Tuesday, May 13, 2008

USC Denies Receiving Money from Athletic Programs

As the University of Southern California piled up bowl wins and NCAA tournament appearances over the past decade the money in its coffers may have also been piling up.

A source close to the USC athletic department has provided a paper trail that indicates that the Trojans may have received hundreds of millions in cash, donations and ticket sales as a result of its football and basketball programs' success. The University's president, Steven B. Sample, adamantly denies these allegations.

"I don't know anything about it. It caught me by surprise. I've got to get to L.A. to see what's going on. I'm just focusing on the [professor] draft," said Sample.

The source has indicated that University charges admission, sometimes in excess of $100, for their home football and basketball games. These sales bring in upwards of $26.75 million each year, which goes directly into the school's deep pockets, claims the source. That figure does not include money given to the program from boosters or the free publicity that the school receives from its athletic teams' success.

Football coach Pete Carroll personally received $2.5 million annually from the school, according to the source.

"I would just like to know if I did [get money], where did the money go? I am a greedy football coach like everyone else. Anyone who saw me try to coach the New England Patriots would know that I could never manage anything that valuable."

Despite the red-faced stammering of Carroll and basketball coach Tim Floyd the allegations have not disappeared. The NCAA, which prides itself on protecting the amatuerism of athletics, has vowed to look in to the matter.

"The fact that a University may have received monies as a result of their athletic programs is simply an affront to the NCAA and athletics in general. Furthering the matter is that these athletes were never compensated in any meaningful way while the athletic director, coaches and administrators grew fat on the deeds of these fine young men and women. We will not stand for this," proclaimed Myles Brand, the NCAA's completely non-hypocritcal president.

Brand closed his remarks by adding that Division I-A (Bowl Championship Series Division Place Thingy, whatever) football will add a playoff system next year because it was "about freakin' time."


Ted said...

I'm so confused that I am scared right now.

Doug the Punter said...

It's my little commentary (in satirical form, no less) about how these schools get rich off of these kids and then someone like OJ Mayo takes a couple grand from a booster and he's lambasted as a sleaze. I say to any college athlete out there: get while the getting is good because all the coaches and administrators are getting rich off your work.