Friday, January 4, 2008

SlinkyPants: The Wave of the Future (PATENT PENDING)

So I was down in the D.C. area visiting some friends and I was smacked across the back of the head with a metaphorical 2x4 when I stumbled upon a Slinky Jr. in my friend's trunk. I began messing around with the toy when my friend Pat dropped on of the greatest ideas I have ever heard on me. Brace yourself.........Pants.....in Slinky form........SlinkyPants (pronounced "sliŋk-ˈpants"). Immediately, I murdered Pat (I feel safe confessing that here because I know no one reads this thing) and now plan to steal his genius idea, make millions of dollars, blow it all by betting against the Harlem Globetrotters, lose the patent to SlinkyPants, hit rock bottom, become a hobo, work my way up the ranks of the hobo boxing circuit, earn enough money fighting other hobos to buy a lottery ticket, buy a lottery ticket, win the lottery, and, finally, overdose on a combination of BK Stacker sauce and General Tso's by my 32nd birthday. So I have completed step 1 of my 12-step (ironic, no?) life plan and now I must discover the secret to creating SlinkyPants. It may be best if I just start from the beginning:

Overview-
SlinkyPants would revolutionize pant technology worldwide. They would be the ideal warm-weather pant. The very concept promotes temperature regulation throughout the lower half because the near constant up-and-down movement of the slinky would expose one's legs to the fresh air while simultaneously providing a most cooling breeze. Also SlinkyPants would be a HUGE hit with strippers. I could become a billionaire with just the stripper revenue alone, never mind marketing SlinkyPants to the general public.

Design-
Here is where things get tricky. Would SlinkyPants be made of two seperate Slinkys (one for each leg(pictured at right))? Or would it be just one slinky (with one side for each leg(pictured above right))? My initial prototype suggests using the latter method but many more tests need to be completed before a definite answer is reached. It is possible that both types could be used and provide the customer with multiple options but as of the time of this writing I can not be sure of anything. Another pressing concern is the tendency of Slinkys to get bent and tangled, something must be done about this.... The final hurdle will be determining whether SlinkyPants are traditional pants (i.e. with no pre-attached undergarment) or more like a men's bathing suit. I am leaning towards the latter because then I feel it would be a more in-you-face statement to wear slinky pants.

Marketability Potential-
Astronomical. Throw a pair on Tom Brady and I'll be able to charge $900 a pair for SlinkyPants.

Moneymaking Potential-
Unquantifiable. At least it better be because I've already spent money I don't have.

So in conclusion. I should be filthy rich within three months, provided that no one snitches on me for murder and I iron out the massive design flaws by next weekend. Oh, and this goes without saying if you try to steal this idea (like I did) I will stab you. Seriously, PATENT PENDING.

P.S. I just found out that there are stretch pants for women called slinky pants. This has no bearing on SlinkyPants. All Hail SlinkyPants!

2 comments:

Maggie said...

I'll do your marketing...oh AND when Tom Brady wakes up and dumps Giselle, i'll break up with Ted, start dating Tom, and convince him to be your model.

Ted said...

whore