a building thing(from T2) but he loses the trail when they jump through time. That's the end of Ep 1.

In Ep. 2 the Connors and sexy-Terminator get fake IDs and what not but also get outed to the cops by one of Sarah's old friends. Also, John makes contact with the Rat King. Not a whole lot happens except Terminator fights.

So that's about what happens. Here my thoughts in stream-of-consciousness: I really like how they kept the music from the movies ("duh-duh-DUH DUH"). The sexy-Terminator mentioned to John how she's different than the others, leaving the door open to a bizarre romance; I'm kinda freaked out by it. Sarah Connor is a MILF and a half. The Rat King needs a bigger role (I hope he turns out to be a good Terminator). The sexy-Terminator's eyes glow blue while the evil ones' glow red, I don't like that departure from the movies. Also do the TV people think the viewers need the bad Terminator's eyes to glow red so we know they're evil. John is kinda a whiny bitch, I don't know if I want to take orders from him when the battle against the machines begins. Schwarzenegger deserves a ton of credit for his acting job as the Terminator; the sexy-Terminator, while sexy, isn't doing a very good job. She doesn't have that same stupid-robot, corny sense of humor thing that made the movies so entertaining. Also I'm going to need more bad puns and one-liners from her.

Final grade 8 flaming robot skulls out of 10.

American Gladiators

I only watched about 1/2 of an episode of the new American Gladiators because the editing and shaky camera work were going to, at best, make me vomit or, at worst, give me a seizure. Still it was OK. I'm going to cheat here and copy the email my friend, Brett, sent me with his evaluation.

"STOP IT WITH ALL THE INTERVIEWS—totally unnecessary and all I do is tivo through them. The contenders are OBVIOUSLY given one-liners that are completely cheesy and are very similar to MTV shows like "Next." Wolf is by far the best gladiator. Most of the other guys are huge ass clowns (titan) or have no personality (can't even remember any other names, only that one of the guys has a brohawk). Mayhem has potential with his ronaldinho hair, but hasn't really shown much so far in terms of performance or personality. They're really missing out on guys like Laser and Malibu...why not bring them back for a guest appearance? As far as the chicks go, venom is the hottest, but she's clearly only on the show because she's hot, and loses every time to the contenders. It's only a matter of time before she appears in playboy, which I will absolutely purchase.

As far as events go, assault is much harder for contestants this year, as the gun shoots the tennis balls at 100 mph and is impossible to dodge. I would equate it to playing the net against [our friend] Mellars in Mario Tennis when he is on the bottom screen and getting hit with one of his donkey kong spikes. The upside to that event is that when you do hit the bulls-eye above the gladiator (which has only happened once), it rockets them through the air and into a huge pool, which is hilarious. The other events have been pretty weak so far. They really screwed the pooch on "hangin tough." There used to be a million rings you had to cross to get to the other side, making for great chicken fights. Now you only have to make 4 moves to get there and you can make it pretty much every time. Joust is still classic, especially when the women do it and get rocked into the water below. The Eliminator is tougher this year, but you can cheat so easily...there is no penalty for falling off of things ( i.e. the handbike, which is the hardest and most time-consuming part of the whole obstacle course. You can fall right off of it and run to the next part with no penalty)."

I agree with pretty much everything Brett has to say. Here are some quick thoughts: It looks like the handbike is a lot tougher this time around for some reason, not sure why. Why is water involved in nearly every event. Was it wrong for me to notice that the black guy running the eliminator (in last night's show) really, really struggled in the swimming portion of the event? I hate Lalia Ali. The producers claim the Gladiators are tested for steroids, that has to be a lie, right? It seems like you can shoot the balls in in Powerball with relative ease; I'm not a huge fan of that, you should have to dunk it. I am still convinced I could win Assault (although I am almost certainly delusional).

Final grade 6 shriveled gladiator balls out of 10

That wraps this up but before I go I have a couple random thoughts:

-Futurama is/was the most underrated show of the past 10 years. The new movies they're coming out with just hammer this point home.

-Yes is an awesome band that I should have been listening to for the past decade.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

Iron My Shirt

Even though this is terrible and sets us back 50 years, Hillary sucks and is the devil in a blue pant-suit.

Friday, January 4, 2008

SlinkyPants: The Wave of the Future (PATENT PENDING)

So I was down in the D.C. area visiting some friends and I was smacked across the back of the head with a metaphorical 2x4 when I stumbled upon a Slinky Jr. in my friend's trunk. I began messing around with the toy when my friend Pat dropped on of the greatest ideas I have ever heard on me. Brace Slinky form........SlinkyPants (pronounced "sliŋk-ˈpants"). Immediately, I murdered Pat (I feel safe confessing that here because I know no one reads this thing) and now plan to steal his genius idea, make millions of dollars, blow it all by betting against the Harlem Globetrotters, lose the patent to SlinkyPants, hit rock bottom, become a hobo, work my way up the ranks of the hobo boxing circuit, earn enough money fighting other hobos to buy a lottery ticket, buy a lottery ticket, win the lottery, and, finally, overdose on a combination of BK Stacker sauce and General Tso's by my 32nd birthday. So I have completed step 1 of my 12-step (ironic, no?) life plan and now I must discover the secret to creating SlinkyPants. It may be best if I just start from the beginning:

SlinkyPants would revolutionize pant technology worldwide. They would be the ideal warm-weather pant. The very concept promotes temperature regulation throughout the lower half because the near constant up-and-down movement of the slinky would expose one's legs to the fresh air while simultaneously providing a most cooling breeze. Also SlinkyPants would be a HUGE hit with strippers. I could become a billionaire with just the stripper revenue alone, never mind marketing SlinkyPants to the general public.

Here is where things get tricky. Would SlinkyPants be made of two seperate Slinkys (one for each leg(pictured at right))? Or would it be just one slinky (with one side for each leg(pictured above right))? My initial prototype suggests using the latter method but many more tests need to be completed before a definite answer is reached. It is possible that both types could be used and provide the customer with multiple options but as of the time of this writing I can not be sure of anything. Another pressing concern is the tendency of Slinkys to get bent and tangled, something must be done about this.... The final hurdle will be determining whether SlinkyPants are traditional pants (i.e. with no pre-attached undergarment) or more like a men's bathing suit. I am leaning towards the latter because then I feel it would be a more in-you-face statement to wear slinky pants.

Marketability Potential-
Astronomical. Throw a pair on Tom Brady and I'll be able to charge $900 a pair for SlinkyPants.

Moneymaking Potential-
Unquantifiable. At least it better be because I've already spent money I don't have.

So in conclusion. I should be filthy rich within three months, provided that no one snitches on me for murder and I iron out the massive design flaws by next weekend. Oh, and this goes without saying if you try to steal this idea (like I did) I will stab you. Seriously, PATENT PENDING.

P.S. I just found out that there are stretch pants for women called slinky pants. This has no bearing on SlinkyPants. All Hail SlinkyPants!

Thursday, January 3, 2008