Happy Independence Day!

I know I'm a bit early but I'm going to be away for the rest of the week. Hope everyone has a great Fourth of July.

Virginia beats the shit out of New England.

Listen here Chowdaheads.


Sad story for you snow-weary Plymouth rock monkeys. Virginia totally started America. 1607, Jamestown, Va. Birthplace of America. Look it up bitches.

Virginia is prettier, with 34 highly regarded state parks. Love the smell of America? I do. Where do I get my fix? Virginia's state parks!

New England isn't even a state. It's a stupid region with stupid regional parks. Plus, when is anything named after England good? (England, not an English person. Too easy, Doug)

Virgina gave birth to eight presidents.

Virginia grows tobacco, everyone looks cool when they smoke, even Richie Cunningham.

Our State capital was also the capital of a country. (One that was not recognized by the US, but who cares! Fuck em.)

We have the Pentagon, the CIA, and the NRA. Also, we have 7 dead presidents and Arlington National cemetery on our hallowed grounds.

Virginia was once so big and bad that it consisted of Virgina, West Virginia, Kentucky, Tennessee, North and South Carolina and DC. Beat that fuck stain.

Our accents sound better.

The Redskins are better (over time) than the patriots.

The Red Sox are better than anyone so fuck you Doug, I'm taking that one away.

America was born in Virginia.

Virginia is for lovers. We like to bump nasties.

p.s. Doug likes dudes.

Baseball = America

Oh really, the league is dominated by foreigners? Really? I guess the fact that a large majority (over 60%) of baseball players are American doesn't count as dominating. Regardless, should this matter? Baseball provides an opportunity for many people from less fortunate countries to come to this great nation of ours and, hopefully, fulfill the American dream, just like my ancestors did 100 years ago. Seriously, it wasn't more than a generation or two ago that names like Sean O'Malley and Rico Petrocelli were as foreign as Manny Ramirez or Jose Reyes. So a quick recap: most players are American and those that are not, join the great American melting pot. (Also many of these players become American citizens, like David Ortiz.)

Football has become the new poker. It's over analyzed to hell because there isn't enough action for the talking heads to discuss so they just work themselves into a lather about completely unimportant and nonsensical issues like Terrell Owens or post-game handshakes. Baseball actually produces new action nearly everyday. Nonstop action is very American.

Also, it's technically, "San Demas Football Rules." Billy Madison stole that line from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure...

America Week at Freglomerica

Come one, come all to Freedom, Glory, America's first annual America Week. Independence Day is this Friday so it's a short work week (Freedom!) culminating in shooting fireworks in a needlessly unsafe manner (Glory!) while stuffed full of apple pie and beer (America!). It's during this time of year that I count my lucky stars that I don't live in Canada (Canadian beer sucks). Anyway here at Freglomerica we'll be doing our best to keep fanning the flames of patriotism with an unprecedented amount of America-related content. Enjoy!

What can Vegas Vacation tell us about American politics?

There's a scene in Vegas Vacation that has always tickled my funny bone and strangely enough it applies to the current political situation in this country: Chevy Chase is at a cheap buffet with his cousin, Randy Quaid. Chase looks down at two steamer trays, both filled with a revolting, tapioca-like solid/liquid; one is yellow and marked chicken, the other is blue and marked beef. Visibly disgusted Chase points to the yellow tray and says to an attendant, "That's chicken?" To which the attendant replies, "Oh wait, sorry," and promptly switches the signs indicating which dish is which. That's pretty much what politics in this country is like, both options are unappealing, indistinguishable, and sure to back you up for a few days. No matter what "dish" you choose chicken or beef, Republican or Democrat, your screwed.

In my opinion, virtually all politicians in this country (and probably everywhere else) are glad-handing, money-grubbing, spineless, two-faced election monkeys who are more concerned with lining their own pockets with our money, stroking their massive egos, and obtaining power than they are with bettering this country. Yeah, maybe there are a couple exceptions here and there but the general rule is politicians are the scum of the earth. It's that simple. To borrow a phrase from Happy Gilmore, "Blue Jacket. Red Jacket. Who gives a shit?" They're all pretty much the same thing. Until we make it easier for other parties to get the same recognition that the D's and R's get (and give Americans a choice) nothing is going to change drastically. So go ahead, work yourself into a tizzy about Obama or McCain or whoever but keep in mind that it doesn't really matter. In my opinion, they're both pretty decent choices compared to the laughable candidates of elections past. Both seem like honest and well-intentioned Americans. I'm leaning towards Obama because at least he seems like a change from the ordinary and so far, in my life, the ordinary has fucking sucked donkey balls. The End.

Doug is a little bitch

Seeing as Doug wants to punt the fucking country into goddamn Armageddon, I'll put this in terms that he can understand. Pussies.

This is what Doug wants you to think will happen if Hussein is elected:

Fuck that shit. This is a better representation of the Obama Crisis:

Fuck you Doug

MLB Division Previews- NL Central

After the rousing success of my NL West preview I have returned to give you my non-insightful, albeit pithy, appraisal of the NL Central.



1. Milwaukee Brewers- I was going to put the Cubs here but than I thought to myself, "Screw it. It's not like anyone is reading this crap anyway." So I'm going with the lovable Brew Crew (I don't think I have ever met anyone who dislikes the Brewers). Although I don't expect Prince Fielder to hit 50 bombs again he still will be a force (say 40-45 dingers). I feel the same way towards last years NL Rookie of the Year, the new Hebrew Hammer, Ryan Braun, who hit like 35 HR in 100 or so games. I think Braun will be good but I don't see more than 30 HR on the season. I do expect a lot from vastly underrated second baseman Rickie Weeks (check out his walk totals and ignore that aberration of a batting average from last year ) and OF Corey Hart. This team is going to hit a lot of homeruns but it's pitching will win it the division crown. Olympic gold medalist Ben Sheets will finally stay healthy and anchor an average, but deep and effective, staff. The Brewers' starters may be the best in the division top to bottom, although that is much more an indictment of the rest of the NL Central's pitchers than praise of Milwaukee's. The one question mark is the bullpen where Eric Gagne will try to close games. Gagne joining an already mediocre bullpen in homerun-happy Miller Park is could be like driving an oil tanker into a burning building.

2. Chicago Cubs- I think the Cubs will be very close to the Brewers but I see them either A). having a 3-15 stretch in August or B). never getting a prolonged hot streak going and ending up with 80 wins. Either way I think the Brewers have them beat. There lineup is very good with Alfonso Soriano as its centerpiece but there are a number of question marks such as, will Derrek Lee regain his 2005 form, can Kosuke Fukodome be effective in America, will Felix Pie and Geovany Soto be as good as hyped? These questions linger. There starters are OK; Carlos Zambrano is good, no doubt, and so is Rich Hill but I think Jason Marquis is going to suck. The bullpen is good but I'm not sure Carlos Marmol is a closer. Anyway their biggest issue is chemistry: I don't know if the team will continue to respond to Lou Pinnela and Zambrano is a jerk/headcase. Anyway a disappointing second-place finish seems about right for the Cubbies, although they may, but probably won't, compete for the wild-card.

3. St. Louis Cardinals- The Cards have the most players named in the Mitchell Report which unfortunately is not a statistic. Besides an overwhelming amount of juicers the Cardinals have one of the best hitters in baseball, Albert Pujols. Unfortunately he has a tear in his elbow and may miss a bunch of time this season. Besides him their offense is decent--I expect good things from Rick Ankiel (admitted HGH user), Chris Duncan (probable HGH user) and Troy Glaus (voted most likely to use HGH by the 1999 Anaheim Angels, although I don't know if he actually ever did). Their pitching stinks although youngster Adam Wainwright could have a good year.

4. Houston Astros- I think the 'Stros could finish higher and maybe even win the division. They have a great offense with Lance Berkman, Hunter Pence and Carlos Lee. However after Roy Oswalt their starters absolutely suck (Wandy Rodriguez is probably their No. 2, are you kidding me?) Also hurting Houston's chances is the fact that Toronto passed them in the all-important category of "5-11, 180 lbs White Guys Who Are Impossible to Tell Apart on the Diamond." (Yeah, that's right, I can't distinguish most white ball players from another. Does that make me racist? Probably.)

5. Cincinnati Reds- I like the Reds this year unfortunately they're not very good. New manager Dusty Baker is going to have Aaron Harang and Bronson Arroyo throw a combined 500 innings, which will be a problem down the road but I think both will have good years. The offense is pretty decent and hinges on how rookie first baseman Joey Votto does and if fellow rookie Jay Bruce makes the club and makes an impact. Pencil Adam Dunn in for 40 dingers and Ken Griffey Jr. for 110 games played.

6. Pittsburgh Pirates- I have no beef with Pittsburgh (they are one of two non-Red Sox teams whose hat I own (KC Royals is the other). I like former Sox farm hand Freddy Sanchez, unfortunately nobody values a .320 batting average with zero power and low OBP anymore. Sweet Swingin' Adam LaRoche has seen better days and their best pitcher, Ian Snell, is crazy. Still they have good young pitching with Snell and Tom Gorzelanny and it could be even better if Zach Duke gets his head out of his ass. Anyway this team will avoid 100 loses I think, but just barely.

Quick note about the NL Central: For some reason this division has more teams, six, than any other division. Now this would make sense if there were 31 teams in the majors but, alas, there are only 30. So this means that there is a division with only 4 teams, the AL West. Well, you say, "Doug, the MLB must not have wanted to make a team switch from one league to another because of the disadvantages that would pose." And I would say, "Yeah, you're right, good point." Except that the Brewers were originally in the AL and were moved to the NL in 1997. Bottom line is that the MLB has decided the best way to evenly divide 30 teams six ways is 5-5-5-5-6-4. One final point: This puts the teams in the NL Central at a disadvantage, and teams in the AL West at a corresponding advantage, because they have more/less teams vying for the division title, and playoff spot. Sports writers are shortsightedly bitching about the unfairness of the NBA playoffs giving 8 playoff spots to each conference regardless of record and ignoring this much more glaring, and permanent, problem. (My solution: Move the Brewers to the AL West. They're not that much further east than the Rangers). UPDATE: I just read that the reason for the NL having 16 and AL having 14 teams is because they want each league to be divisible by 2, to quote Wikipedia, "to continue primarily intraleague play." This doesn't make sense to me. While we're here this is my suggestion for realignment: eliminate two teams (let's say the Marlins and the Devil Rays), move the Brewers to the AL, and have two divisions of seven teams in each league. Winners of each division play in the A/NLCS for the pennant, like 20 years ago (you could also have each league have 2 wild cards and keep the current playoff format).

MLB Division Previews- NL West

Everyone grab your beat up glove, your homemade bat, and a brand-new pair of shoes because starting today I am going to begin my division-by-division preview of the upcoming MLB season. These are basically just going to be my gut reactions so don't expect any Peter Gammons in-depth analysis (until we get to the only division that matters, the AL East). Before we get to the preview please get in the baseball mood by enjoying the glory of John Fogerty's timeless classic "Centerfield":



(note: I'm probably going to post a different version of this video everyday, so get used to it)

NL West

1. Arizona Diamondbacks- I legitimately think Arizona has the best 1-2 punch in the Majors with Brandon Webb and Dan Haren. If the two of them stay healthy they could win a combined 45 games against the moribund competition in this league. Noted Jason Varitek-shover outfielder Eric Byrnes will come back to earth but phenom Justin Upton, brother of B.J., will be a spark for the offense.

2. Colorado Rockies- That run they went on to end the year was phenomenal. They were playing incredible baseball, still the disparity of the leagues was shown when the Red Sox absolutely crushed them in the World Series. I expect the Rockies to compete, and probably, win the wild card but I don't think they'll win a playoff series. Not with Orville Redenbaucher as their ace. I expect Troy Tulowitzki to plummet back to earth, Todd Helton to have a very strong year, and their bullpen to be exceptional.

3. Los Angeles Dodgers- Andruw Jones will bounce back and their lineup is pretty decent but a shaky rotation and poor management will have this team scuffling to win 75 games. This will be the year when everyone realizes Torre won those world series' because his team out spent everybody.

4. San Diego Padres- Jake Peavy is a stud, and will win 20 games but that lineup absolutely sucks. Seriously, I think they will only have one player hit over 25 home runs. Jim Edmonds is washed up, Tad Iguchi isn't good, etc... etc... Also, how much longer can Trevor Hoffman be Trevor Hoffman, dudes like 50-years-old.

5. San Francisco Giants- Well the Barry Bonds era in the Bay is over, however now Giants fans have a new problem. Bengie Molina (yes, THE Bengie Molina) is batting clean-up for a team that may not win 50 games. Things are going to be laughably bad for San Francisco. I'll probably end up watching 10-15 innings of this team throughout the course of the year and I will be absolutely shocked if I see them get a hit, other than a two-out groundball through the middle. It's going to be bad. Very bad.

BREAKING NEWS: Ted Hates America

So Ted's post below says the Spanish hate freedom because they acquitted seven of the 28 people involved in a 2004 train bombing. I don't get his point. These people were given a presumably fair trial, most were found guilty and sentenced to like a combined 40,000 years (seriously, I am not joking about that number), and some were found not guilty. What's wrong with that? Listen, I'm sure the prosecutor tried as hard as he could to convict all 28 but when it came down to it there wasn't enough evidence. Ted acts like he knows something the Spanish prosecutor didn't. Yeah maybe one of the guys was caught on tape saying something very incriminating but it wasn't used for whatever reason and he was acquitted on a technicality and NOTHING I repeat NOTHING is more American than being found not guilty because of a technicality.

Shit, every 4th of July after I down a sixer of Budweiser and eat an entire apple pie covered with American cheese I go out, get arrested, then spend thousands of dollars on a high-priced lawyer to get me off on a technicality because I feel that is what the Founding Fathers would want me to do. Call me crazy but if a court of law finds you not guilty that means you're not guilty, end of story. And its not like they didn't sentence 21 people to the maximum penalty.

To quote Otter from Animal House: "Well, you can do whatever you want to us, but I'm not going to sit here and listen to you badmouth the United States of America. Gentlemen!"

Click here for a link to the story from the BBC