Woman Accused of Offering Sex for World Series Tickets

Local Philly woman offers sexual favors to an undercover cop for World Series tix. First off, c'mon lady, haven't we learned our lessons about sexual favors and the Craigslist. Didn't some dude merc some chick that he met on Craigslist. Second, when committing felonies, please make sure that you aren't talking to a cop. I've been to Philadelphia and I'm pretty damn sure that they begin teaching that in middle school. Today class we are going to learn how not to get busted by a Narc! Remember, always check for a wire, and never take her word for it. 15 gets you 20!
In a related story, word on the street is that Jeter is willing to S some D's for MVP votes. Food for thought.

I don't know Lloyd, the French are assholes.

Sounds like the French are taking a break from surrendering to plan their roads with amazing hilarity. If you cruise through the article here you'll see what I mean.

French hosehound does something kinda funny

So the French have dumped diplomacy in exchange for using city planing to take little jabs at each other. In a classic case of "hold me back"--where you say you're gonna fight someone but in reality you are just praying that your friends will hold you back long enough for the bouncers to throw everyone out of the club, where you continue to scream obscene things as you book it to a cab and thank god you didn't just get the shit beat out of you--two warring cities have placed one way streets that face each other. They outsourced the planning to the great great great grandson of the man that planned the streets in Boston, Seamus the Drunken Dancing Leprechaun the Sixth. Who, coincidentally, used the same tools for the planning of the roads as his predecessor, 18 pints of Guinness, a DUI arrest, an angry Polynesian hooker, a crayon and some construction paper.
While I'm at it, since our special teams writer apparently doesn't have enough vacation days from his 'freelance writing' job to read or write this blog, I would like to add this:

Tom Brady is gay.
Bill Belichick is a cheating hooker with a sex tape.
Manny Rameriz is a lazy bitch.
David Ortiz is fat.
The Boston Garden is a terrible venue.
The long chicken sandwich? It long chicken sucks ass.
Special Teams doesn't count.
France sucks.
Authority is awesome.
Bush was a genius.
Obama sucks.
The sky is green.
Ninjas are awesome.
Samurais can suck a big one.
Steven Seagal is a phenomenal actor.
Jim Rome is the best sports commentator ever.
Even though you punched me in the face, you still a little bitch.
AND I'M GLAD THE WHALERS MOVED!

Suck it bitch. Lets rumble!!!
( I love you, but I need to jumpstart things )
( But you did punch me in the face)

This guy hates freedom

Comments:I am furious with your scamming company on behalf of my wife. We purchased the two (removed company name) products that the store said were the correct product to receive the manicure or pedicure voucher. When we enter ed the UPC Codes into the appropriate webpage your scamming system stated t hat these were not the correct product even they were. It stated that they had to be the ones with the special green plastic label and they were. Yo ur stupid Customer Service Supervisor RN (if he really was) said I did not know what I was talking about even though I was reading the webpag e to him. He then said it was the blue numbers on the bottom or top of the products. I told him there were no blue numbers on the top or bottom of e ither bottle. I demanded he send my wife the voucher. He refused and hung up on me. I called back and another representative tried to say that (product removed) did not do this, but some other company. I don't know what kind of con game (removed) is playing on God-fearing American citizens b ut be assured we will never buy anything that you produce unless you immedi ately send a voucher for my wife via overnight mail. A copy of this note i s being saved to use to report your company to the Better Business Bureau a nd the Ohio Attorney General's Office for fraud. You are low down terroris ts. I would rather be robbed by a street thug with a gun to my head than b y you terrorists who hide in your white color jobs and rob people of what t hey are due. At least a street thug does not claims to be anything other t han that. I trust that God brings economic failure to your company to punish you for your treatment of good people.

Doug is a little bitch

Seeing as Doug wants to punt the fucking country into goddamn Armageddon, I'll put this in terms that he can understand. Pussies.

This is what Doug wants you to think will happen if Hussein is elected:

Fuck that shit. This is a better representation of the Obama Crisis:

Fuck you Doug

Twelve. Twelve Mile. Twelve Mile Commute!

All that I want to do is get to work in a reasonable amount of time. That's it. Why is that so hard? Oh let me count the ways. The goddamn roads in NoVa are so over congested with Don Juan De Donthaveavisa and retarded bleach blond soccer moms that it takes me 45-60 minutes to travel 12 miles. Why? Because they are dirty, rotten perpetual brake tappers. Oh, is that a shiny rock? Tap the brakes. Is that dwarf riding a unicycle? Tap the breaks. Is that Osama bin Laden have crazy monkey sex with a manic-depressive flying squirrel? Tap the brakes.
Here is where it gets bad. What is the scariest thing that a brainless, tongue chewing braketapper can see? SOMEONE TAPPING THE BRAKES!!!! Holy freakin shit. Is that person tapping the brakes?!?! "I better come to a complete and total stop, during rush-hour, in the left lane, 1000 yards away from the other scary braketapper. And while I'm at it, why don't I end womens suffrage, slap a baby, push a cripple out of his powerchair, beat my wife, yell at an old lady, kill Jesus, rape the Easter bunny and pee in the hot tub?"
And don't even get me started on the smarmy Asian drivers. Holy hot Christ. My deepest fear in life, my definition of hell, my contrapasso is an 80 year old Asian lady driving an SUV in the rain, at night, while eating, putting on make up, yelling at her 40 grand kids, and talking on the phone. Screw being burned alive, that shit is scary as a mofo.

*Note to any who was offended by this: Get off the fucking road and kill yourself, I need to get to the office. Thanks! =)

USC Denies Receiving Money from Athletic Programs

As the University of Southern California piled up bowl wins and NCAA tournament appearances over the past decade the money in its coffers may have also been piling up.

A source close to the USC athletic department has provided a paper trail that indicates that the Trojans may have received hundreds of millions in cash, donations and ticket sales as a result of its football and basketball programs' success. The University's president, Steven B. Sample, adamantly denies these allegations.

"I don't know anything about it. It caught me by surprise. I've got to get to L.A. to see what's going on. I'm just focusing on the [professor] draft," said Sample.

The source has indicated that University charges admission, sometimes in excess of $100, for their home football and basketball games. These sales bring in upwards of $26.75 million each year, which goes directly into the school's deep pockets, claims the source. That figure does not include money given to the program from boosters or the free publicity that the school receives from its athletic teams' success.

Football coach Pete Carroll personally received $2.5 million annually from the school, according to the source.

"I would just like to know if I did [get money], where did the money go? I am a greedy football coach like everyone else. Anyone who saw me try to coach the New England Patriots would know that I could never manage anything that valuable."

Despite the red-faced stammering of Carroll and basketball coach Tim Floyd the allegations have not disappeared. The NCAA, which prides itself on protecting the amatuerism of athletics, has vowed to look in to the matter.

"The fact that a University may have received monies as a result of their athletic programs is simply an affront to the NCAA and athletics in general. Furthering the matter is that these athletes were never compensated in any meaningful way while the athletic director, coaches and administrators grew fat on the deeds of these fine young men and women. We will not stand for this," proclaimed Myles Brand, the NCAA's completely non-hypocritcal president.

Brand closed his remarks by adding that Division I-A (Bowl Championship Series Division Place Thingy, whatever) football will add a playoff system next year because it was "about freakin' time."

Opening Day is Just Three Weeks Away

Get pumped. It is a mere 15 working days until my defending World Champion Boston Red Sox take on the sure-to-be-miserable Oakland Athletics in Tokyo to kick off the 2008 MLB season. Baseball is by far my favorite sport and it pains me that it is losing currency in America because of the ever-growing popularity of football. What does this tell me? That some people in America are idiots, just look at the clowns we have running this country and it's no surprise that baseball is waning in popularity. People who claim to not like baseball are either one of two things- a communist or a pussy/lacrosse player (it's hard for me to distinguish the two). It's that simple. People claim that it's too slow for them, that's because their twisted-pinko brains are used to watching flashy socialist propoganda films (and/or MTV) that are designed for weak-minded proles who demand instant gratification. Other complaints range from the season is too long to the disparity between the haves and the have-nots is too large. If you hear one of these loonies and want to stand up for your country the correct response to any and all of these complaints is this, "Shut up you anti-American scumbag. Go back to Russia and take your little basket on a stick with you. Don't let the door hit you on the way out."

Anyway, I'm not going to let these crazies bring me down. Baseball is America and America is baseball. I'm going to try to put up a baseball related post daily, these should range from previews to fantasy advice to unadulterated Yankee bashing (although I don't really mind Hank Steinbrenner, he makes me laugh).

Code Pink, Code STFU

A late response to the situation in Berkeley, Ca.

Good lord, this is classic:
"We want to protect our city from the onslaught of the right wing," said Code Pink spokeswoman Zanne Joi. "We're facing people who are willing to kill or send other people's children to kill to get what they want. We understand the reality of that, and we're prepared to face that in a nonviolent way."

Dear Zannie,
Protect your city from the onlaught of the right wing?!?!?!? Is the Republican party mobilizing some secret military force that no one knows about to attack Berkeley? Do you see people with guns running around with elephant flags? No, you silly communist/dejected hippie, no, you certainly don't. What you see is outraged US CITIZENS, fed up with you and your ridiculous animosity towards a government that protects your right be that stupid. Moreover, to be that stupid on purpose and outloud. The sad thing is, you people believe that our government is WRONG for using our VOLUNTEER MILITARY FORCE to protect our safety, interests and well-being. What is it exactly that you are going to "face in a nonviolent way?" I think you, Zanne Joi (can't be your real name), should put down your $9 organic, non-fat, mocha frappachino and go home. I'm sure there are people there that don't want to listen to you either. Kids, Husband, 50 cats......

Here's an idea: Try shutting the F up!

Dear Madea Benjamin,

Shut the fuck up about politics and the wars in Iraq and Afganistan. You have barely a foot to stand on, no valid points, and no idea the sacrifices that our VOLUNTEER standing military force takes on so that YOU can be crazy. Thanks for your compliance.

Sincerely,
The Remaining Sanity in the World


I decided to look up these "Code Pink" looney tunes online and, once the general seething anger receded, I found something on their site that really pisses me off. (by the way, I hope I don't pegged as a commie for going to their site) They have a list of missions or goals that they are pursuing, including: impeaching our president, getting Mr. Cheney fired, blaming global warming (which isn't real) on the war in Iraq, saying that Ms. Rice has blood on her hands, and a plethora of anti-war propaganda and jargon. And towards the bottom I find this:

DARFUR: All Life is Sacred
"My heart aches when I think about tragedy in the lives of so many in Darfur, and how their cries for help go unheeded, especially by the leaders in this country. Our government should do everything in its power to stop the suffering, the pain, the violence." —Medea Benjamin.

IS THIS WOMAN SERIOUS?!?! I am not a military man, but I have friends that serve/have served as well as family members, and I have discussed military history over a cigar before with qualified intelligence officials. It seems to me that this woman is calling for us to take military action in Darfur! Wouldn't that situation be violent and destructive? Would it not cost the lives of Americans and locals? Isn't that what she is bitching about in Iraq? I am not saying go or don't go, but clearly she has no idea what it would take to go into Darfur and secure the region. I am not opposed to US military action solely based on the fact that I trust the people that run our country and our military and if those people deem military action necessary than who am I to argue?
But this woman is arguing that we should walk out of Iraq because she thinks its wrong, unjust and costing American lives and money. Then she has the guts to say we need to step into Darfur? Ridiculous and incongruent! Classic Communist BS!! This woman is clearly insane and is simply hellbent on hating freedom and causing unrest in our society for her own crazy reasons. Someone deport her.

I also found this on the "Code Pink" website (which I now refer to as "crazy irrational communist agitator headquarters") :

"October 4, 2007: Ann Wright, retired U.S. army colonel and former diplomat who quit in opposition to the Iraq war, and Medea Benjamin, co-founder of CODEPINK and founding director of Global Exchange, tested Canada's policy towards US peace activists on Thursday. They were on their way to Toronto at the invitation of the Toronto Stop the War Coalition but were denied entry into Canada due to previous arrests for demonstrating against the Iraq War outside the White House and in the Capitol. Their names have been added to FBI's National Crime Information Center (NCIC) database that apparently dictates Canadian border policy. The border agents at the Rainbow Bridge at Niagara Falls who barred Medea and Ann said the mere fact that they were listed on the NCIC was sufficient to bar them from entry."

Good. Turns out Canada has a pair.

Why the F is toilet paper under lock and key?

I hate you, special locked toilet paper dispenser in my bathroom at work. I hate you so much. Why in the name of everything holy is the TP being locked in my relativley expensive office space in Tyson's Corner, Va? Is there really an imminent threat of people stealing the one-ply sandpaper and stockpiling in at thier homes in case of a massive TP shortage? Is there and underground secondary market for poorly made TP? NO! No there is most certainly not. The real pain in the ass, haha, is the fact that you can't get more that six or eight inches before goddamn lockbox catches and rips you off. I spend more time in the bathroom screaming at the toitet paper dispenser and punching it in the face (it SO has a face) than what I originally came in there for. (obivously to fix my mascara) Se here is a note to the people that manage my building. Stop hoarding the TP and locking what TP you can part with in those god forsaken lock boxes. A lock box is not the answer. (ask Al Gore) So until this atrocity is remedied, I will continue to throw the unused scraps that break off on the floor and you can pick them up.

Rick and Tina go missing!!!

"A Rhode Island college couple who vanished after having Valentine's Day dinner together called a friend, but are still missing MyFOXProvidence reported.
Scott is a student at Johnson and Wales University and Querzoli attends Bridgewater State College.
The 2044 Honda Civic they borrowed had a Johnson and Wales University decal on the back, and was low on gas. The car's New Jersey license plate reads RUF20X."

Of course, Rick and Tina live in Providence, the question is, where the hell did they go? Narragansett Beach? Danny's? PRIMETIME?!?!?!? Lord knows they'll get there fast in that silly 2044 Honda Civic.

Iron My Shirt

Even though this is terrible and sets us back 50 years, Hillary sucks and is the devil in a blue pant-suit.

Look at that monkey run! Part Duex

The owner of the Falcons, who suck because they can't beat the Ain'ts sans Reginald H.W. Bush, let a racist comment slip out last night during an interview with those morons and Kornhieser. Watch this, it's short.
The beauty of the whole thing is the subtle reaction from the other guys in the box. For the rest of the interview, which was an obvious public relations move resulting from the Vick sentencing, everytime that they asked him a question they would "let him think about that one before" he answered. You can do all the talking you want about how your young team is going to do well next year, but if you don't have the foresight not to warn a black quarterback not to "eat fried chicken and french fries" in jail, you have bigger catfish to fry. At least Cosell had street cred. Good job cracka ass cracka.

Don't stop....the Ravens!!!

Tom "i look gay in a cowboy hat" Brady you slippery MF'r. Just because my girlfriend loves you more than me DOES NOT mean that you are supposed get ridiculous 4th down and goal penalty calls. I don't expect anything less from your zombie-like fans then start throwing the ticker tape and firing up the Dick, uh-hum, Duckboats because you yet again scored the winning touchdown in the fourth quarter, leaving your team lacking a loss. But not I. No sir, not I. You almost lost to Philly, you almost lost to Ballmerr (that's how they say it.) I know almost is the key word, Doug. Punt this, asshole.

I'm back and better than ever

Maggies and Gentlemen,

I'm back on the scene. I know that I have been gone for awhile, so put down the tissues and get ready to be slightly offended (just enough to make you laugh uncomfortably). Actually, this may not offend that many people because I would like to make fun of nerds. (a nnnnyerd)
Oh, the glorious pastie, fat, pimply, yet somehow better than you nerd.
Today I am driving to work and some crazy asshole throws the blinker on and swerves into my lane, cutting me off. (cutters) Then, get this, SLOWS DOWN TO THE SAME SPEED AS THE GUY IN THE OTHER LANE. Oh dear Lord, I hate this guy and everything he stands for or pretends to believe in. Here is the breakdown of why I hate this fat assmonkey.
License Plate : BDGAMER (board gamer)
Bumper Sticker: Board Games Bring People Together. At least some of us.
Halitosis : Severe
Weight : One million metric tons
Car : Prius
Sex Life : Right Handed
Ability to impress others: none
Chances of survival in the wild: zero

Now the baby's upset. So this jerk has cut me off, granted I was speeding, and is now blocking me from moving forward. Then I see the other guy. Holy crap:
License Plate : DNDMSTR (D&D Master)
Bumper Sticker: Nerds make the world wide web go-round.
Halitosis : Moderate to Severe
Weight : A single metric ton
Car : Subaru Fiero? (the camaro one)
Sex Life : ambidextrous (makes him a real playa in Nerdville)
Ability to impress others: none
Chances of survival in the wild: one

So I politely blast my horn and start screaming obscenities at the top of my lungs. Now, normally I would start swerving erratically and flashing my lights, but BDGAMER slows down and gets in the right lane. He looks over to me as I pass him and mouths, "Fuck you meathead" or butthead.
Now here's the thing kiddos, what really pissed me off, was that he cut me off and yet is somehow taking the moral high ground because I "bullied" him with my horn. Here's an idea.....Learn How To F'ing Drive like a man. We are not riding chariots through the World of Warcraft shooting arrows at Orcs and Goblins, or playing tummy sticks with Harry Potter, we are driving at seventy miles an hour in a REAL car on a REAL road when I am REALLY late to my REAL job so I can afford my lovely REAL girlfriend and her REAL shopping issues. Just because you can still do long division, still remember your homeroom teacher, still have your yearbook next to your bed, and can beat me in a board game by casting imaginary spells, does NOT make you a better person than me. Okay, so some jerk took your lunch money, sorry, wasn't me. I would have, but it wasn't me. So take the Hillary 08 and Drive Green bumper stickers off your car, take a shower, throw the games in the garbage and do what normal losers do. Go to a bar alone, drink alone, and go home alone. Take you're better-than-you-because-I-am-smart-and-drive-a-Prius-and-like-dudes attitude and stick it up your ass. Nerds will inherit the earth? No, Bill Gates did, Steve Jobs did, You Did Not.

My dad can kick your dads ass

Maggie and I were IM'ing headlines to eachother about violence in Massachusetts this weekend. Conversation quickly turned for the worse:

Maggie131313 (3:55:09 PM): http://www.boston.com/news/globe/city_region/breaking_news/2007/11/massive_search.html
DTMcCrann (3:55:50 PM): wow
DTMcCrann (3:58:07 PM): did you see all the other one
Maggie131313 (3:58:20 PM): to
DTMcCrann (3:58:10 PM): s
Maggie131313 (3:58:27 PM): ?
DTMcCrann (3:58:15 PM): on the left
Maggie131313 (3:58:27 PM): no
Maggie131313 (3:58:40 PM): no
DTMcCrann (3:58:56 PM): Party ended with a fight -- and a fatal gunshot
DTMcCrann (3:59:03 PM): Two dead after Worcester shooting
DTMcCrann (3:59:10 PM): Lawrence teen charged in fatal shooting
Maggie131313 (3:59:33 PM): awesome
DTMcCrann (3:59:24 PM): Salem police: stabbings and shooting unrelated to Halloween festivities
DTMcCrann (3:59:26 PM): Party ended with a fight -- and a fatal gunshot
Maggie131313 (3:59:43 PM): yes i see
DTMcCrann (3:59:33 PM): Dorchester pizza shop owner shot in head while chasing robber
DTMcCrann (3:59:38 PM): sweet state you got there
Maggie131313 (3:59:58 PM): oh shut the fuck up
DTMcCrann (3:59:48 PM): haha
DTMcCrann (3:59:54 PM): it's worse in DC
Maggie131313 (4:00:07 PM): DC is soooo classy
Maggie131313 (4:00:08 PM): NO
Maggie131313 (4:00:14 PM): i'm from cohasset
Maggie131313 (4:00:18 PM): let's get serious
DTMcCrann (4:00:06 PM): Rich bitch
DTMcCrann (4:00:13 PM): I'm from GF
DTMcCrann (4:00:26 PM): the richest town in the richest county in the country
Maggie131313 (4:00:42 PM): yeah except you moved away like 10 yrs ago....
DTMcCrann (4:00:34 PM): yeah
DTMcCrann (4:00:40 PM): well you lived in NH
DTMcCrann (4:00:43 PM): redneck
Maggie131313 (4:00:59 PM): ummm
Maggie131313 (4:01:00 PM): no i didnt
Maggie131313 (4:01:03 PM): i lived in vermont
DTMcCrann (4:00:54 PM): oh yeah
DTMcCrann (4:00:56 PM): hippie
DTMcCrann (4:01:01 PM): HA
Maggie131313 (4:01:14 PM): ted-i'm better than you
Maggie131313 (4:01:21 PM): just get it through your head and shut up
DTMcCrann (4:01:09 PM): my dad can kick your dads ass
Maggie131313 (4:01:38 PM): dunc cant take ed
DTMcCrann (4:01:31 PM): fuck you he can't
Maggie131313 (4:01:43 PM): ed would eat dunc for breakfast
Maggie131313 (4:01:51 PM): in between the nails and screws
DTMcCrann (4:01:49 PM): My dad KNOWS the lord
DTMcCrann (4:01:51 PM): personall
DTMcCrann (4:01:52 PM): y
Maggie131313 (4:02:15 PM): no thats your mom
DTMcCrann (4:02:15 PM): my dad played college football
DTMcCrann (4:02:21 PM): my dad is a fireman
Maggie131313 (4:02:34 PM): my grandfather played for the boston red sox
Maggie131313 (4:02:35 PM): EAT IT
DTMcCrann (4:02:25 PM): my dad is a ninja
DTMcCrann (4:02:37 PM): my grandfather killed people
Maggie131313 (4:02:55 PM): sweet
Maggie131313 (4:02:58 PM): i could kill people if i wanted
DTMcCrann (4:02:50 PM): no you couldn't
Maggie131313 (4:03:04 PM): but you couldnt play for the bosox if you wanted
DTMcCrann (4:02:52 PM): pussy
Maggie131313 (4:03:08 PM): so i win
DTMcCrann (4:02:59 PM): neither could you
Maggie131313 (4:03:19 PM): nope i couldnt
DTMcCrann (4:03:07 PM): cause you're a stupid girl
Maggie131313 (4:03:24 PM): but MY grandfather could
Maggie131313 (4:03:25 PM): not yours
Maggie131313 (4:03:26 PM): mine
DTMcCrann (4:03:17 PM): stupid smelly girl
Maggie131313 (4:03:34 PM): girls do not smell
DTMcCrann (4:03:29 PM): my grandfather played football too
DTMcCrann (4:03:36 PM): against the four horseman
Maggie131313 (4:03:55 PM): good fr him
DTMcCrann (4:04:08 PM): i hate you
DTMcCrann (4:04:13 PM): we are so over
Maggie131313 (4:04:31 PM): hmmm
Maggie131313 (4:04:32 PM): ok
DTMcCrann (4:04:24 PM): good

Attention Liberals!

You will not be able to vote for Bill Clinton next year! I know that many of you get sexually excited when you see the name Clinton on the ballot, but please remember that your voting for Hillary "I eat babies for breakfast because I hate freedom and have absolutely no idea how to run a country" Rodham Clinton. I repeat, you're not voting for Bill. I sort of understand where you are coming from. We all did very well during those eight years. But let us not forget the effect of previous administrations economic and foreign policies.(shut up Dougthepunter) I'm not saying that Clinton was bad, I'm just saying that a mans ability to bang fat ugly horse-face women does not qualify him for the presidency. On top of that, pun intended, Hillary did not "stand by her husband in the face of adversity," she lets her husband bang fat chicks because she she can't stop him and she hooked up with Billy Jean King in college. (oops, true story) Either way, Bill knew what he was doing. He had experience. (too easy) But leadership qualities and charisma are not STD's, Hillary doesn't have them. Just because Bill is living in the White House does not mean he will be running the country. Why would he want to? Look what he did last time! If he doesn't have any responsibilities at all, the he'll be knee-deep in fried Bologna sandwiches and large women in no time. Anyway, I figured that I would let you all know that because judging by the recent poles, you morons have no idea what the hell your talking about. Not to mention having no interest in protecting America's borders, economy, foreign policy, taxes, GDP, freedom, or free trips to the salad bar. (Thanks Draws) Just do me a favor, take all of your wishful thinking and aspirations about have a woman president to California and start roasting marshmallows you dirty, stinking hippies. I don't care about what gender the President is, man or woman, just not Hillary. Please not Hillary.