Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Awkward Time with the KC Royals

A couple weeks ago my buddy asked for my address because he was going to mail me a present; the only thing I knew about it was that it would take 2-3 weeks for delivery. So lo and behold last night when a nondescript package arrived at my house and I opened it to find the most awkward/homoerotic calendar in the history of earth: The 2008 Kansas City Royals Charity Calendar. Now on its face it might seem like this calendar would be a harmless compilation of baseball action photos, however it is instead a collection of uncomfortable glamor shots of Royals players wearing casual clothing and hanging out in an factory basement of some kind. I like to think that this photo shoot led to recreation of the fashion show scene from Slapshot:

Mark Grudzielanek: I'm going to flash 'em, Dayton!
Dayton Moore (KC GM): No, you're not.
Mark Grudzielanek: I'm gonna walk down that stinkin' runway, open up this faggot robe and wiggle my dick at 'em! And do you know why? Because I want you to have a heart-attack and die so we don't have to do this shit again! You and your fucking photo shoots!

Anyway the actual pictures from the calendar aren't on the Interweb but thankfully there are "outtake" photos, so let's dive in:

Brandon Duckworth, P

Poor Brandon, he went all out with the shooters and now he's not even on the 40-man roster. Just goes to show that it doesn't matter how cool you are, you still need talent to make a baseball team, even one as poor as the Kansas City Royals.

Ryan Braun, P

The Fake Ryan Braun. Like Mr. Duckworth (quack, quack, quack) Mr. Braun is not with the big league club at the moment despite his thin beard, androgynous watch, and superior flexibility.

Luke Hochevar, P

"I don't know if you heard me, I did over 1,000, that's a lot."

John Buck, C

Nothing says casual like hanging out in a cold basement in a $15 folding chair.

Mark Teahen, RF

"Shhh, don't tell anyone how incredibly mediocre I am."

Billy Butler, 1B/DH

The photo of Billy in the actual calendar makes you even more uncomfortable, if that's at all possible.

David DeJeus, OF & John Buck, C
That must be the wreath from the Royals' 2007 Christmas/Eliminated from the 2008 Playoffs Party.
"Give me back my wreath, damn you!"

And just when you thought it couldn't get more awkward utility infielder Mark Grudzielanek proves you wrong, so very very wrong:

If that's what the cut out, what they left in must be pure gold. For more awkwardness visit royals.com/calendar

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