Thursday, November 15, 2007

SHOCK: Queer Train Conductor Hat Spreads to Pedroia; Apocalypse Imminent

With all the hoopla and fanfare surrounding Boston sports right meow the larger story has been lost. Mainly, Junior Seau's refusal to stop wearing his gay train conductor hat even though it is wildly embarrassing to all fans of the Patriots. Maybe, just maybe it's a good luck charm and the reason for the Pats recent success but is looking like a gay train conductor worth it? I answer a resounding NO to this question. Now I'm not saying I would rather have him wear a normal hat in lieu of being undefeated but... wait that is exactly what I am saying. There's no way the gay conductor hat is so lucky that the Pats couldn't be 8-1 or at least 7-2 without it. For me seeing an athlete on my favorite team wearing that hat is as mentally damaging as losing a couple of games, probably more so. Observe the following hypothetical conversation:

Me: The Pats are unstoppable.
Jets Fan: Yeah but your middle linebacker masquerades as a gay train conductor and drives the Gay Train to Gayville.
Me: You mean the Randall Gay Train?
Jets Fan: What? ... I like dudes.

See? This is what I am talking about. Being the genius that he is Belichick should have nipped this thing in the bud from the beginning and put a clause in his contract specifically banning gay train conductor hats.

Unfortunately the problem is spreading. Yes, friends, newly-crowned AL Rookie of the Year Dustin Pedroia was spotted wearing a gay train conductor hat. This thing has got to stop, NOW! At least Seau is going to retire after this year but Pedroia could be rocking his gay train conductor hat for the next decade. I am not ready for this. Honestly I think the only right thing to do is trade Pedroia while his stock is high and before other fan bases see him wearing his gay train conductor hat and public outcry blocks any possible deal. I'm not sure who the Sox could get back for him but as long as he hits .250 and refrains from wearing hats that send ambiguous sexual messages I'll be fine. We must put an end to this before I see Ray Allen wearing one and kill myself (seriously I will, no joke). (I have no fear of this phenomenon spreading to the Bruins because if one hockey player saw another wearing such a ridiculous hat they would put him in traction).

Note: The reason I dislike those hats so much is not that they are really fruity but because they are an embarrassment. Everytime I see Seau (and now Pedroia) wearing that hat I just shake my head and think to myself, "What or who gave you the impression that that hat is OK?"


Ted said...

Shut the hell up, douche.

Anonymous said...

You need to figure out what you are talking about. That is NOT a train conductor hat, maybe you have some childhood issues with that. That is a ranger or Castro style military hat; get your facts straight, dude.