I don't know Lloyd, the French are assholes.

Sounds like the French are taking a break from surrendering to plan their roads with amazing hilarity. If you cruise through the article here you'll see what I mean.

French hosehound does something kinda funny

So the French have dumped diplomacy in exchange for using city planing to take little jabs at each other. In a classic case of "hold me back"--where you say you're gonna fight someone but in reality you are just praying that your friends will hold you back long enough for the bouncers to throw everyone out of the club, where you continue to scream obscene things as you book it to a cab and thank god you didn't just get the shit beat out of you--two warring cities have placed one way streets that face each other. They outsourced the planning to the great great great grandson of the man that planned the streets in Boston, Seamus the Drunken Dancing Leprechaun the Sixth. Who, coincidentally, used the same tools for the planning of the roads as his predecessor, 18 pints of Guinness, a DUI arrest, an angry Polynesian hooker, a crayon and some construction paper.
While I'm at it, since our special teams writer apparently doesn't have enough vacation days from his 'freelance writing' job to read or write this blog, I would like to add this:

Tom Brady is gay.
Bill Belichick is a cheating hooker with a sex tape.
Manny Rameriz is a lazy bitch.
David Ortiz is fat.
The Boston Garden is a terrible venue.
The long chicken sandwich? It long chicken sucks ass.
Special Teams doesn't count.
France sucks.
Authority is awesome.
Bush was a genius.
Obama sucks.
The sky is green.
Ninjas are awesome.
Samurais can suck a big one.
Steven Seagal is a phenomenal actor.
Jim Rome is the best sports commentator ever.
Even though you punched me in the face, you still a little bitch.
AND I'M GLAD THE WHALERS MOVED!

Suck it bitch. Lets rumble!!!
( I love you, but I need to jumpstart things )
( But you did punch me in the face)

I'm back, bitches

OK, so it's been about six months since Freglomerica last exploded into your brain. In the interval a lot of very fascinating stuff has happened to your intrepid punter. And by "a lot of very fascinating stuff" I mean alcohol and by "has happened" I mean poisoning. Kinda, seriously, call my mom, she'll tell you. A lot has also gone down in the grand scheme of things. Let's check the scorecard:


-America elected its first black president: +20 points.
-Said president is a Democrat: -5.
-Democrats are just as frustrating/annoying/bad at governing as Republicans: -15.
-Red Sox make the playoffs without Manny: +3.
-Red Sox make it to the ALCS sans Manny: +5.
-Red Sox lose to Devil Rays in ALCS without Manny: -5.
-Manny absolutely murders the NL: +5.
-Manny carries Dodgers to NLCS: +5.
-Manny loses to Phillies, setting up Philly vs. Tampa for the World Series: -6.
-Manny still isn't signed and people are acting like he's Hitler: -10.
-Holy Taco breaks ground on new stadium: +10
-Patriots get set to avenge Super Bowl loss: +2.
-Tom Brady's knee explodes seven minutes into first game: -a billion.
-Pats gut out an 11-5 season but miss playoffs: 0.
-Peyton Manning wins MVP but loses in first round, the story of his life: +5.
-Cardinals make the Super Bowl: +4.
-But lose to hated Steelers: -6.
-Sarah Palin names child after Bristol, CT because that's where ESPN is headquartered: Mrs. Palin, what you've just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Final tally: +12 minus a billion??

Anyway, this is not a complete scorecard so I expect to update this shortly. Let it be known that Doug the Punter is back and blogging. Shout it from the rooftops, kids. And if I stop writing then feel free to make fun of me in the comments in the most personal, degrading way possible. We're all in this together.

Manny Withdrawal Support Group

As I mentioned in my last post there are some burning questions to which I need answers.

How do I treat Jason Bay?

How long do I hold a grudge against ownership/management?

I'm I trying to have my proverbial cake and eat it too?

Why is everyone siding with management?

Is it wrong for us to have that countdown clock?

Am I being a bad fan?

Who does Theo Epstein think he is?

When can I take my Manny jersey off? (hint: never)

When am I allowed to sober up?

I don't know the answers to any of these questions but I'm sure I'll delve into them over the next couple of weeks. Fucking thing, sucks!

I'm I stupid or is everyone else stupid

I like Peter Gammons, I have nothing but respect for the man but his most recent article on Manny is a total and complete piece of garbage. In it he claims that the Red Sox had no chance whatsoever of making the playoffs with Manny this year. Is he insane? Has he gone senile? He claims that Manny would've held the team hostage for the next couple months with his antics. Oh, I'm sorry he didn't fucking set a record for his hustle to first base against Lackey the other night. It would've really mattered too because the guy after him hit a home run that would've given the Red Sox a 2-1 lead. Oh wait, the sox were losing 6-0 at the time and the next hitter also grounded out.

Gammons also asks this ludicrous question: "Was it worse to take performance-enhancing drugs to perform better and win, or to decline to play and steal money?" STEAL MONEY? STEAL MONEY? HE FUCKING WON THEM TWO GODDAMN WORLD SERIES. Also it goes without saying that taking steroids is much worse than not hustling down the line (the fact that he raised the question is beyond comprehension). I know its fashionable and all to not give older guys extensions nowadays but if anyone ever desereved one before the season it was Manny fucking Ramirez. This ownership group is so fucking full of themselves its re-goddamn-diculous. They are the ones who acted like spoiled brats by not appreciating what Manny has done for them. Sure, Manny can be a handful and a pain in the ass but so what? He wins baseball games. Sorry he couldn't cure AIDS and lower gas prices while he was at it.

The real question, which I will get into in much more depth tomorrow, is how do I approach the rest of this season. I still love the players on the Red Sox and still like the team but the ownership can go fuck themselves for all I care. They drove their best player out of town. But if they make the playoffs I'm going to have to deal with all these Manny-haters saying, "I told you so." And I fucking hate being told I told you so. This fucking sucks.

Also what's this with everyone talking management's side in this case. No love for the working man? Fucking scabs. I wish I was at Fenway for Bay's first game. That fucking canuck. I'd yell, "The Bruins play down the street you fucking hoser!" And start Manny's Better chants all fucking night.

FUCK!!!!

Farewell, Sweet Manny

Well all the fucking retarded media types and arrogant Red Sox ownership/management just got their wish. They traded away the best hitter Boston had since Ted Williams (yes, better than Yaz). All he ever did was win two fucking World Series' for this ungrateful group but because the previous owners/general managers signed Manny they never liked him. They tried to give him away since day one and when he delivered season after season they ignored his accomplishments and acted like the ingrate that they claimed Manny was.

Yeah, it was always an adventure in the outfield for Manny. Yeah, he was never very open with the media and got summarily ripped for it but who fucking cares. Let me tell you kids about another Boston left fielder whose defense was criticized and the media hated. His name was TED FUCKING WILLIAMS!!!!! And Manny has brought more titles to Boston than him!!!!

So in the end Boston got two titles and Manny got $168 million. Yeah that's a ton of money but when you think about how much cash the team made off Manny's accomplishments its a drop in the fucking bucket. Hell, I spent at least $2.7 million on World Series merchandise. Yet the owners wanted Manny to keep kissing their asses when it should be the other way around.

RBIs and World Championships. That's what Manny does. Unfortunately it will be some fucking crazy left coasters who don't give a shit about the Dodgers who will be benefiting from it now. Anyone who thinks that this is Manny's fault should shoot themselves in the fucking face. Anyone who thinks it was the ownership who stored up enough goodwill points with the fans that we should just accept whatever they tell us has things ass backwards. It's Manny who should get the benefit of the doubt. Epstein can trade for Orlando Cabrera all day every day but it was Manny who won that fucking world series. Not those arrogant pricks in the luxury boxes.

Anyway, goodbye, Manny. You were too beautiful for this town. There's at least one fan out there who will miss you. I'll see you in Cooperstown.

Reason #14,738 Why I Love Manny

During a pitching change in the 6th inning of yesterday's game Manny decided to make a couple calls inside the monster. I would cut off my left hand to be in Manny's five.

Defensive lessons from Manny

I saw this at the excellent Red Sox blog Fire Brand of the American League. They had a cartoonist illustrate possible reasons for Julio Lugo's struggles in the field. This one tickled my funny bone:
Potential Reason #4: Someone’s been taking defense lessons from Manny.

Cartoon by Samara Pearlstein

Americo is now American

As a life-long citizen of America I would like to welcome one of our newest members, David Americo Ortiz. Yesterday Big Papi became a U.S. Citizen at a ceremony in Boston. Leave it to Papi to be on the DL but still find a way to make big things happen. Congratulations to you, Mr. Ortiz (and to the 226 other immigrants who gained citizenship at the ceremony yesterday).


Ortiz is now part of the country that claims George Washington, the Wright Brothers, Jesse Owens, Audie Murphy, Martin Luther King Jr., and Manny Ramirez as some of her favorite sons.

Best of Manny Being Manny

Here's a highlight reel of the best of Manny's hijinks.




Does it get any better than that? I say, it does not.

Manny Being Awesome

This is why I love Manny. The guy is just out there having a good time. Once he's at the plate he's all business but in the field? That's where Manny goes to relax. I say, "Frig off," to anyone who thinks this play is anything other than awesome.



You can't really see it on this video but that was a great throw to the cutoff man. Manny, fundamentally sound.