Wednesday, April 23, 2008

UPDATE#1: Champions of Breakfast

UPDATED W/ ROTATION (11:30, 4/24)

I'm not exactly sure why I'm doing this but I decided to assemble a baseball roster full of the best talent breakfast cereal characters had to offer and then write up a scouting report on them. Don't ask questions, just enjoy the ride:


1. Trix Rabbit (Trix) -SS- 6-4, 195 S/R (Bats/Throws)
MLB Analogue: Jose Reyes

Trix Rabbit is everything you want in a shortstop/leadoff man. He's got excellent speed, a plus glove, and even a bit of pop in his bat. His maturation into an elite player is a testament to his perseverance. He had a seriously deprived childhood and was taunted mercilessly by ruthless neighborhood children who didn't know the meaning of sharing. Trix was able to convert his insatiable hunger for the cereal bearing his name into a positive force pushing him towards a championship.

2. Coco the Monkey (Coco Crispies) -LF- 6-0, 170 S/R
MLB Analogue: Coco Crisp (obviously)

An elite defender with very good speed Coco has proven himself very useful to the club over the years. His bat is slipping a bit but he's still able to get the job done in the 2-hole. His success is even more remarkable considering his life long battle with diabetes, which he has had ever since he ate two bowls of Coco Crispies AND drank all the milk in a 24-hour span.

3. Tony the Tiger (Frosted Flakes) -1B- 6-4, 235 R/R
MLB Analogue: Derrek Lee

Perhaps the best conditioned athlete in the entire league, Tony is a true force in the middle of the lineup having averaged .337/32/115 each of the past four seasons. He is a leader in the clubhouse but is affected heavily by S.A.D. (Season Affective Disorder). When it rains Tony's personality and hitting prowress go limp within minutes of being introduced to liquid.

4. Michael Jordan (Wheaties) -CF- 6-6, 205 R/R
MLB Analogue: Michael Jordan

Jordan is unquestionably the best player in baseball having won the MVP and a gold glove for five consecutive seasons. Yeah he only hit .202 with 3 HR in his year in the minors but he's Michael freakin' Jordan, he can do anything he wants. And its not like the rest of this article is based in reality.

5. Fraken Berry (Frankenberry) -DH- 6-5, 260 L/R
MLB Analogue: Frank Thomas

A prototypical DH, Franken Berry moves at a glacial pace but that doesn't much matter when all he has to do is trot around the bases. He's averaged 45 HR over the past 6 seasons and doesn't show any signs of slowing down. He can be a minor distraction in the clubhouse around Mother's Day each year when he and the commissioner's office inevitably feud about his refusal to regal himself in pink wristbands. In his defense, Franken Berry is already completely pink.

6. Sugar Bear (Sugar (Golden) Crisp) -3B- 6-1, 190 R/R
MLB Analogue: Pedro Feliz

A solid, no-frills player, Sugar Bear has played in all but three of the club's games over the past five seasons. A competent gloveman and a solid bat Sugar Bear doesn't put butts in the seats but he is an integral part of the team.

7. Cookie Crisp Crook (Cookie Crisp) -RF- 6-4, 205 L/L
MLB Analogue: Josh Hamilton

After battling legal problems for years the supremely talented Crook is finally with the big club. He is a major question mark heading into the season but if he can overcome his serious cookie addiction he could put this team over the top. Also, management must keep their eye on his long standing feud with backup outfielder Officer Krum.

8. Cap'n Crunch (Cap'n Crunch) -C- 6-2, 210 S/R
MLB Analogue: Jason Varitek

The Cap'n is the captain of the squad and for good reason, he has navigated the club through a number of shaky seasons while preventing them from succumbing to sogginess, which has prevented many talented clubs from becoming the Champions of the Breakfast Table. Cap'n is getting up there in age but he is as essential to the team as anyone.

9. Toucan Sam (Froot Loops) -2B- 5-8, 180 R/R
MLB Analogue: Ronnie Belliard

Sam isn't the most talented player in the field or at the plate (he was just .265/12/59 last year) but he is the one who keeps everybody smiling in the clubhouse with his practical jokes, off-color humor, and multi-colored beak. He also adds some much needed fruitiness (the good kind) to the lineup.


#1. Count Chocula (Count Chocula) -LHP- 6-10, 225 (R/L)
MLB Analogue: Randy Johnson

A true number one starter the Count has led the league in strikeouts every year since he was discovered by a scout while playing semi-pro ball in Central Romania sometime in the 15th century. He has a two strikeout pitches, his plus plus fastball and nearly unhittable slider. The only knock on the Count are his day/night splits. (HI-O!)

#2. Lucky (Lucky Charms) -RHP- 6-0, 185 (R/R)
MLB Analogue: Daisuke Matsuzaka

Lucky doesn't throw that hard (his fastball tops out at 92) but he more than makes up for it with his wide variety of pitches, including the Heart Heater (2-seam), Horseshoe Curve, Blue Moon Slider, Clover Change, and his patented Red Baloon Eephus pitch. Lucky's career was seriously derailed several years ago when he was committed to an asylum because of his dangerous bouts with paranoia.

#3. Cornelius (Corn Flakes) -LHP- 6-9, 230 (L/L)
MLB Analogue: Mark Hendrickson

An aging, lefty thumber Cornelius never lived up to the expectations he made for himself when he burst onto the scene with a remarkable rookie season (19-7, 2.61 ERA, 287 K). He has seen the game pass him by but to his credit he has been a reliable, if not spectacular, pitcher, having topped the 200 IP mark all but once in his career. In the clubhouse Cornelius is very quiet and, like 1B Tony the Tiger, is afflicted with S.A.D.

#4. Fred Flintstone (Fruity/Cocoa Pebbles) -RHP- 6-2, 225 (R/R)
MLB Analogue: Livan Hernandez

The definition of an innings eater Flintstone has had to struggle for every out. After being discovered playing for Mr. Slate's team in the Rock Pile Softball League he became one of the leagues oldest rookies when he debuted at the tender age of 28. He won't wow anyone and is relegated to the bullpen come playoff time but is nevertheless an essential part of the squad.

#5. Honey Nut Bee (Honey Nut Cheerios) -RHP- 5-10, 160 (R/R)
MLB Analogue: Greg Maddux

Honey Nut Bee never had electric stuff but has survived in the league thanks to guile and a rubber arm that allows him to be spot started on short rest, eat innings in blowouts, and contribute if a game goes to extras. Despite his commitment to the team, he is mercilessly harassed in the clubhouse because he's one of the most annoying players in the game.


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