This Saturday night/Sunday morning is the HOUR THAT DOESN’T COUNT. For those of you who are unfamiliar with how to spend the HOUR THAT DOESN’T COUNT, I have two things to say to you 1) kill yourself and 2) umm, actually I guess it was only one thing. The HOUR THAT DOESN’T COUNT is probably the greatest thing that has ever happened to anyone, anywhere. There is literally an hour that doesn’t exist that runs from 1 am to 2 am. At 2 the clock is set back to 1 so that hour never existed so there are no fucking rules. NONE. You can do whatever, which presents us with one small problem. What to do with your time. Ahh, the paralysis of choice. Luckily, your friend Doug the Punter has returned to guide you, the intrepid reader, through the HOUR THAT DOESN’T COUNT. The choices are many, actually four. A list, in order of least awesome to most awesome.
4) Drink so much you throw up.
On the surface this appears to be a fine idea. Who doesn’t like to toe the line between blacked out and alcohol poisoning? However, there is one problem. If you’re drinking hard you should have probably puked before 1 am. Puking early on is the number-one key to a great time because not only will you be able to drink a ton more after you throw up, you will feel better (I promise) AND you won’t have to work out the next day. It is your classic win-win-win. So if you decided to waste some of the hour that doesn’t count in the bathroom puking you’ve already lost, it’s only 60 minutes goddamnit.
3) Call your ex.
Always a fan favorite. This one is pretty self-explanatory. It’s the HOUR THAT DOESN’T COUNT, remember? Call her up and tell her your sorry you threw up on her at her sister’s wedding (although it was really her fault, she should have known better to let you near the open bar). Tell her that the doctor gave you prescription deodorant so that shouldn’t be an issue anymore. Tell her you got your stomach stapled. OR you can go in the other direction and tell her off. The choice is yours. Either way you don’t have to feel bad about drunk-dialing your ex when you wake up the next day because it was the hour that doesn’t count.
2) Eat so much you throw up.
Not to be confused with drinking so much you throw up. This is entirely different. During the hour that doesn’t count find as much food as you can and put it in your mouth. Just eat until you think you hate yourself. Now you’re asking me, “Say Doug, what do I do now that I just ate $70 worth of food?” Well, there are two options. You can either A) pass out with half a crab Rangoon hanging from your lip and your hair styled with BK Stacker sauce or B) make yourself throw up. I strongly recommend option B because since you threw up during the HOUR THAT DOESN’T COUNT it means that you don’t have an eating disorder/serious problem. Don’t you fucking judge me.
1a) Hit on chicks like there is no tomorrow.
I am not the smoothest person with the ladies but for one hour out of every year I’m like Miles fucking Davis. Why? I’ll let you in on my secret. THIS HOUR DOES NOT COUNT. Top this fact off with the fact that chicks think the hour that doesn’t count is the funniest/greatest pickup line ever. Tell a chick they should go home with you because it’s the hour that doesn’t count and she will. I promise. If it doesn’t work, you’re welcome, because that chick is a dude. I don’t know what it is but somewhere in the chick brain the hour that doesn’t count makes perfect sense; they love it. Top it off with this year it falling on Halloween and it’s the fucking 50-year storm. Bode would be proud.
1b) Beat your children.
Because you know they deserve it. If your spouse complains, beat them. It’s the HOUR THAT DOESN’T COUNT. It’s all legal, I promise, some guy I knew told me.
Anyway I wish each and every one of you success this year.