Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Behold, the Sea itself!

I'm heading for the coast for the next week and a half so looks like Ted is going to be flying solo. In honor of my impending trip here is some very, very, very bad original poetry.

"Keel-hauling Man"

I've seen the Sea and ogled the Ocean
But never once did I think
That I would have such emotion
From witnessing the mighty Drink

I can't tie a line, nor Harpoon a Whale
Poop a deck, nor raise a sail
But I know in the heart of my heart
The Ocean and I can never part

It was given to us by God above
Violent as the hawk, but gentle as the dove
It has encompassed minds in a disturbing way
Alas! Much of that is lost today

I say revive the Glory Days of the Sea
And if it were up to you and me
Any one speaking of Ocean's future grim
We'd just take him out and keel-haul him

I can't leave you with that garbage here is Led Zeppelin's "The Ocean"

Thursday, May 22, 2008

Putting Spygate to Rest

I haven't addressed Spygate directly since my first post ever on my old blog. (Hell, the controversy was so new at that point that a proper name for it hadn't even been agreed upon) I don't think any events really warranted it because any logical person would realize that videotaping opponents signals crosses an arbitrary line in signal stealing. A stenographer could watch the opposing coach and describe, through writing, what they were seeing, then, if they really wanted to, could make a video of themselves recreating those exact signals. Yeah, it'd be a bit more work, but not much. That is not to say I don't understand the hate that comes the Patriots' way. If it were the New York Jets who got caught breaking the rules then I would be hollering about it too. It's sports you don't need to be logical about it; you can hate anyone for anything and that's fine, again, it's sports. Anyway the reason I'm bringing this up again is because I just came across a piece about the tapes Walsh handed over that was pretty much buried and never mentioned by any sports writer or pundit. Here is the link. If you're too lazy for that here is the pertinent excerpt (emphasis mine):

We don't know for sure whether more tapes ever existed in New England, or how these tapes were broken down and used. But after reviewing the material released by the league, this much is clear: We saw nothing in that video that would allow us as a scouting department to provide a team with an unfair advantage over an opponent.

Yes, preparation time was reduced and film study was streamlined, but not in a way that single-handedly turned the Patriots into one of the premier teams in the league. In the end, the Patriots' success comes down to having better players who make full use of the information provided to them.

So you know this isn't a bunch of yahoos this article was written by Scouts, Inc. A group comprised of mostly former scouts who scout games and player for ESPN so these guys know what they are talking about. Anyway, this closes the book on Spygate for me. When actual scouts say that the "cheating" merely streamlined the scouting process and didn't give a team an unfair advantage then I don't really need to here anything else. Oh, and if you try to play the "it doesn't matter if they got an advantage, they broke the rules" card with me then you clearly have no idea what I'm about (look at my list in the right hand sidebar).

First Annual UEFA Final Running Diary

I decided to keep a running diary of today's UEFA Champions League Final. Why? I'm not exactly sure. It was my first foray into the running type of entry and it had its ups and downs (I really lost steam in the second half). Anyway there are a couple good jokes in there and a lot of not so good ones. Get comfortable this is pretty freakin' long. Enjoy. (Also, don't expect my usual flawless grammar, spelling, and punctuation, my apologies).

This pre-game ceremony is pretty amazing, we got dancers, golden domes of some sort, confetti, and mysterious figures in capes. Unfortunately all this pomp is probably going to mean 100,000 Russians will have no food for the next 6 weeks.

Why do little kids come out with the teams. I know it's probably a great thrill for the little 'uns but it's still kinda creepy. What would happen if the NBA did this. I bet KG would be so fired up he'd punch some 6-year-old girl in the face.

Cristiano Ronaldo, rocking the greasy mullet, FAAANNNTASTIC.

Man U's manager is SIR Alex Ferguson. What a fucking loser. I hate nobility

Lubos Michele is your referee and he has a Madonna-esque microphone.

And we’re off…

Wing passes to center, back to wing, back to center, center HOLDS IT, HOLDS IT, HOOOOLDS IT! (sorry couldn't resist).

I should probably mention I'm watching this thing with no sound so all I hear is the clicking of the keyboard, the fat guy in the next office coughing, and C. Ronaldo yelping from 3,000 miles away as he tries to draw a foul.

Not a fan of the lowercase NOB's (name on back) that Cheleas has but their still better than the collar-less Man U kits, totally rec league.

We're three minutes into this thing and not a lot has happened. No real opportunityrtunities for either side. Wait a tic. Nope, nothing just gas. Chelsea has several crosses but their cleared away.

It's just mind blowing to me how far these guys kick the ball.

I fucking hate Wayne Rooney with every fiber of my being. What a typical English prick. Although he does look like a street tough from the 1930s. They don't make people like that no more.

Chelsea's goalie is the guy who wears a rugby helmet (Cech or something), makes him look like a retard.

Our first save of the day. A deflected 20 yarder from the wing. An easy one for Morris the Safety Tortoise (Chelsea's keeper).

Offsides on Chelsea, garbage.

Drogba just got ripped across the face by a Man U defender. Blood on his tongue.

Uh-oh, Man U cross.... cleared away

At the 8-minute mark it’s been a fairly even match thus far. I'd give the slight edge to Man U on posession but a big edge to Chelsea in the lack of faggotry department.

Seriously Morris the Safety Tortoise just sent a goal kick like 80 fucking yards. That is amazing, more impressive than a baseball throw or anything.

One major difference between soccer and most US sports is the necessity to go back to get forward. Actually, no wait, it isn't. I'm retarded.

Lubos reminds us that it is illegal to tug another player’s jersey.

Greasy mullet passes to thug face, back to mullet, Mullet HOLDS IT HOLDS IT HOOOLDSS IT!

A Chelsea striker (Malouda) tries to draw a PK but to no avail.

Man U's goalie looks like a lesbian.

Lots of fancy footwork for Cristiano Ronaldo, all for not as he gently taps it back to another player, 5 yards away.

Same ole same ole at the 13 minute mark.

A Chelsea player is changing his boots on the sideline (YEAH DUDE!)

Lubos runs like a girl. big surprise.

Haven't seen much from Michael Ballack, Ze German. Wait ,there he is. Do you think that he was weary to be dragged so far into the heart of Russia, with unprotected supply lines. Too soon?

Ronaldo just faked the crap out of a Chelsea defender and deliver a cross that was just a tad high. Another Man U player, on the field, claps at his effort. Don't see that much in the USA

Lubos picks up the ball for some reason, sorry I blacked out there for a minute or two.

Corner for Man U at the 18.24 mark. Big opportunity.

here it is, too far out, and it is cleared into touch by Chelsea.

C. Ronaldo gets mugged on the sideline and he has a shit-eating grin on his face. Looks exactly like Tony Montana's friend in Scarface. It's kinda creepy

A poor free kick that is cleared

Uh-oh. A head to head collission around midfield. Wait, not at all. Chelsea player and Paul
Scholes went up for the ball and Scholes gave him a fore arm to the back of the head. Then on the way down his face hit Chelsea player’s boot and he is bloody. Rooney tries to start shit with the entire Chelsea team but backs off like a little bitch. Scholes is booked, rightfully so. He's being attended to on the side lines.

On a long cross in a Man U defender, unnecessarily heads it out on the end line, dangerous, the keeper had a clear path to the ball

The corner is 6 inches too high and Chelsea striker barely gets a head on it.

Still in awe of how far they kick it.

Scholes is back, fag.

More fancy footwork from Greasy Mullet Ronaldo but the 1-2 pass is too far ahead of him and he goes out into touch.

A Man U player starts warming up on the sidelines. He's wearing black warm ups yet he still puts on a green pinny. I don't think there was any chance he would be confused as a player without the pinny.

Opportunity for man U, Chelsea hits it OB. here's the throw in the corner.

A CROSS AND A SCORE!!! Morris the Safety Tortoise didn't even react. That was really weird. 25 Minutes.

It was Ronaldo with the goal. A perfect cross from Man U player to Ronaldo on the far post and perfect header right on the post. Morris the Safety Tortoise reacted but didn't dive. At first i thought it was offsides or something. No announcers is tough

Michael Ballack looks like a Whalberg. Seriously I’m expecting to get into Rooney’s face and say (with a German accent, of course), “Blow me, all right? But not literally, though. Unfortunately, there's no promotion involved for you.”

That goal puts Ronaldo third in on the single season goal list for Man U, with 42.

That goal was pretty freaking flawless.

Ronaldo doing his ball dance thingy. A CROSS to Ronaldo heads it back center but cleared out by the defense.


Drogba is taking a seat, holding his back. He got a bit of a shove in it but doesn't look too bad. he seems to be indicating that he got a knee in th back. The spray is ineffective. Someone really has to investigate that spray thing, what the hell could it be.

there is a booking for Makelele for Chelsea. whoops missed that one.

Possession is 65-35 for Man U, seems about right. Dirk Diggler better get his ass in gear, his giant schwanz won't score any goals for him.

A cross and a header back to Ballack in front of the goal but punched away by Lesbian Keeper.

The corner... is cleared, back in, fucking Rooney, steals it and sends it about 70 yards, cross fields to Ronaldo who sends it to a streaking Man U player, header is saved and cleared very poorly by the defense, a clean shot from the 18 is saved. He is pissed at his defender. Watching him yell with his little helmet on was one the funnies things ever.

Replays show that on Ballack’s chance he didn't head the ball but instead put his forearm on the back of the defenders neck and forced HIM to head the ball. You don't want to fuck around with ZE GERMANS. Seriously that was pretty impressive

GRADE A flop from Cristiano Ronaldo.

They have completed passes and pass accuracy statistics in soccer? I don't think stats really mean anything in a game as free flowing and open as soccer.

A decent opportunity for Chelsea, but well defended and sent backwards, brought back in then eventually cleared.

At the 40 minute mark both teams have had their chances

A Chelsea striker losses his footing outside the 18 and tries to draw a call but to no avail. this Lobos guy is one tough cookie.

HAHAHAHA about 40 yards from the endline a Chelsea player trips over the ball, he wobbled and almost kept his balance but then he went down faster than British naval supremacy in the 20th century. beautiful game my ass.

A beautiful opportunity for Man U a low cross gets by the defender but the striker just whiffs like Pedro Cerrano on a breaking ball

Man U defender and capt. Rio Ferdinand is booked for throwing an elbow. A free kick right outside the 18 for Chelsea (espn tells us 21 meters from goal)

Three players line up behind the ball, and ballack( kicks it clean over everything). I bet at halftime he has this exchange with the manager:

Manager: You suck at free kicks.

Ballack: You don't know what I can do! You don't know what I can do, what I'm gonna do, or what I'm gonna be! I'm good! I have good things and you don't know about! I'm gonna be something! I am! And don't fucking tell me I'm not!

GOOOOOOAAAAAAALLLLLLL Chelsea, a through ball is deflected and the keeper gets caught in no mans land, stumbles and can't recover, as Lampard puts it in the back of the net at the 45 minute mark

All started on a bad clearance that was saved by
Chelsea, then through ball, controlled by Chelsea, goalie stumbles, Lampard scores.

SNIPER, RONALDO JUST GOT SHOT. He's writing in agony. Back and to the left back and to the left.

Actually that does look painful a slide tackle comes in a little late and catches him square in the side of the shin, catching his ankle on the ground. The offending player is booked.


And we're back. The Chelsea manager gives Lobos a piece of his mind as they come onto the field.

Dave Roberts is calling the game. Nice of him to take time off from rehabbing for the Giants to fly halfway around the world to call the game. love that guy.

A shameless flop by Paul Scholes, I think he was upset that he didn't get to elbow anyone in the back of the head.

A long Man U cross is cleared out.

A stern picture of some suits watching the game. I think it’s live but it looks like a still photograph, they're all frowning. What’s their problem

Not a whole lot to report at the 50 minute mark. Ronaldo looks as greasy and floppy as ever.

A tackle from behind by Chelsea gives Man U a free kick

AN EGGREEEGIOUS FLOP by Ronaldo, I think Mark e. Mark is going to choke slam this guy.

These benches the guys get to sit on look amazing, their all like captain’s chairs and what not.
Star Date SG12…

An opportunity for Chelsea, shot is blocked then kicked out by Man U

Terrible, terrible call by the linesman giving man u a goal kick. It was very clear that the Man U player kicked it out, and the guy was like 2 feet away from it.

30 seconds later the linesman calls offsides on Chelsea, its pretty clear who he has money on.

A dangerous cross in front of the Chelsea net but too high for anyone

Thug Rooney yells at his teammate for not sending it in on the ground. What a dick

Chelsea on the break (2 on 3), pulls up, open shot and clear over the goal. He leaned back

A corner for Chelsea, a defender headed it out in front of his own net ( plays like this happen a lot but it seems pretty dangerous to me; I think a couple weeks ago a guy put one in his own net in a big game)

Chelsea heads the corner into the goal, if the goal was 60 yards high.

Mark E. Ballack with an opportunity from 28 yards, rips it wide. Man U is leading 3 to 1 in shots on target, now that's a good stat

Man U player goes down after he tried to mug a Chelsea player, then he has the audacity to get up in the guys face once he finally gets up

A corner for Chelsea is cleared away

What a flop by Ronaldo, went down like a sack of potatoes

1-2 break for Man U, fails to materialize

Brilliant through ball is misplayed on the end line by Chelsea, missed opportunity.

Lobos feels bad for Ronaldo and finally buys one of the flops.

32 for Man U tries to start shit with Mark E. Mark, I wouldn't mess with him.

Clear handball by Man U goes uncalled.

HAHAHAHA, a hard pass hits a Chelsea player square in
the foot and he goes down, good times. (Hanging in a chow line; the most disputed of all the Good Times lyrics).

Man U throws drogba down, cheating ref actually makes the correct call.

The free kick is biked away by Man U.

This one guy for man u has a wispy moustache that Adam Morrison would be proud of.

Chelsea with a shot about 25 yards out, deflected by man u for a corner.

Hopefully something will happen this time and..... no dice, headed OB by Chelsea.

Here we go a break leads to yet another Chelsea corner, I don't know what it is but Chelsea is
really putting the pressure on.

But the corner is cleared out harmlessly, surprise

A dangerous pass inside the box is cleared away by Man U and as Chelsea gets ready to reload, defender Rio Ferdinand decides to just sit down.

Rooney and some other Man U guy get into an argument.

Dropkick sent to Chelsea

There's Ferdinand running! You mean he's not dead? wow

Possession outside of Chelsea’s 18 results in a corner kick.

A Chelsea player is down

Holy shit the replay shows that thug 32 just fucking tackle the guy while pulling on his face. Wow that was blatant.

Here comes the meat wagon, wowowowowwow, OH MY GOD.

He's alive, much to the surprise of the stretcher bearers who have never actually ever had to do anything other than scare player’s mothers into thinking their child is dead.

The corner is high, the goalie comes out to get it, misses but Man U hits it out (I think)

Down the other end, a cross misses its target because he fell down

Another man u corner is too high and results in nothing.

Fuck you Wayne Rooney, sorry I lost control there

More flopping.

At the 75 minute mark we've seen a fair amount of chances, a lot of failed corners, several apparent deaths that turned out to be nothing.

They track distances on players now? Joe Cole for Chelsea has run 9310 meters, that's a lot

Chelsea tries to draw a penalty and... it looks like the player has an argument, ferdinand stepped on his foot, although it looked unintentional.

Joe Cole gets popped in the face by a Man U guy. Here's an opportunity for Chelsea and Drogba hits the far post from 25 yards a ways it was perfect, curling in, just out of the lesbian's reach but it was just inches wide

Unlucky, as they say.

Wow , Mark E. Mark is disappointing me with that flop, he ran full speed into 32 and went down like a Spandau prison bitch on Hermann Goering. (What?)

An opportunity for Chelsea, Drogba receives a low cross but fails to put it on net.

With 10 minutes remaining in regulation (do they use that term in soccer?) it seems like a good time to point out that I have no idea what the rules are for extra time. Is it golden goal? Silver goal? Shameful bronze goal? Aggregate or something? So many questions

Man U rips a shot high

An opportunity for Chelsea with a throw in the corner, and it's thrown a way but cleared to
Chelsea, Ballack misses a one timer badly, that was very poor

Free kick for Chelsea about 25 yards up the sideline, right side. Big, big play here

A pass to the short man who totally fucks it up and kicks it to Archangel.

4 minutes in regulation, somebody better get a move on quick because I don't have all day here, I leave at five, game over or not.

Joe Cole with a cross but Drogba can't put it on target....again

A late sub for man u, Ryan Giggs is coming in for Scholes. I say doesn't he run like a Welshman, I said doesn't he run like a Welshman. Well he should, he's Welsh

Morris the Safety Tortoise almost misjudges a cross but holds on.

Two 15-minute periods, no golden goal, then penalty kicks. So that's my answer

Joe Cole with an opportunity in the box but the cheating ref calls it out on him. Another bad call.

2 minutes of stoppage time.

I still can't get over those benches, they look amazingly comfortable.

Might be last chance for Man U in regulation. Throw in the corner

Ronaldo doing his dance but his cross finds no one

And we're done with regulation.

Ronaldo seriously looks like he's about to cry. Must be because the extra time is going to run in on his time with a Russian tranny.

They have this commercial where it shows a bunch of 20 something hipsters watching the game in a swanky apartment and they pass their Heniken keg can around on a skateboard. I don't know what they are saying but I bet it's something gay. If I'm ever in a situation like that, please shoot me.


Let me start by saying I'm probably not going to be able to stick around for the rest of the game because quitting time is at 5:00

A sub for Chelsea

Ronaldo down the side line, falls, looks around for a call, realizes he isn't going to get one then
hangs his head and runs back.

A chance off the cross bar for Chelsea, a great pass then a little flick to the far post from about 15 feet away hits the crossbar, literally 2 inches from a goal.

Ronaldo with the cross, to no one

The Welshman is bitching about something, looks important.

OK we'll I need to sign off I'll just recap the rest of the game, I guess. sorry.

Another appearance for the stretcher guys (that's 3 thus far)

Some shirtless old guys in the stands.


Wow, did I ever miss some important shit. Here’s a brief rundown: Drogba kinda slapped a guy in the second OT (video below) and got sent off so Chelsea was playing a man down. Regardless, they forced penalty kicks. Ronaldo is the only one who misses and it is down to Chelsea’s John Terry to make it (this is where Drogba would usually be kicking). He loses his footing and the ball grazes the outside of the post. Then it’s make, make and then Man U makes but Chelsea misses and the UEFA Champions League Championship (weird?) goes to Manchester United with the final score being 1-1 (6-5 on penalty kicks). Damn, that was a pretty dramatic ending, good thing I’m not a real Chelsea fan otherwise I’d probably shoot myself, that was brutal.

Let’s make this running diary of the UEFA final an annual tradition (I swear it'll be better at it next year). Same bad time, same bad channel.

Here's the video of the Drogba slap:

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

I bet when you play like that you get a free bowl of soup

Let me start this post out by saying I would never compare Rodney Dangerfield to Derek Jeter. One is a consummate pro who turns out hit after hit after hit and is one of the greatest of all-time. The other is an error-prone, overrated shortstop for the Yankees. Last night a Jeter error led to seven (7!) unearned runs in the top of the first and in the bottom half of the inning he grounded into a double play. Obviously, the next time up, when he got hit by a pitch on the hand, the tough, gritty Yankee captain, pulled an Al Czervik in Caddyshack, "Ow! My hand. I think it's broken," forcing his way out of the game and sparing him any further humiliation. And much to everyone's surprise x-rays were negative. What a pussy. I'm surprised he didn't "injure" himself by making a routine catch on a pop up behind third base, then, for some reason, take eight extra steps and dive into the stands unnecessarily.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Talking 'bout My Generation

And he's proud of his scars and the battles he's lost,
And he struggles and bleeds as he hangs on the cross-
And he likes to be known as the angry young man.

-Billy Joel

So the other day I saw that some dumbass professor from Emory decided to take time off from sewing leather patches onto the elbows of his tweed jacket to pen the delightfully named, "The Dumbest Generation: How the Digital Age Stupefies Young Americans and Jeopardizes Our Future (Or, Don't Trust Anyone Under 30)." This clown's name is Mark Bauerlein and I have a couple words for him (let's wait a second while he positions his ear horn): FUCK OFF, gramps. Seriously, you're questioning our generations intelligence? That's about the most irresponsible thing of which I can think. (Surprised I didn't sentence in a preposition, pal? Yeah, I'm a fucking genius like you). I'm not sure how you could responsibly gauge the intelligence of tens of millions of people before many have fully grown and matured. I do agree there are a lot of dumbasses in the current generation and rather than defend them I'm going to rip on previous generations and show that every generation is pretty damn dumb.

Born around 1900:
These were the geniuses who started prohibition. This alone should warrant them being the dumbest generation. "Hey, I have a great idea? Let's get rid of the thing that makes people happy after working in coal mines for 16 hours a day, 6 days a week?" "Yeah, that'd be a great idea, imagine what we'll be able to accomplish when everyone is sober all the time." Unfortunately for these sepia-toned idiots the only thing they created was the single largest financial crisis in world history. On top of that these old-timey bicycle riding flappers couldn't even cure polio. What a bunch of retards. Silent movies suck.

Born around 1925:
This generation was pretty sweet, I'm not going to lie but their kids suck and so does Sinatra (yeah, I fucking said it).

Born around 1950:
The baby-boomers: "I have an idea let's start out sweet and make awesome music, hang out, and have a good time but then sell out faster than George Carlin in a phone ad. We'll do a ton of blow then act like greedy corporate assholes and look down our noses at younger people, completely ignoring (and invalidating) the minor, minor things we accomplished when we were cool. Oh yeah, lets listen to music only produced on synthesizers and wear clothing that would make a retarded clown blush. But that's not enough, let's steal all the Social Security, ruin the economy, mire our children in the same exact type of war we protested about 35 years ago. Then let's send that Bauerlein guy out to right a book blasting our kids so we can feel great about all the social change we didn't affect 40 years ago." This generation is the most hypocritical, illogical, pompous, self-important, and out of touch group probably ever to grace this planet. Oh and thanks for Michael McDonald, assholes.

So in summation, the
Bauerlein fucktard wrote an inflammatory book because he was probably rejected for tenure at his University and decided to rail on something that he knows nothing about. I hope he gets hit by a fucking bus. No wait, that's too old school. I hope he gets hit by a hover car. Yeah, a hover car, that'll show him.

Hes noble enough to win the world,
But weak enough to lose it

Best of Manny Being Manny

Here's a highlight reel of the best of Manny's hijinks.

Does it get any better than that? I say, it does not.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Manny Being Awesome

This is why I love Manny. The guy is just out there having a good time. Once he's at the plate he's all business but in the field? That's where Manny goes to relax. I say, "Frig off," to anyone who thinks this play is anything other than awesome.

You can't really see it on this video but that was a great throw to the cutoff man. Manny, fundamentally sound.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Break Up the Rays!

There has been a lot of talk recently about the first-place Tampa Bay (Devil) Rays, and with good reason. It is a young, exciting team with some excellent pitchers and everyday players. There has been a lot of speculation about this team's chances of contending for a playoff spot this season and as much as I don't hate the Rays I'm not a believer in them this year. To quote Wolf from Pulp Fiction, "Well, let's not start sucking each other's [Popsicles] quite yet."

I examined the last eight teams to reach the AL playoffs (so the 2006 and 2007 fields) and looked at six important stats: Runs scored/game, team OPS, runs allowed/game, starter's ERA, bullpen ERA, and K/BB. Here is what I came up with:

The best for each category is highlighted in green, while the worst is in orange.

As you can see the Rays have by far the worst offense of the nine teams that I examined and a very poor K/BB ratio. This is usually a good indicator of how effective a pitching staff really is, although it's not the only one. Only the 2007 Yankees were worse in this department but they were also the most prolific offensive team that I looked at. However in terms of ERA and runs allowed Tampa Bay is one of best team of the nine. While I believe their starters will continue to be exceptional (the addition of Scott Kazmir will balance out the non-James Shields starters regression) I don't think that the bullpen will keep it up. The main culprits in the area are Dan Wheeler and Troy Percival. Wheeler has a career 3.96 ERA and 1.29 WHIP, not bad numbers for a journeyman reliever but in 2008 he's throwing like he's Dennis Eckersley, posting a 1.29 ERA and 0.81 WHIP while leading the club in appearances (18). It's hard for me to believe that this 30-year-old Warwick, RI native will continue to be lights out. As far as Percival goes, he's been outstanding, having only given up 4 runs all year (and 3 of those came in one game). He has a 2.40 ERA and 0.60 WHIP. The ERA isn't far off his career clip of 3.01 but this is hardly the All-Star Troy Percival of the early 2000's. I think he'll have a solid, solid year but I don't see him being an elite closer.

Regardless of what their bullpen might do, I think their main weakness is their offense. They have a couple quality bats in Carl Crawford, Carlos Pena, and BJ Upton but Evan Longoria is just a rookie and can't be expected to carry any serious load. Also, count me among those who think Erik Hinske will fall back to earth. This team is going to have a problem scoring runs and I just can't see them sticking around for the long haul.

Anyway I wish the Rays the best, I really do. I think 80-85 wins is a definite possibility but there is a lot of baseball to be played and there are a lot of quality teams that will give the Rays problems down the stretch. I expect Tampa Bay to regress a fair amount.

I just wanted to give a bit of perspective to the debate.

Oh, and they have some really lame uniforms. Seriously, they have the same logo on their home and road jerseys.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Twelve. Twelve Mile. Twelve Mile Commute!

All that I want to do is get to work in a reasonable amount of time. That's it. Why is that so hard? Oh let me count the ways. The goddamn roads in NoVa are so over congested with Don Juan De Donthaveavisa and retarded bleach blond soccer moms that it takes me 45-60 minutes to travel 12 miles. Why? Because they are dirty, rotten perpetual brake tappers. Oh, is that a shiny rock? Tap the brakes. Is that dwarf riding a unicycle? Tap the breaks. Is that Osama bin Laden have crazy monkey sex with a manic-depressive flying squirrel? Tap the brakes.
Here is where it gets bad. What is the scariest thing that a brainless, tongue chewing braketapper can see? SOMEONE TAPPING THE BRAKES!!!! Holy freakin shit. Is that person tapping the brakes?!?! "I better come to a complete and total stop, during rush-hour, in the left lane, 1000 yards away from the other scary braketapper. And while I'm at it, why don't I end womens suffrage, slap a baby, push a cripple out of his powerchair, beat my wife, yell at an old lady, kill Jesus, rape the Easter bunny and pee in the hot tub?"
And don't even get me started on the smarmy Asian drivers. Holy hot Christ. My deepest fear in life, my definition of hell, my contrapasso is an 80 year old Asian lady driving an SUV in the rain, at night, while eating, putting on make up, yelling at her 40 grand kids, and talking on the phone. Screw being burned alive, that shit is scary as a mofo.

*Note to any who was offended by this: Get off the fucking road and kill yourself, I need to get to the office. Thanks! =)

USC Denies Receiving Money from Athletic Programs

As the University of Southern California piled up bowl wins and NCAA tournament appearances over the past decade the money in its coffers may have also been piling up.

A source close to the USC athletic department has provided a paper trail that indicates that the Trojans may have received hundreds of millions in cash, donations and ticket sales as a result of its football and basketball programs' success. The University's president, Steven B. Sample, adamantly denies these allegations.

"I don't know anything about it. It caught me by surprise. I've got to get to L.A. to see what's going on. I'm just focusing on the [professor] draft," said Sample.

The source has indicated that University charges admission, sometimes in excess of $100, for their home football and basketball games. These sales bring in upwards of $26.75 million each year, which goes directly into the school's deep pockets, claims the source. That figure does not include money given to the program from boosters or the free publicity that the school receives from its athletic teams' success.

Football coach Pete Carroll personally received $2.5 million annually from the school, according to the source.

"I would just like to know if I did [get money], where did the money go? I am a greedy football coach like everyone else. Anyone who saw me try to coach the New England Patriots would know that I could never manage anything that valuable."

Despite the red-faced stammering of Carroll and basketball coach Tim Floyd the allegations have not disappeared. The NCAA, which prides itself on protecting the amatuerism of athletics, has vowed to look in to the matter.

"The fact that a University may have received monies as a result of their athletic programs is simply an affront to the NCAA and athletics in general. Furthering the matter is that these athletes were never compensated in any meaningful way while the athletic director, coaches and administrators grew fat on the deeds of these fine young men and women. We will not stand for this," proclaimed Myles Brand, the NCAA's completely non-hypocritcal president.

Brand closed his remarks by adding that Division I-A (Bowl Championship Series Division Place Thingy, whatever) football will add a playoff system next year because it was "about freakin' time."