Monday, March 17, 2008

Dr. S's Generic Bracket Breakdown

(Note from Doug: I love the NCAA tournament, it's great and it's fun but there is one thing I f*cking hate about it: All the generic, assembly-line articles that hack writers write this week. It's really pretty terrible so instead of spending your time clicking through dozens of articles, why don't you read this one: its an amalgamation of all the crappy articles that are written every March about the tournament by Freglomerica's resident sports columnist, Dr. S.)

Last night the brackets were revealed and you all know what that means? Yes, March Madness! Whoa! Yeah! This is the GREATEST EVENT EVER. I know i just wrote that the Super Bowl is the GREATEST EVENT EVER just six weeks ago but that was then, this is March and its time for Madness. All you crazy cats out there will probably spend more time filling out your brackets this week than working. Ha ha ha, that's awesome. Work sucks. Although no matter how long you spend on your bracket you're going to end up losing to some chick in accounting who chose teams based on retarded girl-logic. That's OK, dude-bro. Here's my handy guide to filling out your bracket:

1. Choose based on mascots- Have you ever been trying to pick a winner in a sporting event and thought to yourself, "How can I make this pick while at the same time be as cool as that tool from Not Another Teen Movie?" Then this strategy is for you. Would a Wildcat beat a Golden Eagle? How about a Wildcat against a Mountaineer? Could a Bull Dog best a Jaguar? Bull Dog beat a Duck? Bull Dog top a Hill Topper? Bull Dog or Musketeer? What the hell happens when a Bull Dog goes after a Wildcat? Choose this method if you want to let everyone know how cool, funny, and unique you are. But first answer me this: What the heck is a Torero? (You see what I did there? Its an obscure, bizarre mascot and I asked you what it is because its funny. It would have been a lot better if Vermont made the BIG DANCE because that joke works waaaay better with Catamount.)

2. The less you know the better- Sometimes too much knowledge is a bad thing. Just look at the cute secretary who wins the pool every year. So my advice to you is to don't read anything about the BIG DANCE (including this column). In fact it would be best if you didn't even know who was in the BIG DANCE. So what if you might choose Final Four teams who only won 10 games all year and are not in the tournament, you'll still be light years ahead of those suckers who did research and made their picks based on information. As we well know, knowledge is dumb, why else would the bosses' 11-year-old daughter win every year (In case you you couldn't tell I get paid based on how many references I make towards a no-nothing female winning office pools).

3. Choose based on schools Web site- Cruise around the net, bro, and check out all the schools Interweb sites. If their site is lame than their team is probably lame. If their sites are cool like me then their team is probably full of cool players. Also the more prominently the BIG DANCE is mentioned on their home page the worse the team will do. That is why I'm choosing Cornell to win it all. They don't even have an "Athletics" link on their site. Radical! (This theory may not be so great because I haven't heard it beat to death by all my fellow hack writers/broadcasters so proceed with caution otherwise you'll lose to that PR rep who knows nothing about basketball and may, in fact, be legally retarded).

Those are my pointers for filling out your brackets. Best of luck during the GREATEST EVENT EVER even though no matter what you do you're going to lose to the part-time secretary who's never seen a basketball game in her life. Smell ya later! -Dr. S.

Oh wait a sec, I didn't get my commission for joking about how great office pools are, here it is: I love office pools especially if there's a high dive. Zing!

(Note from Doug: This was our 100th post on Freglomerica. Celebration to follow shortly.)


dog stealing roomate G said...
look at that website...
fear the mighty penguin...

Doug the Punter said...

Dr. S says: Excellent find; I just penciled in Youngstown State for the BCS championship