Thursday, July 31, 2008

I'm I stupid or is everyone else stupid

I like Peter Gammons, I have nothing but respect for the man but his most recent article on Manny is a total and complete piece of garbage. In it he claims that the Red Sox had no chance whatsoever of making the playoffs with Manny this year. Is he insane? Has he gone senile? He claims that Manny would've held the team hostage for the next couple months with his antics. Oh, I'm sorry he didn't fucking set a record for his hustle to first base against Lackey the other night. It would've really mattered too because the guy after him hit a home run that would've given the Red Sox a 2-1 lead. Oh wait, the sox were losing 6-0 at the time and the next hitter also grounded out.

Gammons also asks this ludicrous question: "Was it worse to take performance-enhancing drugs to perform better and win, or to decline to play and steal money?" STEAL MONEY? STEAL MONEY? HE FUCKING WON THEM TWO GODDAMN WORLD SERIES. Also it goes without saying that taking steroids is much worse than not hustling down the line (the fact that he raised the question is beyond comprehension). I know its fashionable and all to not give older guys extensions nowadays but if anyone ever desereved one before the season it was Manny fucking Ramirez. This ownership group is so fucking full of themselves its re-goddamn-diculous. They are the ones who acted like spoiled brats by not appreciating what Manny has done for them. Sure, Manny can be a handful and a pain in the ass but so what? He wins baseball games. Sorry he couldn't cure AIDS and lower gas prices while he was at it.

The real question, which I will get into in much more depth tomorrow, is how do I approach the rest of this season. I still love the players on the Red Sox and still like the team but the ownership can go fuck themselves for all I care. They drove their best player out of town. But if they make the playoffs I'm going to have to deal with all these Manny-haters saying, "I told you so." And I fucking hate being told I told you so. This fucking sucks.

Also what's this with everyone talking management's side in this case. No love for the working man? Fucking scabs. I wish I was at Fenway for Bay's first game. That fucking canuck. I'd yell, "The Bruins play down the street you fucking hoser!" And start Manny's Better chants all fucking night.


Welcome to another 86 years of fucking ruining it.

So it sounds like the ownership/management/special-olymplic-all-stars in the Red Sox front office have struck again. I wonder if I'll live long enough to see the Sox win it again. Worst fucking trade ever.

Farewell, Sweet Manny

Well all the fucking retarded media types and arrogant Red Sox ownership/management just got their wish. They traded away the best hitter Boston had since Ted Williams (yes, better than Yaz). All he ever did was win two fucking World Series' for this ungrateful group but because the previous owners/general managers signed Manny they never liked him. They tried to give him away since day one and when he delivered season after season they ignored his accomplishments and acted like the ingrate that they claimed Manny was.

Yeah, it was always an adventure in the outfield for Manny. Yeah, he was never very open with the media and got summarily ripped for it but who fucking cares. Let me tell you kids about another Boston left fielder whose defense was criticized and the media hated. His name was TED FUCKING WILLIAMS!!!!! And Manny has brought more titles to Boston than him!!!!

So in the end Boston got two titles and Manny got $168 million. Yeah that's a ton of money but when you think about how much cash the team made off Manny's accomplishments its a drop in the fucking bucket. Hell, I spent at least $2.7 million on World Series merchandise. Yet the owners wanted Manny to keep kissing their asses when it should be the other way around.

RBIs and World Championships. That's what Manny does. Unfortunately it will be some fucking crazy left coasters who don't give a shit about the Dodgers who will be benefiting from it now. Anyone who thinks that this is Manny's fault should shoot themselves in the fucking face. Anyone who thinks it was the ownership who stored up enough goodwill points with the fans that we should just accept whatever they tell us has things ass backwards. It's Manny who should get the benefit of the doubt. Epstein can trade for Orlando Cabrera all day every day but it was Manny who won that fucking world series. Not those arrogant pricks in the luxury boxes.

Anyway, goodbye, Manny. You were too beautiful for this town. There's at least one fan out there who will miss you. I'll see you in Cooperstown.

Friday, July 25, 2008

I will eat your soul in badminton

Today my company has its annual picnic. I'm not exactly sure what to expect. There's a pool, but I can't take my shirt off in public. There will probably be adult beverages, but I can't get too drunk. There will be food, but I can't gorge myself in front of my coworkers. However there will be badminton and I'm the best fucking badminton player in the whole damned state.

How did I get so good at such a pussy sport? My answer is in two parts. First, your face is a pussy sport. And second, I took a class for it in college. Yeah, while you were sitting in Medieval and Renaissances Studies 110: Western Encounters with Islam or concealing guns in your glove compartment, I was swaggering around the gym, kicking people's asses in badminton; that's how awesome my school is.

Sure, half of my what-surely-must-be-a-school-record 46 singles badminton wins came against girls who didn't want anything to do with badminton (or a sweaty, screaming, overweight badminton ace) but a win is a win and I still beat some pretty stiff competition. Seriously. Just ask the former Division I-AA All-American defensive end who was the badminton instructor. I wiped the floor with that 6-4, 280 lbs. meat stick. It wasn't very hard either.

What? Your asking about my 1-2 record against that one kid in the class? Well, that doesn't count. He was in shape.

So anyway I'm going to burn so many bridges today playing badminton they might as well call me Nero.

What's up 12-year-old daughter of a junior partner? Bam! Your done, NEXT!

How's it going morbidly obese and repulsive staff accountant? Bam! Get the fuck out of here, NEXT!

Think you can hang with me unpaid summer intern? Bam! Tell your girlfriend I said what's up.

That's it, I'm done, retiring undefeated and untied. See you Monday, fuckers.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Monday, July 21, 2008

Thoughts on Jesse Jackson saying the N-Word

My only thoughts on the issue stem from the issue of Age, not Race. I graced gods good earth in '83, many Americans had fought war or two by then, so I am not coming from the angle of superior experience. But I am a member of the generation that is up and coming. In ten years, we will be the young politicians, lawyers, TV news talking heads, Military personnel, government officials, etc. Those in my circle, the people that I believe to be motivated, educated, and intelligent enough to call a spade a spade, say the same thing about this as I do: Who gives a shit?

We didn't live through the same things as the generation before and don't carry some of the same fears/guilt. I never went to a school where black kids couldn't go. Even when I was in private school. I never drank from a whites only fountain. Personally, and the opinion of my friends, racism seems a little ridiculous to me. I mean, seriously, judging someones worth or intelligence on skin color? Writing off an entire race? Acting or making decisions solely based on ethnicity? To me, this is just plain dumb.

As far as the word nigger goes: It's an ugly word, don't say it if you don't like it, don't say it if it's going to offend someone, 'cause when you do someone will be offended. That being said, whore is also an ugly word, so is cocksucker and fuckhead. I use them, but not on TV and only in certain company. Given enough time, we will no longer be arguing about words inciting racism and all that jazz, we'll be focused on moving forward as a country and not being so damn impolite on TV.

I think that the furor should have been the same if he picked another word. He's an instigator and he's been shunned by the guy whose coattails he wants to ride, and he's bitter. If he had said, "he's talking down to motherfuckers" it wouldn't have been a race issue, it would have been an issue of how bitter Jesse Jackson is. That's the real issue.

Personally, this whole thing is not news worthy and should have been on TMZ. Bottom line is the people that I know in my generation don't care about shit like this. They don't care that he said nigger, it's not setting anything back, they care that he's on TV acting like a damn asshole, I care that he's a relevant public figure for no apparent reason. I care about how seriously people take him. Instigation is not emancipation, a hibbity hibbity and a rat a tat tat,

Friday, July 18, 2008

This guy hates freedom

Comments:I am furious with your scamming company on behalf of my wife. We purchased the two (removed company name) products that the store said were the correct product to receive the manicure or pedicure voucher. When we enter ed the UPC Codes into the appropriate webpage your scamming system stated t hat these were not the correct product even they were. It stated that they had to be the ones with the special green plastic label and they were. Yo ur stupid Customer Service Supervisor RN (if he really was) said I did not know what I was talking about even though I was reading the webpag e to him. He then said it was the blue numbers on the bottom or top of the products. I told him there were no blue numbers on the top or bottom of e ither bottle. I demanded he send my wife the voucher. He refused and hung up on me. I called back and another representative tried to say that (product removed) did not do this, but some other company. I don't know what kind of con game (removed) is playing on God-fearing American citizens b ut be assured we will never buy anything that you produce unless you immedi ately send a voucher for my wife via overnight mail. A copy of this note i s being saved to use to report your company to the Better Business Bureau a nd the Ohio Attorney General's Office for fraud. You are low down terroris ts. I would rather be robbed by a street thug with a gun to my head than b y you terrorists who hide in your white color jobs and rob people of what t hey are due. At least a street thug does not claims to be anything other t han that. I trust that God brings economic failure to your company to punish you for your treatment of good people.

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Yankees Sign Richie Sexson to Tentative Deal




WOW, that's a good one. How the mighty have fallen. This guy wasn't good enough for the 37-58 Seattle Mariners but the Yankees bring him in. He's barely hitting above the Mendoza Line (.218) with less RBIs than part-time catcher Chris Ianneta (30). I guess New York brought him in to face leftys (he's 21-for-61 against them this year) but really? I got nothing against Sexson personally but he's pretty washed up and I find it hilarious that the vaunted Yankees rescued him from the scrap heap. What's next? Jose Lima to steady the rotation? Eric Gagne to shore up the bullpen? Carl Everett to help clubhouse chemistry? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

The Stereo

Fort Sumter, Archiduke Ferdinand and Pearl Harbor are all phrases synonymous with the opening of unbelievably violent and horrific conflicts. Sadly, they may soon be joined by "NO DISC."

Thus read a local man's car stereo when he attempted to play a compact disc featuring Robert Johnson, the father of the blues, and Old Crow Medicine Show, an old-time string band.

The man, only identified as Doug, returned to his car this afternoon after having lent it to a friend for nearly a week. Shortly thereafter relations between Doug and the car's stereo quickly took an ugly turn.

Upon entering the car Doug inserted the CD. Instead of showing it's usual "TRACK 1" on its display the defiant stereo simply read, "NO DISC." Visibly annoyed Doug pulled out of the parking lot hoping that the problem would work itself out. It did not.

Compounding the problem was the fact that Doug's car is black with a black leather interior, devoid of any semblance of air conditioning and the sunroof was broken by Doug's idiot brother.

Doug acknowledged that the heat played a significant factor in what will surely go down as a day of infamy. "Yeah, the heat was a bitch. I knew it would be but I guess I just wasn't ready for it. When I opened that door I got a rush of pure heat, directly from the bowels of hell. My mood turned."

After about 60 seconds in the car Doug began to become concerned with his car's stereo. "What the fuck," he muttered to himself. Figuring the problem would fix itself, he drove on.

Having driven for several minutes in the sweltering car Doug began to perspire, at first just a little on the brow and collar but shortly thereafter this typically jovial 22-year-old would become a raging inferno of hate, drenched in sweat.

At nearly the precise moment that Doug crossed the intersection of Hillside St. and Randolph Ave. he realized that the stereo would not fix itself. Wagon Wheel would not pour out of the car's speakers to quiet the anger building inside him.

"What the fuck is going on here?" the driver exclaimed as he ejected, and promptly reinserted, the CD. The stereo's display stared at him, "NO DISC."

"I know there is a goddamn disc in there, you piece of shit!" yelled Doug. Thinking that perhaps the volume was all the way down he turned the knob clockwise. The ill-fated knob had succumbed to the heat hours ago and was nothing more than glob of melted rubber. Instead of raising the stereo's volume Doug had instead succeeded in getting rubber all over his hands.

"That was definitely a low-point. No question. I wanted to turn the stereo up but instead my hand looked like I sneezed on it but if the snot was black... and smelled like cancer," Doug recalled when asked about the Melting of the Knob.

Having seemingly failed to turn the volume up Doug switched the stereo to FM. Sure enough WPLR was blaring the Alabama Song by the Doors. So it wasn't the volume. When switched back to CD mode, the stereo still read, "NO DISC."

Doug's patience was completely gone at the point. His hair and shirt drenched in sweat and his right hand caked in molten rubber. Doug snapped. (WARNING: Explicit language to follow)


"NO DISC," the stereo mocked him.

"THIS FUCKING THING...SUCKS. FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING MOTHERFUCKING PIECE OF SHIT! YOU GODDAMNED SONOFABITCH!!!" This round of expletives was punctuated by Doug's angry display of the middle finger to his stereo.

"NO DISC," the stereo read, calmer and crueler than ever.

"FUCK YOU! YOU HAVE ONE FUCKING JOOOOOOOB!!!!!!!!!" The crescendo built to awe-inspiring levels, passing motorists on the road stared with a strange combination of amazement and horror at this sweat-soaked man hurling obscenities at a seemingly innocuous piece of machinery.

"GWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA........" This was no longer English spewing forth from Doug but rather a primal, guttural sound that continued for nearly half a minute, growing louder. This time, not just content to abuse his stereo verbally, Doug removed his hand from shift lever and brought it forward, violently. The ensuing collision would change everything, forever.

His hand throbbing and with a deranged grin across his face Doug, brought his hand back from what he surely thought would be a decimated car stereo, eager to see the end of his nemesis.

Quoth the stereo, "NO DISC." It was completely intact.

"This isn't fucking over you snot-nosed, arrogant piece of crap," Doug said with relative calm. Still, he was jabbing his finger into the tape deck to drive his point home.

Still minutes from his destination, Doug turned the stereo off and decided to actually pay attention to driving, and not sweating.

"This isn't over between me and that fucking stereo. I've gone through all the proper channels and completed all the appropriate paperwork, crossed every T and dotted all the lower-case J's. It's war and I'm going to bring the motherfucking pain," said Doug with a unsettling amount of composure.

Considering Doug must commute home in less than 90 minutes the stereo's time may be running short or, perhaps, its time is just beginning...

No talent ass clown

It just so happens that Derek Jeter isn't good at baseball.

He may be an outstanding team player, fine. They have tons of "outstanding team players" at the special olympics.

Okay, so you say he's the face of the Yankees organization and a "real stand-up guy." Fuck that shit.

First off, Stienbrenner was the face of the organizaiton, and when we all think about Steinbrenner, we think of the back of his head yelling at George Costanza. So ha.

Second, what the fuck is a stand up guy? Richard Pryor was a stand up guy, and I will to bet that he would have been a better shortstop.

The only reason that people think that Derek Jeter is a great baseball player is because they are fucking YANKEES FANS! Which, by nature, makes you a cotton headed ninny muggins. Granted, I believe that there is a secret chemical leaked into the city water that brainwashes people into being "newyoakahs," but until science backs me up, they are just plain dumb.

I'm sure that Doug will punt me some stats to back this shit up. But hey, fuggettaboutit! Right you silly greasy guido fucks? Paint the ceiling, thanks.

Look at this picture. I mean, did he actually say to the camera man, "Hey, I got nothing on A-Rod as far as talent goes, so, could you make me look shiny? Like really really really shiny? Pleeeeeease?!!? Thanks buddy. Don't worry, I'll sign that jersey later. Like right in the middle of the fucking all-star game." Hey Jeter, you should have even been in the dugout. You kinda suck.

Thursday, July 10, 2008

Reason #14,738 Why I Love Manny

During a pitching change in the 6th inning of yesterday's game Manny decided to make a couple calls inside the monster. I would cut off my left hand to be in Manny's five.

Tuesday, July 8, 2008

News from the Underground

A tired man once told me, "F*ck this, I'm going to sleep." I didn't really understand what he meant until this past weekend. Details forthcoming...

Monday, July 7, 2008

Fuckin thing

Snakes! Nasty Snakes!

So it turns out that it isn't a great idea to drink snake wine. Yeah, snake wine. Gross. It's some sort of booze, with a fucking snake in it, and some sort of snake eggs, and a few drops of death.

I may or may not have drank some of this evil, evil devil juice on Freedomas Eve (the night before America Day) and there may or may not have been a gay dance party to the song "Brandy." Oops.

Wednesday, July 2, 2008

Happy Independence Day!

I know I'm a bit early but I'm going to be away for the rest of the week. Hope everyone has a great Fourth of July.

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Live Free or Die

I'll go point-by-point so my slack-jawed, mouth-breathing friend can follow along:

-Yes, Virginia was the first British colony in America. Fine, have that title all you want. Colonies are un-American but you want to know what is American? Statehood, and Connecticut, Massachusetts (which then included Maine), and New Hampshire were all states before Johnny-come-lately Virginia decided to join the party.

-New England doesn't have state parks? Really? I guess we should all bow down to Virginia's whopping 34 state parks because that is way too many for the states of New England to match. Oh wait, Connecticut has 61 (SIXTY-ONE!!!!) state parks, which is pretty impressive because it's about 13% of the size of Virginia. Rhode Island, yes Little Rhodey, has 29 state parks. I stopped counting after that. Also New England is the vacation destination for America's elite (Bar Harbor, ME, Newport, RI, Nantucket, MA, Martha's Vineyard, MA, Old Saybrook, CT the list goes on and on...)

-New England gave birth to seven presidents (six and a half really): John Adams, John Quincy Adams, Franklin Pierce, Calvin Coolidge, John F. Kennedy, George Bush, and George Bush jr.

-Yes, Virginia grows tobacco but so does Connecticut and parts of Massachusetts. The Connecticut River valley north of Hartford is known as Tobacco Valley. So don't go thinking that smokers in New England couldn't get their fix if it weren't for Virginia.

-Richmond was never the capital of its own country. Pretending to be a country does not make you a country. I could sit here all day and declare my cubicle a sovereign nation but that doesn't make it so. As far as America is concerned, the south (and my cubicle) were never their own countries.

-You can have the CIA and Pentagon all you want. We have the WWE world headquarters. Suck on that.

-Ted: Virginia was once so big and bad that it consisted of Virgina, West Virginia, Kentucky, Tennessee, North and South Carolina and DC. Again with colonial times. Get it through your head that when Virginia was that big they were just a puppet for a King that lived thousands of miles away. Being subjugated by a monarch isn't exactly something to be proud of...

-Your accents make you sound like brain dead hicks.

-The Redskins have been better over their history than the Patriots but where did the Redskins start their history? In Boston, so your welcome for your football team. Eat it.

New England has much better educational institutions (all the elite boarding schools and colleges are in New England (yeah, I went to college in VA, big mistake)) and is simply smarter.

New England is more wealthy.

New England gave the world the rock bands Boston and Aerosmith.

I hope a lobster chops your balls off.

Virginia beats the shit out of New England.

Listen here Chowdaheads.

Sad story for you snow-weary Plymouth rock monkeys. Virginia totally started America. 1607, Jamestown, Va. Birthplace of America. Look it up bitches.

Virginia is prettier, with 34 highly regarded state parks. Love the smell of America? I do. Where do I get my fix? Virginia's state parks!

New England isn't even a state. It's a stupid region with stupid regional parks. Plus, when is anything named after England good? (England, not an English person. Too easy, Doug)

Virgina gave birth to eight presidents.

Virginia grows tobacco, everyone looks cool when they smoke, even Richie Cunningham.

Our State capital was also the capital of a country. (One that was not recognized by the US, but who cares! Fuck em.)

We have the Pentagon, the CIA, and the NRA. Also, we have 7 dead presidents and Arlington National cemetery on our hallowed grounds.

Virginia was once so big and bad that it consisted of Virgina, West Virginia, Kentucky, Tennessee, North and South Carolina and DC. Beat that fuck stain.

Our accents sound better.

The Redskins are better (over time) than the patriots.

The Red Sox are better than anyone so fuck you Doug, I'm taking that one away.

America was born in Virginia.

Virginia is for lovers. We like to bump nasties.

p.s. Doug likes dudes.