As first reported on a website run by a man calling himself "Doug the Punter," the day of the week Tuesday sucks. However, two exciting new developments for this Tuesday, the 30th, are making people reconsider how much the day actually sucks.
Alleviating some of the usual Tuesday suckiness will be the free tacos distributed by national taco conglomerate Taco Bell. The tacos were won for America by Red Sox rookie Jacoby Ellsbury when he stole a base in the recent World Series, as part of a promotion. Experts say there is little doubt that the tacos will provide much-needed deliciousosity to a day commonly associated with a lack of tacos.
Most Americans were overjoyed at fortuitous turn of events. "Can't talk. Eating," coughed one man, identified only as "Dunc", in a northern Virginia Taco Bell as he gasped for air in between bites of his free taco. His meal was supplemented by 4 chalupas, 5 orders of Nachos Bell Grande, and an unspecified number of quesadillas.
Another less overweight man described his joy with the brief respite from the normal suckiness of Tuesday: "I've been waiting a long time for a Tuesday to come along where I didn't feel like killing myself and everyone around me and these tacos have assuaged my anger.... For now," he added ominously.
Further catapulting this particular Tuesday from the realm of sucky to tolerable is the beginning of the NBA season this evening. Although the match-ups are at best questionable the inclusion of basketball on the barren landscape of Tuesday night television is a welcome change for most. Basketball insiders have indicated that Commissioner David Stern was heavily influenced by Doug the Punter's report regarding the public's perception of Tuesday.
"The Commish has long drawn the ire of Doug and, fearful for his life, decided to appease him by starting this season on a Tuesday," said one high-ranking NBA official, who spoke on the condition of anonymity.
Doug the Punter could not be reached for specific comment but his press secretary released a statement this morning that indicates that while he is pleased with how this Tuesday is going, he still has little regard for the second day of the work week. An excerpt reads: "Yeah, this Tuesday is decent I guess but how the fuck am I supposed to get my free taco when I have to work all day. And the start of the NBA is exciting but my Celtics don't play until Friday; on top of that tonight's games are kinda lame (especially San Antonio v. Portland). ... Top that off with the fact that I have to write for Newser from 10 p.m. to 1 a.m. and this Tuesday is still pretty fucking shitty. I make no apologies for my hard-line stance on the suckiness of Tuesdays."
In other day-related news it seems that a resolution to Doug the Punter's court case against Sunday is still a long way off. Doug claims that Sunday falsely portrays itself as a weekend even though it really isn't because you have work hanging over your head all day. He is on the record as calling Sunday an "overrated piece-of-shit excuse for a day."
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