Friday, December 28, 2007

Ted's New Job

Looks like this article dashes Ted's hopes of playing in the NHL.

P.S. I had no idea you could use the word "Pussy" in the Wall Street Journal.

Wednesday, December 26, 2007

Todd Collins Safari Planet!!!

That white man looks like a quarterback. I want to see that man throw some footballs. Yes, ladies and gents, the freakin' Redskins have a shot at the playoffs. And they are NINE point underdogs agains those that shall not be named. It's no F U road show, but it works for me. Be back later.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

From a chain e-mail.

I didn't write this.
-Ted
A man whose family was German aristocracy prior to World War Two owned a number of large industries and estates. When asked how many German people were true Nazis, the answer he gave can guide our attitude toward fanaticism.

"Very few people were true Nazis "he said," but many enjoyed the return of German pride, and many more were too busy to care. I was one of those who just thought the Nazis were a bunch of fools. So, the majority just sat back and let it all happen. Then, before we knew it, they owned us, and we had lost control, and the end of the world had come. My family lost everything. I ended up in a concentration camp and the Allies destroyed my factories."

We are told again and again by "experts" and "talking heads" that Islam is the religion of peace, and that the vast majority of Muslims just want to live in peace.

Although this unqualified assertion may be true, it is entirely irrelevant. It is meaningless fluff, meant to make us feel better, and meant to somehow diminish the specter of fanatics rampaging across the globe in the name of Islam. The fact is that the fanatics rule Islam at this moment in history.

It is the fanatics who march. It is the fanatics who wage any one of 50 shooting wars worldwide. It is the fanatics who systematically slaughter Christian or tribal groups throughout Africa and are gradually taking over the entire continent in an Islamic wave. It is the fanatics who bomb, behead, murder, or honor kill. It is the fanatics who take over mosque after mosque. It is the fanatics who zealously spread the stoning and hanging of rape victims and homosexuals. The hard quantifiable fact is that the "peaceful majority" the "silent majority" is cowed and extraneous.

Communist Russia comprised Russians who just wanted to live in peace, yet the Russian Communists were responsible for the murder of about 20 million people. The peaceful majority were irrelevant. China's huge population was peaceful as well, but Chinese Communists managed to kill a staggering 70 million people.

The average Japanese individual prior to World War 2 was not a War mongering sadist. Yet, Japan murdered and slaughtered its way across South East Asia in an orgy of killing that included the systematic murder of 12 million Chinese civilians; most killed by sword, shovel and bayonet.

And, who can forget Rwanda , which collapsed into butchery. Could it not be said that the majority of Rwandans were "peace loving"?

History lessons are often incredibly simple and blunt, yet for all our powers of reason we often miss the most basic and uncomplicated of points: Peace-loving Muslims have been made irrelevant by their silence.

Peace-loving Muslims will become our enemy if they don't speak up, because like my friend from Germany , they will awake one day and find that the fanatics own them, and the end of their world will have begun.

Peace-loving Germans, Japanese, Chinese, Russians, Rwandans, Serbs, Afghans, Iraqis, Palestinians, Somalis, Nigerians, Algerians, and many others have died because the peaceful majority did not speak up until it was too late.

As for us who watch it all unfold; we must pay attention to the only group that counts; the fanatics who threaten our way of life.

Tuesday, December 18, 2007



That's a Doug the Punter original piece of artwork

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Snow Day Bitches

I went to a boarding school and then to a college in Virginia so I haven't had a snow day in nearly a decade and, barring some miraculous heat wave, I should get a half one today. I am freaking pumped. Thank you mother nature for this storm that threatens to clog highways, kill people, and freeze hobos across New England. (The Frozen Hobos would be a great name for a band, by the way). My personal happiness is much more important than some dead transients. I can't wait to go home and do absolutely nothing.

S-N-O-W D-A-Y. Snow Day, Bitches.

P.S. Back with more Real World tomorrow.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Company Christmas Parties

So.....you ever go to your company Christmas party and get drunk? Have you ever not been sure whether or not you made an ass out of yourself? I'll let you know tomorrow fuckers...
This was me.

When all else fails, ride your cooler home.


I don't have enough time right now to do this justice. So look and imagine I said something funny about rednecks. And cutters...

Tuesday, December 11, 2007

Look at that monkey run! Part Duex

The owner of the Falcons, who suck because they can't beat the Ain'ts sans Reginald H.W. Bush, let a racist comment slip out last night during an interview with those morons and Kornhieser. Watch this, it's short.
The beauty of the whole thing is the subtle reaction from the other guys in the box. For the rest of the interview, which was an obvious public relations move resulting from the Vick sentencing, everytime that they asked him a question they would "let him think about that one before" he answered. You can do all the talking you want about how your young team is going to do well next year, but if you don't have the foresight not to warn a black quarterback not to "eat fried chicken and french fries" in jail, you have bigger catfish to fry. At least Cosell had street cred. Good job cracka ass cracka.

Step one: Put Cat in Wok


mmm mmm chinese food....

Monday, December 10, 2007

Sandwich for the ages.


Everyone has a thing that they do to make themselves feel better. Some people work out, some listen to music, some people cut themselves. Well, for me personally, it has to be something a little more internal. Literally. I go for a sandwich. My never fail option for gluttonous, self-serving glory. It takes a little from each of the previous three options, it's a workout to get the whole thing down in less than a minute, I hum while a chew(or swallow whole) and it hurts my stomach(cutters.) I would like everyone to see the sandwich that got me through last Thursdays debacle at work. (I can't get into what happened at work, but I will say that it sent me on a murderous rampage of sandwich eating that started with this picture and ended with a Subway Feast at ten PM.) Enjoy.

Thursday, December 6, 2007

Now the baby's upset.


A little reminder for those of you who piss me off. Print it and post it.

Local Man Bored at Work


WATERBURY, CT- An area man working for an accounting firm has officially become bored.

Doug Sweeney, a recent college graduate, spent much of the morning browsing around his favorite Websites in lieu of checking invoices for accounts receivable but in doing so inadvertently read every article he was interested in by 1 p.m. leaving him four hours of time to kill.

"I spent about an hour this morning checking those invoices but I got tired of that pretty quickly so I figured I would cruise the Web. Little did I know that by early afternoon I would run out of internet," said the visibly-bored 22-year-old.

Sweeney claims to have visited a wide variety of sites, ranging from ESPN to the Drudge Report, and absorbed every worthwhile piece of content available. He also spent about 45 minutes updating his fantasy football and basketball teams.

Sweeney, who also works as a part-time writer, says his work day may have climaxed while contemplating a trade proposal for his fantasy basketball team, Tru Warier. "Yeah, that was definitely a fun 10 minutes there," said a wistful Sweeney.

After his exhilarating foray into the world of fantasy sports Sweeney said he read some blogs that he frequents but there wasn't a whole lot of new content so he went back to to ESPN.com. "I saw that there was a new article on Page 2 so I was excited to check it out but it turned out to be something about how great the [expletive deleted] Steelers are. [Forget] that."

Now Sweeney faces the dilemma of not knowing where to find anything interesting on the internet and might have to face doing actual work.

"It'll be a cold day in hell before I check those invoices," remarked a defiant Sweeney. "I'll figure something out. I may just break my self-imposed rule of not going to addictinggames.com before four and play some Shuffle Challenge."

The decision to once again play Shuffle Challenge, a type of Japanese marble strategy game, was a stunning reversal for the man who just yesterday, after repeatedly failing on a certain level, exclaimed, "This [expletive deleted] game is [expletive deleted] rigged," and threw his mouse in disgust.

Sweeney would not indicate what his specific plans for making it through tomorrow would be, he instead told this reporter to refer to the "Friday" entry of his self-made pamphlet "Doug's Rules and Regulations for a Motions Work Week." That particular entry states, "Friday shall be considered part of the weekend. The worker shall arrive at work physically but remain home in bed mentally as he daydreams about the coming days. No work shall be done voluntarily."

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

Joba Chamberlain Likes Dudes

Buster Olney just wrote this article about Yankees pitcher Joba Chamberlain. It pretty much focuses on how he text messages all the time and his affinity for faggily using exclamation points! all! the! time! Thank God this wasn't about Clay Buchholz or something because this is almost as bad as the train conductor hat. Actually its worse. Who wants the pitcher their franchise is pinning their hopes on for the next decade to come out with something like this? Is he a stud pitcher or a middle school girl? OMG, JOBA, U R A LOSER.

Whats Up with this Headline?

As you may or may not know I write sports capsules for a Website called Newser.com (I post links to my articles on the sidebar every Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday morning). It's an alright gig but sometimes I look at the stories or headlines other people write and I'm like, "do these people even have a clue." I was able to brush it off for a while until this morning when I saw this article. For those of you that are too lazy to click on the link the story is about Brett Favre winning SI's Sportsman of the Year and the headline proclaims, "Favre Nails Sportsman of Year." Am I wrong to think that that headline sounds like Favre had sex with the sportsman of the year? I just have never heard the verb "to nail" used in place of "win" or "gets." I guess it can be used to say someone got something correct like, "I nailed that quiz," but outside of that the only other acceptable uses of nail are hitting shit with a hammer and banging someone. Its enough that we have to hear about every sportscasters' homo-erotic crush on Favre, so I don't want to hear about Favre's gay affair with Dwyane Wade.

Tuesday, December 4, 2007

The Roadshow Keeps Rolling...


P.S. Everyone looks gay in a cowboy hat. Unless, of course, you really are a cowboy.

Don't stop....the Ravens!!!

Tom "i look gay in a cowboy hat" Brady you slippery MF'r. Just because my girlfriend loves you more than me DOES NOT mean that you are supposed get ridiculous 4th down and goal penalty calls. I don't expect anything less from your zombie-like fans then start throwing the ticker tape and firing up the Dick, uh-hum, Duckboats because you yet again scored the winning touchdown in the fourth quarter, leaving your team lacking a loss. But not I. No sir, not I. You almost lost to Philly, you almost lost to Ballmerr (that's how they say it.) I know almost is the key word, Doug. Punt this, asshole.


Friday, November 30, 2007

Rock and Roll Can Never Die...

In a further attempt to be an old man while actually being a 22 year-0ld I am attending some pretty sweet concerts this weekend featuring some old, drugged out rock and roll legends.

Saturday night- Jethro Tull at the Oakdale in Wallingford, CT

Sunday night- Neil Young at the Orpheum in Boston

Have some sweet videos

Jethro Tull- A Song for Jeffrey



Neil Young (with Crosby, Stills, and Nash)- Down by the River



Here is what these guys looked like in their prime, hopefully they won't be too fat/bald/old but whatever.

Aftermath from Celtics Prison Rape of Knicks

Wow. I can't even begin to describe what happened last night in the Celtics 104-59 destruction of the Knicks. It was unbelievable. I think New York had more airballs than made field goals. I was obviously happy that the Celtics won but as a "supporter with an emotional attachment" to the Knicks I was disappointed (especially because I had Z-Bo and Eddy Curry in fantasy and they went like 3-of-62 from the field).

Also, tonight I have an interesting decision: the C's are on ESPN at Miami and the Knicks are home against a surprisingly good Bucks team. I think the C's game will be close but there is a 25% chance Isiah is immediately fired after the game or a Knick walks off the floor during play. I think I'll just flip back and forth (unless, of course, Gus Johnson and Clyde are calling the NYK game).

Anyway let's see how my predictions for last night held up:

Total Score
Predicted: Boston 104 New York 86
Actual: Boston 104 New York 59

Well I hit the C's score right on the head. That has to be worth something, right? I don't think there is anyone in the world who could have predicted that type of offensive (and offensive) let down from the Knicks. (NO CHECK.)

Stats- (predicted in italics, actual in bold)

OK, I think I did a pretty decent job considering that the starters played like 20 minutes and not at all in the fourth.

Random Predictions:

-Z-Bo's lack of hustle getting back on D is obvious at least 3 times. (CHECK) He probably loafed 6-7 times and would continued to do so if not for the fact that he intentionally got in foul trouble so he wouldn't have to play anymore.

-KG grabs a billion rebounds. (CHECK) I know he only had 11 but he only played 23 minutes. If he had played his normal 35 or so he would have almost 20 ball boards.

-Marbury shoots less than 35% from the field. (CHECK). Starbury was 2-of-6 (33%) from the floor.

-Isiah has that puzzled smirk on his face midway through the 2nd quarter. (NO CHECK) It happened about 4 minutes into the first quarter.

-There is no way the Celtics lose. Put every cent you have on C's -12.5. (CHECK) Man, I should've really put some money on this game. I hope someone out there did.

Oh and take the over (208) in the Houston-Golden State game. (NO CHECK) Damn it was real close though 113-94 (207). Some books did have it at 207 so maybe you got lucky and pushed.

Well, I think I did alright overall considering the circumstances. I bet the Knicks feel like they need a shower right now.




Thursday, November 29, 2007

New York-Boston Preview

Knicks at Celtics

Words can't describe how incredibly excited I am for tonights Knicks at Celtics game. I am a huge C's fan but I don't get their games every night so I watch the Knicks on MSG and I have become, well, fan is too strong a word so I'll go with: supporter who is emotionally invested in the team. Now as a Boston fan I suppose I should hate all New York teams but I can't hate the Knicks for several reasons:

-Los Angeles is the Celtics true rival so they are the team I hate (until Kobe and Rhodey Alum Lamar Odom leave)

-The Knicks are a virtual non-threat to the Celtics this year.

-Walt "Clyde" Frazier does the teams announcing and I get giddy every time I see/hear him. If you don't know who Clyde is then A) kill yourself and B) keep reading because I'll elaborate on this later.

ANYWAY what better way to commemorate this historic (and by historic I mean first of four games this season) event by writing an excessively long preview of the game, complete with full projected stats and other random predictions. We'll start first with a breakdown of each team's roster, player by player, in reverse order of importance. (Note: this is probably going to be unwieldy and very amatuerish so don't expect Shakespeare).

The Visiting New York Knicks: (parenthesis indicate experience)

15. Wilson Chandler-F- 6-8, 220, DePaul (R)

An athletic forward who has played only about 20 minutes this year. According to ESPN's Jon Hollinger he plays pretty much like fellow Knick Renaldo Balkman. Do not expect to see him tonight.

14. Jerome James-C- 7-1, 285, Florida A&M (7)

I don't think this fatso has played all year. Here's Hollinger's take: "Big Macs: $7.64. French Fries: $1.83. Slurpee: $4.29. Getting paid $30 million on the basis of four good playoff games: Priceless. James remains the shining symbol of the waste and excess of the Isiah Thomas era in New York, fading further out of the rotation while appearing utterly content to cash checks at the end of the Knicks' bench." FAT PEOPLE!

13. Randolph Morris-C- 6-11, 260, Kentucky (1)

Actually he probably should be the bottom man on this list but I don't feel like moving everything around. He's played 5 minutes total this season. When the time it takes you to jerk off is greater than the total number of minutes a basketball player has played all year that tells you that they probably won't see the floor. I put in that off-color joke because I am 100% sure that no one is reading this. Cock! Balls! Seriously I will mail the first person to comment on this post a dollar. No joke. (good through Friday at 5)

12. Malik Rose-F- 6-7, 255 Drexel (11)

Umm... He's averaging about 1 point and 1 rebound per game. He's a pretty tough defender who is a major liability on the offensive end of the floor.

11. Jared Jefferies-F- 6-11, 240, Indiana (5)

Jefferies missed the first part of the season with a knee injury but has played decent as off late. He comes in every now and then to spell the bigs. Bonus points because I think his Indiana team beat Duke in the tournament a couple of years ago.

10. Mardy Collins-G- 6-6, 215, Temple (1)

Collins started a couple games at point when Marbury went Dave Chappelle on his team. However, instead of making the most of the situation he got hurt and hasn't played much since. He's a pretty strong guy for a guard so he rebounds well.

9. Fred Jones-G- 6-2, 225, Oregon (5)

The former slam-dunk champion joined the Knicks this offseason. He is very athletic and can score but is a poor shooter. As Jon Hollinger points out he had the worst non-layup 2-point FG% of anyone in the league last year.

8. Renaldo Balkman-F- 6-8, 208 South Carolina (1)

Balkman is a high-energy player who can be a defensive stopper for the Knicks. He annoyed the crap out of 'Melo when the two teams squared off earlier this year and was big reason for the NY victory. He has recently missed a couple games with an ankle injury but is back, providing Isiah with good defender/rebounder.

7. Nate Robinson-G- 5-9, 180 Washington (2)

Nasty Nate stole the slam dunk contest from Andre Iguodala a couple years back and hasn't done much since besides tackle J.R. Smith into the stands. Nate is lightning-quick and has a decent outside shot. He is one of the Knicks top scorers on a per minute basis. He backs up Marbury at the point and should receive some decent minutes tonight. Just for the hell of it here's the video of him rejecting Yao last year:



6. David Lee-F- 6-9, 240, Florida (2)

David Lee became the white Paul Millsap after Millsap out hustled him in last week's NYK-Jazz game. However that rarely happens. David Lee tries so hard all the time he's going to have a heart attack by the time he is 30. Lee is a terrific rebounder, especially on the offensive glass, who cleans up a lot of the Knicks garbage. I saw him take an outside jumper just once. As is expected he is not very athletic so he isn't a great defender but it is entertaining to see him play every minute of every game like its Game 7 of the Finals, especially compared to Easy Eddy Curry.

5. Quentin Richardson-F- 6-6, 235, DePaul (7)

Q-Rich is a pretty good player, when he's on a good team, but he isn't. He's pretty boring to me for some reason so I'm just going to quote Hollinger on this one: "Richardson is one of the league's strongest wing players, and a very good leaper when he can power up off two feet. Those factors make him an outstanding rebounder for his size, so even though he's 6-5 he can overpower other wings under the basket. He's also a strong post player, though the Knicks haven't indulged this facet of his game since they don't really need another guy on the blocks."

4. Jamal Crawford-G- 6-5, 200, Michigan (7)

Jamal genuinely tries hard, I think, so that makes him different than most of his teammates. He is a good outside shooter who can catch fire, as evidenced by his 52 point game last year. He is a good ball-handler (haha) and can slash to the basket, but doesn't very often. Hollinger said something about poor shot selection but whatever, I'm moving on.

3. Eddy Curry-C- 6-11, unquantifiable, Thornwood HS (IL) (6)

Eddy is a large man. That being said he is a killer scorer in the low post but does little else. He doesn't pass, rebound, or block shots. He rarely hustles and stinks at the line. When he wants to play hard he can be very good but he usually is content to score 18 points using his baby hook shot. He came in this year a little slimmer and has turned in two very-quality, high-effort games this year against the Nuggets and the Jazz (coincidentally, or not so coincidentally, those were Knick wins at MSG). If Curry hustles and stays out of foul trouble he can be a surprisingly good player.

2. Zach Randolph-F- 6-9, 260, Michigan St. (6)

Z-Bo was acquired for cents on the dollar this offseason from Portland because the Blazers didn't want him withing 100 miles of Greg Oden. He has struggled off the court with some legal issues but he can be a killer when his head is on straight. Z-Bo is a great rebounder who has a very good low-post game but also has range out to 20 feet which makes him hard for typical big men to defend. He can also create of the dribble. However he is a total non-factor defensively, other than rebounding. This is shown in his grand total of 1 (one) blocked shot this year, which is pretty impressive. Zach missed 3 games earlier this year because of the death of his beloved grandmother.

1. Stephon Marbury-G- 6-2, 205, Georgia Tech (11)

This Coney Island native has been an enigma wrapped in a paradox, shrouded in a mystery his entire career but especially this season. He left the team for a game this year because he reportedly got into a fight with Isiah over playing time. He has a big ego and is a large part of the reason the Knicks struggle with chemistry. That being said, I am a huge Starbury apologist and I think he is misunderstood. If you don't think so read this NY Times article about what he was doing back in NYC after he left the Knicks. On the floor Marbury is still very talented. He can shoot, create of the dribble, and pass but he has been affected with the defensive malaise from which the rest of the team suffers. He has stepped up his defense since returning to the team. He is #1 on this list because if Steph is playing well and hustling on defense they can be very good but when he isn't watch out, they stink. Note: this game is a semi-reunion with former teammate KG.

The Homestanding Boston Celtics:

14. Brandon Wallace-F- 6-9, 203, South Carolina (R)

The new employee # 8. I'm pretty sure he's in the D-League right meow.

13. Gabe Pruitt-G- 6-4, 170, USC (R)

Pruitt could be in the D-League too but I'm too lazy to check. Oh wait, he just got called back to the team. Just in time too. It was a shaky couple weeks without the third-string, rookie, rail-thin point guard.

12. Scott Pollard-C- 6-11, 268, Kansas (10)

Scotty is rocking a mountain man look that only Mumphis' Pau Gasol can rival. Otherwise Pollard brings little else to the table. He is brought in by Doc to goon it up and spell Perk or KG so they don't get in foul trouble. Bonus points for mouthing "hey kids, do drugs" into a TV camera during a telecast while with Cleveland.

11. Leon Powe-F- 6-8, 240, California (1)

Why couldn't the Celtics keep Ryan Gomes!?! Now we're stuck with this undersized power forward who brings little else besides rebounding and athleticism to the table. Here's another free dollar opportunity (good through Friday at 5). Thats two dollars total!! (one dollar per person max though)

10. Big Baby Davis-F- 6-9, unquantifiable, LSU (R)

BIG BABY! There is no other player I enjoy watching play more than Big Baby. He is 100% entertaining all the time, even when he plays poorly. Why won't Doc play him more. Oh well, Glen brings energy, decent scoring and rebounding to the table along with tons of hilarity. I am very, very excited to see him attempt to guard Eddy Curry. The parquet floor may collapse.

9. Brian Scalabrine-F- g-9, 235, Ginger U. (6)

Scal leads the C's in Tommy Points. He can shoot decently from the outside and does everything else OK with the exception of looking cool because he certainly does not. You know how Larry Bird said he was insulted when he was defended by a white guy, well I think I would be offended if Scalbrine guarded me in a pick up game.

8. Tony Allen-G- 6-4, 213, Oklahoma St. (3)

Tony Allen has dropjaw athleticism and can be a real pain to opposing players. He tore two knee ligaments last year dunking the ball after the whistle was blown. Here's Hollinger's take: "Allen is basically a 6-4 version of Charlotte's Gerald Wallace. He's a potent slasher who can get to the rim thanks to a zippy first step, and he's a thunderous finisher in transition. He can't shoot at all -- he made only nine long 2-pointers on the year -- but he makes free throws and generated a lot of shots even though defenders played way off him." He's questionable for tonights game.

7. Eddie House-G- 6-1, 175, Arizona St. (7)

Eddie is a terrific, albeit, streaky three point shooter who can catch fire. He serves as the teams back up point guard, kind of. He is a poor defender so when his shots aren't going down there is little reason for Doc to keep him on the floor.

6. James Posey-F- 6-8, 217, Xavier (8)

Umm.... Posey is the Celtics best perimeter defender and can shoot from the outside. Here's Hollinger: "Once upon a time Posey was a strong finisher in transition, but increasingly he's relied on spotting up on the wings for 3s for the bulk of his offense, to the point that he's pretty much one-dimensional these days. Don't expect him to put the ball on the floor, but that's OK -- he's not a good ballhandler anyway. He'll get some scraps on putbacks, as he's become an increasingly active rebounder in recent seasons. Posey's defense is better than his offense. He's active in passing lanes and at 6-8 can use his length to bother shooters. However, he defends the 3 much better than the 2, as quicker wings tend to blow by him off the dribble."

5. Kendrick Perkins-C- 6-10, 264, Clifton J. Ozen HS (TX) (4)

Perk has been thrust from relative obscurity to a major part of one the NBA's elite teams. He isn't a great scorer but rebounds well and plays hard on D. I like this excerpt from Hollinger a lot: "Perkins stayed in the lineup [last year] primarily because of his post defense. A bruising, physical defender with a warrior mentality, he makes up for a lack of height at the center position because of his wide body and intensity." If anything he is more intense this year, he has to be other wise KG would rip his heart out at midcourt.

4. Rajon Rondo-G- 6-1, 171, Kentucky (1)

Rondo is fast as lightning and is a good perimeter defender who forces a lot of turnovers. He can get to the rim at will but seems to have his shot blocked every time he gets there. He also is not good at shooting the ball. I have no idea why he was allowed to shoot in overtime against Cleveland. I don't think anyone does.

1.A. Ray Allen-G- 6-5, 205, Connecticut (11)

I can't say enough about Jesus Shuttlesworth I really can't. He has the sweetest jump shot in the NBA and is surprisingly capable off the dribble. He can finish with gusto as well. I'm still wondering how he missed those two free throws against the Cleve. He has hit two buzzer beaters already this year so I can't be too upset. DAGGER!



1.B. Paul Pierce-G/F- 6-7, 235, Kansas (9)

Paul is hardcore, he's been stabbed. He is a terrific scorer who can score from anywhere, deep, mid range, even in the low post. (If you couldn't tell that I'm running out of gas then you have serious mental problems).

1.C. Kevin Garnett-F- 6-11, 220, Farragut Academy HS (IL) (12)

I am seriously frightened of this man. He has been an absolute beast this year although I was surprised to find out that so much of his offense relies on his jump shot.


Predictions (besides pain)
Boston 104 New York 86

Projected Stats-
New York Rebs. Asst. Stl. Blk. Pts.
Starbury 4 6 1 0 14
Crawford 3 4 2 0 16
Q-Rich 6 3 1 0 9
Z-Bo 11 1 1 0 19
Curry 6 0 0 1 14






Boston Rebs. Asst. Stl. Blk. Pts.
Rondo 2 8 3 0 9
Jesus 3 4 2 0 17
The Truth 5 5 2 0 24
The Big Ticket 17 3 1 2 25
Perk 9 1 0 1 12

Other Random Predictions:

-Z-Bo's lack of hustle getting back on D is obvious at least 3 times.

-KG grabs a billion rebounds

-Marbury shoots less than 35% from the field

-Isiah has that puzzled smirk on his face midway through the 2nd quarter.

-There is no way the Celtics lose. Put every cent you have on C's -12.5. Oh and take the over (208) in the Houston-Golden State game.

Bonus Stats:

W-L PF PA HOME ROAD STK L10
NY 4-9 95.8 102.3 4-3 0-6 W2 2-8
BOS 11-2 102.8 91.2 7-0 4-2 L1 8-2


I know I never got to Clyde, I will soon but I don't have the energy to do him justice.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

I'm back and better than ever

Maggies and Gentlemen,

I'm back on the scene. I know that I have been gone for awhile, so put down the tissues and get ready to be slightly offended (just enough to make you laugh uncomfortably). Actually, this may not offend that many people because I would like to make fun of nerds. (a nnnnyerd)
Oh, the glorious pastie, fat, pimply, yet somehow better than you nerd.
Today I am driving to work and some crazy asshole throws the blinker on and swerves into my lane, cutting me off. (cutters) Then, get this, SLOWS DOWN TO THE SAME SPEED AS THE GUY IN THE OTHER LANE. Oh dear Lord, I hate this guy and everything he stands for or pretends to believe in. Here is the breakdown of why I hate this fat assmonkey.
License Plate : BDGAMER (board gamer)
Bumper Sticker: Board Games Bring People Together. At least some of us.
Halitosis : Severe
Weight : One million metric tons
Car : Prius
Sex Life : Right Handed
Ability to impress others: none
Chances of survival in the wild: zero

Now the baby's upset. So this jerk has cut me off, granted I was speeding, and is now blocking me from moving forward. Then I see the other guy. Holy crap:
License Plate : DNDMSTR (D&D Master)
Bumper Sticker: Nerds make the world wide web go-round.
Halitosis : Moderate to Severe
Weight : A single metric ton
Car : Subaru Fiero? (the camaro one)
Sex Life : ambidextrous (makes him a real playa in Nerdville)
Ability to impress others: none
Chances of survival in the wild: one

So I politely blast my horn and start screaming obscenities at the top of my lungs. Now, normally I would start swerving erratically and flashing my lights, but BDGAMER slows down and gets in the right lane. He looks over to me as I pass him and mouths, "Fuck you meathead" or butthead.
Now here's the thing kiddos, what really pissed me off, was that he cut me off and yet is somehow taking the moral high ground because I "bullied" him with my horn. Here's an idea.....Learn How To F'ing Drive like a man. We are not riding chariots through the World of Warcraft shooting arrows at Orcs and Goblins, or playing tummy sticks with Harry Potter, we are driving at seventy miles an hour in a REAL car on a REAL road when I am REALLY late to my REAL job so I can afford my lovely REAL girlfriend and her REAL shopping issues. Just because you can still do long division, still remember your homeroom teacher, still have your yearbook next to your bed, and can beat me in a board game by casting imaginary spells, does NOT make you a better person than me. Okay, so some jerk took your lunch money, sorry, wasn't me. I would have, but it wasn't me. So take the Hillary 08 and Drive Green bumper stickers off your car, take a shower, throw the games in the garbage and do what normal losers do. Go to a bar alone, drink alone, and go home alone. Take you're better-than-you-because-I-am-smart-and-drive-a-Prius-and-like-dudes attitude and stick it up your ass. Nerds will inherit the earth? No, Bill Gates did, Steve Jobs did, You Did Not.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

SHOCK: Queer Train Conductor Hat Spreads to Pedroia; Apocalypse Imminent

With all the hoopla and fanfare surrounding Boston sports right meow the larger story has been lost. Mainly, Junior Seau's refusal to stop wearing his gay train conductor hat even though it is wildly embarrassing to all fans of the Patriots. Maybe, just maybe it's a good luck charm and the reason for the Pats recent success but is looking like a gay train conductor worth it? I answer a resounding NO to this question. Now I'm not saying I would rather have him wear a normal hat in lieu of being undefeated but... wait that is exactly what I am saying. There's no way the gay conductor hat is so lucky that the Pats couldn't be 8-1 or at least 7-2 without it. For me seeing an athlete on my favorite team wearing that hat is as mentally damaging as losing a couple of games, probably more so. Observe the following hypothetical conversation:

Me: The Pats are unstoppable.
Jets Fan: Yeah but your middle linebacker masquerades as a gay train conductor and drives the Gay Train to Gayville.
Me: You mean the Randall Gay Train?
Jets Fan: What? ... I like dudes.

See? This is what I am talking about. Being the genius that he is Belichick should have nipped this thing in the bud from the beginning and put a clause in his contract specifically banning gay train conductor hats.

Unfortunately the problem is spreading. Yes, friends, newly-crowned AL Rookie of the Year Dustin Pedroia was spotted wearing a gay train conductor hat. This thing has got to stop, NOW! At least Seau is going to retire after this year but Pedroia could be rocking his gay train conductor hat for the next decade. I am not ready for this. Honestly I think the only right thing to do is trade Pedroia while his stock is high and before other fan bases see him wearing his gay train conductor hat and public outcry blocks any possible deal. I'm not sure who the Sox could get back for him but as long as he hits .250 and refrains from wearing hats that send ambiguous sexual messages I'll be fine. We must put an end to this before I see Ray Allen wearing one and kill myself (seriously I will, no joke). (I have no fear of this phenomenon spreading to the Bruins because if one hockey player saw another wearing such a ridiculous hat they would put him in traction).

Note: The reason I dislike those hats so much is not that they are really fruity but because they are an embarrassment. Everytime I see Seau (and now Pedroia) wearing that hat I just shake my head and think to myself, "What or who gave you the impression that that hat is OK?"

Tuesday, November 13, 2007

Reason # 11,397 Why I Hate the Sports Media

Here's a link to the article that caused me to hurl a stapler across the office and subsequently forced me to attend an anger management along with my sensitivity class.

If your too lazy to read it or if you fear that you might also lodge an office supply in the ugly intern's forehead let me summarize it for you: "I'm Dr. Z, I like little boys, I want to suck off Peyton Manning on national television." That's about it. He argues that Manning's six (SIX!, 6!) interception performance was one of his best games ever because his receiving corp was so depleted. Those receivers were not that much worse than what Brady was working with from 2001-2005 and a hell of a lot better than the one's he had last year. Reggie Wayne would be the best receiver Brady every played with before this year, better than Branch and light-years ahead of Reche Caldwell. And I'm pretty sure the quarterback needs to throw the ball well before the WRs even have a chance to catch it. Manning didn't, he couldn't overcome adversity.

The Colts had so many injuries. Blah Blah Blah. Cry me a river. This is the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE every team has injuries. Z also blames the game on Vinatieri. True, he blew it but if Manning hadn't sucked so bad they wouldn't have needed that kick. He threw SIX interceptions!!!! That is the reason they lost, plain and simple. If Manning had limited his shittiness to even 3 or 4 interceptions they would have won.

Also, why isn't anyone talking about Green Bay running up the score on poor defenseless Minnesota. Up by 27 with 5 minutes to Favre thew a 20+ yard pass into the endzone, had the Vikings not sucked so bad it wouldn't have been a touchdown but still they were throwing it with a big lead in the fourth quarter. Where are the ESPN talking heads yelling about Brett Favre hates America and should be executed? When Favre throws a meaningless touchdown late the commentators say things like, "he's just out there having fun, he's a big kid," but when Brady does it they talk about it like it was a school shooting or something. Give me a break. I hate 95% of sports coverage (which is coincidentally, or perhaps not so coincidentally, about the percentage of time most major sports outlets devote to the NATIONAL FOOTBALL LEAGUE.) I hope Chris Berman chokes on a ham sandwich.

Monday, November 12, 2007

BREAKING NEWS: Red Sox Keep Winning Shit

Everyone's favorite cocky, Portuguese, undersized second baseman, Dustin Pedroia, just won the AL Rookie of the Year. I think that Terry Francona should get at least half this award. I was calling for Alex Cora (that's right, THE Alex Cora) when Dusty was hitting .182 in May. The only thing keeping him from not batting his weight was the fact that dude weighed 150 lbs soaking wet with a brick in his pocket. But Tito stuck with him and it paid off big time as the diminutive middle infielder helped the team to a World Series title. I'm sure that first-time Gold Glover Youk was also very pleased that Pedroia stuck around because I hear that Dusty is now the center of clubhouse mockery and shenanigans instead of him and his ugly, ugly face. Also it was revealed that Dusty played the last two months with a broken wrist, what a bad ass.

P.S. We scooped the shit out of ESPN on this one.

Real Men of Genius

Being Irish Catholic, I feel a responsibility to root for the Irish of Notre Dame, but this year has made me uneasy about that policy. This is a well handled insight from some Boston College fella

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

What happened to Z-Bo's Headband?

Throughout the course of the past two Knicks games Zach Randolph has shed his headband. Why? I have no clue but I do know the phenomenon spread to fellow fat, low-post sensation Eddy Curry last night. These are the questions that keep me up at night.

P.S. Those picks above are from the Minnesota game on Sunday.

Security Detail

If, and when, I'm important enough to have my own security detail, I don't see the point in having a bunch of meat heads in dark suits with stupid walkie talkies. Ninjas, brother, Ninjas. I'm not paying all that money so that you can sit around wondering which monkey is security and which monkey is just wearing a suit and has an affinity for steroids. No! I want people to fear my security detail. I want F'ing Ninjas.

Imagine, you're out on the town and you get to a club, you're in line, and a limo pulls up. It's someone important, they have security with them. I get out of the limo, you run up for an autograph and are SWARMED by ten or fifteen sword-brandishing ninjas. Now that's frightening. Forget guns and shit, I want steel, stealth, and super-ninjistics.

There are other great uses for ninja security details. Mainly, the somewhat egregious use of smoke bombs. If you say something really awkward and need an out, SNAP, ninjas descend from the heavens, hurling magic smoke bombs that swiftly engulf you in a glorious cloud of invisibility. Poof, you're gone. Patrons are flabbergasted as to how you were able to disappear into a cloud of smoke, leaving behind only mystery and the bar tab floating in the air. The bar tab floats down and lands on the table, promptly impaled by a throwing star with a C-Note stuck in it. Now that is bad-friggin-ass.

Tuesday, November 6, 2007

Farmers are Selfish Assholes

Daylight savings time is a crock of shit. Always has been. I know it gives you an extra hour in the fall so we get the always fun "Hour That Doesn't Count" but that isn't worth it. Now when I get out of work it's dark. Is the government trying to make me kill myself? Seriously, as if work weren't depressing enough already now when I leave it's night time so I never really get to be out in the sun. I guess this whole travishamockery was started to give the farmers extra time with their crops but I'm not buying it. What does it matter if they work from 7 a.m. to 6 p.m. instead of 6 a.m. to 5 p.m. I guess farmers are just so fucking proud of themselves they can't bear the thought being considered lazy because they screw their livestock at 7 instead of at 6 in the morning. Furthermore daylight savings time just goes to prove that time is completely artificial and we can manipulate however we want. Here's a better idea: The hours from 9 a.m. to 5 p.m. (during the week) are only 30 minutes long and 5-6 is is a 300 minute extravaganza. Now that would be one kick ass Happy Hour. Why don't we do this? It makes as much sense as moving the clocks around for the precious, precious farmers. Did you know some states don't even recognize daylight savings time? Yes, Arizona, the eastern timezone of Indiana, and Hawaii tell the government where they can shove their little clock-tampering scheme. And the final, and main, reason daylight savings time sucks is because it fucks with the clock on my computer and even though I fix it, it resets itself over night. So naturally I forget about it and then I look at the clock and it says 11 a.m. and I'm like, "sweet, this day is flying by" but then I realize that its only 10 and I am thrown into a blind rage and I punched that guy in the throat that one time and now I have to go to sensitivity training all because farmers are selfish assholes.

Friday, November 2, 2007

CELTICS! TONIGHT!

I am excited as hell to watch the Celtics tonight. It is going to be one of the defining moments of my life, with out a doubt bigger than my high school and college graduations.

Well here's a sweet video to get you pumped for the Celtics... and the weekend

My dad can kick your dads ass

Maggie and I were IM'ing headlines to eachother about violence in Massachusetts this weekend. Conversation quickly turned for the worse:

Maggie131313 (3:55:09 PM): http://www.boston.com/news/globe/city_region/breaking_news/2007/11/massive_search.html
DTMcCrann (3:55:50 PM): wow
DTMcCrann (3:58:07 PM): did you see all the other one
Maggie131313 (3:58:20 PM): to
DTMcCrann (3:58:10 PM): s
Maggie131313 (3:58:27 PM): ?
DTMcCrann (3:58:15 PM): on the left
Maggie131313 (3:58:27 PM): no
Maggie131313 (3:58:40 PM): no
DTMcCrann (3:58:56 PM): Party ended with a fight -- and a fatal gunshot
DTMcCrann (3:59:03 PM): Two dead after Worcester shooting
DTMcCrann (3:59:10 PM): Lawrence teen charged in fatal shooting
Maggie131313 (3:59:33 PM): awesome
DTMcCrann (3:59:24 PM): Salem police: stabbings and shooting unrelated to Halloween festivities
DTMcCrann (3:59:26 PM): Party ended with a fight -- and a fatal gunshot
Maggie131313 (3:59:43 PM): yes i see
DTMcCrann (3:59:33 PM): Dorchester pizza shop owner shot in head while chasing robber
DTMcCrann (3:59:38 PM): sweet state you got there
Maggie131313 (3:59:58 PM): oh shut the fuck up
DTMcCrann (3:59:48 PM): haha
DTMcCrann (3:59:54 PM): it's worse in DC
Maggie131313 (4:00:07 PM): DC is soooo classy
Maggie131313 (4:00:08 PM): NO
Maggie131313 (4:00:14 PM): i'm from cohasset
Maggie131313 (4:00:18 PM): let's get serious
DTMcCrann (4:00:06 PM): Rich bitch
DTMcCrann (4:00:13 PM): I'm from GF
DTMcCrann (4:00:26 PM): the richest town in the richest county in the country
Maggie131313 (4:00:42 PM): yeah except you moved away like 10 yrs ago....
DTMcCrann (4:00:34 PM): yeah
DTMcCrann (4:00:40 PM): well you lived in NH
DTMcCrann (4:00:43 PM): redneck
Maggie131313 (4:00:59 PM): ummm
Maggie131313 (4:01:00 PM): no i didnt
Maggie131313 (4:01:03 PM): i lived in vermont
DTMcCrann (4:00:54 PM): oh yeah
DTMcCrann (4:00:56 PM): hippie
DTMcCrann (4:01:01 PM): HA
Maggie131313 (4:01:14 PM): ted-i'm better than you
Maggie131313 (4:01:21 PM): just get it through your head and shut up
DTMcCrann (4:01:09 PM): my dad can kick your dads ass
Maggie131313 (4:01:38 PM): dunc cant take ed
DTMcCrann (4:01:31 PM): fuck you he can't
Maggie131313 (4:01:43 PM): ed would eat dunc for breakfast
Maggie131313 (4:01:51 PM): in between the nails and screws
DTMcCrann (4:01:49 PM): My dad KNOWS the lord
DTMcCrann (4:01:51 PM): personall
DTMcCrann (4:01:52 PM): y
Maggie131313 (4:02:15 PM): no thats your mom
DTMcCrann (4:02:15 PM): my dad played college football
DTMcCrann (4:02:21 PM): my dad is a fireman
Maggie131313 (4:02:34 PM): my grandfather played for the boston red sox
Maggie131313 (4:02:35 PM): EAT IT
DTMcCrann (4:02:25 PM): my dad is a ninja
DTMcCrann (4:02:37 PM): my grandfather killed people
Maggie131313 (4:02:55 PM): sweet
Maggie131313 (4:02:58 PM): i could kill people if i wanted
DTMcCrann (4:02:50 PM): no you couldn't
Maggie131313 (4:03:04 PM): but you couldnt play for the bosox if you wanted
DTMcCrann (4:02:52 PM): pussy
Maggie131313 (4:03:08 PM): so i win
DTMcCrann (4:02:59 PM): neither could you
Maggie131313 (4:03:19 PM): nope i couldnt
DTMcCrann (4:03:07 PM): cause you're a stupid girl
Maggie131313 (4:03:24 PM): but MY grandfather could
Maggie131313 (4:03:25 PM): not yours
Maggie131313 (4:03:26 PM): mine
DTMcCrann (4:03:17 PM): stupid smelly girl
Maggie131313 (4:03:34 PM): girls do not smell
DTMcCrann (4:03:29 PM): my grandfather played football too
DTMcCrann (4:03:36 PM): against the four horseman
Maggie131313 (4:03:55 PM): good fr him
DTMcCrann (4:04:08 PM): i hate you
DTMcCrann (4:04:13 PM): we are so over
Maggie131313 (4:04:31 PM): hmmm
Maggie131313 (4:04:32 PM): ok
DTMcCrann (4:04:24 PM): good

I love the French

I love France and you should too. Here's why: France acts like America will act when we are eventually passed as the world's top dog (by China, Russia, Iceland, Mars, whoever), which will happen at some point. I'm not saying it's going to happen in my lifetime or in the lifetime of my children or their children and so forth but it is an indisputable fact America will not last as the world's top power forever (unless, of course, a war destroys the world and everybody dies then we get to go out on top, Go America!). This is a fact as surely as the sky is blue and the grass green. If you think differently you are clearly insane or completely ignorant of history; I will not spend time arguing this point. ANYWAY, whenever that does happen America is going to be just like modern-day France: a former super power, bitter at their diminished place in the world. Americans will respond to this exactly as the French have: by acting like pompous, arrogant assholes (not that we (and especially I) don't already). We're going to demand that our language still be used in the UN and that our opinions are as important as the new power's, just like the French today. True, this theory may be a bit farsighted but I like to think of France as a crotchety old man, its a lot more fun that way.

Further reasons I like France:
-Ruthlessly killed their monarchy and nobility (there's nothing sweeter than killing royalty)
-Helped America in the Revolution (this can't be overemphasized)
-Croissan'wiches
-Jean-Claude Van Damme (I know he's Belgian but that's a fake country anyway)
-Barometers (sweet!)
-Mille Bornes (the most underrated card game of all time, like Uno on steriods)
-Charles de Gaulle (very intriguing badass)
-They may be the only entity that hates the American government more than me (Important note: I still love America)

Yeah, I know we had to bail these cheese-eating surrender monkeys out in the Second World War and they got us tangled up in Vietnam but we probably wouldn't be around in the first place if it weren't for their help in the Revolution against evil evil Britain. I think we need to have a broader view of history when making judgments about other countries. Viva la America!

I hate the French. Except this guy.

Sarkozy, you beautiful son of a bitch, I freakin' love you. During and interview with CBS' Leslie "Let's talk about irrelevant bullshit" Stahl, Sarkozy was asked about his wife and a possible seperation and divorce. He was put off by the question, as it was in no way relevant news, so he did what I would do. Acted like a gentleman and a badass, took off his mic, shook hands and walked the F out of the interview. Enjoie, mon ami.

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Halloween Hilarity

I know we're a day late for Halloween but here are some great clips. I saw this first one on America's Funniest Videos a couple years back. It's hilarious.






J 'Mannetti D'Brickashaw Crustaceous' E- Exhibits A and B

Tom Brady can cure scurvy with a wave of his hand

I'm sick of this whole Patriot's running up the score bullshit. At least the spygate thing had some merit (but not too much because its obvious that all the material the Pats handed into the league had evidence of other teams cheating and that's why everything was swept under the rug. Think about it.) but this garbage is out of control. Anyway I'm not going to rant about this but provide you Freedom Lovers with a couple links that show the hypocritical nature of the media when it comes to discussing the Patriots dominance.

"Skeltons in the closet" from Cold Hard Football Facts.com

"Four score and several more" from Boston.com

I think these articles paint a pretty clear picture of what's going on...

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Really?

So last night I was watching TV when this commercial for a work clothes retailer called Work'N Gear came on. It was a pretty standard until the logo popped up at the end.Now maybe I'm totally off base here but that's a pretty offensive, right? Just say the "NGear" part aloud and see if any black people around you punch you in the face (or if you are black yourself, if you punch yourself in the face). I don't think I'm reaching for this one. I seriously think this is one of the biggest advertising missteps of all time. As soon as the logo flashed on the screen I was like, "Dear Lord, is that real?" At least the company's Website is equal opportunity and this black dude didn't have any problem rocking some NGear threads... "You know, were just manly guys who like to do manly things."

Umm... did I miss something?

Ted wrote: "[Three] of the eight 'ringleaders' received 38,976 years EACH. Issue is, IN SPAIN NO ONE CAN SERVE MORE THAT 40 YEARS IN PRISON. So all these murderers and accomplices to murder are going to walk free, completely free, in our lifetime. Do your research numb nuts."

I'm not sure exactly what "research" Ted is talking about. I said that they received the "maximum penalty" knowing full well that it was 40 years in prison. I couldn't find the specific ages of all of these terrorists but I'd place them at around 30-years-old so they're not going to get out until they are at least 70, if there able to survive in prison where the average life expectancy can't be very high so maybe, maybe these people will get out of jail at some point.

Also, Ted said that these people would be out in "our lifetime." That's kind of a bold prediction for Ted. Ya see Ted is like 47 years old so he's probably not going to be around when these guys get out and if he is then he's going to be either crapping himself or using a comically-large listening horn.

Blah Blah Blah, Ted's a cutter.

Breaking News: Doug Likes Little Boys

Don't fall for D.R. Sweeneys cute hippie bullshit. First off, three of the eight "ringleaders" received 38,976 years EACH. Issue is, IN SPAIN NO ONE CAN SERVE MORE THAT 40 YEARS IN PRISON. So all these murderers and accomplices to murder are going to walk free, completely free, in our lifetime. Do your research numb nuts. Second, in America they would all be dead soon. Third, you're a communist, stop hating freedom and arguing to argue.

BREAKING NEWS: Ted Hates America

So Ted's post below says the Spanish hate freedom because they acquitted seven of the 28 people involved in a 2004 train bombing. I don't get his point. These people were given a presumably fair trial, most were found guilty and sentenced to like a combined 40,000 years (seriously, I am not joking about that number), and some were found not guilty. What's wrong with that? Listen, I'm sure the prosecutor tried as hard as he could to convict all 28 but when it came down to it there wasn't enough evidence. Ted acts like he knows something the Spanish prosecutor didn't. Yeah maybe one of the guys was caught on tape saying something very incriminating but it wasn't used for whatever reason and he was acquitted on a technicality and NOTHING I repeat NOTHING is more American than being found not guilty because of a technicality.

Shit, every 4th of July after I down a sixer of Budweiser and eat an entire apple pie covered with American cheese I go out, get arrested, then spend thousands of dollars on a high-priced lawyer to get me off on a technicality because I feel that is what the Founding Fathers would want me to do. Call me crazy but if a court of law finds you not guilty that means you're not guilty, end of story. And its not like they didn't sentence 21 people to the maximum penalty.

To quote Otter from Animal House: "Well, you can do whatever you want to us, but I'm not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America. Gentlemen!"

Click here for a link to the story from the BBC

Breaking News: The Spanish Hate Freedom


True: The Spanish Government hates freedom.
False: It's ok to let terrorist that blow things up off the hook because they have an f'd up nose or a funny laugh. (See Picture above)

Those Spanish assholes have released seven of the terrorists that were involved, directly or indirectly, with the Madrid train bombing. Which, by the bye, killed 191 freaking people. No biggie, right? They have also acquitted the man who, on a wiretapped phone call, admitted that the whole damn thing was his idea.

So based on this court case, I have decided that the best way to get out of a speeding ticket in Spain is to drive as fast as you can, then call the cops and tell them exactly how fast you are going, how much of a badass you are and run over 191 people while your at it. Bring the taped conversation to court play it and say, "This is me admitting that speeding was my fantastic idea, praise God. I killed 191 people, can I go now?"

Then make yourself a toaster strudel and watch Oprah.
Then cut yourself because your are a freedom hating crazy fanatic and that's what you do, you kill people, so why not take your work home with you.

P.S. - Hillary Clinton Sucks. or Licks....


Sign her now, Gibbs, Sign her now!

Listen Joe, this chick gets nailed by the entire football team. (sweet double entendre) and gets back up. After the game she said she was a little bruised, but ok. Listen, if you got nailed by the whole team, you'd have that other foot in the grave. (Ha, I love that) Point being, she's tougher than the Redskins defense. Get on the ball Joe. Also, I'm a cutter.

Tuesday, October 30, 2007

UPDATE OF EARLIER REPORT: This Tuesday Not as Sucky as Most Tuesdays

As first reported on a website run by a man calling himself "Doug the Punter," the day of the week Tuesday sucks. However, two exciting new developments for this Tuesday, the 30th, are making people reconsider how much the day actually sucks.

Alleviating some of the usual Tuesday suckiness will be the free tacos distributed by national taco conglomerate Taco Bell. The tacos were won for America by Red Sox rookie Jacoby Ellsbury when he stole a base in the recent World Series, as part of a promotion. Experts say there is little doubt that the tacos will provide much-needed deliciousosity to a day commonly associated with a lack of tacos.

Most Americans were overjoyed at fortuitous turn of events. "Can't talk. Eating," coughed one man, identified only as "Dunc", in a northern Virginia Taco Bell as he gasped for air in between bites of his free taco. His meal was supplemented by 4 chalupas, 5 orders of Nachos Bell Grande, and an unspecified number of quesadillas.

Another less overweight man described his joy with the brief respite from the normal suckiness of Tuesday: "I've been waiting a long time for a Tuesday to come along where I didn't feel like killing myself and everyone around me and these tacos have assuaged my anger.... For now," he added ominously.

Further catapulting this particular Tuesday from the realm of sucky to tolerable is the beginning of the NBA season this evening. Although the match-ups are at best questionable the inclusion of basketball on the barren landscape of Tuesday night television is a welcome change for most. Basketball insiders have indicated that Commissioner David Stern was heavily influenced by Doug the Punter's report regarding the public's perception of Tuesday.

"The Commish has long drawn the ire of Doug and, fearful for his life, decided to appease him by starting this season on a Tuesday," said one high-ranking NBA official, who spoke on the condition of anonymity.

Doug the Punter could not be reached for specific comment but his press secretary released a statement this morning that indicates that while he is pleased with how this Tuesday is going, he still has little regard for the second day of the work week. An excerpt reads: "Yeah, this Tuesday is decent I guess but how the fuck am I supposed to get my free taco when I have to work all day. And the start of the NBA is exciting but my Celtics don't play until Friday; on top of that tonight's games are kinda lame (especially San Antonio v. Portland). ... Top that off with the fact that I have to write for Newser from 10 p.m. to 1 a.m. and this Tuesday is still pretty fucking shitty. I make no apologies for my hard-line stance on the suckiness of Tuesdays."

In other day-related news it seems that a resolution to Doug the Punter's court case against Sunday is still a long way off. Doug claims that Sunday falsely portrays itself as a weekend even though it really isn't because you have work hanging over your head all day. He is on the record as calling Sunday an "overrated piece-of-shit excuse for a day."

Terry Francona Celebrates the Win

It's a little grainy cause of all the champagne on the lens, but that little fucker is getting down!

Monday, October 29, 2007

Attention New English People

I hate you all. I will not be posting anything about that game for personal reasons. Mainly, my inability to admit :
1. Defeat.
2. Other people's superiority.
3. That my girlfriend has a crush on Tom "I have bastard Children" Brady.
4. Being wrong.
5. That we lost that game before the first kickoff.

So fuck you and the horse you rode in on.

Good Game, Good Game, Good Game, Good Game, Good Game, Good Game. I'm a cutter.

Tiniest Man Imaginable Brings Red Sox Another Ring, and other exciting developments from the weekend

Wow, what a weekend of sports for me, probably one of the best ever. First on Saturday I was in attendance when my UConn Huskies upset South Florida for their first win ever over a ranked opponent, then the Patriots fustigated the Redskins, and THEN the Sox won the World Series. Remarkable. So I'll take it game by game:

UConn 22 USF 15

Summary (in my opinion)- This game didn't even seem this close until the last 5 minutes or so. King Conn was up 16-0 at the half and everything was breaking their way (2 missed FGs, a pick-6, etc...). The Huskies couldn't stop Grothe when he was running the ball in the second half but they finally figured it out on the last drive. On a crucial third and goal from the 2 with about a minute left Grothe ran a naked bootleg but the Connecticut DE stayed home and dropped him for a loss, back to the 10. 4th down? Incomplete. Fans rush the field.

Excitement Level- 4 Motor City Bowl victories out of 5. This was a huge win, no doubt, but it will go for naught if the Huskies lose* to hated Rutgers. Coach Edsall just needs to keep the troops focused each week. The next three games are definitely winnable (Rutgers, at Cincinnati, Syracuse) which could lead up to a defacto Big East title game against West Virginia in Morgantown. I'm trying not to get ahead of myself. One game at a time, Doug, one game at at time...

F U factor (how much this victory allows me to tell others to kill themselves)- 3 pulled-pork barbecue sangwiches out of 5. It's nice to have my college football team do well after spending my college years in the south because now I can mock my friends who are Clemson, Alabama, or whatever fans for something other than their overall douchebaggyness.




New England 52 Washington 7

Summary- On the Patriots first drive, Brady underthrew Wes Welker in the endzone. What a jerk! I would have won my fantasy game this week if that idiot could learn how to throw the football. Then he's arrogant enough to run it in himself? And then the defense gives up a touchdown while the lead is only 52!!! That really pissed me off since I wagered Pats -49. Honestly, it was a nice win, only tarnished by the hat Brady wore in his post game interview (it's still better than the one Junior Seau wears; most recently in his ESPN interview. The only way I can describe it is it looks like a hat a gay train conductor would wear. Seriously when I saw him wearing it for the first time I thought: "how did this gay train conductor get into the Patriots locker room," no joke. (note: I tried to find a picture but couldn't, any help would be appreciated)). And to those of you who bitch about running up the score: these people are professionals, if you don't like having the score run up on you then stop them. Most of the ex-players I heard interviewed (including Mike Ditka) had zero problem with this.

Excitement Level- 2 confiscated spy tapes out of 5. Ho-hum, the Patriots win by 45. I guess this sets up ARMAGEDDON for next week which will be interesting, I suppose...

F U Level- 1 Bill Belichick extramarital affair out of 5. This game was nothing different from what the Patriots did all year. It gets one point because now that I'm on Freglomerica I can't make fun of Ted for his 'Skins getting the shit kicked out of them. Here's how I think it would go down-

Me: Hey Ted, your team is of poor quality compared to the AFC.
Ted: Your team's the one with... the sh..shell on it...
Doug: Ya' got that?
Ted: Shut up, Richard.

Boston 4 Colorado 3 (Red Sox sweep World Series)


Summary- This game was actually pretty exciting, it had a lot of nice subplots (especially Lester) but even if the Rockies pulled it out it was a dead certainty that Josh Beckett throws a one-hit shutout in Game 5 so I was never that nervous.

Excitement Level- 5 Tina Cervasio handjobs out of 5. I've been kind of numb since the Series ended. I know that I'm excited but I don't really feel it. I think after Game 6 of the ALCS I was all excited out but it will probably hit me in a couple days.

F U Level- 5 awkward postgame interviews with ownership out of 5. Take that Yankees fans. You suck. And to all of you who are like, "the Red Sox are the new Yankees." Quit. Seriously just quit. Drive home, draw yourself a bath, get in, and then slit your wrists.

Recently everyone's been saying how good it is for Boston right meow and I agree, it is good. But it seems like everyone forgets that in 2004 the Sox and Pats won it all. That year was especially great for me because Coach Calhoun guided the Huskies to their second championship by beating pedophile Mike Kyrlkjfdsfasdlkjzski in the Final Four. So this year is shaping up to be great but it has a loooong way before it tops that year.


*I shit you not it just took me 5 minutes to figure out how to spell "lose." I really couldn't remember. I was trying out "loos", "loose" whatever. I even tried to convince my self that "loss "can also be pronounced "lose." What the hell, I have a journalism degree. That was really weird. Now I'm going to be second (cekond? seekont?) guessing myself for the rest of this article...

BREAKING NEWS: Benny the Jet and Red Sox Win World Series, Save Babe Ruth Ball From the Beast

Picture borrowed from Barstool Sports

Friday, October 26, 2007

Doug the Punter

Salutations Freedom Lovers,

I, Doug the Punter, have officially moved from my previous blog, Freedom Blog, USA, and arrived at Freedom, Glory, America. I am pretty excited about the merger as it will vastly increase mine and Ted's killing, er, I mean, writing power. Anyway I don't have a lot to say right meow other than I will be recapping the Real World every week (I'm not really sure why) and writing intermittently about various things, usually related to the Boston sports world. Basically I'll be arguing back and forth with Ted a lot but don't worry it will be entertaining (disclaimer: it probably won't be), we'll keep it as inappropriate and as below-the-belt as possible. One note I am going to stay out of politics as much as possible; I'll let Ted make an ass of himself on his own. Tune in Monday for sure-to-be-entertaining recaps of the Washington and New England game from totally different but equally skewed perspectives.

I remain etc.,
Doug the Punter

For all my previous articles, of which there are many, please visit my archives.

For real news in a quick, digestible summaries please visit Newser.com. I write for the sports section.

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Brothers get wierd sometimes.

EJMcCrann (4:20:25 PM): poop
EJMcCrann (4:20:28 PM): speaking of poop
EJMcCrann (4:20:40 PM): when you go to my house find the poop peoples number on the thing
EJMcCrann (4:20:49 PM): i need to cancel service until dog is back

DTMcCrann (4:20:58 PM): k
DTMcCrann (4:21:08 PM): i might forget
DTMcCrann (4:21:12 PM): so don't get mad
DTMcCrann (4:21:20 PM): that's an obscure thing to remember
EJMcCrann (4:21:28 PM): POOP

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Again, I ask you to spread the love

Tell your friends. I want more input and comments on this blog. I spend enough time talking to myself, I don't need to be blogging to myself as well. Big Ed, You out there?

Please read, take heed, and choose your news.

The Weekly Standard


The Greatest Story Never Told
Military progress in Iraq goes unnoticed by the press.
by Dean Barnett
10/23/2007 12:00:00 AM


MOST PEOPLE DON'T know about the website icasualties.org Icasualties.org is run by a bunch of lefties who have dedicated themselves to aggregating all the bad news out of Iraq over the past few years. Each day for the past thirty-four months, Icasualties.org has documented every Coalition military death as well as every violent civilian death in Iraq.

The people who run Icasualties.org obviously have little fondness for Operation Iraqi Freedom. Among their many tendentious metrics is a tally of all the deaths since President Bush announced "Bring them on." Yet, in spite of a clear political agenda, Icaualties.org plays it straight--they just report the numbers. It's important to note that all the discussion regarding how David Petraeus classifies deaths has nothing to do with
Icasualties.org's figures. If six bodies are found in Baghdad, they get added to Icasualties.org's butcher's bill. David Petraeus doesn't get a vote.

Since Icasualties.org is an ideological fellow traveler of mot mainstream media outlets, you'd figure the site's reporting would occasionally get noticed. In the past, Icasualties.org's numbers and mainstream media reports have sometimes marched in lockstep. Who can forget all the "grim milestones" that the media purportedly mourned during the past four years?

IN THE LAST FEW MONTHS, the story in Iraq has changed dramatically. The numbers on Icasualties.org have reflected that change. The metric that most clearly animates the mainstream media and the American public is the count of American casualties. In the spring, with "the surge" just being rolled out, over 100 American soldiers a month died between April and June. Even though the surge was just beginning, it was about that time that Harry Reid asserted, "As many had foreseen, the escalation has failed to produce the intended results." As an analysis of our military prospects, Reid's comments were risible. Of course, Reid didn't intend to provide a serious military analysis. Rather, he tried to cynically capitalize on American deaths for political gain.

Since Reid's ill-timed comment, the situation for American soldiers in Iraq has taken a sharp turn for the better. The accompanying graph clearly shows the trend, but the situation can perhaps be best summed up by looking at the numbers in May compared to the numbers so far from October. In May, 120 American soldiers died in combat, and six more died from non-hostile causes. With October three-fourths complete, 20 American soldiers have died in combat while eight others have died non-hostilities related deaths.

It would be one thing if this improvement transpired because American commanders, spooked by the relatively high death tolls in the spring, decided to focus their mission on force protection. But that hasn't been the case. American troops have been engaging the enemy more actively over the past several months than at any time during Operation Iraqi Freedom, and they've done so to spectacular effect.
The results of the surge, or "the escalation" as Harry Reid derisively called it, have been obvious in the Icasualties.org numbers. Before the surge, a bad month would claim the lives of roughly 3,000 Iraqi civilians and security force members. In February '07, the exact number was 3,014 Iraqi casualties. In March, the figure was 2,977. As the surge began to have its effects, that number dropped to 1674 in August. In September, with the surge taking full effect, the numbers showed a profound change--the Iraqi death toll plunged to 848.

Happily, September's figures don't appear to be an aberration. October has seen 502 Iraqi casualties so far. If the trend continues though the end of October, the final number should be around 650 for the entire month. That represents better than an 80 percent improvement from the war's nadir.

YOU'D THINK THIS would be a big story. After all, the mainstream media makes such a show of "supporting the troops" at every turn, you'd think it would rush to report the amazing story of our soldiers accomplishing what many observers declared "impossible" and "unwinnable" not so long ago.
It hasn't worked out that way. When General Ricardo Sanchez (ret.) addressed the situation in Iraq on October 11, he proclaimed that America was "living a nightmare with no end in sight." Naturally, the "nightmare" quote wound up in the first paragraph of the New York Times report on Sanchez's comments. What didn't find its way into the Times' report was any context of what's going on in Iraq. The "nightmare" assessment would have been a whole lot more fitting when Sanchez was helping run the show in Iraq in 2006 than it is today.

Some people are trying to explain to the American public what's happening in Iraq. Pete Hegseth is a 27 year-old Princeton grad who spent a year leading a combat platoon in Iraq and now heads Vets for Freedom, an organization that supports victory in Iraq. In yesterday's New York Post, Hegseth wrote an important op-ed piece that explains our counter-insurgency strategy in some depth.

"The term 'surge' is far too simplistic", Hegseth writes, "as it implies simply throwing more forces at the problem, when Petraeus' changes in tactics are even more important. The new counterinsurgency approach--namely, to take territory from al Qaeda, hold it, secure it and empower tribal sheiks to work together and rebuild their communities--finally provides an effective 'counteroffensive' to the chief tactics of al Qaeda militants and Shiite death squads."

And then there's the intrepid Michael Yon. Yon has spent more time on the frontlines than any other American reporters. He reported anecdotal evidence of a sea-change in Iraq that preceded the change in the hard numbers by several months.

The mainstream media's failure to report what's been happening in Iraq frustrates Yon perhaps more than anyone. He has risked his life to tell that story, and the American media has yawned, apparently preferring the anachronistic pronouncements of a former general who hasn't been in the theatre since the surge began. Earlier this week, Yon offered his dispatches free of charge to any paper willing to publish them. It will be interesting to see if he has any takers.

WHAT'S MOST FRUSTRATING about the press's reporting about Iraq is that you just know the next time something goes wrong, be it a car bomb slipping through or a mishap involving American soldiers, that story will get above-the-fold treatment in America's major dailies. The same old voices will begin shrieking "quagmire," and an American pop-singer will probably re-shape John Kerry's tired "Who will be the last to die for a mistake?" query into a lame rock song. (Wait, Bruce Springsteen has already done that.)

The cries of defeat and retreat will intensify.

Of course, there is nothing wrong with the media reporting the bad news out of Iraq. Indeed, it's their duty. But there is something profoundly wrong with the media reporting the bad news while disingenuously ignoring the progress we've made, progress that's only been made because of the sacrifices of 160,000 American soldiers.

Dean Barnett is a staff writer at THE WEEKLY STANDARD.
icasualties.bmp
Hostile and non-hostile American deaths in Iraq. Source: Icasualties.org.

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