Friday, November 2, 2007

I love the French

I love France and you should too. Here's why: France acts like America will act when we are eventually passed as the world's top dog (by China, Russia, Iceland, Mars, whoever), which will happen at some point. I'm not saying it's going to happen in my lifetime or in the lifetime of my children or their children and so forth but it is an indisputable fact America will not last as the world's top power forever (unless, of course, a war destroys the world and everybody dies then we get to go out on top, Go America!). This is a fact as surely as the sky is blue and the grass green. If you think differently you are clearly insane or completely ignorant of history; I will not spend time arguing this point. ANYWAY, whenever that does happen America is going to be just like modern-day France: a former super power, bitter at their diminished place in the world. Americans will respond to this exactly as the French have: by acting like pompous, arrogant assholes (not that we (and especially I) don't already). We're going to demand that our language still be used in the UN and that our opinions are as important as the new power's, just like the French today. True, this theory may be a bit farsighted but I like to think of France as a crotchety old man, its a lot more fun that way.

Further reasons I like France:
-Ruthlessly killed their monarchy and nobility (there's nothing sweeter than killing royalty)
-Helped America in the Revolution (this can't be overemphasized)
-Jean-Claude Van Damme (I know he's Belgian but that's a fake country anyway)
-Barometers (sweet!)
-Mille Bornes (the most underrated card game of all time, like Uno on steriods)
-Charles de Gaulle (very intriguing badass)
-They may be the only entity that hates the American government more than me (Important note: I still love America)

Yeah, I know we had to bail these cheese-eating surrender monkeys out in the Second World War and they got us tangled up in Vietnam but we probably wouldn't be around in the first place if it weren't for their help in the Revolution against evil evil Britain. I think we need to have a broader view of history when making judgments about other countries. Viva la America!

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