Wednesday, April 23, 2008

UPDATE#1: Champions of Breakfast

UPDATED W/ ROTATION (11:30, 4/24)

I'm not exactly sure why I'm doing this but I decided to assemble a baseball roster full of the best talent breakfast cereal characters had to offer and then write up a scouting report on them. Don't ask questions, just enjoy the ride:


1. Trix Rabbit (Trix) -SS- 6-4, 195 S/R (Bats/Throws)
MLB Analogue: Jose Reyes

Trix Rabbit is everything you want in a shortstop/leadoff man. He's got excellent speed, a plus glove, and even a bit of pop in his bat. His maturation into an elite player is a testament to his perseverance. He had a seriously deprived childhood and was taunted mercilessly by ruthless neighborhood children who didn't know the meaning of sharing. Trix was able to convert his insatiable hunger for the cereal bearing his name into a positive force pushing him towards a championship.

2. Coco the Monkey (Coco Crispies) -LF- 6-0, 170 S/R
MLB Analogue: Coco Crisp (obviously)

An elite defender with very good speed Coco has proven himself very useful to the club over the years. His bat is slipping a bit but he's still able to get the job done in the 2-hole. His success is even more remarkable considering his life long battle with diabetes, which he has had ever since he ate two bowls of Coco Crispies AND drank all the milk in a 24-hour span.

3. Tony the Tiger (Frosted Flakes) -1B- 6-4, 235 R/R
MLB Analogue: Derrek Lee

Perhaps the best conditioned athlete in the entire league, Tony is a true force in the middle of the lineup having averaged .337/32/115 each of the past four seasons. He is a leader in the clubhouse but is affected heavily by S.A.D. (Season Affective Disorder). When it rains Tony's personality and hitting prowress go limp within minutes of being introduced to liquid.

4. Michael Jordan (Wheaties) -CF- 6-6, 205 R/R
MLB Analogue: Michael Jordan

Jordan is unquestionably the best player in baseball having won the MVP and a gold glove for five consecutive seasons. Yeah he only hit .202 with 3 HR in his year in the minors but he's Michael freakin' Jordan, he can do anything he wants. And its not like the rest of this article is based in reality.

5. Fraken Berry (Frankenberry) -DH- 6-5, 260 L/R
MLB Analogue: Frank Thomas

A prototypical DH, Franken Berry moves at a glacial pace but that doesn't much matter when all he has to do is trot around the bases. He's averaged 45 HR over the past 6 seasons and doesn't show any signs of slowing down. He can be a minor distraction in the clubhouse around Mother's Day each year when he and the commissioner's office inevitably feud about his refusal to regal himself in pink wristbands. In his defense, Franken Berry is already completely pink.

6. Sugar Bear (Sugar (Golden) Crisp) -3B- 6-1, 190 R/R
MLB Analogue: Pedro Feliz

A solid, no-frills player, Sugar Bear has played in all but three of the club's games over the past five seasons. A competent gloveman and a solid bat Sugar Bear doesn't put butts in the seats but he is an integral part of the team.

7. Cookie Crisp Crook (Cookie Crisp) -RF- 6-4, 205 L/L
MLB Analogue: Josh Hamilton

After battling legal problems for years the supremely talented Crook is finally with the big club. He is a major question mark heading into the season but if he can overcome his serious cookie addiction he could put this team over the top. Also, management must keep their eye on his long standing feud with backup outfielder Officer Krum.

8. Cap'n Crunch (Cap'n Crunch) -C- 6-2, 210 S/R
MLB Analogue: Jason Varitek

The Cap'n is the captain of the squad and for good reason, he has navigated the club through a number of shaky seasons while preventing them from succumbing to sogginess, which has prevented many talented clubs from becoming the Champions of the Breakfast Table. Cap'n is getting up there in age but he is as essential to the team as anyone.

9. Toucan Sam (Froot Loops) -2B- 5-8, 180 R/R
MLB Analogue: Ronnie Belliard

Sam isn't the most talented player in the field or at the plate (he was just .265/12/59 last year) but he is the one who keeps everybody smiling in the clubhouse with his practical jokes, off-color humor, and multi-colored beak. He also adds some much needed fruitiness (the good kind) to the lineup.


#1. Count Chocula (Count Chocula) -LHP- 6-10, 225 (R/L)
MLB Analogue: Randy Johnson

A true number one starter the Count has led the league in strikeouts every year since he was discovered by a scout while playing semi-pro ball in Central Romania sometime in the 15th century. He has a two strikeout pitches, his plus plus fastball and nearly unhittable slider. The only knock on the Count are his day/night splits. (HI-O!)

#2. Lucky (Lucky Charms) -RHP- 6-0, 185 (R/R)
MLB Analogue: Daisuke Matsuzaka

Lucky doesn't throw that hard (his fastball tops out at 92) but he more than makes up for it with his wide variety of pitches, including the Heart Heater (2-seam), Horseshoe Curve, Blue Moon Slider, Clover Change, and his patented Red Baloon Eephus pitch. Lucky's career was seriously derailed several years ago when he was committed to an asylum because of his dangerous bouts with paranoia.

#3. Cornelius (Corn Flakes) -LHP- 6-9, 230 (L/L)
MLB Analogue: Mark Hendrickson

An aging, lefty thumber Cornelius never lived up to the expectations he made for himself when he burst onto the scene with a remarkable rookie season (19-7, 2.61 ERA, 287 K). He has seen the game pass him by but to his credit he has been a reliable, if not spectacular, pitcher, having topped the 200 IP mark all but once in his career. In the clubhouse Cornelius is very quiet and, like 1B Tony the Tiger, is afflicted with S.A.D.

#4. Fred Flintstone (Fruity/Cocoa Pebbles) -RHP- 6-2, 225 (R/R)
MLB Analogue: Livan Hernandez

The definition of an innings eater Flintstone has had to struggle for every out. After being discovered playing for Mr. Slate's team in the Rock Pile Softball League he became one of the leagues oldest rookies when he debuted at the tender age of 28. He won't wow anyone and is relegated to the bullpen come playoff time but is nevertheless an essential part of the squad.

#5. Honey Nut Bee (Honey Nut Cheerios) -RHP- 5-10, 160 (R/R)
MLB Analogue: Greg Maddux

Honey Nut Bee never had electric stuff but has survived in the league thanks to guile and a rubber arm that allows him to be spot started on short rest, eat innings in blowouts, and contribute if a game goes to extras. Despite his commitment to the team, he is mercilessly harassed in the clubhouse because he's one of the most annoying players in the game.

There's always next year...

and there's always go F yourself.
Last night the Capitals weren't able to get past the Flyers. Which reminds me of something. Philadelphia sucks. I hate Philly fans, teams and people alike. Maybe I'm overreacting due to the emotional stress of watching those dirty rat bastards crush the hopes and dreams of a young team of excellent hockey players. Maybe my anger comes from the fact that Philly made me throw a chair across the bar and get thrown out of said bar. Maybe I've finally come to the realization that no matter what I do, Philly will always be there. Looking at me, staring at me, taunting me. Getting in the background of my photos and making a silly face, getting drunk at a Christmas party and grabbing my brothers wife. Or maybe, just maybe, it's because Philly sucks.
Philly strikes me as the kind of city that beats his wife, and his dog, but is really a closet homosexual or pederast.

The more I think about it, the more I dislike it. OK, Cheesesteak is good, but everything else sucks. Plus, the stupid Flyer's have no shot at the cup, seeing as no Philly team has brought anything home since I was born. (76ers in 83) Listen good, you cheesesteakmongering, has been capital of the US, you suck for raining on my parade.

Also, there has been some buzz about town regarding our fans throwing trash onto the ice and booing. The initial reaction last night was that people were upset that we lost, and felt that they were let down by their team. So in response to this anger and resentment, they threw things at the Caps and booed them. On the contrary, I believe that it was simply a knee jerk reaction to the Flyers. Remember, they are from Philly. I think the Caps were simply booing the Flyers and throwing trash at them, which probably made the Flyers feel right at home, so it turns out that we are classier than I thought. Philly, boo's, trash? Sounds like a good time.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Awkward Time with the KC Royals

A couple weeks ago my buddy asked for my address because he was going to mail me a present; the only thing I knew about it was that it would take 2-3 weeks for delivery. So lo and behold last night when a nondescript package arrived at my house and I opened it to find the most awkward/homoerotic calendar in the history of earth: The 2008 Kansas City Royals Charity Calendar. Now on its face it might seem like this calendar would be a harmless compilation of baseball action photos, however it is instead a collection of uncomfortable glamor shots of Royals players wearing casual clothing and hanging out in an factory basement of some kind. I like to think that this photo shoot led to recreation of the fashion show scene from Slapshot:

Mark Grudzielanek: I'm going to flash 'em, Dayton!
Dayton Moore (KC GM): No, you're not.
Mark Grudzielanek: I'm gonna walk down that stinkin' runway, open up this faggot robe and wiggle my dick at 'em! And do you know why? Because I want you to have a heart-attack and die so we don't have to do this shit again! You and your fucking photo shoots!

Anyway the actual pictures from the calendar aren't on the Interweb but thankfully there are "outtake" photos, so let's dive in:

Brandon Duckworth, P

Poor Brandon, he went all out with the shooters and now he's not even on the 40-man roster. Just goes to show that it doesn't matter how cool you are, you still need talent to make a baseball team, even one as poor as the Kansas City Royals.

Ryan Braun, P

The Fake Ryan Braun. Like Mr. Duckworth (quack, quack, quack) Mr. Braun is not with the big league club at the moment despite his thin beard, androgynous watch, and superior flexibility.

Luke Hochevar, P

"I don't know if you heard me, I did over 1,000, that's a lot."

John Buck, C

Nothing says casual like hanging out in a cold basement in a $15 folding chair.

Mark Teahen, RF

"Shhh, don't tell anyone how incredibly mediocre I am."

Billy Butler, 1B/DH

The photo of Billy in the actual calendar makes you even more uncomfortable, if that's at all possible.

David DeJeus, OF & John Buck, C
That must be the wreath from the Royals' 2007 Christmas/Eliminated from the 2008 Playoffs Party.
"Give me back my wreath, damn you!"

And just when you thought it couldn't get more awkward utility infielder Mark Grudzielanek proves you wrong, so very very wrong:

If that's what the cut out, what they left in must be pure gold. For more awkwardness visit

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

It's Make Fun of a Comment Time

I guess I shouldn't rag on people who comment on this blog considering we're lucky to get anyone to read this thing let alone respond to it but with the NBA's regular season winding down I figured it was time to unearth this gem from last November 2nd in response to my post about my enthusiasm regarding the start of the Celtics' season:

How can you be excited for a team with no real depth, a terrible head coach, and a point guard that has never played a minute of meaningful basketball in his pro career? -Anonymous

Well Mr. Anonymous, the Celtics have the best record in the NBA, their bench has more than acquitted themselves over the course of the year, Doc Rivers and Tom Thibodeau have done an excellent, excellent job, and Rondo is a strong candidate for the Most Improved Player award. How do you like them apples?

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Hi, I'm ugly as sin.

This guy looks like Julian Tavarez had a kid with Ms. Piggy, then that kid had a kid with Satan, using Hillary Clinton as a surrogate. Ew, gross, Hillary's vagina....

Innocent Until Proven Guilty

Maybe I'm crazy but I'm pretty sure somewhere in our Constitution it says you're innocent until proven guilty. Recently the media have forgotten this annoying little part of our country and string everyone up by their thumbs when they get arrested. The reason I bring this up is because NBA All-Star Carmelo Anthony was recently arrested for an ALLEGED DUI. This story has been plastered all over the TV and interweb with people breaking out their Jump-To-Conclusions mats and getting all riled up. Unfortunately if/when he is found innocent of the charges because the pig who pulled him over only arrested him because he was famous and so he could tell his worthless cop friends about how he arrested Carmelo the media will completely gloss over the story. Coincidentally today Tampa Bay LB Cato June had his own DUI dropped due to lack of evidence (translation: some idiot cop decided giving a football player a speeding ticket wasn't a good enough story for his loser buddies).

I think Pacman Jones has been the biggest victim of this whole thing. Yeah, the man has been arrested a bunch of times and clearly makes some bad decisions but I think he's only been convicted of a misdemeanor or two yet the fascist NFL, led by Fuhrer Goodell, assumes he is guilty of all charges and suspends him. Also, it came out last summer that one of the cops who arrested him on an expired license charge went out looking to arrest Pacman. That's fucked up. This is just one man's plea that we return to our senses and assume that people are innocent when they are arrested, like our founding fathers did.

Scream directly at my ass

John McCain posed this question on

Our country is faced with challenges as we enter into the 21st century. I am prepared to effectively deal with these challenges and lead our country as President on Day 1. Please let me know what you view as the biggest challenge America faces and how you would like your President to address this challenge.

I say this:

I think that the biggest challenge is going to be getting Americans to realize that this is America. I know that sounds stupid, but it seems to me that people have lost touch with what we are all about. I believe in small federal government. I believe that the federal government is responsible for securing our economy, our borders, and securing our place on the geopolitical stage. That's it. Outside of that, the power is supposed be in our hands, through our elected officials. I believe that we are a great country full of great people, but there are those of us that believe that simply being born in America gives you the right to be taken care of, to be provided for. Those who cannot provide for themselves should be provided for, not those that simply do no want to, or do not feel like it. On the same note, those who do not vote, should not complain about politics. Those that do not sacrifice for their country, should not expect the country to sacrifice for them. Maybe I'm crazy, but maybe I'm American.

And as you can see, I am not the only one who fears Hillary. That's fear, my man, that is fear.

Baseball Thoughts

Here are some disjointed musings about the first couple weeks of the baseball season:


Baltimore Orioles
-Yeah the O's are in first but there is no way they finish higher than fourth in the AL East; they don't have the pitching.

Boston Red Sox
-I have some minor concerns regarding the back end of the rotation. Lester is a solid four but a mediocre three, Buchholz isn't quite there yet, and Wakefield is Wakefield. I guess what I'm saying is outside of Beckett and (usually) Dice-K there is nothing close to a sure thing in this rotation. That is mildly concerning; they need to get something out of Bartolo Colon.
-The bullpen worries the shit out of me. There is one excellent reliever (Papelbon), one very good reliever (Okajima), and then a mix of potential has-beens (Timlin) and never-were's (Aardsma). Is Craig Hansen ever going to amount to anything, can Delcarmen be a reliable reliever? These are important questions. I just hope Theo doesn't make a Sauerbeck-esque panic trade at the deadline and ship Jed Lowrie to Colorado for Brian Fuentes.
-In the NBA this year everyone is talking about how Kobe Bryant deserves to win the MVP as a kind of lifetime achievement award (most people who support Kobe deny this but they are lying) even though Chris Paul and probably Kevin Garnett are more deserving. What I'm getting at is how about some love for my boy, Manny Ramirez. He's never won an MVP despite being one of the top 5 hitters of the past 20 years (Bonds, Griffey Jr., A-Rod, Pujols). From 1998 to 2006 Manny finished in the top 10 of the MVP voting. Regardless of not winning an MVP he's one of the greatest right-handed hitters of all-time.

New York Yankees
-Sucks that their two young starters (Kennedy and Hughes) have thrown a combined 22.1 innings in their first six starts; that works out to 3.2 innings per start. Not good.
-Sucks that Joba's dad has polio, if only they had a vaccine for it...

Tampa Bay Rays
-Shitty new name, shitty new uniforms. I can't believe they have the same logo on their home and road jerseys. That's bush league. Trivia: Did you know that all but eight of MLB's 30 teams use red or blue as their primary color and that only one (Oakland) uses green?

Toronto Blue Jays
-Rock solid rotation if A.J. Burnett can stay healthy. Four quality starters but where's the offense? Sorry, Alex Rios and Vernon Wells aren't that intimidating.


Chicago White Sox
-There getting some quality pitching from their young guys and the addition of Nick Swisher is a big boost to their offense. I think this team will be competing for the playoffs in September, that is if Ozzie Guillen doesn't murder anybody.

Cleveland Indians
-C.C. Sabathia isn't helping himself during a contract year by stinking out the joint. They have serious bullpen issues but if Kobayashi, who averaged 30 saves a year in Japan, can step in those could all go away. Paul Byrd does steroids.

Detroit Tigers
-I, for one, am happy to see the Tigers struggling. I have nothing against them but I got fed up with all the talking heads penciling them into the World Series. They have no pitching, none. The Devil Rays' staff is much better.

Kansas City Royals
-Hurray for the Royals. I am very happy for Kansas City (seriously). They have great uniforms. I really hope they stick around and they will if Bannister and Grienke keep throwing B.B.'s and their young guys (Alex Gordon and Billy Butler) can step up and carry the offense. Joakim Soria is a quality closer and Joey Gathright is the most athletic player in the game. Witness:

Minnesota Twins
-Word on the street is that Liriano won't be Lirano until the All-Star break. That makes sense, he needs to learn to pitch again. Jason Kubel looks like a legit player.


Anaheim Angels
-Count me among those who thought Torii Hunter would fall off this year; turns out I was wrong and I couldn't be happier for the man. Helluva guy that Torii Hunter. This team is semi-legit but its record will be inflated by feasting on a moribund division

Oakland Athletics
-Poor Rich Harden, that canuck has all the talent in the world but just can't stay healthy. I am predicting a surprisingly good record for the A's simply because they have two Sweeney's (Mike and Ryan) on their team.

Seattle Mariners
-I'll be surprised if Eric Bedard pitches more than 170 innings this season. I don't think they have enough offense to compete with Anaheim, combine that with high expectations for this season and it looks like this year might be a disappointment.

Texas Rangers
-Closer C.J. Wilson has yet to allow a run this year, and he had two saves during a doubleheader. Hmm... This is a pretty forgettable team.

NL...coming soon.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Sox Score 3 off Joe "Tumbling Dice" Borowski for Win

A while back my brother suggested that teams should play the Rolling Stones' Tumbling Dice whenever a shaky closer enters the game and since no closer is shakier than Cleveland's Joe Borowski he has become the Tumbling Dice. I didn't realize exactly how shaky he was until he gave up a hit to David Ortiz.

Friday, April 11, 2008

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Red Sox All-Time Record in Home Openers

The Boston Red Sox are 64-48 since 1903 (the start of the World Series era) in home openers.

They are 31-19 in their last 50 (1959-2008).

They are 59-41 in their last 100 (1909-2008).

Fun facts learned while researching this:

-In 1910 the Yankees opened the season against the Red Sox in Boston, the game ended in a 4-4 tie.

-Before 1908 the Red Sox were called the Boston Americans, naturally.

Thursday, April 3, 2008

UPDATE: The Smile Train is Not Smilestimes

Want to know what I'm really fucking sick of? Those web ads with a picture of the kid with a fucked-upped lip. I know its for a charity and all but the picture makes me sick. It's terrible. And it seems like it's on every single Web site I visit. I clicked on it once just to find out the name of the place and its something called "The Smile Train" and it's a charity for kids with cleft lips. I'm all for charity but unless this thing is life-threatening (which I don't think it is) then I just don't care. I have a lot more serious things to feel guilty about like Darfur and starving children than some fucked-upped lips. I know its for a good cause and that a little donation could do a lot of good but you're not going to win me over with those shock ads and by trying to make me feel guilty. So memo to the Smile Train: quit ruining the Interweb for me and everyone else; if I don't see one of your ads on the Web for an entire week I will donate $50, no joke.

UPDATE: A noble effort by the smile train collapsed today, Saturday, April the fifth, at 11:31 a.m. while I was visiting the Hartford Courant's Web site. Alas, no donation shall be made at this juncture.