Ted's New Job

Looks like this article dashes Ted's hopes of playing in the NHL.

P.S. I had no idea you could use the word "Pussy" in the Wall Street Journal.

Todd Collins Safari Planet!!!

That white man looks like a quarterback. I want to see that man throw some footballs. Yes, ladies and gents, the freakin' Redskins have a shot at the playoffs. And they are NINE point underdogs agains those that shall not be named. It's no F U road show, but it works for me. Be back later.

From a chain e-mail.

I didn't write this.
-Ted
A man whose family was German aristocracy prior to World War Two owned a number of large industries and estates. When asked how many German people were true Nazis, the answer he gave can guide our attitude toward fanaticism.

"Very few people were true Nazis "he said," but many enjoyed the return of German pride, and many more were too busy to care. I was one of those who just thought the Nazis were a bunch of fools. So, the majority just sat back and let it all happen. Then, before we knew it, they owned us, and we had lost control, and the end of the world had come. My family lost everything. I ended up in a concentration camp and the Allies destroyed my factories."

We are told again and again by "experts" and "talking heads" that Islam is the religion of peace, and that the vast majority of Muslims just want to live in peace.

Although this unqualified assertion may be true, it is entirely irrelevant. It is meaningless fluff, meant to make us feel better, and meant to somehow diminish the specter of fanatics rampaging across the globe in the name of Islam. The fact is that the fanatics rule Islam at this moment in history.

It is the fanatics who march. It is the fanatics who wage any one of 50 shooting wars worldwide. It is the fanatics who systematically slaughter Christian or tribal groups throughout Africa and are gradually taking over the entire continent in an Islamic wave. It is the fanatics who bomb, behead, murder, or honor kill. It is the fanatics who take over mosque after mosque. It is the fanatics who zealously spread the stoning and hanging of rape victims and homosexuals. The hard quantifiable fact is that the "peaceful majority" the "silent majority" is cowed and extraneous.

Communist Russia comprised Russians who just wanted to live in peace, yet the Russian Communists were responsible for the murder of about 20 million people. The peaceful majority were irrelevant. China's huge population was peaceful as well, but Chinese Communists managed to kill a staggering 70 million people.

The average Japanese individual prior to World War 2 was not a War mongering sadist. Yet, Japan murdered and slaughtered its way across South East Asia in an orgy of killing that included the systematic murder of 12 million Chinese civilians; most killed by sword, shovel and bayonet.

And, who can forget Rwanda , which collapsed into butchery. Could it not be said that the majority of Rwandans were "peace loving"?

History lessons are often incredibly simple and blunt, yet for all our powers of reason we often miss the most basic and uncomplicated of points: Peace-loving Muslims have been made irrelevant by their silence.

Peace-loving Muslims will become our enemy if they don't speak up, because like my friend from Germany , they will awake one day and find that the fanatics own them, and the end of their world will have begun.

Peace-loving Germans, Japanese, Chinese, Russians, Rwandans, Serbs, Afghans, Iraqis, Palestinians, Somalis, Nigerians, Algerians, and many others have died because the peaceful majority did not speak up until it was too late.

As for us who watch it all unfold; we must pay attention to the only group that counts; the fanatics who threaten our way of life.

That's a Doug the Punter original piece of artwork

New York Yankees 2000 World Series Champions*

Snow Day Bitches

I went to a boarding school and then to a college in Virginia so I haven't had a snow day in nearly a decade and, barring some miraculous heat wave, I should get a half one today. I am freaking pumped. Thank you mother nature for this storm that threatens to clog highways, kill people, and freeze hobos across New England. (The Frozen Hobos would be a great name for a band, by the way). My personal happiness is much more important than some dead transients. I can't wait to go home and do absolutely nothing.

S-N-O-W D-A-Y. Snow Day, Bitches.

P.S. Back with more Real World tomorrow.

Company Christmas Parties

So.....you ever go to your company Christmas party and get drunk? Have you ever not been sure whether or not you made an ass out of yourself? I'll let you know tomorrow fuckers...
This was me.

When all else fails, ride your cooler home.

I don't have enough time right now to do this justice. So look and imagine I said something funny about rednecks. And cutters...

Look at that monkey run! Part Duex

The owner of the Falcons, who suck because they can't beat the Ain'ts sans Reginald H.W. Bush, let a racist comment slip out last night during an interview with those morons and Kornhieser. Watch this, it's short.
The beauty of the whole thing is the subtle reaction from the other guys in the box. For the rest of the interview, which was an obvious public relations move resulting from the Vick sentencing, everytime that they asked him a question they would "let him think about that one before" he answered. You can do all the talking you want about how your young team is going to do well next year, but if you don't have the foresight not to warn a black quarterback not to "eat fried chicken and french fries" in jail, you have bigger catfish to fry. At least Cosell had street cred. Good job cracka ass cracka.

Step one: Put Cat in Wok

mmm mmm chinese food....

Sandwich for the ages.

Everyone has a thing that they do to make themselves feel better. Some people work out, some listen to music, some people cut themselves. Well, for me personally, it has to be something a little more internal. Literally. I go for a sandwich. My never fail option for gluttonous, self-serving glory. It takes a little from each of the previous three options, it's a workout to get the whole thing down in less than a minute, I hum while a chew(or swallow whole) and it hurts my stomach(cutters.) I would like everyone to see the sandwich that got me through last Thursdays debacle at work. (I can't get into what happened at work, but I will say that it sent me on a murderous rampage of sandwich eating that started with this picture and ended with a Subway Feast at ten PM.) Enjoy.

Now the baby's upset.

A little reminder for those of you who piss me off. Print it and post it.

Local Man Bored at Work

WATERBURY, CT- An area man working for an accounting firm has officially become bored.

Doug Sweeney, a recent college graduate, spent much of the morning browsing around his favorite Websites in lieu of checking invoices for accounts receivable but in doing so inadvertently read every article he was interested in by 1 p.m. leaving him four hours of time to kill.

"I spent about an hour this morning checking those invoices but I got tired of that pretty quickly so I figured I would cruise the Web. Little did I know that by early afternoon I would run out of internet," said the visibly-bored 22-year-old.

Sweeney claims to have visited a wide variety of sites, ranging from ESPN to the Drudge Report, and absorbed every worthwhile piece of content available. He also spent about 45 minutes updating his fantasy football and basketball teams.

Sweeney, who also works as a part-time writer, says his work day may have climaxed while contemplating a trade proposal for his fantasy basketball team, Tru Warier. "Yeah, that was definitely a fun 10 minutes there," said a wistful Sweeney.

After his exhilarating foray into the world of fantasy sports Sweeney said he read some blogs that he frequents but there wasn't a whole lot of new content so he went back to to ESPN.com. "I saw that there was a new article on Page 2 so I was excited to check it out but it turned out to be something about how great the [expletive deleted] Steelers are. [Forget] that."

Now Sweeney faces the dilemma of not knowing where to find anything interesting on the internet and might have to face doing actual work.

"It'll be a cold day in hell before I check those invoices," remarked a defiant Sweeney. "I'll figure something out. I may just break my self-imposed rule of not going to addictinggames.com before four and play some Shuffle Challenge."

The decision to once again play Shuffle Challenge, a type of Japanese marble strategy game, was a stunning reversal for the man who just yesterday, after repeatedly failing on a certain level, exclaimed, "This [expletive deleted] game is [expletive deleted] rigged," and threw his mouse in disgust.

Sweeney would not indicate what his specific plans for making it through tomorrow would be, he instead told this reporter to refer to the "Friday" entry of his self-made pamphlet "Doug's Rules and Regulations for a Motions Work Week." That particular entry states, "Friday shall be considered part of the weekend. The worker shall arrive at work physically but remain home in bed mentally as he daydreams about the coming days. No work shall be done voluntarily."

Joba Chamberlain Likes Dudes

Buster Olney just wrote this article about Yankees pitcher Joba Chamberlain. It pretty much focuses on how he text messages all the time and his affinity for faggily using exclamation points! all! the! time! Thank God this wasn't about Clay Buchholz or something because this is almost as bad as the train conductor hat. Actually its worse. Who wants the pitcher their franchise is pinning their hopes on for the next decade to come out with something like this? Is he a stud pitcher or a middle school girl? OMG, JOBA, U R A LOSER.

Whats Up with this Headline?

As you may or may not know I write sports capsules for a Website called Newser.com (I post links to my articles on the sidebar every Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday morning). It's an alright gig but sometimes I look at the stories or headlines other people write and I'm like, "do these people even have a clue." I was able to brush it off for a while until this morning when I saw this article. For those of you that are too lazy to click on the link the story is about Brett Favre winning SI's Sportsman of the Year and the headline proclaims, "Favre Nails Sportsman of Year." Am I wrong to think that that headline sounds like Favre had sex with the sportsman of the year? I just have never heard the verb "to nail" used in place of "win" or "gets." I guess it can be used to say someone got something correct like, "I nailed that quiz," but outside of that the only other acceptable uses of nail are hitting shit with a hammer and banging someone. Its enough that we have to hear about every sportscasters' homo-erotic crush on Favre, so I don't want to hear about Favre's gay affair with Dwyane Wade.

The Roadshow Keeps Rolling...

P.S. Everyone looks gay in a cowboy hat. Unless, of course, you really are a cowboy.

Don't stop....the Ravens!!!

Tom "i look gay in a cowboy hat" Brady you slippery MF'r. Just because my girlfriend loves you more than me DOES NOT mean that you are supposed get ridiculous 4th down and goal penalty calls. I don't expect anything less from your zombie-like fans then start throwing the ticker tape and firing up the Dick, uh-hum, Duckboats because you yet again scored the winning touchdown in the fourth quarter, leaving your team lacking a loss. But not I. No sir, not I. You almost lost to Philly, you almost lost to Ballmerr (that's how they say it.) I know almost is the key word, Doug. Punt this, asshole.