Scattered thoughts on tonight's hoops

#1 UConn vs. #20 Syracuse- 7 pm, ESPN- The Orangemen will try to dethrone the top-rated Huskies on their own turf. Coach Calhoun's team features four talented guards (two of which are super athletic and lightning-quick), a double-double machine at power forward, and a 7-3 monster from Tanzania in the middle. They have some serious talent but their lack of a true three-point shooter hurts their ability to pull away from teams. The Huskies instead rely on being bigger, faster, stronger, and more talented then there opponents. Jim Boeheim will no doubt break out his vaunted zone and try to force UConn to shoot over the top of them but, as we all know, ZONE DEFENSE IS FOR PUSSIES. Guards Kemba Walker and Jerome Dyson will slice through it, big Jeff Adrien will power through it and Hasheem Thabeet will simply dunk over it.



#3 UNC vs. #4 Duke- 9 pm, ESPN- I can't describe to you how much I hate the Duke Blue Devils. Whether it's their pedophile-looking coach or there insistence on only recruiting little, white tryers who can only shoot, flop, whine to the refs, and look like they have downs-syndrome Duke pisses me off to no end. Old white guys love Duke because they "play the game the right way" (translation: aren't able to dunk),"hustle" (translation: not talented), and "fundamentally sound" (translation: white). These same old white guys decry the "thugs" (translation: tattooed people) who are "selfish" (translation: dunk) and "don't have respect for the game" (translation: black). Hey, old white guys (Dickie V. I'm looking at you), I don't want to generalize but chances are that you are a racist. Also, I'm sick of all the dick-sucking for these Cameron Crazies, why does the TV camera angle at Duke have to be different than at all other 300+ basketball schools? What fucking TV executive decided that TV viewers don't want to see the coach and the bench but rather 2,000 painted-blue losers who have way, way too many choreographed cheers and dances. Seriously, all you "Duke fans" (translation: racists) get a life.

I'm back, bitches

OK, so it's been about six months since Freglomerica last exploded into your brain. In the interval a lot of very fascinating stuff has happened to your intrepid punter. And by "a lot of very fascinating stuff" I mean alcohol and by "has happened" I mean poisoning. Kinda, seriously, call my mom, she'll tell you. A lot has also gone down in the grand scheme of things. Let's check the scorecard:


-America elected its first black president: +20 points.
-Said president is a Democrat: -5.
-Democrats are just as frustrating/annoying/bad at governing as Republicans: -15.
-Red Sox make the playoffs without Manny: +3.
-Red Sox make it to the ALCS sans Manny: +5.
-Red Sox lose to Devil Rays in ALCS without Manny: -5.
-Manny absolutely murders the NL: +5.
-Manny carries Dodgers to NLCS: +5.
-Manny loses to Phillies, setting up Philly vs. Tampa for the World Series: -6.
-Manny still isn't signed and people are acting like he's Hitler: -10.
-Holy Taco breaks ground on new stadium: +10
-Patriots get set to avenge Super Bowl loss: +2.
-Tom Brady's knee explodes seven minutes into first game: -a billion.
-Pats gut out an 11-5 season but miss playoffs: 0.
-Peyton Manning wins MVP but loses in first round, the story of his life: +5.
-Cardinals make the Super Bowl: +4.
-But lose to hated Steelers: -6.
-Sarah Palin names child after Bristol, CT because that's where ESPN is headquartered: Mrs. Palin, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Final tally: +12 minus a billion??

Anyway, this is not a complete scorecard so I expect to update this shortly. Let it be known that Doug the Punter is back and blogging. Shout it from the rooftops, kids. And if I stop writing then feel free to make fun of me in the comments in the most personal, degrading way possible. We're all in this together.

In which Ted and I get alliterative...

Ted: I like alliteration

pampered pooch pooped on the plywood

Doug: pampered pooch pleasantly pooped on the plywood
your turn
Ted: paraplegic pampered pooch pleasantly pooped on the purple plywood
SLAM!
Doug: you want to play that way?
fine
paraplegic pampered pug pooch pleasantly pooped on the purple plywood piano purposely put there by Peter Parker
Ted: polly pockets' paraplegic previously pampered pug pooch pleasantly pooped on the purple plywood piano purposely put there by Peter Parker, not peter pan, who previously purchased polly's precocious pug and pretty purple piano
HAHAHAHAHA
this is the most fun i have had in weeks
Doug: you repeat, cheater
Ted: i don't get credit for the repeats
Doug: ok
Ted: shit
we need to blog this
Doug: polly pockets' paraplegic pampered pug pooch pleasantly pooped on the purple plywood piano purposely put there by Peter Parker, not peter pan, who previously purchased Parker Posey's powerful, potent poster of Paramount's Powder
Ted: you dick
blog it
pleeeeease
Doug: i gotta buy Who tickets
you do it

In which Ted and I expose our inner nerds...

Ted and I are jocks and as such it is our job, no our constitutional obligation, to make fun of nerds. (Hey buddy, you get a load of that nerd?) However, deep within every jock there is at least an ounce of nerdom hovering below the surface of our once manly (now overweight) physiques. Today we had an IM conversation in which our inner nerds emerged:

Ted: fuck shit
i want to play zelda again
fuck shit
Doug: your boss still there?
Ted: yeah
Doug: fucker
Ted: now there's two of 'em
Doug: uh-oh, they're multiplying
Ted: i want to freeze one with my boomarang, then shoot my sword at him, but i'm down a half a heart
sucks
Doug: beep
beep
beep
beep
beep
beep
Ted: no
Doug: beep
beep
beep
beep
Ted: just down a half
Doug: beep
beep
oh ok
Ted: not TO a half
Doug: gotcha
Ted: jeez, scared me

No talent ass clown

Soooooooooo,
It just so happens that Derek Jeter isn't good at baseball.

He may be an outstanding team player, fine. They have tons of "outstanding team players" at the special olympics.

Okay, so you say he's the face of the Yankees organization and a "real stand-up guy." Fuck that shit.

First off, Stienbrenner was the face of the organizaiton, and when we all think about Steinbrenner, we think of the back of his head yelling at George Costanza. So ha.

Second, what the fuck is a stand up guy? Richard Pryor was a stand up guy, and I will to bet that he would have been a better shortstop.

The only reason that people think that Derek Jeter is a great baseball player is because they are fucking YANKEES FANS! Which, by nature, makes you a cotton headed ninny muggins. Granted, I believe that there is a secret chemical leaked into the city water that brainwashes people into being "newyoakahs," but until science backs me up, they are just plain dumb.

I'm sure that Doug will punt me some stats to back this shit up. But hey, fuggettaboutit! Right you silly greasy guido fucks? Paint the ceiling, thanks.

Look at this picture. I mean, did he actually say to the camera man, "Hey, I got nothing on A-Rod as far as talent goes, so, could you make me look shiny? Like really really really shiny? Pleeeeeease?!!? Thanks buddy. Don't worry, I'll sign that jersey later. Like right in the middle of the fucking all-star game." Hey Jeter, you should have even been in the dugout. You kinda suck.

Reason #14,738 Why I Love Manny

During a pitching change in the 6th inning of yesterday's game Manny decided to make a couple calls inside the monster. I would cut off my left hand to be in Manny's five.

Live Free or Die

I'll go point-by-point so my slack-jawed, mouth-breathing friend can follow along:

-Yes, Virginia was the first British colony in America. Fine, have that title all you want. Colonies are un-American but you want to know what is American? Statehood, and Connecticut, Massachusetts (which then included Maine), and New Hampshire were all states before Johnny-come-lately Virginia decided to join the party.

-New England doesn't have state parks? Really? I guess we should all bow down to Virginia's whopping 34 state parks because that is way too many for the states of New England to match. Oh wait, Connecticut has 61 (SIXTY-ONE!!!!) state parks, which is pretty impressive because it's about 13% of the size of Virginia. Rhode Island, yes Little Rhodey, has 29 state parks. I stopped counting after that. Also New England is the vacation destination for America's elite (Bar Harbor, ME, Newport, RI, Nantucket, MA, Martha's Vineyard, MA, Old Saybrook, CT the list goes on and on...)

-New England gave birth to seven presidents (six and a half really): John Adams, John Quincy Adams, Franklin Pierce, Calvin Coolidge, John F. Kennedy, George Bush, and George Bush jr.

-Yes, Virginia grows tobacco but so does Connecticut and parts of Massachusetts. The Connecticut River valley north of Hartford is known as Tobacco Valley. So don't go thinking that smokers in New England couldn't get their fix if it weren't for Virginia.

-Richmond was never the capital of its own country. Pretending to be a country does not make you a country. I could sit here all day and declare my cubicle a sovereign nation but that doesn't make it so. As far as America is concerned, the south (and my cubicle) were never their own countries.

-You can have the CIA and Pentagon all you want. We have the WWE world headquarters. Suck on that.

-Ted: Virginia was once so big and bad that it consisted of Virgina, West Virginia, Kentucky, Tennessee, North and South Carolina and DC. Again with colonial times. Get it through your head that when Virginia was that big they were just a puppet for a King that lived thousands of miles away. Being subjugated by a monarch isn't exactly something to be proud of...

-Your accents make you sound like brain dead hicks.

-The Redskins have been better over their history than the Patriots but where did the Redskins start their history? In Boston, so your welcome for your football team. Eat it.

New England has much better educational institutions (all the elite boarding schools and colleges are in New England (yeah, I went to college in VA, big mistake)) and is simply smarter.

New England is more wealthy.

New England gave the world the rock bands Boston and Aerosmith.



I hope a lobster chops your balls off.

Who's ready for some unabashed jingoism?

I first heard of this story a couple weeks ago and didn't really pay it much attention but now it's getting some more coverage and since it concerns America I figured it was time for me to weigh in.

Becky Hammon is one of the best players in the WNBA (so she would be riding the pine on any decent men's high school team) but she didn't make our Olympic team. So what did the South Dakota native do? Why agree to play for the Ruskies, that's what. Since Hammon plays in a Russian pro league during the WNBA offseason she has been granted dual-citizenship, which has allowed her to play for Russia in the Olympics.

Frankly, I'm pretty disgusted at Hammon. Some people might defend her saying that she just wants to realize her Olympic dream but I have a couple problems with that: First, basketball isn't like gymnastics or swimming or something that people only really pay attention to in the Olympics so I don't really feel bad about her not "realizing her Olympic dream." Second, say she were playing for Morocco or Barbados or Brazil or any other country besides Russia then this wouldn't be that big a deal. I know the Cold War is over but Russia is still one of our main rivals in the Olympics so I think her actions are inexcusable. Finally, and most importantly, aren't most people's Olympic dreams rooted in some sort of national pride? Isn't that the point? To bring USA the gold? I like to think so, at least.

So has Hammon turned her back on her country? Definitely. Has she disgraced herself? Most certainly. Should she be booed by the three dozen fans at every WNBA game? Absolutely. But is she, as the USA coach called her, a traitor? No. I don't think the T-word can be applied in this situation because that's about as low as you can go. In fact I think treason (real, serious, no-joke treason; not I-don't-think-getting-tangled-up-in-the-Middle-East-is-a-good-idea "treason") is probably the only crime that deserves capital punishment so I'm not a big fan of just throwing that word around. Still Hammon really needs to get her priorities straight. She's an American who grew up with all the privileges and responsibilities that that entails so I think it's pretty disrespectful to compete for Russia in the Olympics.

Also if Russia beats USA for the Gold then I say she loses her American citizenship. Seriously. She should be allowed in the country to play in the WNBA but she can spend her winters in Siberia if she loves Russia so freaking much.

Golf announcers need to take it down a notch

I like Tiger Woods, I really do but the on-air fawning for the guy over the weekend at the U.S. Open was unbearable. In case you weren't paying attention Tiger had arthroscopic knee surgery two months ago and looked like he was in some pain while playing well enough to force an 18-hole playoff with Rocco Mediate (which will take place today at noon). Unfortunately the NBC announcing crew took exaggeration and hyperbole to a new level, with Johnny Miller declaring that what Tiger was doing was more impressive than what Willis Reed and Kirk Gibson did. Umm, did I miss something here? Are we now saying that golfers are as tough as athletes who play actual sports? Here are the reasons why I think Tiger's knee injury have been blown way, way out of proportion:

-Firstly, Stuart Appleby had a similar procedure at about the same time as Tiger but no one is talking about it.

-Secondly golf is probably the least strenuous sport that receives major coverage in the USA (I'm not counting the racing car pageants). When 80 year-olds can do the same thing as the world's best in a sport (albeit on a much lower level) then that sport isn't that physically demanding. This isn't to take away from the skill and preparation involved with golf just that the strain it puts on one's body is considerably less than every other major sport. (Yes, even baseball and even fat pitchers. Could you imagine if an 80 year-old tried to throw a pitch, I mean really tried to throw one, he'd probably tweak/strain/break every ligament/muscle/bone in his body).

-Thirdly athletes in other sports have arthroscopic knee surgery all the time and get much less time than two months to recover. Here is an excerpt from an article from Suns.com about Amare Stoudemire and his arthroscopic knee surgery: “It was a routine procedure," General Manager Steve Kerr said. "Everything that the doctor expected to see is exactly what he saw. Amaré is coming down Thursday and starting rehab immediately. We expect to see him back on the court in two and a half to three weeks. There is no reason for concern.” TWO AND A HALF TO THREE WEEKS, and that's not just walking and swinging a club, that's running and jumping on a hard wood floor. Now sometimes normal athletes who have their knee scoped take about two months to return but when they do return they have to do things that are much more physically demanding than what Tiger is doing. From an Orlando Sentinel article: "If he does win after coming back from injury, that's an admirable thing," said Randy Roberts, a history professor at Purdue University who specializes in sports history. "But I don't think the injury is such a big deal. There have been some phenomenal comebacks in sports, but almost every football player probably has similar surgery that Tiger is having. They might be out six-to-eight weeks and come back." There, a historian puts it in it's proper context, it's not that big a deal.

-Lastly the major difference between Woods and Reed and Gibson is the way their respective sports are set up. When it's all said and done Tiger will have competed in the U.S. Open for about 30 straight years. That means he got a chance to play for his sports championship 30 times. Reed and Gibson had much, much fewer opportunities to try to win the title. What I'm saying is that it's a lot more difficult to win a championship in a sport where there is a long, grueling season and then playoffs. That's not Tiger's fault, it's just the way that his sport is.

Let me reiterate that I think Tiger is a hell of a golfer who played very, very well while dealing with some pain. However everyone seems to be acting like this is the most impressive thing to ever happen in the history of sport and conveniently forgetting that hockey players take pucks to the face, get stitched up on the bench, and then go back out on the ice. So let's all take it easy with the Tiger is gutting it out hyperbole and just appreciate the golf he is playing.

As a bonus here are some real injury-related anecdotes that make you, me, and Tiger look like 7 year-old girls at a Hello Kitty birthday party by comparison:

-Jack Youngblood, a linebacker for the Rams in the 1970s, played most of the NFC Championship game on a broken leg.

-Ronnie Lott broke his left pinky finger during the 1985 season and instead of opting for surgery that would've made him miss time he had part of his finger amputated. Let me say that again: instead of surgery Lott had part of his finger cut off so he could keep playing.

-Every professional hockey player, ever (except Jaromir Jagr). These guys are as badass as they come, they don't take crap from anyone, even fans:




-Chuck Bednarik, a two-way player for the Eagles in the 1950s and1960s, broke his ankle in the first half of the second to last game of the 1956 season. Instead of going to the trainer/doctor, Bednarik went to the equipment manager who rigged him a splint made of old shoulder pads and duct tape. Bednarik wore the contraption for the rest of the game and next two weeks without ever telling anyone with medical training about his injury until the season was over. By the way, the Eagles were something like 3-8 at the time of the injury and had no shot at the playoffs. When he finally had doctors look at his ankle it turns out it was a compound fracture and had gotten very badly infected. Now that is one badass motherfucker.

Autoball: Great Sport or Greatest Sport?

I stumbled across this video at The Beautiful Game (which credits The Offsides Rule for finding it) and I must say that Autoball is bizarrely addictive. It's kinda like soccer crossed with demolition derby. Check out the final between Ze Germans and the Irish.



My only complaint is that I don't think the drivers are drunk enough but besides that I think this sport has a lot of potential. I don't think it could be an every year sport but it definitely could be an Olympic event considering that figure skating and what not are there. Tell me you wouldn't root your ass off for USA. Also, I'm pretty sure Ted would be on our Olympic team...if he could fit in one of those clown cars.

Talking 'bout My Generation

And he's proud of his scars and the battles he's lost,
And he struggles and bleeds as he hangs on the cross-
And he likes to be known as the angry young man.

-Billy Joel

So the other day I saw that some dumbass professor from Emory decided to take time off from sewing leather patches onto the elbows of his tweed jacket to pen the delightfully named, "The Dumbest Generation: How the Digital Age Stupefies Young Americans and Jeopardizes Our Future (Or, Don't Trust Anyone Under 30)." This clown's name is Mark Bauerlein and I have a couple words for him (let's wait a second while he positions his ear horn): FUCK OFF, gramps. Seriously, you're questioning our generations intelligence? That's about the most irresponsible thing of which I can think. (Surprised I didn't sentence in a preposition, pal? Yeah, I'm a fucking genius like you). I'm not sure how you could responsibly gauge the intelligence of tens of millions of people before many have fully grown and matured. I do agree there are a lot of dumbasses in the current generation and rather than defend them I'm going to rip on previous generations and show that every generation is pretty damn dumb.

Born around 1900:
These were the geniuses who started prohibition. This alone should warrant them being the dumbest generation. "Hey, I have a great idea? Let's get rid of the thing that makes people happy after working in coal mines for 16 hours a day, 6 days a week?" "Yeah, that'd be a great idea, imagine what we'll be able to accomplish when everyone is sober all the time." Unfortunately for these sepia-toned idiots the only thing they created was the single largest financial crisis in world history. On top of that these old-timey bicycle riding flappers couldn't even cure polio. What a bunch of retards. Silent movies suck.

Born around 1925:
This generation was pretty sweet, I'm not going to lie but their kids suck and so does Sinatra (yeah, I fucking said it).

Born around 1950:
The baby-boomers: "I have an idea let's start out sweet and make awesome music, hang out, and have a good time but then sell out faster than George Carlin in a phone ad. We'll do a ton of blow then act like greedy corporate assholes and look down our noses at younger people, completely ignoring (and invalidating) the minor, minor things we accomplished when we were cool. Oh yeah, lets listen to music only produced on synthesizers and wear clothing that would make a retarded clown blush. But that's not enough, let's steal all the Social Security, ruin the economy, mire our children in the same exact type of war we protested about 35 years ago. Then let's send that Bauerlein guy out to right a book blasting our kids so we can feel great about all the social change we didn't affect 40 years ago." This generation is the most hypocritical, illogical, pompous, self-important, and out of touch group probably ever to grace this planet. Oh and thanks for Michael McDonald, assholes.

So in summation, the Bauerlein fucktard wrote an inflammatory book because he was probably rejected for tenure at his University and decided to rail on something that he knows nothing about. I hope he gets hit by a fucking bus. No wait, that's too old school. I hope he gets hit by a hover car. Yeah, a hover car, that'll show him.

Hes noble enough to win the world,
But weak enough to lose it
-Rush

Awkward Time with the KC Royals

A couple weeks ago my buddy asked for my address because he was going to mail me a present; the only thing I knew about it was that it would take 2-3 weeks for delivery. So lo and behold last night when a nondescript package arrived at my house and I opened it to find the most awkward/homoerotic calendar in the history of earth: The 2008 Kansas City Royals Charity Calendar. Now on its face it might seem like this calendar would be a harmless compilation of baseball action photos, however it is instead a collection of uncomfortable glamor shots of Royals players wearing casual clothing and hanging out in an factory basement of some kind. I like to think that this photo shoot led to recreation of the fashion show scene from Slapshot:

Mark Grudzielanek: I'm going to flash 'em, Dayton!
Dayton Moore (KC GM): No, you're not.
Mark Grudzielanek: I'm gonna walk down that stinkin' runway, open up this faggot robe and wiggle my dick at 'em! And do you know why? Because I want you to have a heart-attack and die so we don't have to do this shit again! You and your fucking photo shoots!

Anyway the actual pictures from the calendar aren't on the Interweb but thankfully there are "outtake" photos, so let's dive in:

Brandon Duckworth, P







Poor Brandon, he went all out with the shooters and now he's not even on the 40-man roster. Just goes to show that it doesn't matter how cool you are, you still need talent to make a baseball team, even one as poor as the Kansas City Royals.










Ryan Braun, P







The Fake Ryan Braun. Like Mr. Duckworth (quack, quack, quack) Mr. Braun is not with the big league club at the moment despite his thin beard, androgynous watch, and superior flexibility.











Luke Hochevar, P






"I don't know if you heard me, I did over 1,000, that's a lot."














John Buck, C








Nothing says casual like hanging out in a cold basement in a $15 folding chair.














Mark Teahen, RF







"Shhh, don't tell anyone how incredibly mediocre I am."















Billy Butler, 1B/DH








The photo of Billy in the actual calendar makes you even more uncomfortable, if that's at all possible.

David DeJeus, OF & John Buck, C

That must be the wreath from the Royals' 2007 Christmas/Eliminated from the 2008 Playoffs Party.

"Give me back my wreath, damn you!"

And just when you thought it couldn't get more awkward utility infielder Mark Grudzielanek proves you wrong, so very very wrong:

If that's what the cut out, what they left in must be pure gold. For more awkwardness visit royals.com/calendar

Ricky

Me, as Ricky.

Dr. S's Generic Bracket Breakdown

(Note from Doug: I love the NCAA tournament, it's great and it's fun but there is one thing I f*cking hate about it: All the generic, assembly-line articles that hack writers write this week. It's really pretty terrible so instead of spending your time clicking through dozens of articles, why don't you read this one: its an amalgamation of all the crappy articles that are written every March about the tournament by Freglomerica's resident sports columnist, Dr. S.)

Last night the brackets were revealed and you all know what that means? Yes, March Madness! Whoa! Yeah! This is the GREATEST EVENT EVER. I know i just wrote that the Super Bowl is the GREATEST EVENT EVER just six weeks ago but that was then, this is March and its time for Madness. All you crazy cats out there will probably spend more time filling out your brackets this week than working. Ha ha ha, that's awesome. Work sucks. Although no matter how long you spend on your bracket you're going to end up losing to some chick in accounting who chose teams based on retarded girl-logic. That's OK, dude-bro. Here's my handy guide to filling out your bracket:

1. Choose based on mascots- Have you ever been trying to pick a winner in a sporting event and thought to yourself, "How can I make this pick while at the same time be as cool as that tool from Not Another Teen Movie?" Then this strategy is for you. Would a Wildcat beat a Golden Eagle? How about a Wildcat against a Mountaineer? Could a Bull Dog best a Jaguar? Bull Dog beat a Duck? Bull Dog top a Hill Topper? Bull Dog or Musketeer? What the hell happens when a Bull Dog goes after a Wildcat? Choose this method if you want to let everyone know how cool, funny, and unique you are. But first answer me this: What the heck is a Torero? (You see what I did there? Its an obscure, bizarre mascot and I asked you what it is because its funny. It would have been a lot better if Vermont made the BIG DANCE because that joke works waaaay better with Catamount.)

2. The less you know the better- Sometimes too much knowledge is a bad thing. Just look at the cute secretary who wins the pool every year. So my advice to you is to don't read anything about the BIG DANCE (including this column). In fact it would be best if you didn't even know who was in the BIG DANCE. So what if you might choose Final Four teams who only won 10 games all year and are not in the tournament, you'll still be light years ahead of those suckers who did research and made their picks based on information. As we well know, knowledge is dumb, why else would the bosses' 11-year-old daughter win every year (In case you you couldn't tell I get paid based on how many references I make towards a no-nothing female winning office pools).


3. Choose based on schools Web site- Cruise around the net, bro, and check out all the schools Interweb sites. If their site is lame than their team is probably lame. If their sites are cool like me then their team is probably full of cool players. Also the more prominently the BIG DANCE is mentioned on their home page the worse the team will do. That is why I'm choosing Cornell to win it all. They don't even have an "Athletics" link on their site. Radical! (This theory may not be so great because I haven't heard it beat to death by all my fellow hack writers/broadcasters so proceed with caution otherwise you'll lose to that PR rep who knows nothing about basketball and may, in fact, be legally retarded).

Those are my pointers for filling out your brackets. Best of luck during the GREATEST EVENT EVER even though no matter what you do you're going to lose to the part-time secretary who's never seen a basketball game in her life. Smell ya later! -Dr. S.

Oh wait a sec, I didn't get my commission for joking about how great office pools are, here it is: I love office pools especially if there's a high dive. Zing!

(Note from Doug: This was our 100th post on Freglomerica. Celebration to follow shortly.)

My Case Against Brett Favre, and For Lorenzo Favre

Let me start by saying that Brett Favre is a great, great quarterback, probably top 10-15 all-time. Broke a bunch of records, won one Super Bowl, seems to be a fairly respectable guy. My question is how did this very good quarterback become a cross between George Washington, Martin Luther King Jr., and Bart Starr? Here is a list of problems I have with Brett Favre (really more of a problem I have with the media's handling of him):

1). His abuse of drugs was glossed over. In 1996 Favre became addicted to pain killers, had a seizure because of his addiction, subsequently fessed up, and eventually received treatment. Now I have no problems with Favre's struggles, everyone has serious personal problems from time to time. What I don't like is how the media conveniently forgets this dark chapter to the Favre legend while simultaneously vilifying other NFLers who have used drugs or were suspected of using drugs. Guys like Ricky Williams, Michael Vick, and Quincy Carter get skewered for allegedly smoking a little grass but Favre is allowed to pop much more potent and dangerous drugs and he's the greatest thing since sliced bread. I don't get it. (Actually, I think I do get it, unfortunately).

2). "He's just a regular guy, like me." I hate this one. He's not like me at all. He's a football legend from the deep south who makes money hand-over-fist, could sleep with any chick he wanted to, and is beloved by millions and millions of people. That doesn't sound like me. Let's re-examine that statement with my comparison to Favre in parenthesis:

He's a football legend (close, I was the punter on my college's D-III football team) from the deep south (I'm from New England, swing and a miss) who makes money hand-over-fist (living at home is a great way to save...), could sleep with any chick he wanted to (I'm just going to move on before I cut myself), and is beloved by millions and millions of people (maybe, maybe a dozen).

Ya see. It would be pretty hard for me to find somebody who is more different than me than Brett Favre. He's not a regular guy, he's a superstar quarterback! Get this through your head people.

3). "He's having fun out there." If you listen to any media-type person talk about Brett Favre within 10 seconds you will hear some variation of the above phrase. Listen, we get it, he likes playing football, good for him. I never really understood why this was such a big deal, it never allowed him to be better at his job, did it? Some guys who play professional sports love playing and are very happy to be paid for doing something they love; other guys just see it as a way to make a bunch of money. Why is it so much more important to be in the former group and not the latter? In the grand scheme of things it isn't. Also this just proves even more that he's not a regular guy. What type of jerk loves his job? The type of jerk that pisses me off, that's what type of jerk loves his job.

4). "His father died and he went out and had a great game a day later." I have to tip my hat here. He did play a hell of a game, however it was ruined by every media member not trapped under a rock proclaiming it being the BEST PERFORMANCE OF ALL TIME in the history of NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE. I'm fortunate enough to still have my dad around (granted I'm half Favre's age) and I can imagine how tough it would be to go out and do anything for a while after he passes. Still people's dads die all the time and many of them are still able to perform their jobs. I just think it was blown way out of proportion. Also the media forget that Brett had a loving relationship with his father for most of his life (I assume) while a great many players had abusive/non-existent fathers. To me, making it to the NFL without a dad is much more impressive than having a great game shortly after your loving father passes.

5). Brett Favre. Not that good. He was a great, great quarterback but let's be real, there are a number of quarterback's who are significantly better than him. That's a fact. I'm not going to dig into stats or anything but Favre is what we in the business (not sure what business I'm referring to here) call a "compiler." Someone who accumulated statistics and records by playing a ton of games. I have nothing against compilers, sticking around and playing well in a sport is a skill/talent as surely as foot speed and hand-eye coordination are but for me it doesn't go hand and hand with greatness (not that any one skill/talent does).

Anyway, what it comes down to for me is his one championship. Winning just one championship in football is very difficult and deserves respect but if you want to be considered one of the greatest quarterbacks of all-time I need at least two rings. I'm not saying he's in the same league as other one-time Super Bowl champions such as Mark Rypien, Trent Dilfer, Doug Williams, and Brad Johnson but he's a long way away from the likes of Joe Montana, Bart Starr, Otto Graham, and, of course, Tom Brady. Anyway I get my pro football information from Cold, Hard Football Facts and they have Favre at No. 10 on their greatest quarterback's list. I can live with that. I'd probably have him a bit lower because of his tendency to choke hard in playoff games: like his 6 pick game against St. Louis in 2002 and the 2008 NFC Championship game against the Giants where he gift-wrapped the victory for them. So like I said at the beginning I have him around 10-15 greatest QB's in history, very good but not deserving of the fly-your-flag-at-half-mast treatment most media members are giving his retirement.

One thing I learned about Favre that makes me like him more is that his middle name is Lorenzo. I probably wouldn't have written this article if he went by Lorenzo Favre.

Why the F is toilet paper under lock and key?

I hate you, special locked toilet paper dispenser in my bathroom at work. I hate you so much. Why in the name of everything holy is the TP being locked in my relativley expensive office space in Tyson's Corner, Va? Is there really an imminent threat of people stealing the one-ply sandpaper and stockpiling in at thier homes in case of a massive TP shortage? Is there and underground secondary market for poorly made TP? NO! No there is most certainly not. The real pain in the ass, haha, is the fact that you can't get more that six or eight inches before goddamn lockbox catches and rips you off. I spend more time in the bathroom screaming at the toitet paper dispenser and punching it in the face (it SO has a face) than what I originally came in there for. (obivously to fix my mascara) Se here is a note to the people that manage my building. Stop hoarding the TP and locking what TP you can part with in those god forsaken lock boxes. A lock box is not the answer. (ask Al Gore) So until this atrocity is remedied, I will continue to throw the unused scraps that break off on the floor and you can pick them up.

When all else fails, ride your cooler home.

I don't have enough time right now to do this justice. So look and imagine I said something funny about rednecks. And cutters...

Look at that monkey run! Part Duex

The owner of the Falcons, who suck because they can't beat the Ain'ts sans Reginald H.W. Bush, let a racist comment slip out last night during an interview with those morons and Kornhieser. Watch this, it's short.
The beauty of the whole thing is the subtle reaction from the other guys in the box. For the rest of the interview, which was an obvious public relations move resulting from the Vick sentencing, everytime that they asked him a question they would "let him think about that one before" he answered. You can do all the talking you want about how your young team is going to do well next year, but if you don't have the foresight not to warn a black quarterback not to "eat fried chicken and french fries" in jail, you have bigger catfish to fry. At least Cosell had street cred. Good job cracka ass cracka.

Don't stop....the Ravens!!!

Tom "i look gay in a cowboy hat" Brady you slippery MF'r. Just because my girlfriend loves you more than me DOES NOT mean that you are supposed get ridiculous 4th down and goal penalty calls. I don't expect anything less from your zombie-like fans then start throwing the ticker tape and firing up the Dick, uh-hum, Duckboats because you yet again scored the winning touchdown in the fourth quarter, leaving your team lacking a loss. But not I. No sir, not I. You almost lost to Philly, you almost lost to Ballmerr (that's how they say it.) I know almost is the key word, Doug. Punt this, asshole.

I'm back and better than ever

Maggies and Gentlemen,

I'm back on the scene. I know that I have been gone for awhile, so put down the tissues and get ready to be slightly offended (just enough to make you laugh uncomfortably). Actually, this may not offend that many people because I would like to make fun of nerds. (a nnnnyerd)
Oh, the glorious pastie, fat, pimply, yet somehow better than you nerd.
Today I am driving to work and some crazy asshole throws the blinker on and swerves into my lane, cutting me off. (cutters) Then, get this, SLOWS DOWN TO THE SAME SPEED AS THE GUY IN THE OTHER LANE. Oh dear Lord, I hate this guy and everything he stands for or pretends to believe in. Here is the breakdown of why I hate this fat assmonkey.
License Plate : BDGAMER (board gamer)
Bumper Sticker: Board Games Bring People Together. At least some of us.
Halitosis : Severe
Weight : One million metric tons
Car : Prius
Sex Life : Right Handed
Ability to impress others: none
Chances of survival in the wild: zero

Now the baby's upset. So this jerk has cut me off, granted I was speeding, and is now blocking me from moving forward. Then I see the other guy. Holy crap:
License Plate : DNDMSTR (D&D Master)
Bumper Sticker: Nerds make the world wide web go-round.
Halitosis : Moderate to Severe
Weight : A single metric ton
Car : Subaru Fiero? (the camaro one)
Sex Life : ambidextrous (makes him a real playa in Nerdville)
Ability to impress others: none
Chances of survival in the wild: one

So I politely blast my horn and start screaming obscenities at the top of my lungs. Now, normally I would start swerving erratically and flashing my lights, but BDGAMER slows down and gets in the right lane. He looks over to me as I pass him and mouths, "Fuck you meathead" or butthead.
Now here's the thing kiddos, what really pissed me off, was that he cut me off and yet is somehow taking the moral high ground because I "bullied" him with my horn. Here's an idea.....Learn How To F'ing Drive like a man. We are not riding chariots through the World of Warcraft shooting arrows at Orcs and Goblins, or playing tummy sticks with Harry Potter, we are driving at seventy miles an hour in a REAL car on a REAL road when I am REALLY late to my REAL job so I can afford my lovely REAL girlfriend and her REAL shopping issues. Just because you can still do long division, still remember your homeroom teacher, still have your yearbook next to your bed, and can beat me in a board game by casting imaginary spells, does NOT make you a better person than me. Okay, so some jerk took your lunch money, sorry, wasn't me. I would have, but it wasn't me. So take the Hillary 08 and Drive Green bumper stickers off your car, take a shower, throw the games in the garbage and do what normal losers do. Go to a bar alone, drink alone, and go home alone. Take you're better-than-you-because-I-am-smart-and-drive-a-Prius-and-like-dudes attitude and stick it up your ass. Nerds will inherit the earth? No, Bill Gates did, Steve Jobs did, You Did Not.